Stream of Thought

I had a cry moment today.

I was in the car with my sister after a couple days of trying to form out the words i wanted to say. The streetlights were golden in the rain. The cold was creeping from my fingertips and the same song was playing over and over.

"Colors seem to fade" he sang. As if it were just for me.

And each syllable was like a contortion to my tounge. Like work. Like choking.

As if saying it then would make it more real than the whispers of my mind. More real than the nightmares and sad journal entries.

"Sometimes i'm afraid he'll come back and not love me anymore. And i guess that's what i get for still loving him. Becaus ei will no matter what he does when he comes back."

And my eyes stong and burned. ANd my fists clenched. and silently i bit down on my lip to hold it all down.

I'm so sick of having to expect the worst. I set the people in my life up for dissapointment. And everytime i love them there's a part of me that reminds me that they might never love me back. And i work so hard to tell myself to no longer hope.

And when they fail i'm just as dissapointed at my victory. Everytime i'm right about the people in my life it's bittersweet. More bitter than anything else.

And i'm sick of expecting the worst. hoping for the best. I want to hope an dhope and hope and let that be enough. I'm a good person. i know i am.

I make mistakes, i fuck a lot, i can be mean or judgemental. But i'm a good person deep down. because i can love and i can give and i try so hard not to be hurtful.

And maybe it's time i admit to myself that i deserve to expect the best. Because i'm the best i can be and it's time i expect that from the people around me.

Because i am worth loving. still loving. and he needs to. he needs to still love me. because i need him to prove me wrong. prove to me that i wasn't right when i said he didn't love me.

But at teh same time, i've had my fair share of love. of falling. of being. I just don't want it to be the time to let go.

I miss him. i miss him SO much. I miss being held. and not just by anyone. but by him. i miss feeling protected. i miss feeling beautiful. I miss him so much that i can't sleep. That all i can do is eat. That i have dreams upon dream upon nightmares upon nightmares of somethign so simple as a call. Because i've been waiting and waiting and as much as i hate it i know i can't stop.

I can't be a cutter. I can't just cut people out of my life. Connections with me never end cleanly. I just don't know how. And id on't even really want to start. i don't want to be the kind of personwho can close a door, turn a back and be alright. It's just not who i am. It's just not what i do.

I want and i want. i need and i need.

And for now, that's just going to have to be ok.