The Weekend

In a nutshell!

Friday we went to dinner and then to Left Bank for a quick bite of fondue to celebrate my good grades. Then home early. And then I fought with Suko.

Saturday we.... oh yea! we went to Golden Gate Park. We tried to see the buffalos (Tatankas) but they were in the back paddock. Instead we took pictures with a tree. And then we parked at the sfMOMA lot. Went to the metreon. Hung out there for a whiiiiiile. Going to the stores and such. My favorite pitstop bookstore Chronicle books. and I was FINALLY able to make someone read that scary book "THe House that Crack Built." And we played at the arcade and claw machine emporium for awhile. We discovered too late the wonder of the "Deal or No Deal" game. It's ok though, we got a couple of games in. And let's see... our ticket prizes were... a bunch of crap. a little plastic toy chair game, a whoopee cushion, some candy, and other useless cheap junk. And inthe claw machine I won, not one, but TWO plastic rubber balls. the good kind. THey've got little bumps on them and bounce really well. And then we watched Miss Pettigrew lives for a day.

Review of Miss Pettigrew: It was a generally cute movie. Kind of like Definately, maybe. Super cute and kind warm make you feel goodish. But not like... of deep emotional value. lol, I don't think it was supposed to be? The way I like my movies are the ones that somehow turn really horribly bad and break my heart a little. I want a movie that rips apart my insides and I have a physical, literal, unbearable ache where my heart should be. I liken it to a pulling sensation that shortens my breath. And then it all magically, yet plausibly, works out. It's all happy and makes me believe in hope and love and life again. It's all warm and fuzzy and absolutely perfect. Lol, those aren't high standards, trust me. Miss Pettigrew never had that. It was like small sad, medium happy, sad eyes, small tension, happy happy happy. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed it and would readily reccomend it to a friend depending on which friend. But I won't add it to the Top 10.

So after the movie, home to play with the bunny. No fights. good sex.

Sunday:

We had an earlier than normal start to sunday (only 11:45. not early, i know). WE ate lunch at Dumpling King. It wasn't as good as i've tasted it previous, but not too dissapointing. Then Grace left to pick up VIcky.

Adam and I went to Japantown and FINALLY got to explore it when everything was open. Everytime we've been there it's been approximately closing time! There were more cherry blossoms, but we took no pictures. Pretty windy out. Really busy. Looked at toy shops longer than I should have. I want a Cactus pup. And then to the stationary store for school supplies!

I bought 3 notebooks. Took me FOREVER to pick them. They're all the same. They're a pretty simple thing. No lines, a sort of decorated fron tthat says something generic like "Notebook. Finest quality paper for better writing." Something alone those lines... The paper is a little smoother than I'd prefer, but they were all pretty fine. I love rough paper. TO me the worth of paper lies in texture and color. I like something rough and a little gritty. I love my paper thick and luxurious. But, these will do for now. I didn't buy Airmail paper although I should have. I only love it with ALL of my guts in a very primitive, lustful, uncontrollable sort of way.

I spent FOREVER looking to a good tipped (fine but not too fine), gel ink, clicker pen in green. Without a rubber "grip" sort of thing near the end. (I know I'm incredibly picky. But hell, if I'm gonna buy it I might as well LOVE it, right!?) But I didn't find any. I looked for a very long time, almost settled on a fountain pen.

Also bought animal end post stickies. Like the kind to mark the pages? I thought they were cute and was getting VERY sick of the default post-it kind.

And now?

Just watching Adam do his homework, fucking around online, and gonna go meet Grace and VIcky for dinner soon.

Oh yea, AND I start school on Tuesday. Job Hunt officially starts tomrrrow.

OH, and speaking of school.... I got straight A's. Not as straight as I'd like them i'll admit. I got 2 of my grades back and they were A's. I was very proud and announced to everyone (prematurely) that so far, I had a 4.0. But I TOLD them, I was waiting for one more. But we celebrated anyways (friday and saturday) and then I checked my grades again, I got the last one. It's an A-. What a BUMMER. And I know I sound like a total baby... But... now I have a 3.97. Which is REALLY awesome if you're expecting straight B's. But.... I was expecting straight A's. I mean, i DID get straight A's!!! I'm just too hard on myself, like always.

