Infestation

I have a pretty large bug bite on the bottom of my foot.

it's surprising and sickening. Feels like walking on a marble. yuuuck.

Impossible

I saw a boy from across the courtyard walk up the stairs and he looked just like you.

For a moment my heart jumped, unpersuaded by logic, thinking it was you.

Even when it wasn't I smiled a secret smile to think of you.

To think that after 4 and a half years you still do this to me. Figure my surprise when I realized, these 4 years later, that I could still have room in my heart for my love to grow every day.

Histories

I want to say something. Something quick but rather too much.

You want to say that I won't understand where you're coming from. And how angry you were. But did you stop your anger for a moment to understand? Understand what I was going through?

I feel like I'm still dealing with this. Still paying for mistakes I made so many years ago. What was I? 16? 15? No older than that. I was stupid and young. And I thought we all make mistakes like that. Maybe it isn't just you punishing me for this. But I have been all along.

When I was 15 or 16 I tried to kill myself. I was a fucking kid for crying out loud. It was a cry for help. It meant something along the lines of "boo hoo hoo look at me. I'm drowning. Please help." But I was a kid. I didn't know better. I really don't think I did. And I'm not saying it was ok or it was a good idea. Or even that I didn't mean it. But it was a long long time ago. I'm a different person now. I am a completely different person now.

But you bring it up like it was last week. Like "hey, I'm angry that you left the lights on. Oh, and that you considered suicide at 15." It isn't fair.

And it isn't fair that you think everything is so black and white and easy. You have to make these distinctions between a clear right and wrong for you to get through your day, I understand that. But there are so many rights and wrongs and greys inbetween.

Depression is something that is apart of me. It's something I think about and feel every day. Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner. When I'm happy and I still wish I could die I think to myself, "If I'm rational now and I still want this what does that mean?" When I'm not happy... When I'm not happy, I think, "Will I ever be?"

Every day I fight it. Every day I'd rather stay in bed. Every day giving up seems so much easier than fighting it. But I do.

Do you understand how far depression can be? So quickly, like nothing. It's like a curtain falls and you can't see where you are anymore. Sometimes there are distinct reasons and other times there aren't. Do you understand how much it hurts?

I don't mean to say "boo hoo, look at me, I'm drowning." Because I don't need any help. I'm not the same child I was before. But it is real. It is a problem. It is something inside of me that has become such a probelm that I don't even see it as a problem anymore. It's just me.

I don't mope very often. I never stay more than an afternoon in bed. I rarely even talk about it. I'm functional. And I don't want you to pity me. That's not what I want. Because I'm strong, whether you see it or not. I want you to listen. I want you to know.

That it isn't as simple as you make it seem. It isn't exactly what you call it.

There's so much stigma and baggage that goes with the word depression. I am so ashamed and guilty of feeling the way I do, day in and day out. Because everyone says it's not ok. And that it's weak. And dramatic. Pick your words easily, because they apply.

I want to forgive myself. But it isn't easy. I don't need you to forgive me. You just need to know who I am.

I am probably manic depressive. I have anxiety attacks a couple of times a week. I have some pretty extreme paranoia. I keep my head above water of my own swimming strength. I am normal. I am sane. I am strong and logical and generally, I am ok.

And for now, you're going to need to accept that.

Montauk

Its the middle of the night. I have no pen, no computer. Only my phone that's dying and a mind racing.

Lately I've wanted so badly to write a million things but havn't had the chance. Perhaps because I've been going crazy.

We had a sweet day. It felt anticlimatic. Its dark and he's sick again. I'm helpless. We watched eternal sunshine. I forgot its significance.

Until I heard the work "Montauk." I learned its context tonight. I rememeber that you said it to me. "Meet me in montauk."

It could have meant that you loved me. It could have meant you thought I was THE one.

It could have meant you were sick of me. That you wanted to forget me more than you cared for me.

Fantasies and memories. Dust and smoke. The feelings aren't inside me anymore. But a cloying sense of some unidentifiable wistfulness.

I'm confused about the difference between the truth and what I want to be the truth. I don't know what I'm clinging to and what's clinging to me. Lately my life has been repeated insanities. I have confused reality with my own anxiety. I feel so desperately far from anything concrete.

Am I floundering?

His body is curled into mine with our learned and sincere intimacy. My life is distant from my inner life. I have splut personalities. I am not sure which is authentic.

I have a word stuck in my head like a song. Manichean.

I've been thinking a lot recently about education and enlightenment and life. I have nothing sorted out.

I know this manichean structure:
Binaries:
You/him
Dream/reality
Instability/stability
Passion/reason
Longing/satisfaction
Rejection/acceptance
Unhappiness/happiness.

"Everything is connected downwards. And diagonally.

I'll never get there. I'll never get to montauk.

How will I put this lightly?

I'm angry at you. And have been for what must be a decade. But I love you. And I've loved you for the entirirty of my life.

I resent you now. but I will not later.

And for the the life of me I cannot distance myself from you for even a day. Even a day.

But I doubt you ever miss me. And you probably only think of me in some overarching coddling checking in sort of way. And I think that's ok, now. But it might not be later.

As of recent I've learned of jealousy with you. being jealous of someone else having you. I understand it and console myself that they are passing trends. But I will be here for the duration.

We'll always be best friends and you'll always be my sister. And sometimes I'm afraid you'll also always be the one with the ability to hurt me.

I have a relatively amusing story to tell about cupcakes.



But not the time for details now. While I still can let me upload the pictures. I'll edit this later for a more amusing entry.

