Pieces

To begin this entry I should begin with the explanation that I'm a little bit on the pessimistic side, if you haven't noticed. A bit of a downer. It happens. It's pretty much naturally my personality no matter how hard I try to fight it.

But sometimes I admit that there are bits of that part of me that affect my life in a good way. Here is one of them:

I put a lot of importance in the people I know. Even people I very casually know. If they are apart of my life, in any small positive way, I'm so grateful for it because I feel like there is so much not good out there.

On top of being slightly pessimistic I am also incredibly sentimental. This makes for an interesting combination. I think bad things but I'm very emotional towards the good.

So often times, I can meet a person even just once, and I have this overwhelming desire to stop, look them in the eye, and say, "Thank you for being here in my life. From the bottom of my heart. And we may never see each other again, but for a brief moment I loved you in my life and I hope you have a wonderful rest of yours." This is quite dramatic, I realize and have never actually done it. But those exact words stream through my mind like I really should say them.

On a bad day someone will give me the right of way and let me cross the street, and it makes my heart bleed with sentimentality. A lady lets me cut in front of her in line at a supermarket because I only have one item. Generally considerate people sometimes really affect me.

And even casual but more usual encounters. For instance, where we've lived we've never had good neighbors. We've had neighbors who hated us, or ones that gave us the cold shoulder. I can honestly say that I've never lived anywhere that REALLY felt like a small community I was apart of. But my family used to have a house in Hawaii. And the neighbors there were absolutely wonderful. All the kids played out in teh cul-de-sac at a certain time, we were invited to dinners and barbeques. And even when I wasn't there, they were SO nice to my sister (checking in with her if the power went out cause she lived alone, or inviting her to dinner so she wasn't lonely, or asking if she wanted to come to their kids school events so she could have a quasi-family) I felt like they were just wonderful, welcome, friendly, open-hearted people. And when we sold the house, even though *I* never interacted with them THAT much, they were such sweet good people that in my head I felt not only sorrow in saying goodbye but that urge came up once again. "I'm sorry we have to say goodbye, but I am so grateful for the moments you were apart of my life, you made it better and I hope you have a great rest of your life."

Now to finally get to the point of this entire entry:

My family has been frequenting a thai restaurant in Half Moon Bay for quite awhile. Quite a loooonnng while. (My only peice of community I've belonged to, practically). I guess my earliest memories of us eating there are when I was around 8 or 9. They had all these crazy thai statues and figurines and wall decorations and because the restaurant was usually pretty empty I could wander around looking at all of them. And if you didn't know, my parents are very gregarious people. My dad, with his natural salesman personality, can make friends and talk business with just about anyone. Given that there isn't exactly a large asian community in half moon bay, they became quick acquaintances. Especially when later added filipino (and even thai) titles of respect and/or affection. Something like grandpa or uncle, I guess. So even while I grew up and the restaurant changed locations, it was something I was just around often. We'd go in and I'd put his hand to my forehead as a sign of respect and daze off in my own kid-like way.

As I grew older and I started going to restaurants without my parents there was still a certain amount of familiarty there. He would come say hello, ask about my parents, place his hand on my head, and in an almost strange way he'd pet my head. He was basically just a really friendly old guy, who was barely coherent when he talked quietly, shuffled around the restaurant, and constantly asked after my various sisters, brothers, and parents.

Not to be decieving, the relationship wasn't intimate or anything. He wasn't like an ACTUAL grandfather or anything. I have a soft spot for old men (in a non creepy way), he knew my order, I've heard him joke about thai transexuals that are sexy but also really hard ass boxers, and that's about it. He has at least two daughters, Vy and Dolly that work the restaurant. He's got a wife that isn't as friendly as him but is really nice to my mom specifically. He gives my little sister hugs when he sees her. And I guess in some small way he has watched me grow up. We first started going there when I was around 8, and about 4 years ago I started going at least once a month. I mean, when I say I'm a regular there, I'm REALLY regular there.

Now onto the news!

I hadn't been in in a couple of weeks, and when I was he suddenly wasn't there. His absence in the restaurant utterly alarmed me. I don't think I've ever been there and he just wasn't there. Also to note: there are stray cats that usually hang around for cat food he puts out for them. (it's it's own kind of sweet). They were gone too. There was no dish of food or strange cat eyes peering out from under cars. There were no sign of the cats either. It gave me a bad feeling. So I ask his wife while paying, "Oh, anon (sp?) isn't here? Is he ok?" She assures me that everything is good and asks after my mom. I told you she was less friendly. Curt, if anything.

I tell Adam, "He isn't here. Something is wrong. What if he's sick in the hospital?! or DEAD?!" (There goes that pessimism) He tells me I'm being crazy, which is a usual thing for me. I think everyone I haven't seen in a couple of days or doesn't pick up when I call is sick or dead.

A week goes by and tonight I go in with Adam and my little sister for dinner. Lo and behold, there he is. And I breathe a sigh of relief, but not without whispering to Adam, "see, I told you something is wrong with him, he's dressed casual." THis may seem like a rude comment but he's usually looking pretty nice. I chalk it up to an older generation (especially older immigrant) that place importance on always looking your best. (Who doesn't know or has heard of some old man who refuses to ever be seen in anything but a pristine and well ironed outfit? A suit or at least a dress shirt). But there he was, in casual wear. A cotton polo, a windbreaker jacket, nondescript pants.

So when he comes by for our usual pleasantries I mention that I didn't see him when we were last there. I don't push. And he tells us that he's been in the hospital/sick for THREE months. He keeps making this really creepy motion with his hand like a line from his collarbone to the bottom of his ribs. A gesture similar to when someone makes the neck slitting gesture when they're trying to indicate that you're dead meat or something, but he does this over his heart. At least once or twice.

And we can barely make out what he's saying EXACTLY but it's something like he quit smoking 20 years ago but he did it too much. He smoke and drank too much and it was left in his body even after he quit. And if i do either I should make sure to quit. And to tell my dad to stop smoking and drinking. Because now he is sick because he did it for 20 years, even though he has stopped for 20. He keeps making that sickening heart slitting motion.

I won't lie and say I'm absolutely heart broken. He isn't my father or my grandfather, and I don't think I really know his true personality or anything like that. And I guess he could go home and beat his wife for all I know.

But it's sad anyway. I want to stop him and look him in the eye and say, "You've been a part of my life. I thank you so much for that, I really truly do. And I hope that everything is ok and you get better and you live a long and healthy life. And if I don't have time to say it later, then GoodBye, and thank you, and I want you to know that you were here, you affected me, you are a part of my life."





(I know, I'm such a useless sap.)