Torn

I've had a really hard time adjusting to life lately. Being pulled from fighting depression and just being depressed.

The thing is... My heart is broken. And i'm really hurt. a little shell shocked. And sad.

I miss having my best friend. I really really do. And I think about it behind everything I'm thinking about.

I'm having a great time with all of my friends. We're all laughing and I love life. I love this life I've built for myself. I love everything. I love my family. I love school. I love my friends. I love Adam. Hell, sometimes I even love being so transitory and practically living out of my car.

But I loved him too. And I don't know how to stop doing that. And I miss loving just one more person.

I don't want him back in my life. and I don't think I could love him again... But... it's still really really hard for me.

Everyone says that it will take time. I'm trying to give it time. I know everything will be ok...

Its just that right now? Right now is really hard.

I'm torn between crying uncontrollably to laughing uncontrollably. I feel so manic. so bipolar. So insane.

And then i remember that there's a reason for this. That i'm not just making these things up. They aren't chemical botches in my brain. I am sad. i am happy. 

If it weren't for Adam and Grace I would be completely lost. 

I just... I thought, hell, I thought I knew that he would be the one person to be in my life for the rest of it. dependably. reliably. for suredly.

And now I have to accept that there's a chance he'll never be apart of it again. And I won't be allowed to be in his life either.