Until we meet again, EvilNemesisHitlerCat

Last night the neighborhood cat that I not so affectionately refer to as "The Hitler Cat" ran across the street while driving away and in the streetlight I could see that he was bleeding!

Given that we live so rural and everyone in the neighborhood has a pet of some sort, I feel like I have animal run-ins more often than everyone else. There was the lab that was stuck in my yard, there was the old blind-deaf-disabled dog I found in the middle of the street and took in, the dogs at the park that scared the bejeesus out of me, the puppy pack that hounds our streets, the german shepherd that almost attacked Penelope and I. And don't forget the baby raccoon I befriended and named Raul.

I hate TheHitlerCat. He (I assume he's a he) is always in our yard taunting the dogs or giving me evil looks. Seriously, he'll look at me through the window, unblinking, unwavering for full minutes. He's a creepy cat, there's just no other way to go about it.

So, poor HitlerCat is bleeding from his head/ear. It almost looks like the side of his head has been cut. I'm running late for the movie, it's late out, I frantically look to see if The Cat Lady is outside of her house, cause I know she was just 5 mins. previous while I was walking Penelope. She isn't. I falter for a minute or two, whispering, "go home, HitlerCat, go home."

He stares at me just a few moments longer, turns, and heads towards home. I know Cat Lady's home so I breathe a sigh of relief that I'm not going to have yet another late night animal encounter/rescue, and head on towards my movie.

So, HitlerCat, I hope you're alright, I don't know where you could've gotten a cut like that and I've seen you chilling with your homeboy raccoons before, so I don't think they'd suddenly turn on you. It was a lot of blood, so I'm still a little worried. But I'll keep my eye out for you in the next couple of days to make sure you're still around. Without you to bother me, the neighborhood will seem so empty.

This is just how it goes

Sometimes it feels like everyone is dying. Everyone is in mourning and everyone is in the hospital just waiting and waiting. I feel like my parents are older than everyone else's parents because everyone they know is sick and dying.

We spent almost all of last week in the hospital (visiting) and it's exhausting. And this week seems to be another long week filled with a grief that isn't even my own. At least once a month, usually twice, it's been funeral after funeral.

I feel like it was only just summer and everything felt perfect. The weather was beautiful and I only spent time loving and laughing and being more me and less this congestion. Even my blog illustrates this.

If I had to pick a time that marked the beginning of my current slump it was definitely after we got back from Hawaii. It was nothing but relaxing, vacation, us time. Getting back I remember a severe case of the vacation blues followed by 2 or 3 weeks of dog troubles, followed by hospital, followed by family crisis.

Basically, I'm ready for the good times. I'm ready to be happy. I'm ready and waiting for this to end.

Hear Me

All I can remember is this:

Having distinct, whole, formed sentances thoughts, and as much as I struggled little to no words would come out. Everyone around me struggled to understand.

And I was suddenly frustrated, not only at my inability to communicate what I needed, but the realization that I physically could not. I was trapped in a body that didn't work the way I expected it to. I heard the hush around me as everyone came to terms with the fact that I was "handicapped."

"No, I'm not retarded or anything. I have thoughts, I'm thinking, I have real sensible thoughts!" But all that came out were simple words.

Till I Drop

oh boy....

Dear world,

I have a problem. I am addicted to shopping. If I could make a list of the things I've purchased, you'd all be ashamed.

I don't want to have this problem!!! It just makes me feel so.... goood.... (sobs sobs sobs).

hahhaha. It's not the actual shopping that's so bad, because I surprisingly keep it in check. It's the feeling when I do shop.

And you know what?! Ebay TOTALLY exploits these feelings! Not only am I shopping, but I'm WINNING!!!!! I get obsessed! With thoughts like "well it's just unfair if they win 2 dollars over my budget, so... I'll increase my bid by 5." and the next thing you know I'm thinking "well, 10 dollars is like nothing. I'll increase it by 10." And then it's more like "well what can I REALLY afford? More than this. AND it's still less than store value..." Until suddenly I've won something for more money than I wanted to spend in the first place.

I can't get no satisfaction...

Deep, Deep, Deep

The sky is beautiful at home tonight.

It's like I look up and I can feel the pressure on my chest from the infinite depth. It's just deep, deep, deep. It's looking back in time a million years and you can feel it.

A million stars.

Endless and breathtaking every time.

On risk of sounding like a total lame-o and being my normal sydney over eager self I'm going to geek out in an abnormal way to geek out. AKA, I'm just going to be excited.

YYAAYY! Danielle is back!!!

That is all.

Today (the 8th) is officially mine and adam's 6 year anniversary. Le wow.

Dear world,

Take a big breath because I think it's time to jump.

Life is on the horizon and maybe I'll start living it.

Just maybe. Just maybe.

The Orchestra

I don't want to be this person that's always so down and out on myself. I don't want to be exactly everything I am right now. And sometimes I see what has to be done to fix it... and I just don't know how. and sometimes I know how but I don't know how to try. And sometimes I don't know if I'm trying too hard or if I'm continually giving up.

I'm at this strange spot in my life where nothing is happening and I want something to happen and I just don't know what. I've been waiting for this stroke of inspiration or to be hit by some magical faith in myself or to stumble onto something that just made sense. I've been not so patiently waiting for the peices to simply fall into place.

There's a part of me that says that nothing ever just "falls" into place, and that I can't WAIT for things to happen, I have to aggressively make it happen. I can't be passive about success, I need to stand up and grab at it.

But everytime I thought I had done that, when I saw that I was unhappy and aggressively worked for somethign better to make me happier, it hasn't worked out. I seemingly pick these things to do because i can't be doing nothing and I have to make it happen myself, with my own two hands. I force myself along and along and along, and suddenly I realize that I never wanted it to begin with, I just felt the need to have SOMETHING, ANYTHING.

So, I thought I would try something different this time. I wouldn't force myself to swallow anymore. I wouldn't be overtaken by the need to go, go, go, go. I would wait until I found something that I actually, truly, sincerely wanted so I could go for it, get there and be happy. I was waiting for something to make me want it.

And now I don't know. It hasn't come and maybe it never will. Maybe it won't make sense.

It's hard for me right now not to be really down and out on myself. I don't like to admit that I'm such a self-pitying kind of person, but I am. Or at least, I can be. Right now, I just don't know how to believe in myself. I just can't.

In case you were wondering...

The following are currently official:

• I am in the midst of a momentary black hole life crisis. These usually pass in a day or two's time.
• I am a complete and total internet stalker. Go ahead and ask me what I know you want to know but don't want to ask. I know. People should pay me for the information I can dig up.
• I also just received my Lubitel 2. My new medium format TLR that it one half vintage perfect condition wonder and one half gift from god. I haven't played with it TOO much because I've only had it 2 days. Here are some pictures of me and my new favorite toy.

PS I made an entry or two via cellphone email while in Hawaii, none went through apparently.

It's just been that kind of day

Penelope was sick all last night. I barely slept. I was cleaning up vomit all throughout the night. The poor thing looked so pathetic.

The vet, relatively unimpressed with her symptoms that confounded me (her face and eye were horribly swollen, then the vomiting, diarrhea, she peed in house which she hasn't done in over a month, and she was generally lethargic). He took her temp, barely looked at her, declared her fine. Fucking asshole. If she dies I'll blame him.

Spent all today babysitting (working on a saturday?). Slept most of the day much to emily and adam's chagrin.

It's nice to see the sky without hmb fog.
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