The Lack of Accountability

My Mother's day turned into a kind of total flop. I know, contradiction to be "totally" and "kind of" but how else do I say it?

I'm not meaning to be dramatic. I know it sounds that way. It really isn't a dramatic big deal. It's just a conversation starter.

But anyways, my house is a freaking mess. It's all I ever complain about because it truly is perpetually messy.

Here's how my day went:

• Woke up late. Contacts too dry. Lounged around till far too late.
• Had a relatively mediocre boring lunch.
• Went to the flower shop to check out the completely stripped selection of lame flowers. Bought varied bunches and made my own cool bouquets.
• Rushed over to catch my mom and give her her flowers. I saw her a total of 2 minutes and she was not happy about it. At. All. (Not that my bouquet was a flop. She liked the flowers it's just that she was being dramatic and is currently hating life.)
• Dejectedly wasted time at Quickly, Staples, various phone stores, and a couple of stores.
• Thai food for dinner - relatively normal boring Thai food.
• Home for a 7 person rock band session (in turns). I tried to sing and I think I strained my (still healing) voice. I lost it a little bit again. Damn me, I'm sick of being sick. I think if I'm not a little better tomorrow I'll FINALLY make a doctor's appointment. Everyone wants to yell at me to go to the doctor but it's easier said than done when A) you don't have insurance B) are living paycheck to paycheck and don't have ANY money to put into your savings account that's been titled and reserved for the wedding of your dreams and is practically empty and C) you google all of your symptoms and everything points to Laryngitis which according to the internet is just treated with home rest.
• Anonymous neighbor note on our door that pissed me off. It's not that it was an unreasonable request (to "limit our steps" after 10pm). It's that: 1) we were obviously home 2) if they had knocked I would have explained that the dog does zoomies uncontrollably and we have more guests over on a Sunday night than usual because my military cousin is in town for only 4 days until who knows when. I would have apologized and promised to really try and control the dog in the future. And 3) the note wasn't signed, no number was left, it was typed as if to disguise handwriting, nothing to set them apart. Anonymity is a mask for cowards to avoid accountability. 

Plenty of people put up with plenty of flack from neighbors, everything from sex noises to dog barking to shootings and attempt to vent in private and not intrude on another's sovereignty. But they couldn't just keep it to themselves? Am I being crazy? 

Another neighbor asked us previously not to have the dog pee on the grass. To our face. We apologized, said ok, and I never never never let her pee on the grass. I even walk by the stupid little alleyway where there's a bird's nest that protectively flies over me, scaring the shit out of me, every day just so the dog won't pee on the grass. Sure, I secretly mocked the neighbor for a little bit in private and tried to avoid running into her because I was scared I'd get in trouble again. But she talked to us herself, she asked nicely, we responded nicely, we avoided bothering each other again, problem solved.

Do I leave anonymous notes on other neighbor's doors asking for them to please shut their CONSTANTLY whining kid up? Or to stop having sex in the late morning because it interupts when I want to sleep in and be late for work or occassionaly in the afternoons? Noooooo. Maybe I should.

I think I am being crazy and possibly non-sensical. I'm still sick and I'm exhausted.

Lately I've been getting this strange feeling. As if I'm losing my place in space. You know when you're reading a book, you daze out a little, realize you're really just looking at letters? And then you try to half-heartedly, while still in a daze, try to find where you left off? It's as if you're just making circles in the letters and words and spaces between them. I feel that way in space.

I blink too long or close my eyes or daze out a little and for a brief second it's like i'm spinning. I don't know if my feet are on the ground and if up is up and down is down. I'm spinning. It's like a dizzy feeling in the back of my mind. Like suddenly I'm just floating. This is turning out be more difficult to explain than I anticipated. It's like a form of free-falling without the feeling of the wind pushing against you. It's a weightless sort of feeling. Like if you don't grab hold the whole world will evaporate. I have to constantly hold onto things like walls or desks as if to tell my body, "You are right here. You are on the ground. You will not float away. This is where you are." It's a mild sort of vertigo.

I used to get this feeling when I was really tired. When I'd go to sleep at 4 or 5 in the morning only to wake up at 7 and have to function in the world. That stage of tired right before anxiety steps in (I get a lot of anxiety attacks when I'm not sleeping well). But lately it hasn't been dependant on my tired level. I could be perfectly awake when suddenly I lose my place. Lose my space.

It could be another form of my same old vertigo. I usually get it when I'm PMSing. But for me, vetigo is more when suddenly the room slams. It's a visual thing. It's like the room just drops. It's like a super high power dizzy. Sometimes it literally make me fall over. It's as if I'm in a snow globe and someone just turned it completely and physically on it's side. Instead of being a peice of slow-floating glitter or gold foil flake I am a rock. I have all the weight of gravity upon me. It sounds pretty crazy but my sister and my mom both get it and it only ever comes around my period. Periods can do funny things to a girl.

If Andrea reads this she's going to insist that I go to an ENT again, to which I'll refer her to bullet point number seven.

I'm rambling because I'm tired. I guess it's time to go to sleep.

Hope everyone had a better Mother's Day than I. Especially actual mothers.