I find myself in the same sort of emotion cycles constantly. The one of the week?
I'm pining for some sort of romance. A really good book. A really good movie. Something to make my heart skip a beat and my breath to catch. Something that makes my chest ache just a little.
I want to listen to the best love songs while watching love movies and reading love books. I want them all to have a happy ending and for each one to be absolutely lovely and delicate and wonderful.
I even wikipedia-ed Love. I laugh at myself.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
When you're at the mercy of your own brain's whims, pains, throbs and aches the only thing I can muster is, "why is this happening? What did I do?"
I feel some sort of mild hopelessness being victim to my own body. The swelling and burning and itching of the hives. The bruised feeling all over my body, not being able to move the itching is so intense.
And now migraines? This is the first time it hasn't been able to be "slept off" but it doesn't mean it's the first time. I can easily say I've had at least 5 in the last month.
Is it stress? Is it some unknown allergy? Or is whatever has plagued me the past three years only intensifying?
Why is this happening to me? What have I done?
Monday, January 4, 2010
The New Year
First things first: The New Year.
I looked to old entries to see where I was last year. Apparently my car was broken down and I was trying to focus on the better more positive of life. I'm trying to think of how that's applied in the past year and I'm coming up blank. As usual, I have an approximately 3 month memory. Everything after that is "when did that happen? This year? or was that last year?"
I'm also blanking on a new year's resolution. I'm not like everyone else in thinking that resolutions are made to be broken. I'm not the type. I feel like if a resolution even had a small tiny affect on the year then it did it's job, that it was successful. If someone says they'll be healthier and they originally plan on working out 4 times a week and they do for a little while, but gradually it dims down to once or twice a week. Then I think, hey, you did for a little while and look! now it's once or twice a week when last year it was once or twice a month: IMPROVEMENT!
Last year my resolution was, "to stop looking so fucked up all the time." I think it worked. I mean, I still have my "never gonna care what I look like days," when there's not a smudge of makeup in sight, my hair is... frightening, i'm wearing boy pants and I'm dirtier than I'll care to admit. But most days now, I look at least a little more put together than I used to. I wear makeup for more than just special occassions, I blow dry or straighten my hair almost every time I shower, and I don't look so... dowdy as I did last year.
This year? I can't think of one. I make some sort of resolution every year. My new year isn't complete without it. Not to say that I'm beyond improvement, that I'm perfect and can't think of a flaw to fix, that isn't it at all. I'm flaw-full.
I think the bigger issue at hand is that lately I've been going through a bit of a self-esteem crisis. And by lately I might mean the last couple years of my life. Or maybe ever. Or maybe it's always been a problem and it's only just mattering to me now. But you can't very well resolve to just HAVE more confidence in one's own abilities. It has to be built. So I can't very well resolve to fix it. But that sounds SO un-fun as a resolution.
I've heard some good ones too. Things like to start experiencing what life has to offer or to give more or to be more available. But I want somethign entirely my own that sounds feasible to who I am and will add a little more fun to my life.
I guess, in writing all this I've worked through it. Maybe my resolution should be to start having a lot more fun in my life. And not just more fun but A LOT more fun. hmph. And that's that.
If you're having trouble, try this website, I thought it was pretty awesome.
Resolution Generator
I looked to old entries to see where I was last year. Apparently my car was broken down and I was trying to focus on the better more positive of life. I'm trying to think of how that's applied in the past year and I'm coming up blank. As usual, I have an approximately 3 month memory. Everything after that is "when did that happen? This year? or was that last year?"
I'm also blanking on a new year's resolution. I'm not like everyone else in thinking that resolutions are made to be broken. I'm not the type. I feel like if a resolution even had a small tiny affect on the year then it did it's job, that it was successful. If someone says they'll be healthier and they originally plan on working out 4 times a week and they do for a little while, but gradually it dims down to once or twice a week. Then I think, hey, you did for a little while and look! now it's once or twice a week when last year it was once or twice a month: IMPROVEMENT!
Last year my resolution was, "to stop looking so fucked up all the time." I think it worked. I mean, I still have my "never gonna care what I look like days," when there's not a smudge of makeup in sight, my hair is... frightening, i'm wearing boy pants and I'm dirtier than I'll care to admit. But most days now, I look at least a little more put together than I used to. I wear makeup for more than just special occassions, I blow dry or straighten my hair almost every time I shower, and I don't look so... dowdy as I did last year.
This year? I can't think of one. I make some sort of resolution every year. My new year isn't complete without it. Not to say that I'm beyond improvement, that I'm perfect and can't think of a flaw to fix, that isn't it at all. I'm flaw-full.
