Complaints

Today my little sister asked me a question that suddenly made me put my life into a new life. I'm the kind of person that doesn't always understand myself or the things I do or my life in general until I'm asked to explain it. That's part of the reason I blog. But either way, my little sister asked me if in high school if there was a certain college I was looking forward to. And in my usual rather forward and blunt fashion I decided to tell the truth. And for the first time I put it into words. I told her:

About half way through high school I gave up on myself. I stopped believing I could do anything and I stopped wanting good things for myself. I gave up on school and so I did really badly. So when graduation time came around, I couldn't even believe I could get into any college. I didn't even want to try. So I went to community college.

Not to say community college was all that bad, or that's why everyone goes there. It did me good for the 2 or 3 years I went. But for the first time I actually looked it in the face. I have the tendacy to just give up on myself. It comes down to it and I can't believe in myself.

And what an ugly, horrible quality. What a pathetic, sniveling quality.

Take dance for instance: I danced almost my entire life. Since I was 4 years old because my mom thought I would love to be a ballerina because I walked on my tip toes all the time. And almost every day I danced I loved it. I wasn't any good, that much is inevitable. I was a goose in a class of swans. I was in this prolonged ugly stage as a brace-faced super dark brown girl in a room of perfect nosed, piano playing, and bone-thin girls. But that shouldn't have mattered. Because I wasn't there to be a star, I wasn't there to go to dance college or be the lead in the recital. I was there because I loved it. But I got so tired of being the one that stood out and being told I was only a copper or a bronze or getting the sympathy silver. We literally had exams every year and we were GRADED. I cried everytime I got my grade back because I put so much of my heart into it. So I walked away. I can't even remember what I told myself to justify quitting, I just remember feeling heart broken, like I let myself down. In the face of adversity instead of shining, I gave up on myself.


How does one start believing again? How?