Can't you hear me?

Do you want to know what I'm sick of? Do you want to know what I'm incredibly sick of?

Being unemployed. And being thus poor. I am sick of the lack of job posting and I am sick of the lack of responses. I'm sick of being considered entry-level and I'm sick of calculating and recalculating my salary requirements lower and lower and lower. I'm sick of scraping by.

I'm sick of the "For Rent" section craigslist ads showing the most beautiful prime location San Francisco apartments that I won't be able to live in, or ever live in even if I did have a job. I'm sick of looking at these really awesome totally me prints for sale on line that I won't be able to buy, or the equally awesome various junk that I would love to purchase and cannot. I'm sick of rich living in general. I'm sick of the price of a pair of jeans. I'm sick of the price of fucking water.

I hate how it's so expensive just to live. I'm sick of having to buy shampoo, or my 200+ dollar a month drug habit that can't be avoided. I'm sick of the price of food even when I only eat one meal a day. I'm sick of having to think about how I might have to pay for a more enjoyable form of exercise if I want to stop being so fat. I'm sick of how expensive dinner is. Or how expensive gas is even though it's not that bad compared to last year. I'm sick of getting overdraft notices from my bank account.

I'm sick of people asking me what I'm doing now that I'm graduated because I'm not doing anything. I'm sick of people asking if I heard about so and so in the news or this and this politics. I haven't. I stopped watching TV. I stopped listening to the news. I've turned off the radio. I can't bear to listen to this and this economist saying it'll get better soon or it'll hit rock bottom in 6 mos. or it's much worse than we feared or barack obama is doing this or barack obama isn't doing enough or this is going really bad or this isn't so bad as we thought or unemployment rates are low or unemployment rates are breaking every record. It's fucking dismal. And I hate it. And I've shut out the world. Want to know what I do? I play video games all day. I sleep all day. Most days I barely even both to brush my hair or change. That's fucking life, so deal with it. I'm sick of everything.

I'm sick of people saying it's easy to make a few million dollars or someone someone is playing professional sports after graduation or just got a trillion dollar job. I'm always really good at quite sincerely being happy for other people when they succeed without even a consideration of jealousy or any other negative feeling. But I'm kind of sick of that too. I want the happy feelings to be for me. I want the happy things happening to happen to me. I'm sick of hearing about the good coming to others, especially the others that I know only put in 70% effort. I know I don't have this horrible, hard, or rough life but I'm sick of it anyway.

I'm sick of mediocre. I'm sick of flat-line. I'm sick of being reminded of what it must be like to be at the top when I'm in a middle-level, plateaued malaise. Just fed up. Fed, fed, fed, fed up. Overflowed. Inundated. drowned.