I think the bigger issue at hand is that lately I've been going through a bit of a self-esteem crisis. And by lately I might mean the last couple years of my life. Or maybe ever. Or maybe it's always been a problem and it's only just mattering to me now. But you can't very well resolve to just HAVE more confidence in one's own abilities. It has to be built. So I can't very well resolve to fix it. But that sounds SO un-fun as a resolution.
I've heard some good ones too. Things like to start experiencing what life has to offer or to give more or to be more available. But I want somethign entirely my own that sounds feasible to who I am and will add a little more fun to my life.
I guess, in writing all this I've worked through it. Maybe my resolution should be to start having a lot more fun in my life. And not just more fun but A LOT more fun. hmph. And that's that.
If you're having trouble, try this website, I thought it was pretty awesome.
Resolution Generator
Friday, January 1, 2010
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Awe
Today I saw one of these absolutely beautiful dogs.
I stalked him down (as is my habit with awesome dogs) in a store hoping to "casually" bump into the owners so I could request to pet it.
I've done this many a-time. I've had outright rude refusals, threats of dog bites, and even some people ignoring me. Let me tell you, people with awesome dogs are usually NOT NICE AT ALL. It's very rare that someone lets me pet their dog. You may think I'm just a creeper and people sense this and rightfully refuse me but I insist that I am not. I am polite and completely innocent.
Either way, this absolutely beautiful and well dressed couple (I quite sincerely mean they were ridiculously pretty and so so so nicely dressed) were walking around a store in bustling union square, I stalked them down, finally and succesfully "casually" bumped into them and asked if I pet their dog. The dog was even on it's way out, it was bee-lining it SOMEWHERE. This couple, this beautiful couple, stopped their dog, said, "Of course." and pulled him to come say hello to me. It was so wonderful.
He snuffled and sniffed at my leg a couple of times (he could smell the Penelope on me). He licked and smelled my hand (My favorite thing for a dog to do is sniff me. There's just something so adorable about doggie noses and the feeling of their snout gently pushing me to snuffle me.).
They even made small talk with me about his breed, they asked about my own dog and her type. They were so wonderfully nice. They had british accents and spent a moment just being polite. And I got to pet their awesome dog.
It sounds so trivial and silly, but it totally made my night. It couldn't have only been the dog, it had to be partly having a totally human and sweet moment with strangers. It had to do with not being snubbed or ignored in a moment where I easily could have been. And I know it shouldn't matter but they were an interracial couple and it does make them much cooler in my book.
It made my night and made me just that much happier. So, English sounding white man who was rather tall and shorter Indian girl that has a really nice red coat that own a really cool giant schnauzer that was wandering around Union Square tonight: Thank you.
I stalked him down (as is my habit with awesome dogs) in a store hoping to "casually" bump into the owners so I could request to pet it.
I've done this many a-time. I've had outright rude refusals, threats of dog bites, and even some people ignoring me. Let me tell you, people with awesome dogs are usually NOT NICE AT ALL. It's very rare that someone lets me pet their dog. You may think I'm just a creeper and people sense this and rightfully refuse me but I insist that I am not. I am polite and completely innocent.
Either way, this absolutely beautiful and well dressed couple (I quite sincerely mean they were ridiculously pretty and so so so nicely dressed) were walking around a store in bustling union square, I stalked them down, finally and succesfully "casually" bumped into them and asked if I pet their dog. The dog was even on it's way out, it was bee-lining it SOMEWHERE. This couple, this beautiful couple, stopped their dog, said, "Of course." and pulled him to come say hello to me. It was so wonderful.
He snuffled and sniffed at my leg a couple of times (he could smell the Penelope on me). He licked and smelled my hand (My favorite thing for a dog to do is sniff me. There's just something so adorable about doggie noses and the feeling of their snout gently pushing me to snuffle me.).
They even made small talk with me about his breed, they asked about my own dog and her type. They were so wonderfully nice. They had british accents and spent a moment just being polite. And I got to pet their awesome dog.
It sounds so trivial and silly, but it totally made my night. It couldn't have only been the dog, it had to be partly having a totally human and sweet moment with strangers. It had to do with not being snubbed or ignored in a moment where I easily could have been. And I know it shouldn't matter but they were an interracial couple and it does make them much cooler in my book.
It made my night and made me just that much happier. So, English sounding white man who was rather tall and shorter Indian girl that has a really nice red coat that own a really cool giant schnauzer that was wandering around Union Square tonight: Thank you.
