An Inventory

Gifts:

1. Jacket from AE (needs to be returned for bigger size)
2. Nintendo DS + game
3. Uno
4. 2 TMX's (oops)
5. Purple Dress from Anthro
6. Hand Mixer in pink
7. 3 gift cards (anthro, old navy, and starbucks)
8. 1 Shirt I'll never ever wear. not even to sleep.
9. and some miscellaneous bath soaps from various aunts and grandmas.

General Mood:

• No christmas spirit all throughout decemeber
• started to feel it a little on the 24th.
• got excited for like, half a second when giving out my presents.
• really irritated with just about everyone
• kind of blaaahhhh

Things to do:

• returns
• shopping
• work

All that needs to be said

Sometimes I'm afraid I'll never be happy.

Thanksgiving

Happy thanksgiving...

Need to do:

Get dressed
do hair
go to a. irma's party

Things already done:
woke up
slept in
fought with adam
taken an incredibly long shower


Still feel relatively sluggish and lethargic.

Mood: dismal and mean

The Thing with Feathers

It's pretty late and I should be working on my midterm that's due tomorrow. And i'm so sleepy that i'mhaving slight chest pains.

But instead of focusing, like usual, i've found somethign better to occupy me. (please dont' mind the typos. i'm pretty tired)

I've just finished reading this news article on an old man who, in his garage, has formulated what could potentially be the cure for cancer. He's had cancer and in the cancer ward he saw how chemo had hurt so many other things with int he body (excuse teh strange turn of phrases and word order. again, i'm really tired). So anyways, he wanted to figure out a way to attack ONLY the cancer cells. and not the part of the body. And he had no science or medical background but since he was a kid he had been building radios.

And whith heart and attempts, he's some how made these amazing discoveries in water. And they say his "cancer killer" could begin clinical trials in two or three years. And in test subjects it's killed 100% of the cancer without harming the animals. Which is amazing. and strange.

And it makes me so... hopeful. and excited. and in a strange way... fulfilled. Like I can believe in something again.

And, to be fair, I've never really known anyone with cancer. I have no first hand experience on how it can change and/or destroy lives and families and happiness. ANd I can't even beign to imagine the magnitude of it. But at the same time, I do. I understand the magnitude of it.

And to think, that a simple old man and some radios, can change that. Can change something. It's refreshing. and hopeful. ANd even if this doesn't work... It could be a big step to somethign that WILL.

And it's like suddenly the whole world can be better. Better.

ANd knowing that the whole world can change... THat makes me so... Happy. Hopeful.

Piece of Me

My birthday was good.
Halloween was low key... but I *did* get to sleep for 12 hours. which was like a slive of straight heaven.

Santa cruz is... alright. Ups and downs here and there. But generally tolerable. School is going ok, i think. Emphasis on think. 1 essay being returned tomorrow. and 2 midterms due next week. and so we'll know then whether school is going ok. or failingly bad.

My sky light room with all the sun is going... tolerable as well. Leaks around the house.

Never realized how bad my paranoia can be until I lived with other people and had no real comfort at hand. Silly things scare me, like small earthquakes, and the electricity going out for a second, and getting water in the middle of the night. I think at home, I find comfort or safety in being with my family. And Adam especially here. And in a house of strangers numbers count for nothing.

For me, being social and around other people, is a chore. It's a concerted effort. It gets tiring. And in normal old life, I had time to be alone and rest and not have to think about whether or not i'd talk, or smile, or have something to say. I'm just so socially awkward that I needed more "me" time than "everyone" time because it's so difficult for me. I mean, it isn't AWFUL. or like i'm losing sanity. But, it is something that affects me everyday I'm here and I can easily see wearing on me as time goes by.

A lot of readings to do. A lot of learning. I can honestly say that I've really learned a lot about various governmental and political institutions and policies in the first half of this quarter. I've also learned a lot about myself. And i've learned to question myself on a lot more subjects.

What is it that I would like in a president? From a government? What can I really do to fight for it? What are my beliefs and which am I willing to compromise on and which are worth pushing for? Is compromising selling out? Is total victory the only victory? What baby steps aren't backing down? What are my views on international relationships? I've always been the person to want to fully educate myself on a subject before really speaking out on it... And as of right now, i realize how uneducated I truly am. And how so many other people, who are spitting their opinions so vehemently, are even more uneducated than I. And that doesn't just go for people who I disagree with. Because so many people fight points that I agree with, but for unknown reasons or without any sort of research. And I disagree with that too.

Overall, there's just so much more to learn. and I feel so behind. But I'm so glad I'm on the right track.

other hands... Got the new Britney CD. And that poor girl makes me so sad. Because she's so... lost. and insane. and She's my best friend and I just want her to get better. And she has no real fan base anymore. and she's completely insane. and completely exploited for her insanity. Any other normal person gets to go through times of craziness alone. And she has nine quadrillion people laughing and pointing and calling her out on it. In teh famous words of my equally crazy friend, Chris Crocker, LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE. Her CD isn't bad, I don't think. And I've read the reviews saying that she's incredibly vauge and her voice thin and it's incredibly overproduced. But, what did everyone expect? This is Britney Spears, not charlotte church. Britney Spears became popular because she was some sort of fantasy ideal. She was moldable and young. SHe could be pulled and stretched to be whatever everyone wanted out of a star. The only real trouble came when she started wanting to be an actual person. And so her new CD is the same sort of manipulation and farce that exudes sex, dance, and "ownership" of ones sexuality. (more on that term at a future date). She's everything the media has forced her to be. and Ithink i'm rambling more often than usual. So that's that.

Good

My Birthday was good...

A couple of sharp parts here and there... but overall good. which is good

housing is going alright. and school is up to there. and blah

but generally... still good.

and that's good

Ready? Ok!

I spoke too soon...

I felt happy and stable and satisfied for once. For a little bit.

And now I'm just so overwhelmed. I'm in over my head. And I'm worried. I'm discouraged. And :sigh: I'm really sleepy. And my back always hurts. and my stomach hurts. and i'm sleepy.

I feel so lost in my classes. I've met loads of people, but haven't really made any friends. I haven't been ballsy enough to initiate relations with my teachers for future letters of rec.

And while I've officialy declared my major. And I officially have a plan. I'm just having a down time right now...

And I'm need of a hug. and a pep talk.

Two weeks and Counting....

"It's the gradual descent into a life we never meant..."

I feel everything being to fall away, and even though it isn't quite gone, I miss it already.

I miss it.

Caught a Bus?

I never bother to keep up with my blog. But I often look and search back through it to see who I was at the time or where I stood.

