Crazies

When I'm really depressed and making myself crazy.

I have to remind myself to just wait it out, cause usually, in two to three days time it lets up. Today I think I'm having a good day, no matter what.

On other hands... Hives are funny things. So is not havnig health insurance. The constant weighing of, "Well, I know my health is bad but... Is it worth it? Should I somehow stock pile illnesses, go to the doctor all at once, and save money? Do I need to go now? Will this kill me? Can I wait? How long can I wait? Will they be useful for once (the doctors)?"

And, to completely change the subject...

Have you ever... put someone in "The Friend Zone" because it was just so far off your mind to consider them in "that" way that you never did? and then like 4 years later everyone who knew (cause apparently everyone but you knew) filled you in that a so-and-so was probably infatuated if not in totally loke with you? I hesitate to say love because I'm a firm believer that you can't LOVE someone without knowing them completely. So maybe it was loke, that inbetween of like and love. Something I've been referring to since I was 13, on the phone at 4 am with a boy chubbier than I was skinny as hell. Loke. Well, I guess you could be absolutely in love with a friend and never let on. Is that love? is it infautation? Is it real? Is it loke? Is it like that sort of silly, sleeplessness induced, childish flirtation kind of feeling?

Well, either way, like 4 years later you're filled in on a something-something that a someone-someone had for you. And its not like I would have acted on it if I had known... But maybe I could have been more sensitive to the subject? Not that I like, used and abused... him... I was his friend. He was my friend. I treated him like a friend. How was I supposed to know it went beyond that? And as I got deeper in my relationship and the friendship itself greatly waned, how was I supposed to know to connect the two? These 4 years later I've tried to remember each an every one of our interactions, were there clues that I didn't pick up on? I don't remember any. He used to give me piggy back rides? Was that a sign? Why didn't he ever say? Was he afraid? Was I intimidating?

And the one time that something very clearly more than friends happened... Was that the moment? Like in a movie the moment when the love finally clicks into place, and they have that blissful, perfect love scene... Was that our moment? When there was a moment of tender quietness, monumental silence, if you will. Maybe not the act itself, was it the act itself? But the small things that happened after? Was that supposed to tip me off? I think it did in some small way. But it was so... mixed. And then I progressed the story (rather than it stopping there for a happily ever after) by turning away?

But then I have to re-evaluate, was I really the one that turned away? Didn't he not call me for like two weeks after? Isn't that a very clear and obvious global sign of "I don't want to be with you and as friends we crossed a line we shouldn't have and now I'm staying clear?" Cause that's what I took it as a sign of. And then I concreted a line to create a wall with a certain message saying something like "that was nothing, right? we're still cool, right? I don't have to worry, right? ... You won't tell anyone, right?" And he sent one back with an, "Of course everything is alright. Sydney, you can trust me. I wouldn't do that to you.'' Was that reassurance the sign? No, he didn't call. He didn't make any move. Yes, maybe I was blind, but can you blame me when there was nothing obvious to see?

Someone told me that maybe that 2 week silence was there because he was scared. Because he was so in love, and I was the next big thing of his life and he was scared. hell, that's not my fault.

He had 2 years to make some sort of notice that I was a "different" friend but we had a normal friend relationship. And then that "thing" "happened." He had two weeks to react. And even then he could have said something other than "whatever you say, whatever makes you happy."

Because after that moment I didn't think of him with any conflict or controversy for two years.

And then someone wants to see someone at a party and say my name and react with sadness and everyone say no one talks about sydney because she broke his heart and then someone tells me that. WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THAT?! How was I supposed to know? How?

Maybe that's what all of this is... I cared about him, in a very sincere way. He was my friend. And he was right, I could trust him and maybe I made the mistake of putting him in the friend zone. And then maybe when I was told that I broke his heart, somewhere deep inside of me I knew it could be a very valid truth. And I wish it weren't. I wish I had known at the time. I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want to be that one girl that got away.

But I really feel as if there's no way I could have known. I didn't suspect. Hell, I think I even thought he was so far out of my league that he wouldn't consider ME. But maybe there's a chance I had that wrong.

I wish, even now, these 4 years later, he could tell me. He could tell me so I could tell him how sorry I really am. I'm sorry I hurt him. I'm sorry.