Helpless

The past few weeks have been a really hard time for me. I think I always say that. But difficult is an understatement.

There are different sorts of pain. And I think this is just a different kind. The only time that I can imagine being so unhappy was when Adam was gone. But then it was a different sort of pain. It was growing through experience and hardships.

I feel this is for nothing.

I have never been so hopeless and agonized. I have never dreaded each moment. My depression has never been such an incredible blow as this. I cannot get through every day. I cannot remain optomistic.

There is no other word for it than "hopeless." And it scares me. Because I don't know what this sort of agony is capable of. I don't know what I can do. I am unaware of the next step in this. Can it get worse? Will it get better?

I'm going home soon. And a part of me is so afraid that when I leave here this pain won't leave my body. I'm scared this will always haunt me. and follow me and overshadow my ever move. What sort of fear has this failure caused? What sort of chances will I lose because of that fear? What will I regret when I have time to see the larger picture? What will the rest of my life be like because of the decisions I have made today?

Every time I look back at last spring it still hurts me. It's still this wound that refuses to heal. Will this time in my life be the same? Will I always think of LA and will it always break my heart?

I'm afraid for the rest of my life because I'm afraid of tomorrow. I'm afraid that at the end of each day I won't be proud of who I am and I won't be able to say that I was brave. What has my life led me to? What have I led my life to? The whole world is before me and I'm afraid of doing the wrong things. And i'm afraid who I am.

The only thing that has come from this is that it has cemented my relationships at home. And I know who my real friends are. Not that I wasn't sure before. But now I know that I can let myself go when I need to. And that they'll be there to catch me. And I hope that one day I can be a good enough person and be strong enough to help them stand if they ever need me to. I have love in my life. From my family, from adolfo, and from adam. And if it weren't for those three pillars of support in my life I would be lost. Their love has kept me afloat while I have been drowning. The whole world is wrong for me now. Except for them.