The Lack of Accountability

My Mother's day turned into a kind of total flop. I know, contradiction to be "totally" and "kind of" but how else do I say it?

I'm not meaning to be dramatic. I know it sounds that way. It really isn't a dramatic big deal. It's just a conversation starter.

But anyways, my house is a freaking mess. It's all I ever complain about because it truly is perpetually messy.

Here's how my day went:

• Woke up late. Contacts too dry. Lounged around till far too late.
• Had a relatively mediocre boring lunch.
• Went to the flower shop to check out the completely stripped selection of lame flowers. Bought varied bunches and made my own cool bouquets.
• Rushed over to catch my mom and give her her flowers. I saw her a total of 2 minutes and she was not happy about it. At. All. (Not that my bouquet was a flop. She liked the flowers it's just that she was being dramatic and is currently hating life.)
• Dejectedly wasted time at Quickly, Staples, various phone stores, and a couple of stores.
• Thai food for dinner - relatively normal boring Thai food.
• Home for a 7 person rock band session (in turns). I tried to sing and I think I strained my (still healing) voice. I lost it a little bit again. Damn me, I'm sick of being sick. I think if I'm not a little better tomorrow I'll FINALLY make a doctor's appointment. Everyone wants to yell at me to go to the doctor but it's easier said than done when A) you don't have insurance B) are living paycheck to paycheck and don't have ANY money to put into your savings account that's been titled and reserved for the wedding of your dreams and is practically empty and C) you google all of your symptoms and everything points to Laryngitis which according to the internet is just treated with home rest.
• Anonymous neighbor note on our door that pissed me off. It's not that it was an unreasonable request (to "limit our steps" after 10pm). It's that: 1) we were obviously home 2) if they had knocked I would have explained that the dog does zoomies uncontrollably and we have more guests over on a Sunday night than usual because my military cousin is in town for only 4 days until who knows when. I would have apologized and promised to really try and control the dog in the future. And 3) the note wasn't signed, no number was left, it was typed as if to disguise handwriting, nothing to set them apart. Anonymity is a mask for cowards to avoid accountability. 

Plenty of people put up with plenty of flack from neighbors, everything from sex noises to dog barking to shootings and attempt to vent in private and not intrude on another's sovereignty. But they couldn't just keep it to themselves? Am I being crazy? 

Another neighbor asked us previously not to have the dog pee on the grass. To our face. We apologized, said ok, and I never never never let her pee on the grass. I even walk by the stupid little alleyway where there's a bird's nest that protectively flies over me, scaring the shit out of me, every day just so the dog won't pee on the grass. Sure, I secretly mocked the neighbor for a little bit in private and tried to avoid running into her because I was scared I'd get in trouble again. But she talked to us herself, she asked nicely, we responded nicely, we avoided bothering each other again, problem solved.

Do I leave anonymous notes on other neighbor's doors asking for them to please shut their CONSTANTLY whining kid up? Or to stop having sex in the late morning because it interupts when I want to sleep in and be late for work or occassionaly in the afternoons? Noooooo. Maybe I should.

I think I am being crazy and possibly non-sensical. I'm still sick and I'm exhausted.

Lately I've been getting this strange feeling. As if I'm losing my place in space. You know when you're reading a book, you daze out a little, realize you're really just looking at letters? And then you try to half-heartedly, while still in a daze, try to find where you left off? It's as if you're just making circles in the letters and words and spaces between them. I feel that way in space.

I blink too long or close my eyes or daze out a little and for a brief second it's like i'm spinning. I don't know if my feet are on the ground and if up is up and down is down. I'm spinning. It's like a dizzy feeling in the back of my mind. Like suddenly I'm just floating. This is turning out be more difficult to explain than I anticipated. It's like a form of free-falling without the feeling of the wind pushing against you. It's a weightless sort of feeling. Like if you don't grab hold the whole world will evaporate. I have to constantly hold onto things like walls or desks as if to tell my body, "You are right here. You are on the ground. You will not float away. This is where you are." It's a mild sort of vertigo.

I used to get this feeling when I was really tired. When I'd go to sleep at 4 or 5 in the morning only to wake up at 7 and have to function in the world. That stage of tired right before anxiety steps in (I get a lot of anxiety attacks when I'm not sleeping well). But lately it hasn't been dependant on my tired level. I could be perfectly awake when suddenly I lose my place. Lose my space.

