Cold Feet

I'm feeling rather sad and lonely. partially anxious tonight. I don't if it's just stress or if I'm a bit lonely and feeling the downtime for such a packed weekend.

I'm really really not looking forward to living with 3 other people. I know it's snobby of me but I'm just NOT a people-person. I'm especially not a 24 hour people person. I don't like big parties. I can't usually stand sleepovers. I'm constantly worried of people overstaying their welcome. And I just... I don't deal well having people around me constantly.

I need space. I need to unwind. I need privacy. I need alone time. a lot. a lot alot.

And I'm not so worried about living with Adolfo because I feel like we've known each other enough to know to stay our distance when we need it. And I feel like he's a lot like me and will have just as many issues with people constantly being there. I could tell him, "you know, i just need to be alone." and trust him to accept that.

At the same time, we've been friends so long and he's so important i'm afraid that living together could spoil our relationship. Hell, I was pretty close when I went to Europe and after 12 days of vacation I was ready to not see anyone for the rest of my life. ok, that's a little harsh. But i'm just such a space and distance based person. And I know most of it is my issues, not the people i'm around. And I just really wouldn't want anything to sour with my best and longest and favorite friend.

The other two? Sooooo dreading that. Fucking Bulldog with her goddamned brother being so incredibly rude. I'm not good with overbearing men. I'm not good with bossy people. I'm not good with condescending voice tones. There are certain things that will take me from polite and civil to outright bitchy and short. I have a tone, I know I have a tone, that I take one with people that does absolutely nothing to mask my dislike, rudeness, and anger. And with certain things I instantly take this tone. It's as if there's a very hard, unnegotiable period at the end of all of my statments. And i'm so word based I understand perfectly the strength of putting emphasis on certain words to make sentances more powerful and filled with irritation.

I just... I just don't understand not being on time for relatively professional appointments. I don't understand being an asshole to relatively adult people for no reason. I don't undetstand why a person can immediately push people around. My own family does it ALL the time. but never so inappropriately as they did. And I have very little tolerance for it.

(many sighs) I just got so desperate at the end of our house search... And I can't believe I agreed to this.... This will be a very long long long 6 months.

Other hands:

I got curtains. I love curtains. I'm very excited.
I have and assembled 2 bookcases and a dresser. Very cool.
I have my whole room planned out. also exciting.
I'm moving out of my houses soon. eek.

This could be my last time living in this room. In this house. with my parents.

How unbelievably frightening.