The Orchestra

I don't want to be this person that's always so down and out on myself. I don't want to be exactly everything I am right now. And sometimes I see what has to be done to fix it... and I just don't know how. and sometimes I know how but I don't know how to try. And sometimes I don't know if I'm trying too hard or if I'm continually giving up.

I'm at this strange spot in my life where nothing is happening and I want something to happen and I just don't know what. I've been waiting for this stroke of inspiration or to be hit by some magical faith in myself or to stumble onto something that just made sense. I've been not so patiently waiting for the peices to simply fall into place.

There's a part of me that says that nothing ever just "falls" into place, and that I can't WAIT for things to happen, I have to aggressively make it happen. I can't be passive about success, I need to stand up and grab at it.

But everytime I thought I had done that, when I saw that I was unhappy and aggressively worked for somethign better to make me happier, it hasn't worked out. I seemingly pick these things to do because i can't be doing nothing and I have to make it happen myself, with my own two hands. I force myself along and along and along, and suddenly I realize that I never wanted it to begin with, I just felt the need to have SOMETHING, ANYTHING.

So, I thought I would try something different this time. I wouldn't force myself to swallow anymore. I wouldn't be overtaken by the need to go, go, go, go. I would wait until I found something that I actually, truly, sincerely wanted so I could go for it, get there and be happy. I was waiting for something to make me want it.

And now I don't know. It hasn't come and maybe it never will. Maybe it won't make sense.

It's hard for me right now not to be really down and out on myself. I don't like to admit that I'm such a self-pitying kind of person, but I am. Or at least, I can be. Right now, I just don't know how to believe in myself. I just can't.