At LOT has been going on. I'm finally moved into Santa Cruz. Finally seeing more about this long distance relationship business. It's good and bag and good again. Or some such.

And the most exciting of all...

I'm at a real college. If I could I would give the "real" part in neon lights with shine.

And as much as I wish I could say, for my dignity and in defense of community college, that it was the same and equally difficult... It's really really not.

Obviously the major I've chosen isn't going to be easy for myself. And the classes aren't going to be these little larks in the park. But I think for right now, I'm mostly dealing with the intense level of intimidation. I'm much more scared and doubtful than I am confident. I feel like an 18 or 17 year old freshman has that blissful confidence. I had it too once. As I heard once, "infuriatingly sure of themselves." Once I was able to believe in myself easier, simply as a gift of age. And this confidence allows them to take, head on, the things that are coming right at them.

But I can't. I feel like I second guess myself too often. I feel like I am often too humble when I should be pushing my way through to be noticed. That's something I've learned over the years that I never understood before, and in no way do I feel like it is wisdom. But more it's a sort of baggage. But I've learned this anxiety to kee myself invisible. I've learned to be so afraid of sounding like an idiot, that I'mmush more idiotic inmy silence. I have developed problems articulating my thoughts or feelings. And that is very much an hinderance. While it was ok to take the middle rows in community college, it isn't anymore. And while it was ok to not take myself seriously in community college, it isn't anymore.

And I have SO many readings. and such STRONG urges to be napping. and...

I do get homesick. Well, maybe not sick-sick, like I used to in LA. If there was a misery scale and killing myself was number 10. and being only slightly unhappy was 1. and 5 was moderately depressed.

In LA I was a 9. In Santa Cruz I'm a 2, possibly 3.

But I go home often enough to keep it in the low range. Things that I miss?

having a passenger side mirror. hah. hah. hah. not funny yet. really.

Quit Me

Well, how do I say this without being inappropriate or being too vauge?

My relationship has come to the point where I will project these incredibly idealized romantic notions on any passing story, character, or person.

I'm so sick of unrequited romance. I'm sick of pretend feelings. I'm sick of love.

Just to Fill you in...

More strange dreams as of late...

A LOT of ikea shopping.

A lot of guilty buying and big spending yearning...

I just NEED to go to Anthropologie. and buy EVERYTHING. And then I'll be able to stop shopping... right?

It's ok, I'll move in, get settled, get used to my miniscule budget/income and learn to save on stupid stuff... So I can buy even more expensive stupid stuff. Like blouses and pretty pants and the world's most stunning robes...

Pictures soon of my yummy room!

I had dreams of Electricity and Jenny Lewis.

It was strange and beautiful.

It felt as panicked as a nightmare and in the darkness as I awoke I searched blindly through the air for something to save me.

When sleep found me again it was only dreams of friends, movies, and chinese food.

Cold Feet

I'm feeling rather sad and lonely. partially anxious tonight. I don't if it's just stress or if I'm a bit lonely and feeling the downtime for such a packed weekend.

I'm really really not looking forward to living with 3 other people. I know it's snobby of me but I'm just NOT a people-person. I'm especially not a 24 hour people person. I don't like big parties. I can't usually stand sleepovers. I'm constantly worried of people overstaying their welcome. And I just... I don't deal well having people around me constantly.

I need space. I need to unwind. I need privacy. I need alone time. a lot. a lot alot.

And I'm not so worried about living with Adolfo because I feel like we've known each other enough to know to stay our distance when we need it. And I feel like he's a lot like me and will have just as many issues with people constantly being there. I could tell him, "you know, i just need to be alone." and trust him to accept that.

At the same time, we've been friends so long and he's so important i'm afraid that living together could spoil our relationship. Hell, I was pretty close when I went to Europe and after 12 days of vacation I was ready to not see anyone for the rest of my life. ok, that's a little harsh. But i'm just such a space and distance based person. And I know most of it is my issues, not the people i'm around. And I just really wouldn't want anything to sour with my best and longest and favorite friend.

The other two? Sooooo dreading that. Fucking Bulldog with her goddamned brother being so incredibly rude. I'm not good with overbearing men. I'm not good with bossy people. I'm not good with condescending voice tones. There are certain things that will take me from polite and civil to outright bitchy and short. I have a tone, I know I have a tone, that I take one with people that does absolutely nothing to mask my dislike, rudeness, and anger. And with certain things I instantly take this tone. It's as if there's a very hard, unnegotiable period at the end of all of my statments. And i'm so word based I understand perfectly the strength of putting emphasis on certain words to make sentances more powerful and filled with irritation.

I just... I just don't understand not being on time for relatively professional appointments. I don't understand being an asshole to relatively adult people for no reason. I don't undetstand why a person can immediately push people around. My own family does it ALL the time. but never so inappropriately as they did. And I have very little tolerance for it.

(many sighs) I just got so desperate at the end of our house search... And I can't believe I agreed to this.... This will be a very long long long 6 months.

Other hands:

I got curtains. I love curtains. I'm very excited.
I have and assembled 2 bookcases and a dresser. Very cool.
I have my whole room planned out. also exciting.
I'm moving out of my houses soon. eek.

This could be my last time living in this room. In this house. with my parents.

How unbelievably frightening.

Overview

Actually my stomach is hurting an awful lot. I've eaten out at restaurants WAY too much this weekend.

Things I've gained since Friday:

1. First Edition Gabriel Garcia marquez book "Leaf Storm"
2. First Edition Pablo Neruda Volume III of Memorial de Isla Negra - El Fuego Cruel
3. First Edition Pablo Neruda Una casa en la arena
4. One glow-in-the-dark mom sweater from the zoo (cute bear on front)
5. Rilo Kiley Shirt says "Turn ON Rilo Kiley"
6. Rilo Kiley CD "takeoffs and landings"
7. a Tiffany Necklace
8. An M&ms monopoly
9. Blue Dream catcher
10. 3 housemates
11. A HOUSE IN SANTA CRUZ!
12. a stinging scratch on my face, near my eye
13. A parking ticket for $75.00

Things I've lost:

1. My car
2. 200+ bucks on getting back my car
3. a LOT of shit

So, overall a pretty productive weekend. I had a lot of fun although it was quite busy. Thursday, Rilo Kiley. Friday, Night Zoo and last day. Saturday, Anniversary (yay four years!). Sunday, Santa Cruz and Ikea.

Restaurants I've eaten at:

1. Mels (twice)
2. extreme Pizza(yyuucckk)
3. The Zoo Catering (eh)
4. Charlies Taqueria (stomach ache)
5. Coffee Company (just a bagel, and YUCKY bran muffin)
6. Aqua Bleu (yuck)
7. Cheesecake Factory (yuurrkk)

my stomach is kiiillllliiinnggg me. No more Restaurants for a couple of days.

