Quit Me

Well, how do I say this without being inappropriate or being too vauge?

My relationship has come to the point where I will project these incredibly idealized romantic notions on any passing story, character, or person.

I'm so sick of unrequited romance. I'm sick of pretend feelings. I'm sick of love.

Just to Fill you in...

More strange dreams as of late...

A LOT of ikea shopping.

A lot of guilty buying and big spending yearning...

I just NEED to go to Anthropologie. and buy EVERYTHING. And then I'll be able to stop shopping... right?

It's ok, I'll move in, get settled, get used to my miniscule budget/income and learn to save on stupid stuff... So I can buy even more expensive stupid stuff. Like blouses and pretty pants and the world's most stunning robes...

Pictures soon of my yummy room!

I had dreams of Electricity and Jenny Lewis.

It was strange and beautiful.

It felt as panicked as a nightmare and in the darkness as I awoke I searched blindly through the air for something to save me.

When sleep found me again it was only dreams of friends, movies, and chinese food.

Cold Feet

I'm feeling rather sad and lonely. partially anxious tonight. I don't if it's just stress or if I'm a bit lonely and feeling the downtime for such a packed weekend.

I'm really really not looking forward to living with 3 other people. I know it's snobby of me but I'm just NOT a people-person. I'm especially not a 24 hour people person. I don't like big parties. I can't usually stand sleepovers. I'm constantly worried of people overstaying their welcome. And I just... I don't deal well having people around me constantly.

I need space. I need to unwind. I need privacy. I need alone time. a lot. a lot alot.

And I'm not so worried about living with Adolfo because I feel like we've known each other enough to know to stay our distance when we need it. And I feel like he's a lot like me and will have just as many issues with people constantly being there. I could tell him, "you know, i just need to be alone." and trust him to accept that.

At the same time, we've been friends so long and he's so important i'm afraid that living together could spoil our relationship. Hell, I was pretty close when I went to Europe and after 12 days of vacation I was ready to not see anyone for the rest of my life. ok, that's a little harsh. But i'm just such a space and distance based person. And I know most of it is my issues, not the people i'm around. And I just really wouldn't want anything to sour with my best and longest and favorite friend.

The other two? Sooooo dreading that. Fucking Bulldog with her goddamned brother being so incredibly rude. I'm not good with overbearing men. I'm not good with bossy people. I'm not good with condescending voice tones. There are certain things that will take me from polite and civil to outright bitchy and short. I have a tone, I know I have a tone, that I take one with people that does absolutely nothing to mask my dislike, rudeness, and anger. And with certain things I instantly take this tone. It's as if there's a very hard, unnegotiable period at the end of all of my statments. And i'm so word based I understand perfectly the strength of putting emphasis on certain words to make sentances more powerful and filled with irritation.

I just... I just don't understand not being on time for relatively professional appointments. I don't understand being an asshole to relatively adult people for no reason. I don't undetstand why a person can immediately push people around. My own family does it ALL the time. but never so inappropriately as they did. And I have very little tolerance for it.

(many sighs) I just got so desperate at the end of our house search... And I can't believe I agreed to this.... This will be a very long long long 6 months.

Other hands:

I got curtains. I love curtains. I'm very excited.
I have and assembled 2 bookcases and a dresser. Very cool.
I have my whole room planned out. also exciting.
I'm moving out of my houses soon. eek.

This could be my last time living in this room. In this house. with my parents.

How unbelievably frightening.

Overview

Actually my stomach is hurting an awful lot. I've eaten out at restaurants WAY too much this weekend.

Things I've gained since Friday:

1. First Edition Gabriel Garcia marquez book "Leaf Storm"
2. First Edition Pablo Neruda Volume III of Memorial de Isla Negra - El Fuego Cruel
3. First Edition Pablo Neruda Una casa en la arena
4. One glow-in-the-dark mom sweater from the zoo (cute bear on front)
5. Rilo Kiley Shirt says "Turn ON Rilo Kiley"
6. Rilo Kiley CD "takeoffs and landings"
7. a Tiffany Necklace
8. An M&ms monopoly
9. Blue Dream catcher
10. 3 housemates
11. A HOUSE IN SANTA CRUZ!
12. a stinging scratch on my face, near my eye
13. A parking ticket for $75.00

Things I've lost:

1. My car
2. 200+ bucks on getting back my car
3. a LOT of shit

So, overall a pretty productive weekend. I had a lot of fun although it was quite busy. Thursday, Rilo Kiley. Friday, Night Zoo and last day. Saturday, Anniversary (yay four years!). Sunday, Santa Cruz and Ikea.

