Sometimse i get sick of wearing my ring. Albeit Pretty...
Sometimes i get sick of hearing of him. I don't want to know whose going to whose house where i wasn't invited. I'm sick of people thinking i'm not over it. and i'm sick of people not getting over it themselves.
He's left me. He's broken my heart. And so i'm moving on with my life. I refuse to make any apologies about it anymore.
I've been sad. I've been hurt. I've been so many goddamn things.
But now, I'm angry. I'm hateful. I'm bitter. And for the first time i'll admit... It's his fault. There's a list of thigns i like to blame on him. slightly because it gives me excuse and justifies my actions. partly beacause he inspired it. I trust less than i used to. I believe in myself a whole lot less than i was prepared for. I'm scared and i let that rule my actions. Which is slightly his fault. He has instilled the belief in me (ok, we'll be honest, he didn't putit there. but he sure as hell reinforced it) that i'm just not good enough. I'm practically impossible to love. I'm emotionally inaccessible in ridiculous ways and i'm just all around unmanagable. And yes, that's my fault....
But i will no longer feel guilty for hurting.
He's left me. He's left me. He's left me.
He doesn't call. he doesn't make attempts.
If he really cared he could have tried to save it.
And that's ok. I've come to terms with that. For all these past months id tell myself, like a mantra "a lot can be said for hope and love" and i was always secretly hoping you wouldn't leave. that you'd realize i could be worth staying. I kept wishing, very selfishly wishing that you'd stay. Deep inside me i still harbored the hope that you'd get so far as into the plane until it hit you. Movie style.
But you won't realize. and you won't stay. You won't turn back around and climb up my window sill.
And now, even if you did... I wouldn't take you back.
Door Closed.
I Loved You. I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for. But "us" has ended.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Black Raspberry Vanilla
I've decided all of the following:
- I look sexy in black undergarments and only that.
- Taking showers all the damn time is mega fun.
- School is dumb. but hey! i'm not falling too behind...
- i might be one of those crappy dumb girls who's always in a relationship. :shrug: oh well.
- Dreams at night that make you wake up so stressed out you're angry are no fun.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
List of the Things:
1) i haven't slept all night because Adolfo and i stayed out until 4 eating popsicles and going to vista points and beaches. We went home and then out again for chai's and sunrise over the golden gate. (see pictures).
2) i had pizza that made my stomach very angry. i was pretty yucky sick for all of an hour. took a shower to wash it away.
3) in accordance with my new years resolution i have been MUCH cleaner than usual. score points for me.
4) the tunnel wishes i've made in the pst couple of days in this order. "I hope adolfo and i can stay utterly in love as long as we can be. no drama. no betrayals. just love." and then "I hope adolfo can find someone to love-love him. to be completely worth it. long term. life changing. even if it means he won't need me anymore. I jsut want him happy."
5) i've told myself i'd call and see adam today. What i'll do most likely? sleep all day.
6)i'm still wonderfully in love with my stuffed lion.
7) Sunrise is fucking beautiful. Kelly clarkson is pretty awesome.
8) watched brokeback mountain. made me almost cry twice. i've recently realized that i love the feeling of tears streaming down my face. Maybe i'll miss it. Most likely i won't. Last time i cried was last i talked to adam (tuesday).
9) I'm going to be SO fucking cozy in my bed.
10) FUCKING PRESIDENTS WEEKEND!
Thursday, January 26, 2006
A Moment Like This
i've spent the morning naked, hair wet, reading poetry, and listening to damien rice.
Without You
Spirits hide in fists
Of the left-behinds.
Hide in hearts
Of the unresolved.
Wind
With its teeth bared
Growling, drooling,
Prowling
Through death markers.
Cobblestones.
You lay here.
Closer. Closer
To your decay.
Rotting. Wretched.
I’ll reach into the mud
Into the death dirt.
“Please,” I’ll say.
And as my hand tightens
On your bare bones
You will waken from your hell.
Raked with set jaw and full force.
Dragged, pried, crushed into re-existence.
Sucked into your corpse.
Your old sailor bones will be brittle.
Your mouth empty of teeth long rotted away.
Your decrepit lungs expanding and collapsing. Wet hollow gags.
Your eyes rolling into the back of your head, working to focus on the nothing left inside.
No compassion.
No mercy.
As every last bit of you is thrown to the ground.
Garbage.
(Assignment #1: grandparent poem)
Of the left-behinds.
Hide in hearts
Of the unresolved.
Wind
With its teeth bared
Growling, drooling,
Prowling
Through death markers.
Cobblestones.
You lay here.
Closer. Closer
To your decay.
Rotting. Wretched.
I’ll reach into the mud
Into the death dirt.
“Please,” I’ll say.
And as my hand tightens
On your bare bones
You will waken from your hell.
Raked with set jaw and full force.
Dragged, pried, crushed into re-existence.
Sucked into your corpse.
Your old sailor bones will be brittle.
Your mouth empty of teeth long rotted away.
Your decrepit lungs expanding and collapsing. Wet hollow gags.
Your eyes rolling into the back of your head, working to focus on the nothing left inside.
No compassion.
No mercy.
As every last bit of you is thrown to the ground.
Garbage.
(Assignment #1: grandparent poem)
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
I Wanted You To Know
I've seen the rings of Saturn. The icy white. icy white.
I've seen her moons. backwards, forwards. Through the tiny spot telescope.
I've seen pleidades with too many stars to count. Nebula with shining arms.
I've let it take my breath away.
I've seen her moons. backwards, forwards. Through the tiny spot telescope.
I've seen pleidades with too many stars to count. Nebula with shining arms.
I've let it take my breath away.
Without You
Spirits hide in fists
Of the left-behinds.
Hide in hearts
Of the unresolved.
