The Conflict

I"m considering going home. forever going I mean. I don't know what to think.

And i've heard the general feeling of how you start off owning things until eventually the things own you. I think i've come to that point. because one of the big things concerning me is what i'll do with my beautiful red couch. I mean... the stools and desk and coffee table and tv stand too. but mostly the couch. and i could just bring my bed home with me. use it and such. but i don't know about my beautiful red couch. which makes me sad.

well that and giving up my hopes and dreams, throwing in the towew, calling it quits. that sort of thing. and taking longer to finish school than originally planned.

which totally sucks.

but i don't know. i just don't know if this is really what i want to do. english i mean. I'ev come to the realization that i actually hate reading my homework. that i hate english literature. and i hate american literature.

the only thing, at this point, that i ENJOY reading is latin american and spanish poems and novels that've been translated. which is actually not help me at all in regards to careers or classes or being relatively happy in my life.

and so here's my arguement. I think i could do better in school at home. i feel like i'm wasting money by half assing classes here. I mean, as it is i spend a third of the week depressed. a third of the week at home and the rest i'm "ok." and i'm not happy. i'm just ok. and i get so depressed i can't get out of bed. i don't want to go to class. i don't want to do my homework. and i don't want to take care o fmyself. which is childish. but i let it happen. i don't go grocery shopping. i don't feed myself. i miss whole days of classes and keep it secret. what am i REALLY achieving? and i know i should give it more time or whatever but it's really now or never. because i'm supposed to register for my classes next quarter. and if i register and stay here longer than my dad will buy me a house here. and then i'll be stuck here until im done. wow. it's heavy.

and maybe if i go home i won't do any better about slacking off inmy classes but won't i at least be happier?

or what if i go home and think i'll be happier but in fact i'll be just as bad off if not worse.

i have to remember that i hated my job. and i hated how overbearing my family is. and so yes, being here is escaping me from that. i hated working at the office everyday. i hated it. and i hate family weekends. and then i'll have to deal with the dissapointment and feelings of failure. that i let myself down. because i can't even begin to describe what high standards i hold to myself. and because i'll be so insecure then i'll feel as if everyone else is looking down on me.

what then?

but then there's good stuff. i can go back to CSM and takedifferent classes. and maybe i'll find somethign that makes me happier. or maybe i'll just take better classes and try to get into a better school. and that'll be a lot better for me. or i think.

but i just don't know.

i want to move back home. but i don't know if in the end i'm just shafting myself. what if i allow myself to go back to community college and i just never leave? what if i get sucked into "the hole?"

But i'm SO unhappy can i really do nohting about it?

and if i were to move to the home-ish area maybe eventually i could move out with some friends. and take my red couch.

anyone have any advice? anyone willing to tell me what to do?