arriage.
What a big word. What a big meaning. To some people it means phony commitments and to more others it's a statistic of divorce.
It isn't the idea of marriage that scares me. Adam and I have been together for over 6 years now. Most of them spent in relative happiness. We don't fight or yell or go crazy. We don't play head games or love games or toy with each other's emotions. We've been told more than once that "we're doing it the right way. the good way." At least, so far as relationship dynamics and the healthiness of them go. I don't doubt that. Being with Adam forever isn't what scares me. That's the most normal, easiest to swallow, simple thing for my brain to accept.
But there's something much bigger looming at almost the exact same moment the marriage begins:
Planning the wedding is looming. I have to start doing more than loko at pretty pictures eventually. And people are wrong to assume that it's JUST my wedding. A lot of girl's think that the only whims they have to cater to are their own. Maybe that's right for them. To me? Wrong, wrong, wrong.
Adam's expectations and desires are equally as important as my own. And then there are our families. Obviously they aren't equals to myself or Adam but their opinions definitely come into play. It's like a REALLY big group project whose repercussions will be felt mostly by me.
I don't want anyone to feel left out but I don't want a large wedding. I don't have the budget for a destination wedding but I don't really want one here either. Some girls don't like certain dresses, some mom's want a something something. Both of our fathers are insisting on tradition which I'm highly opposed to.
We haven't been able to decide one measly thing other than the season. Summer. Even though Summer is "wedding season" and therefore overplayed and typical. I'm just a summer kind of girl. Ever since I can remember summer has meant more to me and is looked forward more to than anything else. The long days, the romantic feelings, the sun sun sun. I'm a summer girl.
Where will we have it? What kind of place? How far is too far? How extravagant is too extravagant?
And weddings are SO hyped up like they'll be the greatest day of your life but do people REALLY enjoy just one day THAT much? Setting it up so high only makes me feel liek there's only room for dissapointment. But at the same time, I can't BEGIN expecting it to be dissapointing or mediocre. I never aim for middleground so why should I now?
As of yet I haven't completely thought out whole thoughts. I've barely had time to digest moving and it's already time for the holidays. After the holidays it's the engagement party. So maybe after all of that I'll have enough time and space to really plan, think, and swallow and this won't be that big of a thing and I won't dread it and I won't keeping thinking, "weddingweddingweddingweddingwhatarewedoingforourwedding?"
(Also do take note of the really awesome site Daily Drop Cap where I got my fancy letters)