"Let's Just Say it was a Memorable Impression"

A date?!?! what am i? absolutely crazy???

I thought i was supposed to be love hermitting. I thought things were supposed to stay casual. I mean, sure i've been entertaining ideas of casually seeing some people here and there. And sure, i complain all the time about being lonely and desperately horny... But a date?!

and don't tell me that one single date is nothing in terms of committment. that's a lot.

I've committed to interact with a boy for over an hour. me? pleasent for over an hour? What am i supposed to talk about with a person I don't know? no social lubricant.

dry interaction. with a stranger. in a very awkward situation.

And here i was contemplating my social inadequecies. and i've set myself up for a date. daaattteeeee.

What do I think is going to happen? oh god. what's going to happen?

I mean, we'll talk. maybe we'll snack. i'm hoping to god he doesn't expect to eat. you've all seen me eat. i'm messy. i can't be messy in front of a stranger in which i'm casually pleasently interacting with for over an hour.

And what if it goes well? what if i like him and he likes me? How does dating even go in our quasi adult world?! do i call him? wait for him to call me?

what if we like each other so much we go on a second date. and what if a third? do i have sex with him then? no... we have sex when we're ready.

I'm not even ready to trust someone enough to date and i'mthinking about being ready to fuck?

Adam's coming home in like six days. then what happens? I doubt times one million that we'll get back together but it'll be such an emotional mess. And i'm supposed to rope someone else into this? Isn't it bad enough that I've dragged other boys into it? god.

I'm so dumb. sssoooooo dumb.

ANd i'm so "jaded" and distrustful and angry that i barely believe we'll go out tomorrow. He'll call me and cancel. or he won't call and then we just won't go out. I have issues right now. As is obvious. I can't date someone now. I'm insane. people don't want to date insane people. and insane people shouldn't willingly date.

I need time. I need time to get over my issues, not be insane, and be ready. But who has that sort of time? I don't. I have the remnants of a night and the starts of a morning.

Date. God, who do i think i am?