The Steps

I'm trying to get my life back on track. I'm ready and raring to go.

A while ago, after I first graduated and as an attempt to soothe my unemployed soul I told myself that I needed to find some sort of meaning or worth in not having a goal.

Because I've always been such a goal-oriented, hard on myself, nothing is good enough, with the blinders on kind of person I was often left with that empty disillusionment of having attained a goal. That feeling of, "I got here... But now what?" I felt like I had to somehow discover something about myself beyond that. Beyond the goal.

I've struggled all of these months to find something, anything different. To make me feel like I had "found myself."


I'm considering it an experiment failed.


I spent more days than not absolutely miserable. Lost and meaningless. Empty.

And, maybe I'm slow to the punch but, I'm just now realizing that maybe I need that goal. I need something immediate and accessible and higher and bigger and better to work towards. And if I get there and I find myself here again, at least I've gone a little further, traveled a little more, grown. Maybe I'm just the kind of person that, other than the things I'm directly working towards, I have no meaning. Maybe that's ok. (I'm hoping it will be.)

The second I began to seriously consider myself a contender in the competition was the second I started to feel better about myself.

I'm going to stumble a lot along the way, second guess myself, and maybe even consider quitting. I'll think it's not for me and I made the wrongs decisions. Maybe I am. But this is better than nothing. I feel this need to break this old shell, push myself harder and harder, to stop telling myself it's not wrong to expect only the best  from the things that I do. I'm ready to evolve.

The only downfall is that it's going to be a very long process. I'm currently formulating what's practically a 5 year plan. That's a long time. I always wish that things could happen faster than they do. I want full control of everything and take it all, do it all, overwhelm myself, and accomplish things quicker. But I have to accept that some things are slower processes, some things will take time, just to have a goal far off doesn't set me back.

I'm getting my life back together and goddamn it feels good.