Still in this Small Space

While watching the show last night my mind was flying with all the things I wanted to say. About people watching and seeing emotions flash through their body language. And about Jenny Lewis's graceful way of moving her face. And how knowing the drama and romance between the band made it so much more enjoyable for me.

But like usual, hours later it's all seemed to fade.

Not last night, but the night before. I had a dream about Casey Ward and Reid Harwood. And being in High school again. And the most present emotion was that sort of carefree, happy, unweighted, falling in love sort of feeling. That was the important part. That I associated that sort of happiness and love with being young. and running through open streets. And not with my life now. I woke up sad.

I had a happy night last night. and a happy morning. But then I came to work to feel bogged. I feel bogged down. Work does that to me. Thank GOD that today is my last day. Much happiness.

Anyways, about the show... It was fun. Hung out with Jake and Danielle (easier to refer to as JD, because we always see them together anyways. But I guess in the same way it's easy to see Adam and I as SA. which sounds better than AS. and, understandably strips one of their individuality in exchange for being a integral part of a unit. but that's a WHOLE other story). And they ARE actually my favorite of Adam's friends to a point where I consider them my friends too.

Unlike others whose names I will mention. But who I will mention as an unidentified source, Bullshit motherfucking idiotic drunk assholes that they are. You know, I got out of high school and with it came a certain sort of relief that I could stop worrying about people talking behind my back, being concerned with general "he said, she said, he saids," and general unfounded hatred towards me. But they remind me, again, that people are generally fuck heads. And that I have a weak outer shell that constantly falls victim to people degrading me. I allow what people to say to know me down. To make me feel like shit. And that's a REALLY big problem that I have. And so I tried to push all the people from my life that would make me feel like that. People who were competitive to a point where they had to put me down to make themselves feel better. People who lacked real drama in their lives and so had to create it out of thin air. People who found joy or amusement in causing other people pain. And you know, while I don't have many friends, and very few people in my life, and even less people that I TRULY care about, I did a good job of kicking out all of the bad. I don't need a lot of people. I need quality. If Adam's friends are so immature and so cruel to constantly talk shit about me behind my back with only barely knowing me. Then they aren't quality. And I wish I could separate them from my life. But I can't. And I hate that. And I know I dwell on that too much on a normal basis. But it's hard not to let it bring you down when you hear from so and so that someone someone said something or other about you and your significant other that not only hurt hurthurts you. But is also very humiliating. I don't deal well with humiliation. I can bear being walked on. I can take being disrespected more than most people can. And I can't even withstand childish anger directed at me. But when I'm humiliated it passes a line where I forget how to control myself.

Adam and his friends have humiliated me. And I won't get over that. Not now, and probably not for a very very long time. Call it holding a grudge. Call it juvenile. Call it petty. Whatever you want to call it, it isn't going to change the fact of the matter. It won't change that I have been ridiculed.

ANYWAYS, beyond all this bull crap...

I had a lot of fun at the show. I wasn't 100% because there was all this back stuff in my mind telling me that to have fun wasn't deserved or OK. But I did anyways. I absolutely love Rilo Kiley. I absolutely love Jenny Lewis. And I thought one of the guys in the band (pierre de reeder?) was really cute in that grown man sort of way. I loved how she totally rocked her sexuality with that vagina daring could show skirt. And I loved the sound of her voice.

A lot of times CDs sound better than live versions because of the different cuts and abilities to do this over that and that. But I thought they were 200% better live. Her voice was so perfect and pure and sweet. I was surprised and incredibly pleased. The crowd was a little irksome, but as is normal for a socially inept person like myself. But really, I loved it.

In a way I haven't loved anything in a long time.

On to more news... We FINALLY got a place in Santa Cruz. Already I'm not a fan of our roommates but we were getting desperate. Things are apparently much much much better with Adolfo which not only makes things easier but improves my whole quality of life. It's a cute little house, right near the mystery spot and therefore in the midst of towering chest achingly beautiful forest. It's yellow. With a little kitchen type walkway, and central living room. There are skylights. my absolute favorite. I've called the one bedroom with a skylight. And if I get it and can sit beneath the sun on warm days, and beneath the rain on bad ones... Then I'll be satisfied. what a LOAD off. phew. it's like 10 tons of weight off my chest.

Tonight is the night tour zoo thing. Which is exciting. but my camera is not only 100% dead but also at home. And my cell phone is incredibly full. Hopefully I can get at least 1 picture with me feeding a giraffe. Because I LLOOVEE giraffes. And Lions. But I don't think I'll be able to feed a lion... Again with Jake and Danielle. We're doing the dinner. the extra passes for feedings. and I even got a sweater! what a nerd, right? But I figure, why the hell not. It should be fun, tiring, and... dark?

Today is my last day of work too!!! I'm so excited. Times 1,000. I now know what it must feel like to hate your job every day, day in and day out. To an extreme. It's been a teaching experience. And helped with my determination to have a real career that I enjoy. And not something that feels like pointless slave work. There are few things I will miss...

1) my bamboo plant
2) Hanging out with my sister ALL day long
3) this keyboard and the quickness of the computer :sigh: oh, fast computer....
4) Getting to find out all the family gossip all day long
5) seeing Tsunami sometimes in the office

But mostly I'll miss hanging out with my sister. Not to say I won't be able to once I don't work here anymore. but it'll be different. Cause it isn't all day, every day. Even though I don't like her some days when we fight... she's still one of my ultimate BFFs. Also, the closest thing I have to a twin. hahah.

What else is new... hmm.... I got a haircut! it's much trendier and therefore cuter. And it makes me feel a little silly to care about my hair so much. But I like it anyway. It also feels lighter and healthier. Which is fun. I'm considering highlights. But am afraid for it's long term affect on my quality of hair. Chemicals are scary....

OK, i need to actually get a little bit of something done today!

(I'm also looking to buy a cute cool yet functionally and logical planner. Any suggestions?

Much Ado About Absolutely Nothing

Remember me one day when I wasn't absolutely sick with love...

In one aspect or another.

I've just the constitution and weak equilibrium to make me constant victim to my emotions.

And worse yet, The one I am, have always been, and fear will always be plauged with an extreme obsession with Love.

I'm constantly reminding myself that far too often I idealize or dehumanize Love. And this raises the stakes to impossible standards and leads to a relatively unsatisfied day to day living.

But what am I to do if the last thing I can seem to fall out of love with is love itself?

The Logic of the Climb

Let’s be diplomatic about this. Let’s stop ourselves from falling and look from a birds eye view.

