This sinking

Sometimes I have the meanest cruelest thoughts about people. And I think it's killing my soul.

But, while I'm inclined to stop it... I'm obviously not trying hard enough.

I think over the past couple of years I opened up completely new sides of myself and while it's been a self exploration experience it has been retrogressing. In a sort of big way.

I feel like I got to a certain point and so much was taken from me. And in the process I hid away (perhaps lost) the better parts of myself.

And there's a lot to sort out. And some days i'm ready to take on the task but most of them I let my complacency and fear dictate my actions.

Nightmares over the weekend have significantly shaken me up. No matter what starts me being scared, or starts me being angry, or starts me being depressed...

In the end it's always the same thing. The same thing I am afraid of. and angry at. and depressed about. And so those are the emotions that have ruled. And so this is what I have fixated on.

Once I understood what happened I knew it would take an eternity to work through it. But I never could have guessed how it would change my relationships and the people I care most about.

Patience, courage and love are all that will sort anything out. Let's just hope Pandora remembered to close the box in time to allow those few jewels to remain within me.