Desolation

I'm sad. I feel isolated. I feel so alone. This entire time being in LA i've felt physically and emotionally alone.

But right now I feel like all of the great relationships i've worked to build in my life aren't so great because of my shortcomings and my needs. I feel distanced.

I feel deserted.

I feel like this entire time i was forming these relationships around gaurds to myself that I know never work anyways. And these guards, i will admit, are sometimes (and other times not) in response to the guards I see others building from me. I feel like everyone has distanced themselves from me. and in return I furthered the distance.

What was I supposed to do? continually push?

ANd now the distance that I have created has become so great that there are no longer connections enough to bridge the gap.

I feel so desperate and hopeless. I feel like nothing could help me anymore. Like the cold has soaked into my soul.

And the only thing that has been able to revive any life feelings within me I could call genuine have been from the books I've read and I want to shirk life and my responsibilites and my connections and all of my people to dissappear and unbecome and to evaporate and to be absorbed

into these false worlds made of words.

I want someone to talk to, simply enough. to talk-talk to. to completely open up to. about the one hundred meaningless things and the two hundred meaningful things. I've realized that my life is lacking in communication with other girls. Because we are a different species within ourselves with different forms of communication and support. and i really wish i had that right now. i really really wish i had that.

at one point i saw my depression as drowing. very similar to literal drowning. As in being pulled under by waves and losing the feeling of control and the sort of hush beneath water. and the gasping and fighting and pulling for air. and some people get too tired of fighting and they give up. and the rest of us have to hope that we find refuge. or are saved.

but the feelings i'm feeling now? they're much less violent and strong as a struggle for life against the cruel elements of nature. This doesn't feel like death. It is desolation. I am in a desert and I have enough food and water to last me long enough. The sun isn't hot enough to blister my skin or anything as dramatic as that. I'm simply on flat desert land and caked dirt. no moving sand. and as far as my eyes can see in either direction there is only this. I could be lost. I could be going in circles because there's no way to mark or direct. only emptiness and desert. I feel hopeless that I'll ever find civilization again and my voice seems to have dried out other than the conversations i'm holding within my mind. It's long and monotonous. and most of all it is lonely.

I feel so done and tired with friendships and relationships. I feel so tired of the guess and check and the love and hate and the hit or miss. I am so tired of being alone and pretending I need no one. I need people in my lives. I need a social network. I need friends to talk to, and friends to party with, and friends to hang out with, and friends for all of it with. I need any sort of society. I need civilization again.

I will include no justification for my thoughts for they're only merely that: thoughts and feelings. And I wish I had something to share it with other than faceless readers. or none at all.