Room to Believe
While I may be constantly complaining about the state of the season and it's unbearable cold if there has been anything less prepared than my psyche it's definately been my wardrobe. Over the summer I collected the most beautiful skirts, dresses, and shorts. I had shorts for work and skirts for the every day. For the first time I accumulated a summer wardrobe to be proud of. I was always so cold prepared I was a coat kind of girl. Maybe it was a lack of funds this year or an increase in frugality but I took to summer shopping like... Well, to be redundant from past entires, like summer would never end. It sincerely felt like it wouldn't, couldn't, and shouldn't. It was a sunshine and feel like I look beautiful kind of summer.
Fall crept by me like it always does. We always have indian summers here in the bay area anyways. Plus with the feeling like everyone was dying or sick, the engagement (opposite feelings, do realize), moving, dog maintaining, and work time just kept fly, fly, flying right by me. So there I am, looking cute and be-hive-ed and be-shivering.
Anyways, I digress, all of that was simply to explain that Christmas has officially solved me of this problem. I received two coats, and two pairs of pants. And I had a bit of a shopping day today.
From Adam I also received a boxed set of signed and numbered Eels records. It's it's own kind of magic.
(In case anyone is wondering I also got a really awesome Bear Portrait Book, my long awaited and much beloved entire series of Sex and the City on DVD, some measuring cups, a duck pitcher, and a lot of other really great things. Not to mention all the goodies that I never talked about for our engagement with many more to come with our upcoming BIG engagement party).
So maybe now I'll be a little more prepared, a little better adjusted for this upcoming new year. Every New Year's Eve I turn every waking moment into a metaphor to interpret my past and future. It never works. Every New years is a dissapointment and so far, each coming year has held it's own kinds if failures (and of course, it's own small successes. It's been a difficult decade so far. Hopefully this year I can be a little more relaxed and have myself a little fun. Hell, maybe this year I'll even drink so I'm not so irritable at everyone else drinking.
We're considering having a New Year's Party. I've never had a new year's party before... As we all know I'm not even much of a partier. I'm slightly excited given that it's our first new years engaged and our first in our new apartment. But then I think that everytime I have a moment to breathe I crowd it with things to do as much as possible. "The Holidays" are finally over and so all I really have to worry about is work, catching up with my sadly neglected friends, and planning the engagement party. If I commit to a party for New Year's Eve then I have a little less than a week to prepare, decorate, and invite people. Which implies a week running around being busy, trying to squish in friends, and trying to force "quality" time with Adam. And when that's over then I have only 15 days (two weeks) to make final preps for the engagement party. There are RSVP's to track down, family members to hound, DJs to find, decorations to prepare, and other such things to worry about.
Like I said earlier, time just fly, fly, flies by me.
Fall crept by me like it always does. We always have indian summers here in the bay area anyways. Plus with the feeling like everyone was dying or sick, the engagement (opposite feelings, do realize), moving, dog maintaining, and work time just kept fly, fly, flying right by me. So there I am, looking cute and be-hive-ed and be-shivering.
Anyways, I digress, all of that was simply to explain that Christmas has officially solved me of this problem. I received two coats, and two pairs of pants. And I had a bit of a shopping day today.
From Adam I also received a boxed set of signed and numbered Eels records. It's it's own kind of magic.
(In case anyone is wondering I also got a really awesome Bear Portrait Book, my long awaited and much beloved entire series of Sex and the City on DVD, some measuring cups, a duck pitcher, and a lot of other really great things. Not to mention all the goodies that I never talked about for our engagement with many more to come with our upcoming BIG engagement party).
So maybe now I'll be a little more prepared, a little better adjusted for this upcoming new year. Every New Year's Eve I turn every waking moment into a metaphor to interpret my past and future. It never works. Every New years is a dissapointment and so far, each coming year has held it's own kinds if failures (and of course, it's own small successes. It's been a difficult decade so far. Hopefully this year I can be a little more relaxed and have myself a little fun. Hell, maybe this year I'll even drink so I'm not so irritable at everyone else drinking.
We're considering having a New Year's Party. I've never had a new year's party before... As we all know I'm not even much of a partier. I'm slightly excited given that it's our first new years engaged and our first in our new apartment. But then I think that everytime I have a moment to breathe I crowd it with things to do as much as possible. "The Holidays" are finally over and so all I really have to worry about is work, catching up with my sadly neglected friends, and planning the engagement party. If I commit to a party for New Year's Eve then I have a little less than a week to prepare, decorate, and invite people. Which implies a week running around being busy, trying to squish in friends, and trying to force "quality" time with Adam. And when that's over then I have only 15 days (two weeks) to make final preps for the engagement party. There are RSVP's to track down, family members to hound, DJs to find, decorations to prepare, and other such things to worry about.
