Like Its Ours to Keep

The end of finals... The end of yet another quarter... Two down, only two to go.

I feel like I'm cheating myself by not double majoring. But I also feel guilty to stay any longer. Like it's so easy to throw away a thousand bucks a month. I mean, education isn't THROWING it away, per se. But it sure isn't easy to think that 3,00 per quarter is EASY.

But in my defense, I do truly appreciate it. And I feel like I am more grateful for all of my educational oppurtunities than some other people I know. I take full loads every chance I get, I try not to miss many classes. I'm doing well. But more importantly I actualy truly feel like I'm really learning. Like everything I read is blowing my mind.

I love that feeling.

Housing situation was a winner. (rolls eyes). You win some, you lose some. I won the war, I lost some friends. I won some self respect, I lost a couple of shit faces in my life. Most importantly, i've won, they've lost.

Or something like that...

It's strange to think of the things people do and why. I hope that in some odd years I'll be able to look back on this whole mess and understand it. And in retrospect, learn to forgive it. There are few emotions that I hate more than anger. It's the feeling of being misused, humiliated, and/or shocked. I've felt these and many more emotions in the past months. And it makes me a little sad to say it took me all of 21 years to come to the conclusion that I can still be a good person and refuse to be treated like shit, walked on, and generally taken advantage of. But I guess I'm glad it came now. Better late than never.

Still happy overall. I have a very few small amount of people in my life that mean a lot to me. But they deserve it in every way and I appreciate them every day. Someone (or a lot of ones) told me that I put too much value in people, and it's hard to live up to that. I don't believe in those same sort of ideals. What am I supposed to do? Value everyone as very little so they won't dissapoint, and live a relatively empty life? Not my cup of tea.

The people in my life now, the very very few, are incredibly horribly valuable to me. And losing one more could very well shatter my very heart that is so much apart of me. And sometimes that is incredibly frightening. But it's worth it.

My life is rich and I am happy. I go through the day satisfied, content, and generally settled. There was someone I loved more than I thought possible. And in a matter of months had to deal with the repercussions of their horrible behavior, inconsideration, disrespect, and denigration.

No matter how much I love someone, I'll never let that happen to me again. I will never stand by the wayside, while the guns are all aimed at me.

I guess that's all.