It could be another form of my same old vertigo. I usually get it when I'm PMSing. But for me, vetigo is more when suddenly the room slams. It's a visual thing. It's like the room just drops. It's like a super high power dizzy. Sometimes it literally make me fall over. It's as if I'm in a snow globe and someone just turned it completely and physically on it's side. Instead of being a peice of slow-floating glitter or gold foil flake I am a rock. I have all the weight of gravity upon me. It sounds pretty crazy but my sister and my mom both get it and it only ever comes around my period. Periods can do funny things to a girl.

If Andrea reads this she's going to insist that I go to an ENT again, to which I'll refer her to bullet point number seven.

I'm rambling because I'm tired. I guess it's time to go to sleep.

Hope everyone had a better Mother's Day than I. Especially actual mothers.

Busy, Busy

I'm a bad blogger. I never blog consistently and even when I do it's just a bunch of garbage. Garbage, garbage.

To fill the empty space I attempted to do this long ass survey in the style of circa 2007 MySpace. It was vyer long. I do the entire thing and then realize it was much lamer than I had anticipated. I deleted it and here's what has resulted:

In case anyone is interested and hasn't talked to me lately here's what's going on with me:

• I've had Laryngitis for over a week now. It was one of the longest lasting, slowest healing sicknesses I've had. It's mostly just really irritating to be sick day in and day out. But yesterday I actually had a decent amount of energy for most of the day so, I think I'm officially getting better. I should be over it in a day or two.
• My cousin just had brain surgery to remove a pretty large brain tumor. As much as I complain about my family and as distant as I often feel, they are still my family. And one good thing about such a large familial network is the way we can rally at times of crisis. Everyone has been at the hospital pretty much every day he's been there. That means anywhere between 10 - 30 people at all times, whether he's awake to realize or not. Everyone takes turns bringing dinner and snacks for everyone in the waiting room. Everyone is there after work, constantly calling. It's a big thing and to be honest, it makes me proud to be apart of my family. (But don't tell anyone I said that! I'm not usually so sweet. I have a reputation to uphold!)
• Last weekend, Adam and I trekked ALL the way to Guerneville to check out a possible wedding location. It was really beautiful and it looked like a lot of fun, but I'm not sold on it quite yet. Wedding planning so far has been a slow process but location is one of the most important factors for us. Overall for the weekend we drove over 375 miles or something like that. It was exhausting (especially while sick!)

Here's a picture of the place we looked at.

• This weekend we're going to Sacramento because Adam's little niece chose us as her godparents for her first communion. Me? A Godparent? But she chose me and what am I gonna do? Say no? It's cute either way, and all we really have to do is get her extra presents. It makes me feel special, they like me. haha.

And that's about all, I guess.

Oh, and any feedback on the new layout? I'm loving Blogger's new template designer.

Sick Sickly

I have a temperature of 100+ and all I'm feeling is the burning of my eyes.

I'm so groggy that I can barely spell. I'm sounding out all the words. (but maybe I'm always like that and I don't realize).

I feel like shit but I'm too sick to fall asleep. I hope my nyquil kicks in.

Spring Cleaning

For those of you in the know, you would know that I live in what I call, "a constant state of squalor." This is perhaps a little melodramatic, but, as you all know, I am relatively melodramatic.

But I'm just a bad cleaner. There's no ifs. ands, or buts about it. I'm no good. Try as I might, I stop trying and return to my normal bad self. To have things so messy makes me feel somewhat immature, as if it's a sign of my life falling apart. If I were really "together" then my shit would be organized, simple as that.

But, for the past couple of weeks I have subjected poor Adam (and myself, of course, but I chose this therefore I am the subjector and he is the subjectED) to a good bout of SPRING CLEANING!

Before we left for Madrid I pretty much tore the house apart! I dumped out the contents of at least 4 purses (this is strange, I understand, to have not only so many purses but so many purses filled with so many things, and all at the same time. But that will have to be another entry cause I'm rather long-winded on the subject). I did about 4 loads of laundry and threw everything on the couch. I went through pretty much everything in the apartment evaluating it's travelling value. (Is this worth the bulk in my bag? Will I REALLY need it? Will I really use it?) And finally I finished packing a mere 2 minutes before the taxi got to our house.

We got home and... Well, unsprisingly enough, all of my mess had been waiting for me that entire time. (don't worry we threw away any and all perishables or possible stinkies. It was clean mess).

But I was tired. I blamed jet lag. The day after we got back I had to go to work. Adam was SUPER inundated with homework and midterms. I had a serious set of post-vacation blues. I continued to live out of my luggage for at least 2 weeks after we got back (So I'm an over packer AND I bought a lot of clothes while there, sue me.)