Restaurants I've eaten at:

1. Mels (twice)
2. extreme Pizza(yyuucckk)
3. The Zoo Catering (eh)
4. Charlies Taqueria (stomach ache)
5. Coffee Company (just a bagel, and YUCKY bran muffin)
6. Aqua Bleu (yuck)
7. Cheesecake Factory (yuurrkk)

my stomach is kiiillllliiinnggg me. No more Restaurants for a couple of days.

Still in this Small Space

While watching the show last night my mind was flying with all the things I wanted to say. About people watching and seeing emotions flash through their body language. And about Jenny Lewis's graceful way of moving her face. And how knowing the drama and romance between the band made it so much more enjoyable for me.

But like usual, hours later it's all seemed to fade.

Not last night, but the night before. I had a dream about Casey Ward and Reid Harwood. And being in High school again. And the most present emotion was that sort of carefree, happy, unweighted, falling in love sort of feeling. That was the important part. That I associated that sort of happiness and love with being young. and running through open streets. And not with my life now. I woke up sad.

I had a happy night last night. and a happy morning. But then I came to work to feel bogged. I feel bogged down. Work does that to me. Thank GOD that today is my last day. Much happiness.

Anyways, about the show... It was fun. Hung out with Jake and Danielle (easier to refer to as JD, because we always see them together anyways. But I guess in the same way it's easy to see Adam and I as SA. which sounds better than AS. and, understandably strips one of their individuality in exchange for being a integral part of a unit. but that's a WHOLE other story). And they ARE actually my favorite of Adam's friends to a point where I consider them my friends too.

Unlike others whose names I will mention. But who I will mention as an unidentified source, Bullshit motherfucking idiotic drunk assholes that they are. You know, I got out of high school and with it came a certain sort of relief that I could stop worrying about people talking behind my back, being concerned with general "he said, she said, he saids," and general unfounded hatred towards me. But they remind me, again, that people are generally fuck heads. And that I have a weak outer shell that constantly falls victim to people degrading me. I allow what people to say to know me down. To make me feel like shit. And that's a REALLY big problem that I have. And so I tried to push all the people from my life that would make me feel like that. People who were competitive to a point where they had to put me down to make themselves feel better. People who lacked real drama in their lives and so had to create it out of thin air. People who found joy or amusement in causing other people pain. And you know, while I don't have many friends, and very few people in my life, and even less people that I TRULY care about, I did a good job of kicking out all of the bad. I don't need a lot of people. I need quality. If Adam's friends are so immature and so cruel to constantly talk shit about me behind my back with only barely knowing me. Then they aren't quality. And I wish I could separate them from my life. But I can't. And I hate that. And I know I dwell on that too much on a normal basis. But it's hard not to let it bring you down when you hear from so and so that someone someone said something or other about you and your significant other that not only hurt hurthurts you. But is also very humiliating. I don't deal well with humiliation. I can bear being walked on. I can take being disrespected more than most people can. And I can't even withstand childish anger directed at me. But when I'm humiliated it passes a line where I forget how to control myself.

Adam and his friends have humiliated me. And I won't get over that. Not now, and probably not for a very very long time. Call it holding a grudge. Call it juvenile. Call it petty. Whatever you want to call it, it isn't going to change the fact of the matter. It won't change that I have been ridiculed.

ANYWAYS, beyond all this bull crap...

I had a lot of fun at the show. I wasn't 100% because there was all this back stuff in my mind telling me that to have fun wasn't deserved or OK. But I did anyways. I absolutely love Rilo Kiley. I absolutely love Jenny Lewis. And I thought one of the guys in the band (pierre de reeder?) was really cute in that grown man sort of way. I loved how she totally rocked her sexuality with that vagina daring could show skirt. And I loved the sound of her voice.

A lot of times CDs sound better than live versions because of the different cuts and abilities to do this over that and that. But I thought they were 200% better live. Her voice was so perfect and pure and sweet. I was surprised and incredibly pleased. The crowd was a little irksome, but as is normal for a socially inept person like myself. But really, I loved it.

In a way I haven't loved anything in a long time.

On to more news... We FINALLY got a place in Santa Cruz. Already I'm not a fan of our roommates but we were getting desperate. Things are apparently much much much better with Adolfo which not only makes things easier but improves my whole quality of life. It's a cute little house, right near the mystery spot and therefore in the midst of towering chest achingly beautiful forest. It's yellow. With a little kitchen type walkway, and central living room. There are skylights. my absolute favorite. I've called the one bedroom with a skylight. And if I get it and can sit beneath the sun on warm days, and beneath the rain on bad ones... Then I'll be satisfied. what a LOAD off. phew. it's like 10 tons of weight off my chest.

