The Cowboy Times

Cowboy costume almost complete!!!!

I should make and wear and do costume WAY more often.

Some more that I'm dying to put together:

• Sailor
• 70's disco queen

OK wait, that's a short list... But these are ones I quite sincerely want.  Costume themes that I'd love to actually integrate into everyday life!

About Me

I've lately been thinking about: If I had to describe myself quite sincerely, without irony or embaressment myself in several qualities, what would I say? Almost, a MySpace about me without the networking, whorey pictures, and minus TheSpace. If I had to simplify myself in, to pick an arbitrary number, 5 qualities, what would be most important? here's what I've come up with so far.

• I am Brown. Yes, this is at the top of the list. And to be completely honest I rarely even consider myself first asian or first filipino. First, I am brown. I haven't decided if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Growing up in a place that's predominantly caucasian, I don't hesitate to say that being so brown was... different. There were times that I would have given almost anything to be able to have pretty light hair or be able to consider myself "fair" skinned but I've grown up since then. I've had no choice but to learn to embrace and love the fact that I'm brown. I can't vouch for whether or not my color made my life any easier or harder but I can say it has defined in some way.
• I am a very habitual person. That is to say, once I've developed a habit it's a thousand times hard for me to break it and if something is outside of my norm it's hard for me to incorporate it as a new habit. This is one of the reasons I don't let myself dabble in drinking or drugs: once I'm there I'd let myself fall into it full force. Being habitual is a very fine line between beign a person prone to obsessions or addictions. This also applies to my relationships: I'm either all in or all out. When i have to quit a friend or a habit, it's like detox. I feel the entire spectrum of emotions swining from one to the other in seconds and barely scraping by, I have to drag myself out of it inch by inch, almost not escaping death.
• I was an English major. When it came to thinking about school, even though I graduated as a legal studies major, I'm much more like an english major in every sense of it. My first memories of being angry was anger at the fact that I couldn't read yet when I was 4. It isn't abnormal or surprising for me to stay up all night for weeks at a time if I'm interested in a series of books enough. I practically define myself by the books I read: classics because I can't come to grips with the everyday life of modern literature, magical realism because I'm such a dreamer that reality couldn't ever be enough, and love stories because I could never fall out of love with love.
• I'm from a pretty big family. And I feel like no one could ever truly know me until they know my family, if even only to see how we're all exactly the same (and all exactly opposites). My parents have been together for 32( 31? 33?) years and they've had kids like this: Sonny, (18 mos.) Grace, (2 yrs), Santiago, (6 yrs) Me, and then (12 yrs.) Emily. And to tell a little about all of them in just a couple of words. My mom was from the dirtiest, poorest part of some city or other in the philippines (so i've been told) and she's half crazy, half hilarious, and half super bad ass. I think we're too alike and it puts us at odds. All of our flaws are the same so we haven't yet managed to find a way to be close. My dad's family was so rich in the philippines that they owned a zoo and when his dad died he was willed PLANTATIONS. Both my parents come from pretty turbulent (and interesting) family backgrounds which I may get into at a future date. Both were in a gang as teenagers, had kids early, and are now super paranoid about pretty much anything that can harm. My brother Sonny is currently.... thirty.... something... 31? He's got 4 kids ranging in age from 14 to 4. He looks like a teddy bear, is a total goof ball to everyone but me and so far has proved hard to actually know. My sister Grace is the family member I'm closest to. Even though we're 8 years apart I like to think that a majority of our lives we've been best friends. She can be a little aggressive, a little obstinate, and occassionally a little scary, but she always means well. She's also the biggest scaredy cat in the world and owner of co-fraidy cat, Tsunami. Then there's my brother Santi, he's 2... 20.... 28? And he has a baby named Zoey who I babysat for a little while. We're currently in a fight in a big sort of way and I'll sum it up in saying that he's a really volatile kind of guy. He thinks he can make his own rules no matter what that implies: sometimes good and sometimes bad. And then there's my little sister, only 10. I'm babysitting her and trying to teach her how to be a kid. She's mostly really nervous, pretty lazy, way paranoid (direct from the parentals), but all around a good kid. I could get into my family for PAGES but I'll stop myself here, even though I've rambled for quite some time. I hate my family, sometimes I like my family, but there's no ifs, ands, or buts about it, They're one of the biggest parts of me.
• And for the long awaited number 5!!! What else is there to me? I guess I might as well admit I'm just a hardcore romantic. I love Love and I spend at least a little bit of time every day contemplating the meanings, boundaries, and stretches of love. I've come up with mor elove analogies and metaphors than anyone cares to know, I suck up love stories via book, tv, movies, and friends' lives like it were water. There's nothing I'm more excited to talk about than someone's recent fall into love, out of love, problems with love, or exaltations. I've got a pretty stable love life myself (5 years and going strong to number 6 in a couple of months) so when I say that I love love, I really mean it. I don't love flings or affairs or people cheating twenty million times. I don't care for half assed definitions of love. We're all allowed different takes or even mistakes but fake love is one thing and actual love is another. I opt for the second.