So for a month our mess grew and grew. Old mess, new mess, inbetween mess. We would try to tidy here and there but tidying isn't enough when you're facing the Mount Kilamanjaro of Messes.

We hit rock bottom. There was no longer any place for walking, sitting, living, or dying.

The light of a civilized, mature, together, and sanitary young girl clicked on.

"It is time for Spring Cleaning," I declared!

We have since cleaned absolutely everything. I finally put the luggage away, I recloseted my purses, my shoes are all in the closet. We cleaned the bathroom! We cleaned the kitchen! We even had the carpets shampooed!

Anyways, the point of this entirely too long entry is that as part of Spring Cleaning we finally took a stand, put our foot down, and demanded the leak be fixed. So now, our window no longer leaks!!

I'm very excited for the lack of squalor. All that's left is to frame and hang our pictures (so it looks more lived in, decorated, and awesome), decorate just a little, organize the bookshelves, scrub the fridge for invisible germs, finally paint the bedroom (We've had the paint and equipment all this time, I was just waiting for the window to be fixed), oh, and clean my car.

Next up? Baking night tonight con platanos. Pictures and recipes to come.

Contagion

I'm pretty sure I'm going a little crazy. I don't know if I'm freaking out. Am I freaking out?

Is this the way I eract to so many people getting sick and dying?

CAuse yesterday I was completely freaked out that there was something wrong with ME (unresolved. depends on today's happenings whether or not I make a doctor's appt or if yesterday was just me being crazy.)

Today I'm convinced that there's somethign wrong with Penelope. I mean, I'm always mother hen, over protective mother over her but I'm usually right (how many UTI's has she REALLY had?!) and I just don't know what to do.

I feel scattered. worried.

But at the same time I feel irrational. Like I'm really being crazy. That yesterday was perfectly fine. and the dog is perfectly fine. and everything is normal and I'm blowing everything out of proportion cause everyone else is getting sick, I'm projecting problems onto myself (and the dog).




ughk. I'm so neurotic.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

I easily see that I have lived a very blessed life.

It wasn't till I was 14 that I even knew anyone that had died and even now, to this day, I have never had to feel any horrible, terrible loss.

I have lived a sheltered and what some might call a perfect life. I have been protected from some of the greater injustices or violences or even just simple losses.

My mother and father are still married, alive, and healthy. All of my siblings, while some were reckless in their younger years, are equally alive and healthy. I've even been dating my first love since, well, since the beginning. The heartbreak I have experienced has been different. Because instead of being tempered by time, acceptance, and moving forward it was, while at times intense and I don't doubt that it was real, it was relatively short lived, it was still within my grasp and slight control, and instead of being weathered through and dissappeared it was healed.

So far, the sound of this seems like there will be a "but" but there is not "but."

I have existed so far in my life in some beautiful bubble. There have been scares and worried but nothing so much as to change my life or truly affect me or even to slightly affect me.

I don't want that to change. I don't want that to change ever.

And with things going the way they are, with mortality ever pending and change ever looming, I feel this stressing need to face it. Face that there could be hurt in ways I have yet to experience. I'm scared.

Plenty of people face plenty of hard things every day. But I have not. I completely understand that my existance has met practically no adversity.

What if I'm not strong enough? If I'm too weak? What if I cannot rise to the occassion? What if I just can't do it? What if I can't do it?

So many times people have met negative situations with grace and kept something vital within themselves alive and well. What If I cannot do this?

Sometimes it feels like the whole world is tumbling down and the debris is finally threatening to fall upon me as well, to break me from this protection, and I'm here, waiting, anxious and afraid, looking up bricks and bodies and hopes and dream fall down around me, saying over and over, "Please not this time. Please do not let this fall upon me. Please not this time."

The Cosmo Blues

For some reason, lately, I've felt very out of touch with the women of the world and sometimes with being a woman myself. It's kind of a strange thing... I've never felt any sort of shame or embaressment or closed-ness about every part of my feminity but I kind of do all of a sudden... As if there is private information that i can't let on to everyone else. Which, as I'm sure many of you know, is SO not my style!