An Inventory

Gifts:

1. Jacket from AE (needs to be returned for bigger size)
2. Nintendo DS + game
3. Uno
4. 2 TMX's (oops)
5. Purple Dress from Anthro
6. Hand Mixer in pink
7. 3 gift cards (anthro, old navy, and starbucks)
8. 1 Shirt I'll never ever wear. not even to sleep.
9. and some miscellaneous bath soaps from various aunts and grandmas.

General Mood:

• No christmas spirit all throughout decemeber
• started to feel it a little on the 24th.
• got excited for like, half a second when giving out my presents.
• really irritated with just about everyone
• kind of blaaahhhh

Things to do:

• returns
• shopping
• work

All that needs to be said

Sometimes I'm afraid I'll never be happy.

Thanksgiving

Happy thanksgiving...

Need to do:

Get dressed
do hair
go to a. irma's party

Things already done:
woke up
slept in
fought with adam
taken an incredibly long shower


Still feel relatively sluggish and lethargic.

Mood: dismal and mean

The Thing with Feathers

It's pretty late and I should be working on my midterm that's due tomorrow. And i'm so sleepy that i'mhaving slight chest pains.

But instead of focusing, like usual, i've found somethign better to occupy me. (please dont' mind the typos. i'm pretty tired)

I've just finished reading this news article on an old man who, in his garage, has formulated what could potentially be the cure for cancer. He's had cancer and in the cancer ward he saw how chemo had hurt so many other things with int he body (excuse teh strange turn of phrases and word order. again, i'm really tired). So anyways, he wanted to figure out a way to attack ONLY the cancer cells. and not the part of the body. And he had no science or medical background but since he was a kid he had been building radios.

And whith heart and attempts, he's some how made these amazing discoveries in water. And they say his "cancer killer" could begin clinical trials in two or three years. And in test subjects it's killed 100% of the cancer without harming the animals. Which is amazing. and strange.

And it makes me so... hopeful. and excited. and in a strange way... fulfilled. Like I can believe in something again.

And, to be fair, I've never really known anyone with cancer. I have no first hand experience on how it can change and/or destroy lives and families and happiness. ANd I can't even beign to imagine the magnitude of it. But at the same time, I do. I understand the magnitude of it.

And to think, that a simple old man and some radios, can change that. Can change something. It's refreshing. and hopeful. ANd even if this doesn't work... It could be a big step to somethign that WILL.

And it's like suddenly the whole world can be better. Better.

ANd knowing that the whole world can change... THat makes me so... Happy. Hopeful.

Piece of Me

My birthday was good.
Halloween was low key... but I *did* get to sleep for 12 hours. which was like a slive of straight heaven.

Santa cruz is... alright. Ups and downs here and there. But generally tolerable. School is going ok, i think. Emphasis on think. 1 essay being returned tomorrow. and 2 midterms due next week. and so we'll know then whether school is going ok. or failingly bad.

My sky light room with all the sun is going... tolerable as well. Leaks around the house.

Never realized how bad my paranoia can be until I lived with other people and had no real comfort at hand. Silly things scare me, like small earthquakes, and the electricity going out for a second, and getting water in the middle of the night. I think at home, I find comfort or safety in being with my family. And Adam especially here. And in a house of strangers numbers count for nothing.

For me, being social and around other people, is a chore. It's a concerted effort. It gets tiring. And in normal old life, I had time to be alone and rest and not have to think about whether or not i'd talk, or smile, or have something to say. I'm just so socially awkward that I needed more "me" time than "everyone" time because it's so difficult for me. I mean, it isn't AWFUL. or like i'm losing sanity. But, it is something that affects me everyday I'm here and I can easily see wearing on me as time goes by.

A lot of readings to do. A lot of learning. I can honestly say that I've really learned a lot about various governmental and political institutions and policies in the first half of this quarter. I've also learned a lot about myself. And i've learned to question myself on a lot more subjects.

What is it that I would like in a president? From a government? What can I really do to fight for it? What are my beliefs and which am I willing to compromise on and which are worth pushing for? Is compromising selling out? Is total victory the only victory? What baby steps aren't backing down? What are my views on international relationships? I've always been the person to want to fully educate myself on a subject before really speaking out on it... And as of right now, i realize how uneducated I truly am. And how so many other people, who are spitting their opinions so vehemently, are even more uneducated than I. And that doesn't just go for people who I disagree with. Because so many people fight points that I agree with, but for unknown reasons or without any sort of research. And I disagree with that too.

Overall, there's just so much more to learn. and I feel so behind. But I'm so glad I'm on the right track.

other hands... Got the new Britney CD. And that poor girl makes me so sad. Because she's so... lost. and insane. and She's my best friend and I just want her to get better. And she has no real fan base anymore. and she's completely insane. and completely exploited for her insanity. Any other normal person gets to go through times of craziness alone. And she has nine quadrillion people laughing and pointing and calling her out on it. In teh famous words of my equally crazy friend, Chris Crocker, LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE. Her CD isn't bad, I don't think. And I've read the reviews saying that she's incredibly vauge and her voice thin and it's incredibly overproduced. But, what did everyone expect? This is Britney Spears, not charlotte church. Britney Spears became popular because she was some sort of fantasy ideal. She was moldable and young. SHe could be pulled and stretched to be whatever everyone wanted out of a star. The only real trouble came when she started wanting to be an actual person. And so her new CD is the same sort of manipulation and farce that exudes sex, dance, and "ownership" of ones sexuality. (more on that term at a future date). She's everything the media has forced her to be. and Ithink i'm rambling more often than usual. So that's that.