Before the climb: make sure you’re in securely. Count the check offs. One, I’m secure. Two, secure in the right place. Three, align, or realign if necessary, until it suits who you are. Four, make sure the other is there.

To be logical we’ll say: The path is marked in red stones along the wall. The grade is written at the bottom. The goal is sectioned with tape at the top. If you use more than one color stone than the level you’re climbing is immediately less. Less worthwhile, less of an accomplishment.

There is a list of commands to reaffirm the levels of being ready. If climbing, I’ll start. The ground will respond. It’s my turn again, and this time it’s double checking looking over my shoulder “this is about to start, I’m going.” And they will respond with “Go.” Something along those lines.

Here are some tips: always be sure to look where you place your feet; do not be careless. Also, if possible back climb, always back climb. This means to retrace your steps downwards on the wall. It builds skills.

This is when the ascent will begin. It will take trust, cooperation, confidence, and sometimes a leap of faith. Once or twice, hopefully no more you’ll veer from the set course; take a green rock, or a little blue. Just to keep you going.

Do not stop too long, you’ll lose momentum. Do not fall too hard, you’ll lose determination. Do not overanalyze, you will lose courage. Do not look down, you’ll lose hope.

Most people reach the top, feel accomplished and come down. In different situations, you can stand at the top, look down, and feel true pride. Other times, you’ll never come back down. Everyone wishes for that kind of climb. The kind of climb where you’ll remain on high, when you won’t ever be put back to ground level. Few achieve this.

Where will this take me? How long will I wait? How long will I trust you with this? How many different stones must I use, distancing myself from the path, will I need to take to keep me going? Will I ever reach the goal? Will I have to descend? What will I accomplish at the end of this?

Will it be worth it?

Are you Sure?

For all my anger and huf and puff... for all my blinding fury...

I'm really just all talk and venting. When it comes down to it, i have intense guilt and regret complexes.

The moment something is done I want to take it back. I am drenched in remorse.

Here's a fun game I found... Well it isn't THAT fun, it's a little anticlimatic.

But that's ok, it's amusing nonetheless. Everyone should come play. because it's interesting.

www.lost.eu/626a4

You have to sign up though. you just can't go look and see.

it's awwessoommee

Forgiven Fantasies

Inappropriate thoughts at VERY inappropriate times this weekend. Old obsessions.


Last night:

He and I were talking. internet. just the written words scrolling throuhg my mind accompanied by chimes. A trip to the beach, maybe it was the zoo. being pulled from our new conversation to drive carload after carload of family. All I could think about was him. And that because I missed that exact moment I knew I had missed my chance. forever.

Awake to a turned back and closed arms.

Under the Blacklight

After much fighting with my mother and a lot of unneccessary comments I've found (made)t he time to read up a little bit on the new RK album:

Critics all across the board are hating on the new RK sound. The main problem they present is this: Rilo Kiley were once different, good, and special because they were witty and clever. And yes, I admit, their lyrical honesty paired with the puns and clevernesses were quite good. And this new album doesn't obviously feel clever. What they're talking (actually, singing) about isn't disguised enough. It's too... easy. It's all sex sells and eighties throwbacks and something something la la la L. A. something something. Which I'll admit, i'm not really buying. But that's ok.

What I'm more dissapointed about is the general sound. This one is jumpier and/or dancier. Like I could listen to it and do a silly strip tease (as long as I don't pay attention to the depressing subject matter of the lyrics). But it's mostly Jenny Lewis. I think she's a really great singer. Which she's really shown in a couple of songs here and there on previous albums. Of course, every song on a CD can't and shouldn't be showboat and showboat. But just one or two, ya know? None of these songs really do. She's all mid range partial talk voiced. Have you ever heard those new high school punk bands where they simply pick anyone willing to sing and allow them to sing? And it sounds kind of like a whine and kind of like a prolonged conversation, and a lot like a bug in your ear? This is slightly reminiscent of that. But mostly, I think a lot of girls can sing to a certain extent. No all or even most, but a lot can... It sounds like talking in a non abrasive tune. I can sing like that. I'm no Kelly Clarkson American Idol. But I'm not exactly ear peircing.... That's how Jenny Lewis sings these songs... Like this is the best she can do but it's only mediocre. But we all know she can sing better. She's half talk half humming singing.

And that's what dissapointed me. Oh, that and a lot of the songs have the same tone and feel. which can lead to boredom.

But overall I haven't really listened to the CD enough to know for sure. Music is like Art and Literature, the further in you dig the deeper you realize it is. The more you find to love and cherish. Once I know all the words and the proper tunes, only then can I really feel about a song. So... Maybe I'll jump in and in a couple weeks resurface with a completely different feeling.

Waiting to Explode

Disclaimer: I'm too stressed. I'm too pissed off.


Life is so much fucking bullshit right now it's fucking ridiculous.

There isn't one fucking good thing going on right now.

- Work sucks so fucking bad that I get stress induced uncontrollable stomach aches EVERY day.
- My relationship with adam is so fucked up that depending on the day I really wouldn't be surprised if we broke up.
- My family and I are fighting so bad That i can't bare to have a half second conversation without boiling over in anger or crying
- I'm starting the hardest school that i've ever been to in a subject i've NEVER studied in a month. and I don't have a fucking place to live. Great. fucking great.
- I'm fighting and have been fighting with my best friend for fucking months now over petty shit and stubbornness.

I'm just so fucking over all of this goddamned shit right now. I'm over everyone adding more to my plate and more to my plate without bothering to fucking consider whether or not I can handle it. I'm sick of people thinking they're helping me or being sweet when they aren't doing a goddamned thing but making it worse.

Right now I feel so angry and overly stressed at everyone and everything that I don't WANT anyone's help anymore. I don't want anyone to offer help now that it's too fucking late and i'm fuckign drowning here. Maybe if anyone cared enough they should have helped before it got to such a point. maybe they should have offered to help when it was a bearable fucking load.

I don't want anyone in my fucking life. I don't NEED anyone. I don't need stupid Adam and his stupid lack of planning and inconsideration. I don't need my stupid sister to talk to just to fucking tell everything I've said. I don't need my idiotic parents to demand I find a house to buy and then refuse to give any goddamned help. I don't need any friends that I'll think I can rely on and begin to love and then have them in any way hurt me, use me, or misuse me.

I'm SO sick of it all. I'm sick of the downfalls of every last one of my relationships. I'm sick of so much bad and no good. I'm sick of no one giving back to what they're taking out of me. I'm sick of feeling completely bogged down by resentment and bitterness. I'm sick of everything.

just everything.

Otra Vez

Anger.