Like I said earlier, time just fly, fly, flies by me.
Monday, December 14, 2009
The Canary
The best indicator of whether or not I'm PMSing is how much I can be around my parents. If i'm even just slightly hormonal then I CANNOT bear to be around them. I'm snappy, irritated, and sometimes downright angry.
I would say I'm sorry but as of right now hormones are in full swing and all I can think is, "Well, they deserve it." Hmph.
And that's that.
I would say I'm sorry but as of right now hormones are in full swing and all I can think is, "Well, they deserve it." Hmph.
And that's that.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
To Repeat Myself:
I feel like I won't ever get used to the cold of this winter. It jsut doesn't seem to make sense to me. Summer shouldn't have ever ended.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Color Theories
In an effort to be a better blogger I've decided to write something new everyday. If it's only a sentance, an unimportant thought, or just a word than so be it.
The color Chantreuse. Just by the word I assume it's something of a pinkish-purple, a magenta flavor or some such. Imagine my surprise each and every time when it's shown to me as a sort of green. What an off-named color.
AlsoL I've gotten 10 people off my christmas list and only 10 more to go! 5 are gift cards and 5 are actual gifts that I even have yet to think up. Christmas is in... 15 days?
The color Chantreuse. Just by the word I assume it's something of a pinkish-purple, a magenta flavor or some such. Imagine my surprise each and every time when it's shown to me as a sort of green. What an off-named color.
AlsoL I've gotten 10 people off my christmas list and only 10 more to go! 5 are gift cards and 5 are actual gifts that I even have yet to think up. Christmas is in... 15 days?
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
December
Ok, So I haven't been a very good blogger at all. It's a mixture of busy movingness, mediocre content-ness, lost soul feelingness, and spirit crush-ed-ness. I've started at least 15 entries without finishing about a wide array of things: sexual fantasies, ex-best-friends, the fabulous friends engagement party we had, our new home and the tasks of making a house a home, and even the Christmas spirit. I start them, I get distracted, I forget what I was trying to say anyways, and then I never go back to figure it out.
I guess that's enough for now. Hope that everyone is well as the weather turns colder and colder
- Let's skip all of that because it's said and done with and onto the things I really want to talk about right now. I half want to start a wedding blog but I know I wouldn't keep up with it, the same way I had two entries on the dog blog. (BTW, my dog is ridiculously adorable.)
- I need to start scheduling appointments for locations for the wedding. Places we are considering: Spain, Italy, Chile, Washington state, or home (in the broader scope) and art museums, barns, rent-a-farms, (NOT vineyards), and observatories/conservatories (in the more specific sense).
- I need to start dress shopping!! I go back and forth between breathlessly anticipating with heart flutters trying on dresses and dreading with a sinking stomach sort of hopelessness feeling. Before I can dress shop (and even location peruse) I need to get a more definite idea of our wedding budget. I know what our budget is but I still have to have "The money talk" with my parents. My parents do not want to discuss wedding monies until after the engagement party (The *BIG* one) in January. We don't need their money or even depend on it, but I know for a fact that 1) my dad will be sad if he cannot contribute to our wedding fund 2) My dad has opened up a savings account some time ago specifically for this event and 3) Both my parents ascribe to the more traditional "bride's parents pay" sort of mentality. And SO! here's what I've got so far about the dress: I don't like organza, satin, taffeta, beading, bling, or ball gowns. I'm leaning more towards a mermaid or trumpet dress but only in the most subtle of ways. I don't prefer A-line dresses and I don't think I want a shorter dress. I love lace and tulle and ribbons (but not lace up ribbon backs). I like sweetheart necklines, strapless, some ruching and/or the pinch/twist in the front. I don't need a long train but I would like to bustle the dress post-ceremony. I'm definitely not getting two dresses and I hope to find that "Wow" factor love at first sight kind of gown.
- We're considering going to Spain in the Spring. My family wants to go to Hawaii after Christmas. And possibly romantic weekend travelling sooner or later.
- The engagement party is quickly coming together. I should upload the invitations so everyone can see.
- I have gotten 10 people off my christmas list via the internet and have 10 more to go (5 I still have to decide what I'm getting, 5 are just gift cards I need to stop by various stores to get).
I guess that's enough for now. Hope that everyone is well as the weather turns colder and colder
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)