Things I'm No Good At:

• Being patient
• Sound financial planning
• Maintaining a clean apartment
• Pretending like I'm not crazy about my own birthday like a vain, self-absorbed child
• Figuring out what to get other people for their birthdays
• and getting through a full work week without some sort of physical malady.

A Rose By Any Other Name

I don't know when everyone got the habit of calling my by my first and last name. Everyone does it, people from high school, best friends, even my sister. My sister has the same last name, by the way. I don't know when it started, not that I'm really intent on stopping it or anything.

BFF

It's a little known fact outside of my small personal circle that one of my best friends is my little sister. It sounds a little corny, but it's true.

And because I've always had a good older sister I always hated, growing up, seeing my friends be bad older sisters to their younger sisters.

I admit that Em and I went through a period of not being very close, but I blame it on my selfish, semi-rebellious, and self-absorbed teen years and her inaccessibility given that she was a baby and hadn't yet mastered the English language.

But once we snapped out of that, we've done everything from museum/zoo trips, to pen pals when I lived away from home, MISadventures, and you're general hanging out.

I'm not very good with kids and I don't think I ever will be. And I don't think we click the same way she can click with other semi-adults. Like my cousin who loves kids and kids love her. But we both try, and I think that's the most important part.

As an older sister, I feel like it's my responsibility to show her how to be responsible and to make the right decisions all while making sure she doesn't feel lonely, or too much like a kid, or put down on.

I keep a running list of things I should slip into conversation with.

Actually written down on a post-it as of a couple days ago and staring at me in the face currently:

• Independent Thinking
• Personal Development
• And, a Woman's position as an independent.

 When's the last time you were challenged to actually think about these things and iterate relatively complete and coherent thoughts on it? It's harder said than done and much harding to casually slip into conversations without sounding too preachy.

But it's important.

This Night

Sometimes my life is rolling ball of shit. I'm stressed, I'm depressed, I'm hopeless and downtrodden. I often feel like my very soul is crushed.

And then I remember that's just my work life and things exist outside of it.

I go home and I remember that some moments are absolutely perfect. Incandescent.

Making dinner together, dancing, laughing, the dog looking at us like we're crazy. I don't need anything else. Delicious love.

I don't need any more friends, I don't need to worry about what bank records need what, or even what's going to happen tomorrow.

I just need to breathe and be happy.

Lost day

It's strange how a crisis can make you completely re-evaluate the meanings of things in your life.

I'm torn between this instinctive urge to protect myself and ensure I'm not vulnerable and.....

Being alone in my protection.

Night Fight

I know I never post about anything interesting other than my dreams, and I’ve been trying to get back to posting more (for my like 2 or 3 readers). I’ll get around to it eventually. In the mean time:

Last night I had a very vivid dream.

Buildings in the Sun

Lately I’ve been pretty stressed out at work. I feel like I have so much to do and so much pent up energy set on getting it done, yet somehow I can’t focus, I can’t focus on actually getting anything done. So the work piles up and I’m sitting in my chair, my body unable to keep still for even just a moment without a tremendous amount of effort. I get more and more worked up each day. I let myself down more and more each day.

And it’s no secret that I absolutely hate the city where I work. It’s nothing but fog and dreariness and ugliness and just your general soul-crushing mediocre completely uninspiring kind of place.

And not that I know the whole city well, but I usually get stuck in the same circles: to the bank, back from the bank, to the post office, back from the post office, to the office supply store, back from the office supply store, to Starbucks, to lunch spots, (to the hospital), and back again. It really doesn’t help with all that ugly soul crushing feelings. But I’ve worn these paths down and there’s little wilderness left.

But sometimes I’ll be sent somewhere absolutely new.

For instance last week, I went to get lunch from somewhere I’ve never been before. It was a lot of the same thing: slummy looking, fog covered, grime, and some people waiting for a bus. I double parked, ran in, paid, arranged the three bags to prevent spillage, and headed back. And somehow, on the hillside I would consider totally familiar, with the sun shining just so, I saw a relatively pretty building that I hadn’t ever seen before. It was modern-ish and had a different look than the buildings that are usually here. It wasn’t some GEM of architectural masterpiece but it was different and it was new. With the way the sun was shining it was almost pretty.

Which I’m going to take as a lesson in perspective.

It’s something I have trouble keeping sometimes.