And so, that's me. For those of you that know me, was I right? Was I wrong? Do I have a really slanted perception of myself?

And what about you? I think everyone should do it. So world, What are 5 things that truly define you?

Sunday Funday

Here's what feels like the fact of the matter:

In order to get my life together I need a job. And in order to get a job I really need to get my life together.

If the world were perfect and it were easy to follow what we want to do and there were no such thing as a need for money then maybe all of this would be easier to figure out.

I don't know what I want to do with my life. I have barely a clue. I know what I DON'T want to do, which I guess is a start. I just have to sort out what exactly is the path to the end.

I have to stop feeling so down and out about myself because it's kind of gross and it really doesn't help anything. We're all allowed to feel a little lost sometimes just not all the time.

I'm a work in progress, and really, I'm trying. It's a long and sometimes ugly road. It's the journey that's important. And at least I'm sure of a couple of things:

I going to do it. And I deserve it.

Complaints

Today my little sister asked me a question that suddenly made me put my life into a new life. I'm the kind of person that doesn't always understand myself or the things I do or my life in general until I'm asked to explain it. That's part of the reason I blog. But either way, my little sister asked me if in high school if there was a certain college I was looking forward to. And in my usual rather forward and blunt fashion I decided to tell the truth. And for the first time I put it into words. I told her:

About half way through high school I gave up on myself. I stopped believing I could do anything and I stopped wanting good things for myself. I gave up on school and so I did really badly. So when graduation time came around, I couldn't even believe I could get into any college. I didn't even want to try. So I went to community college.

Not to say community college was all that bad, or that's why everyone goes there. It did me good for the 2 or 3 years I went. But for the first time I actually looked it in the face. I have the tendacy to just give up on myself. It comes down to it and I can't believe in myself.

And what an ugly, horrible quality. What a pathetic, sniveling quality.

Take dance for instance: I danced almost my entire life. Since I was 4 years old because my mom thought I would love to be a ballerina because I walked on my tip toes all the time. And almost every day I danced I loved it. I wasn't any good, that much is inevitable. I was a goose in a class of swans. I was in this prolonged ugly stage as a brace-faced super dark brown girl in a room of perfect nosed, piano playing, and bone-thin girls. But that shouldn't have mattered. Because I wasn't there to be a star, I wasn't there to go to dance college or be the lead in the recital. I was there because I loved it. But I got so tired of being the one that stood out and being told I was only a copper or a bronze or getting the sympathy silver. We literally had exams every year and we were GRADED. I cried everytime I got my grade back because I put so much of my heart into it. So I walked away. I can't even remember what I told myself to justify quitting, I just remember feeling heart broken, like I let myself down. In the face of adversity instead of shining, I gave up on myself.


How does one start believing again? How?

New laptop!!

GPOYW: Monday, bored, and playing with my webcam edition.

See, I can be like all the other internet girls. Aren't I just as cute?

Real life rambles: Hip-Hop class tonight!!! Also attempting to try ballet and contemporary classes. Just started Tango Argentino with Adam.

Yippie kai yay

I'm going cowgirl a la Zooey Deschanel via The Go Getter.

The movie felt like it really started during the second half. If you only count that part, it was a good sweet movie. Interesting, but not trying too hard to be so. If you count the beginning too then it was only mediocre. Left me wondering what the hellw as going on more often than not. But we all know I secretly have an indie crush on zooey deschanel. It was all after the horrible remake of the Wizard of Oz, Tin Man. Anyone who plays dorothy gets insta-points from me.

Anyone who dresses like a cowboy/cowgirl gets even more. Especially when they pull it off so cute as she does.

(I still can't WAIT to see 500 days of summer)

UPDATE APPROXIMATELY 10 MINS LATER:

P.S. Zooey deschanel, I was browsing internet pictures of you and apparently you were blonde at one point. Don't do that. ever. again. seriously. Not only do you look horrendous but you lose SERIOUS points for it. SERIOUSLY.

