List Me To the Moon

To do by 11 o'clock:

Clean
Dress
Pack
Print all articles
Wash dishes
start and finish 5 page paper
take out garbage

That's it!!

To do by Monday:

Read all articles.
do... 2 study sheets.
One take home final
Prepare for one essay exam
coordinate when I'm moving home
and stuff....

To do before end of life:

relax a little.

I am filled with the silence, the music, and the screams of the entire world. They press on the cage of my insides and i feel like i am crying even when my eyes are dry and i am silent.

I want so desperately to not feel so alone.

Desolation

I'm sad. I feel isolated. I feel so alone. This entire time being in LA i've felt physically and emotionally alone.

But right now I feel like all of the great relationships i've worked to build in my life aren't so great because of my shortcomings and my needs. I feel distanced.

I feel deserted.

I feel like this entire time i was forming these relationships around gaurds to myself that I know never work anyways. And these guards, i will admit, are sometimes (and other times not) in response to the guards I see others building from me. I feel like everyone has distanced themselves from me. and in return I furthered the distance.

What was I supposed to do? continually push?

ANd now the distance that I have created has become so great that there are no longer connections enough to bridge the gap.

I feel so desperate and hopeless. I feel like nothing could help me anymore. Like the cold has soaked into my soul.

And the only thing that has been able to revive any life feelings within me I could call genuine have been from the books I've read and I want to shirk life and my responsibilites and my connections and all of my people to dissappear and unbecome and to evaporate and to be absorbed

into these false worlds made of words.

I want someone to talk to, simply enough. to talk-talk to. to completely open up to. about the one hundred meaningless things and the two hundred meaningful things. I've realized that my life is lacking in communication with other girls. Because we are a different species within ourselves with different forms of communication and support. and i really wish i had that right now. i really really wish i had that.

at one point i saw my depression as drowing. very similar to literal drowning. As in being pulled under by waves and losing the feeling of control and the sort of hush beneath water. and the gasping and fighting and pulling for air. and some people get too tired of fighting and they give up. and the rest of us have to hope that we find refuge. or are saved.

but the feelings i'm feeling now? they're much less violent and strong as a struggle for life against the cruel elements of nature. This doesn't feel like death. It is desolation. I am in a desert and I have enough food and water to last me long enough. The sun isn't hot enough to blister my skin or anything as dramatic as that. I'm simply on flat desert land and caked dirt. no moving sand. and as far as my eyes can see in either direction there is only this. I could be lost. I could be going in circles because there's no way to mark or direct. only emptiness and desert. I feel hopeless that I'll ever find civilization again and my voice seems to have dried out other than the conversations i'm holding within my mind. It's long and monotonous. and most of all it is lonely.

I feel so done and tired with friendships and relationships. I feel so tired of the guess and check and the love and hate and the hit or miss. I am so tired of being alone and pretending I need no one. I need people in my lives. I need a social network. I need friends to talk to, and friends to party with, and friends to hang out with, and friends for all of it with. I need any sort of society. I need civilization again.

I will include no justification for my thoughts for they're only merely that: thoughts and feelings. And I wish I had something to share it with other than faceless readers. or none at all.

In Four Years

It's amazing how much I miss the space my things took up.

Amazing how I can feel so over.

I don't have anything to say anymore. I'm not angry. I just have nothing more to say to you.

Helpless

The past few weeks have been a really hard time for me. I think I always say that. But difficult is an understatement.

There are different sorts of pain. And I think this is just a different kind. The only time that I can imagine being so unhappy was when Adam was gone. But then it was a different sort of pain. It was growing through experience and hardships.

I feel this is for nothing.

I have never been so hopeless and agonized. I have never dreaded each moment. My depression has never been such an incredible blow as this. I cannot get through every day. I cannot remain optomistic.

There is no other word for it than "hopeless." And it scares me. Because I don't know what this sort of agony is capable of. I don't know what I can do. I am unaware of the next step in this. Can it get worse? Will it get better?

I'm going home soon. And a part of me is so afraid that when I leave here this pain won't leave my body. I'm scared this will always haunt me. and follow me and overshadow my ever move. What sort of fear has this failure caused? What sort of chances will I lose because of that fear? What will I regret when I have time to see the larger picture? What will the rest of my life be like because of the decisions I have made today?

Every time I look back at last spring it still hurts me. It's still this wound that refuses to heal. Will this time in my life be the same? Will I always think of LA and will it always break my heart?

I'm afraid for the rest of my life because I'm afraid of tomorrow. I'm afraid that at the end of each day I won't be proud of who I am and I won't be able to say that I was brave. What has my life led me to? What have I led my life to? The whole world is before me and I'm afraid of doing the wrong things. And i'm afraid who I am.

The only thing that has come from this is that it has cemented my relationships at home. And I know who my real friends are. Not that I wasn't sure before. But now I know that I can let myself go when I need to. And that they'll be there to catch me. And I hope that one day I can be a good enough person and be strong enough to help them stand if they ever need me to. I have love in my life. From my family, from adolfo, and from adam. And if it weren't for those three pillars of support in my life I would be lost. Their love has kept me afloat while I have been drowning. The whole world is wrong for me now. Except for them.

life sucks a lot right now. I"m trying to be better. and maybe today won't be so bad.

I'm crocheting a scarf for adam. and i made a tree of wires and pretty things.

going home this weekend. and then next week for T-day. and then the weekend after that.


and then i think i'm home for good. thank god.

I feel like shit. i've cried so much all day it hurts to breathe and open my eyes. I tried to wash it all away and it only tightened my throat.

my head hurts. my body hurts. everything just hurts. everything is just so tired and sore and worn. I'm so drained.

It's just so... shitty. i haven't eaten and there's nothing to eat in my house. i've slept too much but i feel like it hasn't been long enough.

Brighter than Sunshine

I have a playlist of songs that make me feel as if my heart is opening. blooming. The songs touch me. ANd whether i'm in a wonderful mood or an awful one they move me.

And I love feeling like I have some sort of internal life and world. That only I get to be a part of. That no one can exploit.

I have a part of me that is sacred and wonderful and beautiful.

And I have seen this in so many people that I have loved, respected, and sometimes hated.

And it's nice to see it in myself.

I am in love with what is Essential Humanity. And nothing can take that away from me.