Post-Graduation

I've had a lack of updates lately cause my life has kind of flat-lined... I could be depressed about it, I guess, but mostly I've grown apathetic. I tell myself that the job market right now sucks. I tell myself that I know more graduates that I can count having the exact same problem. I tell myself I've only really officially been out of school for two weeks. And two weeks? That's like no amount of time. I'm still young, I'm taking some time. It doesn't mean I'm a failure or I'm not going anywhere or that I'm a nothing. This is just what's happening. I should stop freaking out because I have really little to no control over the situation. I should relax and just accept what it is because I have little to no control over it. I don't know if I'm saying this to convince myself or to convince everyone else because I'm so insecure about it...

But I guess it'll figure itself out. Things will work out eventually. I don't have to be full speed ahead to accept and like myself. I don't need a path immediately. I don't have to feel worthwhile everyday, right? Or maybe that should be, I don't have to have a job to feel worthwhile?

I may feel like crap, but I just have to learn to calm down and not be so hard on myself. I'm really hard on myself. It gets tiring sometimes. I want to just relax and let it go and I just don't know how all the time. I need to think that I'm going to be ok sometimes. I need to think that I don't always have to worry and obsess to be ok. I need to remember that there's a whole big wide world out there and if it's not working right here right this instant, it will somewhere eventually further down the line. I don't need to be on high 24/7 to get anywhere. The world moves on it's own. I don't have to feel apprehensive and afraid or anxious of my future. I don't need to be depressed or sad or disappointed. I can just be ok. I can be ok and let all that other stuff go...

Right?

I just... It's just... It can be so hard to remember all of that. I feel like the world is looming over me menacingly. Everything feels dark and heavy. To be more cliche than normal, it feels like the walls are closing in on me and it's getting harder and harder to breathe. I feel like I've made some grave mistake and I must repent in order to save myself. But I don't know what the mistake was or is, and I don't know what salvation looks like. I'm nervous. I'm lost. I'm wandering. Things I don't really know how to be yet. I suddenly have to change and become accustomed to this entirely new world and I'm not fluent in the language.

But, I mean, to be completely honest with myself... As much as I've always wanted change, change, change. I've always been so bad and change. I've always been so afraid of change. I've always been best at stability. I remember, as trivial as it sounds, that the first time I really learned about and understood equilibrium it seemed like the most logical, sensical thing I've ever learned. Like this sort of basic scientific concept could be applied to not only every aspect of life but to the world itself. It was a revelation. An epiphany, in the most Joyce-sian sense. I should have known then that no matter how much I've wanted change in my life that I'd always really be seeking equilibrium. Not exactly stability but at least, a stable understanding of instability.

Here I am at a crossroad and I can't begin to understand where anything leads or what I think about anything. I talk myself into circles and I try to reason and unreason everything. I feel like... Like I'm bound to make the wrong decision just because I feel the need to make a decision.

How do I learn to stop myself? How do I learn to actually relax? How do I learn how to stop beating myself up over these sorts of things? How do I begin to apply the concepts of "it's ok" that I know?

How do I know how to begin the rest of my life?