Manic Mondays

Call it PMS, call it a phase. If you want, call it a rut or a general bad mood...

No matter what you call it, it doesn't change the fact that:

1. I hate work more than life itself
2. I am 9,000 x's irritated and sick of my family
3. It's only 10 30 in the morning on monday. there are approximately 7 hours and 4 days left of the week.
4. I hate speaking on the telephone with my parents. worse yet, I hate seeing them.
5. I'm sick of my yucky relatives picking at MY cupcakes
6. I'm cold. and i HATE daly city.
7. that there's a certain stench in the air no matter what in the daly city. literal stench.
8. I'm tired
9. I'm hungry
10. And I hate my life currently.

The Thousand Night Pain

Problems. insecurities.

Sighs. a lot of them.

I smell like the party I just cake from: too muc smoke, cheap burgers, bowl after bowl, and being outside. But I old ladied out. Came home at 11. I'm not a good people person anyways. It makes my stomach hurt.

How do I say what I feel the need to say without sounding ridiculous?

I don't know how to let go of all the things that have hurt me at my most vulnerable times. I don't know how to stop it from continuing to hurt me.

I read about it in magazines. I think about it everyday. I allow it to change who I am, how I am perceived, and the choices I make in my life, the ways I react with people...

I distance myself from the people in my life because I feel they'll never understand all of it. And I clicg so desperately to the only one who knows even though we may not be right together anymore.

Why am I doing this? again? Why do I always?

old habits die hard. Some fears never do.

Housing

I didn't win my house. House shopping is like bidding on ebay. It's relatively dissapointing when you lose too.


I'm not sad-sad. or upset. like everyone thought I would be... And I don't know if i'm pretending or not. or if it's just a mood. But I dunno...

It sucks. and I'm a little bummed. But maybe I'll find something much much better.

The Material World

Things I'm so excited about That I can barely breathe and my heart is palpitating like I'll die:

1. The Gabriel Garcia Marquez movie coming out in november. AAAAHHHHHH
2. Rilo Kiley CD + show + hanging out with JD
3. THe new Julie Delpy movie
4. Having a house and decorating it
5. THE NEW GABRIEL GARCIA MARQUEZ MOVIE!!!!!
6. Clive Owen on the cover of Details.The world's most idiotic magazine in the world. (but gotta love the clive.)
7. Buying a new phone!!!!
8. Buying pictures for my walls.
9. Getting to relax and not go to work for a week or two before school starts
10. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! GGM! MOVIE! FAVORITE BOOK **EVERR*** BECOMING A MOVIE!!!!

On other hands, we watch Becoming Jane on friday. I absolutely loved it. it actually made me cry 4 very large crocodile tears. And then made me very depressed for the lack of romance in my life. which of course made me mad at adam. which was amplified when he was too sleepy and sick to respond to me talking to him. But i'm over it now.

Our anniversary is in a couple weeks.! ahh!

Bank me Tender...

To my dear bloggerettes:

I am writing you now to vent. because I am so steamed the fuck up my head is whirling and I'm gonna fucking hit someone real goddamned soon.

And I want you to keep in mind that once upon a time ago I was some sort of sweet, mild, passive young thing that never got angry, wouldn't consider hitting anyone, and barely knew how to raise her voice. Now I have what are called "Violent Tan" tendancies.

Now, on with the story, I'm fucking pissed. I hate the goddamned bank, I'm going so far to say I officially hate all motherfucking banks.

So, because of work I used to go to the bank at least 3 times a week. And we developed a rather friendly relationship. They knew my name, I knew theirs. And hell, they know my family (through work) and I even know which schools they go to. (the tellers.) FUCKING HELL, i even brought them some sort of office christmas present Rum cake. those assholes. And while business has been pretty slow going only twice a month if we're lucky. But sure, it's all good.

But as of late the bank has been increasingly difficult. And I mean Difficult. And my patience is run out.

First, is the waiting. And the lines. At one bank I have to go to there's around 10 people in line at any given time. With 2 tellers. And somehow, Daly City is composed of the world's most difficult Bank Customers apparently so each person takes at least 15 minutes at the teller. Is it really SO hard to have a "slow person line" and a "quick" one? Have your deposit slips ready, hand them to the teller, get your cash if need be, the receipt and you're done. Should take five minutes. If even that. If you have a lot of deposits we'll allow a couple of minutes longer. But extended low voiced conversations!? What are you explaining to them?! The theorem behind your negative bank account? I really don't know what a person could be talking to bank worker for other than polite small talk. I don't know what sort of problems, questions, or explanations that are nessessary to a bank account. Do you have money? Do you not? Is there anything beyond that needed? Absolutely not. Bargaining may work in international markets or yard sales but the bank will NOT budge. Waiting over 2 minutes at the bank is too long for me. I need service and I need it now. Call me a bitch but a bank just is NOT doing it's job if you need to set aside over half an hour just to make a deposit. Banking is about convenience.

And more than just the lines and the other customers taking too long. There's also a VERY large problem with those stupid little teller girls gossiping and giggling in the bank. Please do not make time to tell the girl next to you about how the teller at some other branch said so-and-so to the district manager while looking at my check with empty eyes. Please do not leave me waiting in your little station while you go to the back and then to the front and then to the manager and then to the safe to follow the manager and then to the back and then finally to your station when you need an override. Go from point A to B. Not to every other place mindlessly wandering. It really tries my patience.

Secondly, about banks, don't treat me like a goddamned criminal every goddamned time I need cash or worse yet, a cashiers check. You have over two thousand dollars of MY MONEY that (as banking systems go) you're using to do whatever underhanded corporate maneuvering that banks do. Seriously, you can trust me when I want a measly two hundred for the weekend. You can stop giving me those evil corner eyes. And more importantly, business accounts. We have several business accounts for various DBAs or whatever. I come here so goddamned often and am practically our company representative. Because you're requesting far too many signatures, extra IDs, and account numbers for back up. It's getting a little ridiculous. Obviously, they're a bank. They can't go passing out money left and right with no verification. That's ok, I understand that. But seriously, I've been going to the same bank and seeing the same ugly people for over 2 years now. You still don't recognize me?

Well it's officially been a hour since my bank trip from hell and have finally cooled off. So I'm stopping this rant here. But I am leaving in no way satisfied.

