Eagle Eyes

I'm super tired.

I have a lot of unpacking and arranging to do.

I'm supposed to be a good girlfriend and go hang out with my boyfriend tonight. But i'm lazy to drive over there. And I feel bad making him drive over here. Oh, the choices, the choices.

My room is shaping up. Pictures to come eventually.

As of recent:

1. gone to the Legion of Honor
2. Hung out with Tiffany
3. FINALLY went to Andrea's to offer advice on curtains
4. Got super cool keys to Adam's place
5. Finally made an appearance at a family party much to my chagrin
6. Unpacked all unpackable boxes.
7. A crap load of laundry and folding.

Attempting to regulate sleeping schedule. Difficult. Love too much sleeping life style of college lazy bum.

Must find job soon. And finish my resume. blahhh

New Plans

I plan to start putting pictures up here much more often. Making it more of a picture blog rather than a writing one.

Its just hard on me, cause I generally hate taking pictures. I get embaressed.

Will try harder more often though. And actually charge my camera more than once a year.

Like Its Ours to Keep

The end of finals... The end of yet another quarter... Two down, only two to go.

I feel like I'm cheating myself by not double majoring. But I also feel guilty to stay any longer. Like it's so easy to throw away a thousand bucks a month. I mean, education isn't THROWING it away, per se. But it sure isn't easy to think that 3,00 per quarter is EASY.

But in my defense, I do truly appreciate it. And I feel like I am more grateful for all of my educational oppurtunities than some other people I know. I take full loads every chance I get, I try not to miss many classes. I'm doing well. But more importantly I actualy truly feel like I'm really learning. Like everything I read is blowing my mind.

I love that feeling.

Housing situation was a winner. (rolls eyes). You win some, you lose some. I won the war, I lost some friends. I won some self respect, I lost a couple of shit faces in my life. Most importantly, i've won, they've lost.

Or something like that...

It's strange to think of the things people do and why. I hope that in some odd years I'll be able to look back on this whole mess and understand it. And in retrospect, learn to forgive it. There are few emotions that I hate more than anger. It's the feeling of being misused, humiliated, and/or shocked. I've felt these and many more emotions in the past months. And it makes me a little sad to say it took me all of 21 years to come to the conclusion that I can still be a good person and refuse to be treated like shit, walked on, and generally taken advantage of. But I guess I'm glad it came now. Better late than never.

Still happy overall. I have a very few small amount of people in my life that mean a lot to me. But they deserve it in every way and I appreciate them every day. Someone (or a lot of ones) told me that I put too much value in people, and it's hard to live up to that. I don't believe in those same sort of ideals. What am I supposed to do? Value everyone as very little so they won't dissapoint, and live a relatively empty life? Not my cup of tea.

The people in my life now, the very very few, are incredibly horribly valuable to me. And losing one more could very well shatter my very heart that is so much apart of me. And sometimes that is incredibly frightening. But it's worth it.

My life is rich and I am happy. I go through the day satisfied, content, and generally settled. There was someone I loved more than I thought possible. And in a matter of months had to deal with the repercussions of their horrible behavior, inconsideration, disrespect, and denigration.

No matter how much I love someone, I'll never let that happen to me again. I will never stand by the wayside, while the guns are all aimed at me.

I guess that's all.

To Whom it May Concern,

You matter so little to me now, it's almost surprising.

You took it too far. And now you're so distant you are of insignificant size. Hah.

Hows that for emasculating.

We Are Not Alone

Anymore...

Torn

I've had a really hard time adjusting to life lately. Being pulled from fighting depression and just being depressed.

The thing is... My heart is broken. And i'm really hurt. a little shell shocked. And sad.

I miss having my best friend. I really really do. And I think about it behind everything I'm thinking about.

I'm having a great time with all of my friends. We're all laughing and I love life. I love this life I've built for myself. I love everything. I love my family. I love school. I love my friends. I love Adam. Hell, sometimes I even love being so transitory and practically living out of my car.

But I loved him too. And I don't know how to stop doing that. And I miss loving just one more person.

I don't want him back in my life. and I don't think I could love him again... But... it's still really really hard for me.

Everyone says that it will take time. I'm trying to give it time. I know everything will be ok...

Its just that right now? Right now is really hard.

I'm torn between crying uncontrollably to laughing uncontrollably. I feel so manic. so bipolar. So insane.

And then i remember that there's a reason for this. That i'm not just making these things up. They aren't chemical botches in my brain. I am sad. i am happy. 

If it weren't for Adam and Grace I would be completely lost. 

I just... I thought, hell, I thought I knew that he would be the one person to be in my life for the rest of it. dependably. reliably. for suredly.

And now I have to accept that there's a chance he'll never be apart of it again. And I won't be allowed to be in his life either.

To Double Major? or Live?

Freaked out for a good portion of a night and following afternoon. Realized that I need 7 classes to graduate, not 5.

not that big of a difference, but i'm all up on the planning. Don't like curveballs.

Stressosaur. wah wah wah.

Should I double major rathe than 2 useless electives? oh my...

Going to my unhelpful advisor today at 2.

went shopping yesterday, shouldn't have. It was good anyways, i think?

Greater Than

I went to a comic book convention today.

I'm really sleepy.

I took a 4 nap this evening. Should've stayed asleep.

Late nite Chinese food and then my ride home.

can't wait to move out of my place, hate it like hell. I think of it everyday and it's like my stomach drops to the floor, my intestines twist up, and i trudge through the day miserable.

Bah humbug to crappy living situations.

Long live the long weekend

Wax Poetic

I'm starting a new journal. a physical private one.

oooooh, exciting, right?

most often I'm embaressed and/or ashamed of what I write here. So I think it's important to clarify that I don't think I'm some sort of writer that's trying to wax poetic about my daily life.

I'm just an overly emotional normal complaining about my day to day cause I don't like to complain in real life.

That's what all this is.

Como Este

I had this dream that I was in Chile again. In some large souvenir store. My dad was there and I think everyone was waiting for me outside. I was rushing through, just picking stuff up to buy.

There was a shirt hanging about the register with Pablo Neruda on it that I wanted really bad. I kept asking the man, "?Cuanto cuesta?" over and over again, trying to ask about it in spanish.

And then I see it, the most beautiful scarf in the world. Like my friendship bracelet but bigger. It was mainly yellow. I pointed to it saying "amarillo! ?como se dice, scarf? Scarf?" I pointed to the scarf I just so happened to be wearing, saying "Como este, pero amarillo."

He wasn't getting it.

What Am I?

Lately thinking a lot about race and gender. And how it has held me back and how it has formed who I am today.

I am both bitter and indebted.