Tonight is the night tour zoo thing. Which is exciting. but my camera is not only 100% dead but also at home. And my cell phone is incredibly full. Hopefully I can get at least 1 picture with me feeding a giraffe. Because I LLOOVEE giraffes. And Lions. But I don't think I'll be able to feed a lion... Again with Jake and Danielle. We're doing the dinner. the extra passes for feedings. and I even got a sweater! what a nerd, right? But I figure, why the hell not. It should be fun, tiring, and... dark?

Today is my last day of work too!!! I'm so excited. Times 1,000. I now know what it must feel like to hate your job every day, day in and day out. To an extreme. It's been a teaching experience. And helped with my determination to have a real career that I enjoy. And not something that feels like pointless slave work. There are few things I will miss...

1) my bamboo plant
2) Hanging out with my sister ALL day long
3) this keyboard and the quickness of the computer :sigh: oh, fast computer....
4) Getting to find out all the family gossip all day long
5) seeing Tsunami sometimes in the office

But mostly I'll miss hanging out with my sister. Not to say I won't be able to once I don't work here anymore. but it'll be different. Cause it isn't all day, every day. Even though I don't like her some days when we fight... she's still one of my ultimate BFFs. Also, the closest thing I have to a twin. hahah.

What else is new... hmm.... I got a haircut! it's much trendier and therefore cuter. And it makes me feel a little silly to care about my hair so much. But I like it anyway. It also feels lighter and healthier. Which is fun. I'm considering highlights. But am afraid for it's long term affect on my quality of hair. Chemicals are scary....

OK, i need to actually get a little bit of something done today!

(I'm also looking to buy a cute cool yet functionally and logical planner. Any suggestions?

Much Ado About Absolutely Nothing

Remember me one day when I wasn't absolutely sick with love...

In one aspect or another.

I've just the constitution and weak equilibrium to make me constant victim to my emotions.

And worse yet, The one I am, have always been, and fear will always be plauged with an extreme obsession with Love.

I'm constantly reminding myself that far too often I idealize or dehumanize Love. And this raises the stakes to impossible standards and leads to a relatively unsatisfied day to day living.

But what am I to do if the last thing I can seem to fall out of love with is love itself?

The Logic of the Climb

Let’s be diplomatic about this. Let’s stop ourselves from falling and look from a birds eye view.

Before the climb: make sure you’re in securely. Count the check offs. One, I’m secure. Two, secure in the right place. Three, align, or realign if necessary, until it suits who you are. Four, make sure the other is there.

To be logical we’ll say: The path is marked in red stones along the wall. The grade is written at the bottom. The goal is sectioned with tape at the top. If you use more than one color stone than the level you’re climbing is immediately less. Less worthwhile, less of an accomplishment.

There is a list of commands to reaffirm the levels of being ready. If climbing, I’ll start. The ground will respond. It’s my turn again, and this time it’s double checking looking over my shoulder “this is about to start, I’m going.” And they will respond with “Go.” Something along those lines.

Here are some tips: always be sure to look where you place your feet; do not be careless. Also, if possible back climb, always back climb. This means to retrace your steps downwards on the wall. It builds skills.

This is when the ascent will begin. It will take trust, cooperation, confidence, and sometimes a leap of faith. Once or twice, hopefully no more you’ll veer from the set course; take a green rock, or a little blue. Just to keep you going.

Do not stop too long, you’ll lose momentum. Do not fall too hard, you’ll lose determination. Do not overanalyze, you will lose courage. Do not look down, you’ll lose hope.

Most people reach the top, feel accomplished and come down. In different situations, you can stand at the top, look down, and feel true pride. Other times, you’ll never come back down. Everyone wishes for that kind of climb. The kind of climb where you’ll remain on high, when you won’t ever be put back to ground level. Few achieve this.

Where will this take me? How long will I wait? How long will I trust you with this? How many different stones must I use, distancing myself from the path, will I need to take to keep me going? Will I ever reach the goal? Will I have to descend? What will I accomplish at the end of this?

Will it be worth it?

Are you Sure?

For all my anger and huf and puff... for all my blinding fury...

I'm really just all talk and venting. When it comes down to it, i have intense guilt and regret complexes.

The moment something is done I want to take it back. I am drenched in remorse.

Here's a fun game I found... Well it isn't THAT fun, it's a little anticlimatic.

But that's ok, it's amusing nonetheless. Everyone should come play. because it's interesting.

www.lost.eu/626a4

You have to sign up though. you just can't go look and see.

it's awwessoommee

Forgiven Fantasies

Inappropriate thoughts at VERY inappropriate times this weekend. Old obsessions.


Last night:

He and I were talking. internet. just the written words scrolling throuhg my mind accompanied by chimes. A trip to the beach, maybe it was the zoo. being pulled from our new conversation to drive carload after carload of family. All I could think about was him. And that because I missed that exact moment I knew I had missed my chance. forever.

Awake to a turned back and closed arms.