And today, while doing my FAVORITE thing (walking aimlessly in the drug store), after having a brief period talk with Danielle, I suddenly realized I haven't read a woman's magazine in a LONG time. I somehow missed it. I missed glamour photoshop shots and TMI filled sex surveys. I tend to stay away from them because I despise the advertisements of disembodied women and seeing the fashion shoots with women making dead faces/murdered faces and the whole "how to please your man" constant theme. It makes me sick. I think I might hate everything a woman's fashion magazine stands for. All the blonde, skinny, perfect, and normalized girls make me sad. I tend to read nat. geo.s, newsweeks, the occasional rolling stones, various arts and crafts mags, and even a popular science every so now and again. In a perfect world I could let go of my wedding magazine obsession. In defense of that one they usually have very little to do with women or murdered looking fashion. It's all about favors and fonts and dresses and colors and cakes, my favorite things! And plus, any kinds ofmagazines that feature different letterpress companies are 10 points, by me.

BUT ANYWAYS! Today I suddenly wanted to read one. front to cover. As a compromise I just browsed one while in the store. I skimmed the "what men want in bed" survey that took up like 4 pages, I laughed at the "are you bad girl hot or good girl hot?" quiz, and I only glanced at the fashion spread. Then I stumbled on something that's relatively normal women's mag sort of stuff that I kind of forgot about...

The part where it's actually about women. it talked about bodies and periods and girl-like questions and feelings. I found myself surprised that there were things *I* actually think and wonder about. It answered questions for me that I haven't thought to google, didn't pick up in any of my many health classes, and my sciences mags didn't answer.

I put the magazine back and went aboutmy drugstore trip. I squished the dr. scholl's insoles, I picked out unshreddable floss, I oggled highlights and pencils that I don't need, I browsed condoms.

And then on my way home it started to sink in... That small section was a small consolation to women across the contry that, "hey, you aren't alone. You're normal. That thing that happens to your body that you're too embaressed to ever ask your girlfriends about? It happens to plenty of us! There's nothing wrong with you!" And that's nice.

In a haystack of bad things, I found a good one. And that's not so bad.

You've got me

(A pretend song written to the woes of my current state)

Oh, zantac, singulair, and zyrtec.
You lead me on,
keep me going.
pull me in,
pull me in.

Oh baby
i'm hiving so bad
don't you know I need you
don't hide from me
i'm hiving so bad.

So, I was irresponsible and lost my purse
I'm completely sincere when I tell you
the one thing I worry about most
and is giving me a panic attack
is your absence.

Forget about my wallet,
I'll throw it away.
Who cares about my sunglasses,
I'm blind without you.
Forget my eyeliner, lipgloss, various credit cars, and ID,
It's you that's keeping me up nights.


Oh baby
i'm hiving so bad
don't you know I need you
don't hide from me
i'm hiving so bad.
(Repeat 2x)

Missing you
and my throat is closing
missing you
and I can't sleep
Missing you and my stomach is turning
Missing you
and my skin is on fire

Oh medicine cocktail
originally listed for
indoor and outdoor allergies
heartburn/stomach pain and
asthma
But consumed for my raised skin
swollen skin
itching skin.

Chronic Idiopathic Urticaria
has nothing on you
oh savior, lover, reviver.

(Chorus 3x)

Please come back to me...

Manic Monday

My mother, who I consider a relative expert on child raising given her 5 children 5+ grandchildren and uncountable amounts of neices or nephews has elnighted me with this:

"The only thing worse than watching a sick baby is watching a sick baby WHILE you're sick!"

I second this sentiment after a day of standing holding the 30 lb. baby not being able to sit down or put her down unless willing to face unwavering screaming while too weak to stand and too sick to breathe, and having a cell phone thrown at my head (by the baby) hard enough to make me want to cry.

Oh long days of all long days, after a night of literally (and accidentally) banging my head against a wall, not sleeping, nightmares, and a ridiculous EXPLOSION of the worst hives i think i've ever gotten. Why is the day not yet done?

Just so we're on the same page...

Looking for a living wage sucks.
Wasted potential totally sucks.
Short sticks, ends meat, and pay day to pay day sucks.

Other things that suck in no particular order
Being suckered
Needing sleep
Being the bigger person
Having it rubbed in your face
Being grumpy when you don't want to be
Getting lazier when you shouldn't be
Worrying about life in general
Trying to work a full schedule
Being forced to work around everyone elses schedule
commitment sometimes
non commitment othertimes
Forced patience
sore body
Boring music
Mysterious smell that I can't find the source of
smell that persists
Chronic hives
No, make that chronic health problems
crazy crazy frizzy hair
spending money
saving money
money in general
my mood, in general.