Wind
With its teeth bared
Growling, drooling,
Prowling
Through death markers.
Cobblestones.
You lay here.
Closer. Closer
To your decay.
Rotting. Wretched.
I’ll reach into the mud
Into the death dirt.
“Please,” I’ll say.
And as my hand tightens
On your bare bones
You will waken from your hell.
Raked with set jaw and full force.
Dragged, pried, crushed into re-existence.
Sucked into your corpse.
Your old sailor bones will be brittle.
Your mouth empty of teeth long rotted away.
Your decrepit lungs expanding and collapsing. Wet hollow gags.
Your eyes rolling into the back of your head, working to focus on the nothing left inside.
No compassion.
No mercy.
As every last bit of you is thrown to the ground.
Garbage.
“Look at her.
My mother.
Your daughter.
See her bruises. Her bruises.
Mind and body bruises.
See her bruises.
See the frailty of her jaw.
Broken.
See the delicate line of her body.
Twisted.
Because of you.
See the way she’s grown.
See the way she has loved.
See the way she has given.
The way she’s learned without you.
-- Without you.”
(assignment #1: Grandparent poem)
Of the left-behinds.
Hide in hearts
Of the unresolved.
Wind
With its teeth bared
Growling, drooling,
Prowling
Through death markers.
Cobblestones.
You lay here.
Closer. Closer
To your decay.
Rotting. Wretched.
I’ll reach into the mud
Into the death dirt.
“Please,” I’ll say.
And as my hand tightens
On your bare bones
You will waken from your hell.
Raked with set jaw and full force.
Dragged, pried, crushed into re-existence.
Sucked into your corpse.
Your old sailor bones will be brittle.
Your mouth empty of teeth long rotted away.
Your decrepit lungs expanding and collapsing. Wet hollow gags.
Your eyes rolling into the back of your head, working to focus on the nothing left inside.
No compassion.
No mercy.
As every last bit of you is thrown to the ground.
Garbage.
“Look at her.
My mother.
Your daughter.
See her bruises. Her bruises.
Mind and body bruises.
See her bruises.
See the frailty of her jaw.
Broken.
See the delicate line of her body.
Twisted.
Because of you.
See the way she’s grown.
See the way she has loved.
See the way she has given.
The way she’s learned without you.
-- Without you.”
(assignment #1: Grandparent poem)
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Mad Hot Ballroom
Schools been good i guess. And while i hate having to go on occassions we all know deep down i enjoy it. School until 10... it's fun, seriously.
I had ballroom last night and omg it was awesome. I don't think i've ever really partner danced before. well, aside from clubbbing and we all know that's just dry sex. but it was like there were these set moves. structures. but within them there was a certain sort of sensuality.
ok, i'll come right out and say it, it was like sex. Being that close to someone being completely aware of their body language and signs. the hips moving. the loud music. slightly out of breath. the eye contact all sexy like.
or maybe i just got a good partner. cause all the other guys i danced with were pretty shitty. but my main "first partner" was this guy named memet or some other such spelling. (sounded like emmett with an M in the front?). and it was nice to be lead around by a guy without them being pushy or timid. but assertive. hott. either way, he was from cyprus. spoke turkish.
it's a good class to make friends. or... class friends at least.
Ballet is going ok i guess. but... erhm... it sucks cause i have my period.
twice in a month. it's cause the stress. life is so dumb.
and i'm going to the doctor for my throat issues...
and, let's see... what else is new.... uhm... nothing.
I had ballroom last night and omg it was awesome. I don't think i've ever really partner danced before. well, aside from clubbbing and we all know that's just dry sex. but it was like there were these set moves. structures. but within them there was a certain sort of sensuality.
ok, i'll come right out and say it, it was like sex. Being that close to someone being completely aware of their body language and signs. the hips moving. the loud music. slightly out of breath. the eye contact all sexy like.
or maybe i just got a good partner. cause all the other guys i danced with were pretty shitty. but my main "first partner" was this guy named memet or some other such spelling. (sounded like emmett with an M in the front?). and it was nice to be lead around by a guy without them being pushy or timid. but assertive. hott. either way, he was from cyprus. spoke turkish.
it's a good class to make friends. or... class friends at least.
Ballet is going ok i guess. but... erhm... it sucks cause i have my period.
twice in a month. it's cause the stress. life is so dumb.
and i'm going to the doctor for my throat issues...
and, let's see... what else is new.... uhm... nothing.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
We Now Have Separate Lives
And to make the tears come i'll make you a list.
The things i'll miss the most these coming months:
1) the curl of our bodies pressed exactly into one another. my back against your front. your arms wrapped arounds, fingers intertwined. how comforting that was. how comfortable.
2) the graceful almost feminie curve of your stomach and hips. the way i've always found you to be absolutely beautiful. because that's what love does.
3) the times when you would come into my house without me letting you in and you'd sit next to my bed and brush my hair and kiss me sweetly until i woke up. and you'd be the first thing i saw.
4) the way you smell.
5) the look on your face just before you said you loved me.
The things i've already forgotten that i wish i didn't:
1) the way it feels to kiss you.
2) how it felt to be happy and in love.
The things i'll miss the most these coming months:
1) the curl of our bodies pressed exactly into one another. my back against your front. your arms wrapped arounds, fingers intertwined. how comforting that was. how comfortable.
2) the graceful almost feminie curve of your stomach and hips. the way i've always found you to be absolutely beautiful. because that's what love does.
3) the times when you would come into my house without me letting you in and you'd sit next to my bed and brush my hair and kiss me sweetly until i woke up. and you'd be the first thing i saw.
4) the way you smell.
5) the look on your face just before you said you loved me.
The things i've already forgotten that i wish i didn't:
1) the way it feels to kiss you.
2) how it felt to be happy and in love.
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