Fable of the Mermaid and the Drunks

All those men were there inside,
when she came in totally naked.
They had been drinking: they began to spit.
Newly come from the river, she knew nothing.
She was a mermaid who had lost her way.
The insults flowed down her gleaming flesh.
Obscenities drowned her golden breasts.
Not knowing tears, she did not weep tears.
Not knowing clothes, she did not have clothes.
They blackened her with burnt corks and cigarette stubs,
and rolled around laughing on the tavern floor.
She did not speak because she had no speech.
Her eyes were the colour of distant love,
her twin arms were made of white topaz.
Her lips moved, silent, in a coral light,
and suddenly she went out by that door.
Entering the river she was cleaned,
shining like a white stone in the rain,
and without looking back she swam again
swam towards emptiness, swam towards death.

Pablo Neruda

This sinking

Sometimes I have the meanest cruelest thoughts about people. And I think it's killing my soul.

But, while I'm inclined to stop it... I'm obviously not trying hard enough.

I think over the past couple of years I opened up completely new sides of myself and while it's been a self exploration experience it has been retrogressing. In a sort of big way.

I feel like I got to a certain point and so much was taken from me. And in the process I hid away (perhaps lost) the better parts of myself.

And there's a lot to sort out. And some days i'm ready to take on the task but most of them I let my complacency and fear dictate my actions.

Nightmares over the weekend have significantly shaken me up. No matter what starts me being scared, or starts me being angry, or starts me being depressed...

In the end it's always the same thing. The same thing I am afraid of. and angry at. and depressed about. And so those are the emotions that have ruled. And so this is what I have fixated on.

Once I understood what happened I knew it would take an eternity to work through it. But I never could have guessed how it would change my relationships and the people I care most about.

Patience, courage and love are all that will sort anything out. Let's just hope Pandora remembered to close the box in time to allow those few jewels to remain within me.

Keep Dreaming

House hunting is hard, complicated, and irritating. My whole living situation is pretty much all of those right now too.

I'm sick or something like it at least 2 days of the week. And I try to blame it on my period but apparently that isn't a good excuse for the rest of the 3 weeks in every month. I guess that means 1) i'm unhealthy 2) i'm too stressed out or 3) i need more sleep.

There aren't enough hours in a day for me to sleep as much as I want. I want to sleep in till 12. Take an hour nap at 2. and then a 2 hour nap at 7. and then i want to go to bed and 3 in the morning. That'd be my dream life schedule. And while I'm talking about my dream life...

I want to write in front of a window every morning. I'd like to sit in the sun and be warm and happy till my head hurts. And I want to eat everything I just so happen to crave as much as I want. I want to buy a lot of things... clothes, furniture, shoes, books... I want to buy everything. And I want to have a home. And I want to travel. I want to see the world and get a little taste of everything. I want to be so heartfull that it inspires people. I want the ability to allow myself to be passionate about the things I believe in. And to share that with the world. I want to know all of the constellations. I want to have the worlds most comfortable bed. And room. And I want to have a lot of sex. lol. maybe that was inappropriate.

And on a much more negative side... I want to never have to come to work here. or see them. I'm 1,000 x's sick of 70% of my family.

Back to the grind of the everyday and the wonderful disrespect showered upon me by my relatives.

Self

Things:

I feel so distracted and distant from myself. At the same time I feel artistically uninspired. There's something whimsical, magical, or hopeful lacking from everything right now.

I need to get more healthy. Excercise more often. I secretly believe that if i could get into the right sort of mind frame healthwise, everything else will shape up.

I've been doing really well with taking care of myself lately. I know it isn't something to be proud of, but i am, because too often i jsut let it all go.

I haev never been so proud of someone I've never met than when I read the part of Pablo's memoir of when he won the Nobel. I was beaming.

I also want to improve my posture, eating habits, and shopping tendancies.

I need more money.

I need to find a place to live. it's stressing me out. I need more time, love, inspiration.

I also really love Tsunami.

Welcome to a New Life

Dear Life,

I know I've only officially been to my school once. And I know I have no idea what classes are like or how the people are, or even what buildings are which... But I want to say...

Already, I love my new school. Everyone is super friendly (so far) and my advisor ACTUALLY helps me. And I mean... there was an extra transcript I was supposed to fax. That I didn't know I needed to until it was too late for it to matter. In my panic I called the advising office like 3 times. and faxed it over anyways. Then at orientation, my advisor ACTUALLY remembered it. She says "You called me yesterday, didn't you..." and I'm like "yes! I did!" she remembered my name and my voice apparently. I was quite impressed.

And then there is a lower division class that I couldn't get into because it was close close closed with a capital C. I was a little worried about trying to add cause I dont like leaving things till last minute like that but I figured I'd live. AND THEN, the next working day (this all happened on a saturday) my advisor straight up calls me and is like "i know you were trying to add this class. So I have a permission number for you." and she leaves it on my voicemail.

How incredibly ridiculously helpful and sweet is that? I feel like it's being spoiled... what after my community college career and all. thi sort of real college care absolutely astounds me.

And I love it. I even bought a shirt. I love it.

And I think back to going to school in LA and how much I dreaded it. And how much I hated it. And how the whole experience right from the very very start was more bitter than it was sweet. All the signs were foreboding and the clouds never cleared.

But this time? with this? it seems so much more promising. And i'm so much more emotionally and mentally ready for it. I'm ready. And i'm happy.

Things to be apprehensive about:

1. Finding a place to live
2. Living with a roommate
3. meeting new friends
4. Being apart from Adam

Things to be excited about:

1. Having a new place to live. (squeals. eeeep. yay. wooooo. giddy giddy)
2. . . . fixing (and hopefully not making worse) a friendship with aforementioned roommate (that's probably a glum feeling. more like)
3. Meeting new friends. :-D meeting new friends.
4. Growing stronger with Adam.

Right now? other than work-panic.... I'm actually pretty content. yay. yay. woot. yay. ahhhhh.

The Pros and Cons

Things I particularly enjoy:

1. When it's particularly foggy and cold and ugly. And then it clears up and is really nice when I get out of work
2. Flipping through magazines and leaving them open to a particular page or picture in the bathroom. So everyone else sees it.
3. Meticulously organizing 500+ pictures in a very particular order so when you flip through them, you go through a journey too.
4. Doggies. all of them. Wet, fat, lazy, hyper, fluffy, big, stray, black, white, wrinkly, slobbery, adventerous doggies. Particularly a little white chow named Tsunami aka My BFF.
5. Office bungles. Particularly when your sister pretends to pour water on your head... But the accidentally does it. And we all laugh in enjoyment.

Things I actually hate:

1. When people still things from my desk. like WHOLE boxes of cookies. It's actually pretty fucked up.
2. When some lady in a red car doesn't actually check her blind spot and runs you off the road screaming in fear.
3. School provided email addresses that don't actually work and actually very difficult. With a lot, a LOT, of spam.
4. When you get yelled at for work for things that have nothing to do with you. And you secretly wish you could punch your DadBoss in the face. But you actually can't.
5. When you're actually full blown hungry all day long. even after breakfast. and lunch. and 2 snacktimes.