Good news:

After masses of bloodwork with relatively no help, the facing of a needle fear and the urge to cry when punctured I've been reassured that:
I have a normal thyroid
I'm not anemic
I don't have Hep C.
I don't have syphilis
I did have a normal pap smear
My bad and good cholesterol , tryglyceride, and chol to HDL ratio are all within normal healthy range.
AAANNDDD
I don't have diabetes or high blood pressure therefore my statistical risk of having a heart attack in the next 10 years is only 1%. Compared to the average risk of other people my age who have a 4% risk, I'm doing pretty well....

SO BASICALLY: the good news is that contrary to the chronic hives, swelling, and burning pain in my fingers, I'm pretty damn healthy. (at least according to my blood and vagina.)

SO BASICALLY: the good news is that the doctors still don't know what's wrong with me and I have to waste even more time and money on trying to figure it out.

My poor doggie is hurt

it breaks my heart

The Good

Weekend:

• Friday: Work and then babysitting Zoey. It's one thing that she's incredibly sweet, and cute, and teeny tiny... But I'm also her favorite. Crazy cuteness. Diaper changing and bottle feeding. Then at like 12:30 am Adam picked up jenna for me and then from SM we went to HMB for sleeps.
• Saturday: Dance class (the building was SO nice!), to adams work while he cleans his desk, back to his place to pick up my car, then carted my cousin to Santa Cruz to visit her dad, ended up hanging out with them for a little while (bowling, yech). Home then shower, sleep, dinner, and Wall-E. It was cute, had a meaning, laden with Apple montages, and didn't talk too much. Oh, then a dog walk. (what a long day.)
• Sunday: Nothing but lazy until around 3. Then lunch (L&L) and shopping (didn't buy anything, just walked around some stores). Another dog walk Hung out with Grace and Vicky, dinner at some mediocre noodle house.

Super tired today, had a busy weekend... Does anyone have any suggestions for active wear? I want a sports bra, gym bag, and some other odds and ends that are cute and not frumpy, not to itchyfying, and not too expensive. Oh, and for the sports bra I don't want it to show my nipples (call me a prude but I will insist the job of a bra is to conceal the nipplage). Its so hard to shop for anything on the internet sometimes... There's just so much everywhere, where do we begin? There are certain websites that I go to by default, but when they fail me, i'm left with google, luck, and frustration.

Things I've been meaning to talk about but probably will never get around to:

1. Dance Class
2. rekindling old friendships, hot or not?
3. My never ending hives and health problems
4. My lack of inspiration in life right now and the search for it
5. More on my search for the perfect bra
6. Work, family, and the never ending headache
7. Cancer, the future, and the frightening prospects of growing up
8. Lack of school
9. The job hunt (or lack thereof)
10. How I have the greatest boyfriend in the world. (cheesy but horribly true, as evidenced by this weekend, the past four years, and every day life)

Thursdays

I complain via blog too often. It's cause i don't want to bug anyone or burden anyone

with my frivilous complaints.

What better place and/or friend than a blog? No one reads this but me, I can vent all I want without having to listen in the future, and I don't even get judged. (well, i might, but that's beyond the point).

wah wah wah.

I hate my job, I hate where I live, I hate that I allow myself to get so bored and depressed.

Jump Rope and crunches last night, monday I rode the bike machine as well as stretches and crunches.

Maybe I'll go running tonight?

Dance class on Saturday, scared and excited.

This is My Life

This is going to sound a little stupid but...



The older I get the more embaressed I am of my unhealthy habits.

What an Itch

Ok, so here's my self diagnosis:

I think I had a form of angiodema. It wasn't chronic but recurring. This means that throughout the years, relatively randomly, with no known triggers, my face has swollen up. My lips, sometimes nose, sometimes my eyelids. It was rare and as a family we decided it was somehow stress related. 

It escalated to my fingers and toes swelling. The palms of my hands. and the bottoms of my feet.

I remember very rarely and semi-vaugely getting a hive here or there in small batches. But never long enough to cause concern. Or, again, with any known triggers.

I think it's just somehow built up... To my case of chronic hives. For what feels like forever but is more like the past 3 months I've had chronic hives. And really bad ones.

All up both of my arms, fingers swollen to a point that I can't move them. Hives onmy back, neck, hips, sides, legs. It's usually worse on my hands and arms.

It's fucking unbearable. In the past 3 or so months there has only been one and a half days where I didn't have hives. It felt like the grip of some unforgiving monster finally loosened. And I could relax. and I could breathe.

Cause let me tell you right now... I can't breathe. I can't relax. Hives are frustrating. they're itchy. they make me cranky. I feel helpless against an unknown foe.

UNBEARABLE I SAY!!!!

It has significantly decreased the quality of my life.