Is Insanity Inherited? It feels like it sometimes...

There are days....

There are days that I am grateful my family is so wonderful and wholesome and absolutely normal.

Then there are other days...

Now, don't get me wrong, they're cool and all I guess.

But it's currently 9:45 in the evening and what do I get?!!? A TEXT MESSAGE FROM MY MOM.

Oh, now, a text message, that's pretty normal. My family texts and emails more than we talk, so ok, I can handle that.

If you ever wonder where I get my crazy from it's definitely from my family. And to many of you I have tried to explain my kooky, complicated, large, and oftentimes infuriating family. But I think this might top the cake.

MY MOM MASS TEXT-ED MY ENTIRE FAMILY HER LIVING WILL.

double you tee eff.

seriously?

SERIOUSLY.

Five flavors of crazy, 18 crazy points, 16 tiers on the crazy cake.

And what brought this upon us? Michael Jackson's death.

Who does that?1 Who does crazy stupid looney things like that!?!? MY MOM! THAT'S WHO!

I immediately went to her room (yes, i'm like 20 ft. away, just in the other room) to tell her that she's crazy and crazy and the only word I can think of is crazy. I then remind her that I request life insurance about a month ago, so maybe now that she's afraid she'll die we can consider my death. She agrees, says that everyone should have life insurance.

My 10 yr. old little sister wraps up the conversation with, "Do I have life insurance?"

I feel like right now I need something to ground me. Something to hold me down.

Because right now I'm spinning. I'm falling out of control. I'm floating and I just want to feel like I'm really here again.

Espresso Black

I haven't been blogging as of late due to computer unreliability and internet fuckassedness. BUT!

Get this... I'm excited... Are you READY?!??!

I'M GETTING A NEW LAPTOP! HURRAH! HUZZAH! HOORAY! WOO HOO! YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!

I've wanted a new laptop probably since I got my last one... Which was what.... 4 years ago? Possibly 5? No, It must have been 4.... Anyways, I had a Sony VAIO something or other or other as a.... birthday? gift from my parents. My dad knows people at Sony so he got a refurbished something or other for relatively cheap. I know absolutely nothing about my old laptop, come to think of it. What the memory or RAM was.... Either way, It was good for awhile, great for a time, and then it died.

I can blame lindsay lohan all I want for my laptop's death but the truth of the matter is that it was just meant to be. It was an old thing that I trekked with me to the far reaches of CSM, LA and every single day to Santa Cruz. For a while it was my main computer (especially after the death of my desktop) but again, it is dead. Well not COMPLETELY dead.It turns on and you can use it for sometimes even an hour until the blue screen of death and even then it has to be plugged in cause the battery will die otherwise and I'm too damn cheap to buy a battery for a laptop that barely works anyways!

Anyways, I digress, I'm rambling and I need to hurry up and finish so I can get ready for the day.

I GOT A NEW LAPTOP! I got it for a really good price with everythign I wanted, 4gb RAM, 320 harddrive, intel centrino core duo whateverwhatsits. And it's cute. There were a lot of customizable options given that it's an hP but when I compared how much I needed or wanted them to the price I mostly just opted out of them (other than the higher than standard RAM). I got fancy employee discount on it, so I'm even happier. I also feel the need to brag about how ridiculously cheap it was compared to a macbook. So hah, take that.

Cause let's be honest, I want to say at least half, if not more, mac owners don't really NEED a mac. They get them because they're trendy and cool and they look absolutely beautiful. While my laptop isn't absolutely beautiful, it's definately cute and I REALLY don't need anything a mac has to offer for the price. So yay, entertainment/consumer geared laptop for half the price for me.

ALSO! It was so cheap it gives me a little leftover of my graduation money to take dance classes! so I'll update about that EVENTUALLY.

Here are some important things to note:
1) I've had little to no computer access lately which is the reason for my lack of updates. I'm considering buying a new laptop with my grad money but I'm afraid I'll regret spending it all on one thing.

2) My dog is an asshole because she won't take no for an answer. When I'm mad at her I call her my dog otherwise she is my puppy. We're having trouble potty training and biting. She's a wild filly and I haven't decided if I want to break her spirit.

3) I really need to start being more aggressive and proactive about working towards a better life for myself because I pretty much gave up on that like 2 months ago after the sterling and clack interviews. Obviously someone broke my spirit.

4) My graduation dress was a hit. It's been my only success as of late so I'll bathe in it. I had the cutest dress and the oh so cutest shoes. Let's play dress up!