Revolution

Well Yuck, Yuck, yuck.

I'm so sick of dark colors, mixed messages, and being a whiny baby.

From now on, only all of the following:

• Vacation
• Summer
• Beaches
• Learning how not to be motion sick
• fun times
• dinner parties
• cool bracelets, Pablo hats, and dressing cooler
• more arts and crafts (in honor of summer)

And just a sunshineyer happier blog. As in a blog the way I live my life.

And in that spirit:

Ode to Chile

Chile, you long skinny country, you.
you're so awesome.
I know this now,
I've seen you.

I bought a lot of things from Chile
A horse, giraffe, two birds, and a mirror.

I learned a lot of Spanish in Chile
like Huesitos, Chingasos, and Frutilla.

Every day but one or two
I took Siestas.
America is so gypped without them.

I felt like the only Asian American girl in the world
in the deep inner belly of Chile.

Oh, Chile,
Home of my life heroes
Isabel and Pablo.
If you could teach me your lyrical
busy ways
ruled by the Andes, Ocean, and Heavy political history.

Home of Military coups,
overpowering imperialism euphemistically called colonialism,
Communist sentiments,
and half a million stray dogs.

I've come to love you,
Chile.

You took away my sense
of smell and taste.
Even muffled my hearing.
literally.

I will wait for the day
to prove my love.

The Good that won't come out of me...

Happy: experiencing pleasure, satisfaction, or delight

Near Antonyms: abject, aggrieved, anguished, blue, brokenhearted, dejected, depressed, despondent, disconsolate, disheartened, downcast, downhearted, forlorn, melancholy; doleful, dolorous, lachrymose, mournful, plaintive, sorrowful, sorry, woeful; black, dark, desolate, dispirited, gloomy, glum, gray (also grey), grieved, heartbroken, heartsick, miserable, woebegone, wretched

Breathe

because nothing seems to do this justice:

It's far past midnight, one o'clock, two o'clock, or three. The house seems to rumble as it settles, warmed wood pushing against one another, the cold tiles shrinking away from one another.

She lays there flat on the bed int eh darkness. She begins to concentrate lower, because it's easier. Her feet, then her calves, her knees and her thighs, her hips. This is where the difficulty begins. She focuses on relaxing her fingers, the very tips of them and then upwards. her elbows and shoulders. She stops there because relaxation stops at that point.

She imagines his hands in places she doesn't want them. She imagines the doctor's office and cold that makes her shiver so hard she cramps. She imagines the silence. She imagines the loneliness. As she conjures up each individual image her chest presses in tighter and tighter.

"breathe. Breathe" she tells herself. She thinks of all the recent fights and all of the debt accumulating. She thinks of stamps and responsibilities. She imagines it at all at once. She holds it in herself and feels the pressure gathering inside of her. She holds it all at once and all together. She closes her eyes and lets it go.

With each breath she imagines them leaving. Breathe. his hands. breathe. the cold. breathe. the secrets. breathe. the anger. the anger. breathe. the anger. breathe. breathe. breathe.

As everything released rushes to be allowed back within her she feels the emptiness inside of her. The black that fills her.

"Something nice" she thinks to herself to fill the space. And in the depth of her fingers and toes and now her hollow chest she searches for something to console her. A thought or hope or image to warm her and keep the fears at bay. "something nice. something nice" It sounds trite but those are the words.

And as she searches and thinks and digs and explores. Her eyes finally fall.

She sleeps. empty and alone.

There was nothing nice to hold her.

Something Missing

To mirror a previous list-

The Only things that excite me anymore:
1. the thought of buying furniture
2.
3.
4.
5.

Things that cause undue stress:
1. Chile
2. Friends / Adam
3. Family
4. Work
5. School
6. My own depression

Things that cause me saddness:
1. The monotony
2. every day class
3. my own demands
4. the piles of paper
6. my family

Because

I've given up on the chances of anything or anyone ever making me happy.

The only people that I don't hold at a distance are the ones that hurt me the most. I'm forgetting what everyone has ever told me about family. or about love. And I'm forgetting that I ever wanted more from you.

One day I'll leave all of this behind. and everyone will regret that they didn't hold on when they had a chance.

I have discovered so many new lows.

And On...

I sent in my secret. and when I know that no one knew. still.

I felt more alone than ever.

Easter Sunday Almosts

I saw him from across the parking lot and I knew. And he knew. and he looked at me. And we were too afraid to do anything but that. I walked away to find Adam. And Darby.

She was a golden beautiful kind of gil. the kind that smiles. the kind that seem always young. And she looked at me like she was attracted to.

and we went into her yard. and everyone was there. He was there. we got lost while everyone played and laughed and the sun caught the water in rainbows and our eyes caught the sky at sunsets.

and we didn't speak. but it was him and I and I had finally found him.

The next day to play at hiding. wit the discovery of a stalker. All of the pictures, all of our belongings. and the shame we felt at being discovered.

and then morning

Just One

Dear Life,

I'm incredibly unhappy at this moment in time. I am restless and embittered.

I hate knowing my flaws and feeling like I don't have the power or energy to right them. I hate my lack of strength in staying angry and pretending it's ok only so I can think about it every morning and every day I get the oppurtunity. I hate my own doubt. I hate saving things like emails and letters and being ashamed of my own feeling. I hate seeing what others have said and because I've harbored these other feelings letting those old words sink in with the same amount of longing. I hate that I have A One I'll always wonder about. I hate that I hide and deny all feelings. anger, hate, happiness, love. I hate that I have to constantly schedule my life and I hate what my life has become. I hate my family situation. I hate my culture situation. I hate the people and things I encounter day to day. I hate what's going on in my life. I hate that I have nothing and no one to identify with. I hate that I am so much of a nothing. I hate overhearing conversations and other people's voice and my own depression. I hate what you did to me. I hate it every fucking day. I hate love. I hate hope. I hate determination. I hate pride. I hate humility. I hate my ability to hold onto a grudge no matter how much I don't want to. I hate that I put things away and don't think about them because dealing with them will tear me apart. I hate that I'm weak. i hate that we aren't strong. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate that I'm so full of hatred. I hate how short life is. I hate how long every day is. I am so full of hate.

I want to go home. I want to go to bed. I want to sleep this all off. I want to sleep it all away. I don't want to be alone. But I'm too afraid to allow anyone to be there with me. I want a moment of silence. I want a moment of peace. I was just a second to gather myself and let it all go. I want to close my eyes. I want to feel the sounds muffled around me. I want to fade it all out. i want to fade it all out just for a moment. I'm so desperate. right now. today. no. right now. I want someone to hear me. I want someone to know. I want someone to see me. I want to know I'm not alone. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to fight. I don't want to cry. I just want to silently be there. I want someone to silently know. I want everything to fade away. only a second. only one. I want to let it all go and never allow the waves to bring it back. I want to feel the cold of the ocean. I want it to still me. Still my blood pulsing in my brain, in my ears constantly reminding me of everything that keeps me grounded. I no longer want to be grounded. I want to float away. I want to float away. I want to be weightless. i want to be above it all. I want to let it all go and let myself be carried away by forces stronger than my hatred. I never want to be brought back to shore. I'm so scared now of myself and what my life is coming to. I'm so scared of all I'll never fully be able to do because of the fear and hate inside of me. i want to be cleansed. I want to be free.

I want anything but this...

The Gardenia Carry All

I keep hoping I'll have something important to say. Important and acceptable enough to put in a blog. But I don't.

What feels like my entire life I haven't had anything to hide about myself. Maybe everything that was apart of me wasn't immediately obvious but I didn't have any deep dark secrets to be ashamed of.

I do now. And that's changed me. significantly.

I'm still the same person I was a year ago but in a sense, worse off. I'm more afraid of the things around me. I'm more indulgent to any vices I previously had and have grown new ones.

Sometimes, on days like today, it's hard to think if there's been anything positive. I'm supposed to say that i've grown and i'm a better person. But that isn't always true.

On other equally unimportant hands:

Things I've bought in the last weeks:
1. Vintage Underwood Typewriter
2. Pretty colorful sun dress
3. the most gorgeous bag in the world.

Things I've done of little significance:
1. finally cleaned my room
2. finally updated my computer, aim, and internet.
3. got accepted into only 1 school. waiting on the other
4. gone to the doctor what feels like half a million times

Things I want to do:
1. buy new furniture
2. wear more dresses
3. move out.
4. move on.
5. think of a birthday present for adam.
6. paint and decorate.
7. stop taking daytime naps
8. start doing my homework
9. buy cute shoes
10. buy my ticket to Chile.

I wish i had the artistic means and media to express the surrealistic beauty of my dreams.

Of Shadows

The only thing that brings excitement to my life are as follows:

1. Netflix Movies
2. Tsunami
3. Hearing the faux bells at school
4. TV (Grey's and The Hills)
5. Books (allende and Garcia)

Things that should excite me but have become neutral parts of the everyday:
1. Love
2. Friendships
3. A future
4. Work
5. School
6. The weather
7. Talking, Laughing, fighting.
8. Music
9. righteousness
10. loneliness


And this is what I've come to and who I've become.

The weather has been nice lately.

I'm tired. borderline exhausted.

It's so hard to balance the back and forth between the future, reality, and the side worlds in which I lose myself.

Day to day I'm reminded of where I really am. And mourn the loss of my fantasies.


I don't want to go back to LA. I don't want to see the carpet and the walls and the elevator and the hallways. I don't want to be there again.

I've said my last goodbyes and going back feels like returning forever.

There are many things a woman must go through alone. No matter how much she needs companionship. No matter how much she feels she cannot.

Sometimes I am afraid that one of them is Love.

Thinking of past relationships I've been trying to organize what's happened and accept it. I've always been the type of person to love quickly and easily. To hate easily and quickly. Only years later can I really decipher what I was truly thinking and feeling. And how contrary I was acting.

Revealed

http://itexplodes.blogspot.com/2007/01/post-my-secret.html

Have we refused Loud enough?

I'm not always sure exactly what's gone on. I don't know the difference between real reasons and personal justifications. I don't really understand the power of self denial. What do we do with the secrets we're too ashamed to admit to even our closest friends? With secrets we barely want to admit to ourselves?

And when we're forced to how do we deal with the weight of the burden hanging from our necks?

What's the difference between things that should never have happened and things we're merely ashamed of? How do we know if we allow things to happen or if they're simply our fault?

The realization and discovery of old mistakes stands much closer to our backs than we see.

Who is to be held accountable for the irreprable damages of a year ago?

Who is responsible for the shame?

Velvety Fur

Dream:

Like watching a movie I went through the pains of birth. Quick screaming montage with sweaty hair, hand squeezing, and screaming. And then I brought a life into the world.

It was nameless. Simply, My Baby. And I knew I had never loved anything more.

My baby was a bunny. a very large bunny. And I held it in my arms just as anyone would do to their baby. It was grey and white. with big ears and a cute dome shaped bunny head. And it was incredibly soft. unbelievably soft. And I love my soft-furred bunny baby. I cherished it.

And I brought it to a family party in a restaurant / dance club. And everyone wanted to hold and pet My Baby. But everyone carried it here and there. But they were getting to close to the speakers and I knew that the loud noise was hurting My Baby's ears (given that they were large bunny ears). And so I coddled and protected her like a loving mother would.

And then, even though my baby was only 2 days old as I was putting her into her carseat and holding the handle she said her first word. "Hanger" in regards to the handle of her carseat. and she was only two days old. And I was beaming with pride. My wonderful, soft, loving, sweet, bunny My Baby said her first word at only two days old. And I couldn't wait to brag.

I know I don't want any children. But I think I miss the overflowing affectionate proud love that I felt for my Bunny Baby.

My Baby was something like this but bigger and softer and grey.

Progression

Dear self,

Bah humbug to school. and to future planning. and my family's expectations. and my own dissapointments. Schools return answers for acceptance or not in a couple of months. I dread it. What will I do with myself? What will I do for the rest of my life?

My family wants me to have a dependable, responsible, respectable career. But what does that mean? What does that imply?

How does one tell the difference between something they're really interested in and something they want to do for the rest of their lives? Sometimes I think at one point in my life I had the potential to be something wonderful. And everything beat it out of me. The things I have met with have quieted me. I have never known the language in which to express myself.

Or I could be copping out. I just have no talent. and no ability. I don't know how to commit to my decisions. and I don't know how to finish the things that I start.

I am a failure. And that is the real root of my unhappiness. Even worse, I have had the ability to succeed but out of laziness I chose to fail. And now it's too late. And that is the root of my unhappiness. And that it far more contemptible than being born a failure.

I was raised in a home of oppurtunists and office workers. And I convinced myself that I had so much more to offer. Only to realize in early adulthood, in my second prolonged ugly stage that my life is so much more meaningless than I had hoped.

I have nothing to offer anyone. let alone the world. I have fallen into the masses of the mediocre.


and I have an eternity of a lifetime to contemplate my mistakes.

I feel disconnected.

don't i always?