Ok, I'm done for now.

The Weekend Pt. II

And here is my sister and I. We look alike when we're right next to each other... right? That and I got a new haircut. When my hair is all done and prettier than normal I look more like my mom and sister. And then here's Adam and I. I felt pretty gay... But had to take it to be nice. the second one is cuter than the first. And the last picture was me trying to jump in the air. I thought i looked too cool for school

The Weekend

We found an absolutely incredible cherry blossom tree in Golden Gate Park. It was in bloom, fragrant, and absolutely romantic. So I climbed it! It was exciting to feel like a kid again. I love climbing trees. Well, the easy ones at least. Here's a picture of me looking awkward through the pretty flowers while adam focuses and refocuses on me not looking natural but trying to. A picture of the flowers that adam took. Me climbing the tree. Me scaring Adam in the tree by shaking it around. And Adam, looking up at me, ready to catch me.

Strange Happenings

Last night:

My teeth were all falling out. I was at a dentist, she wasn't sure if she could save them. gold caps, oversensitive ones, and gapped gums. It was disgusting. I was afraid I would lose all of them. They all hurt.

Night before last:

An all star cast sort of dream. I was no character. A boy (played by some guy from seventh heaven) was driving down a road, quickly stops on the side (92, near the reservoir), stressed. A girl walks up (also from seventh heaven, how weird, right?!) and he puts his hands on her arms. They are plump, white, and soft. They love each other but it's somehow strained. "what are you doing here?" they ask each other. BOth of their answers are the same, "I was meeting you halfway." They get into his car and drive to a motel. I think they might elope.

Suddenly, because dreams do this, instead of the Seventh Heaven couple it's this old really disgusting old man and lindsey lohan. Funny, huh? And they're together for more questionable reasons. Her parents and the cops arrive at the door and they're screaming at each other through it. Lindsey is mad at her mother, something about never really loving her. This is what she does. The old man watches on in a wife beater and boxer shorts, no hair, in a wheelchair, looking... old and gross.

Night before that:
I was Carrie from Sex and the City. No joke, I swear it. And it was my wedding day to Big. I think I was gonna back out because Miranda was looking at me very worriedly and charlotte was lecturing me that marriage wasn't something to laugh about and i needed to be serious. She was painting my nails and it was the only thing I was really focusing on. When I woke up I thought my nails would really be paints.

Night before that:
We were in a hotel room in Vegas (i'm a world traveler in dreams) and I was mad at Adam. I was steamed. He was pissing me off. Someone knocked on the door, I looked through the little circle, and saw it some a suspicious looking maid. Because I was angry I thought I'd be mean to Adam so I let in the maid without telling him, and quickly went into the bathroom for a shower. When I came out he was dead. I was triumphant, worried, and frantic. I tried calling my mom and my sister to help me hide the body but the line wouldn't go through, it was a hotel phone. So I had to call the bellhop. What a sick turn of events. So the bellhop and I are struggling to move a very blueish-green Adam out of the hotel room and onto one of those bellhop cart majiggers. We accidentally hit ADam's suitcase and out falls a rose and a ring box. Inside was an engagement ring, supposed to be MY engagement ring. And then everythign stopped. While I stood there looking at it. I regretted that a man had lost his life and lost his chance to finally devote his undying love. I felt bad for letting him get killed.

Eagle Eyes

I'm super tired.

I have a lot of unpacking and arranging to do.

I'm supposed to be a good girlfriend and go hang out with my boyfriend tonight. But i'm lazy to drive over there. And I feel bad making him drive over here. Oh, the choices, the choices.

My room is shaping up. Pictures to come eventually.

As of recent:

1. gone to the Legion of Honor
2. Hung out with Tiffany
3. FINALLY went to Andrea's to offer advice on curtains
4. Got super cool keys to Adam's place
5. Finally made an appearance at a family party much to my chagrin
6. Unpacked all unpackable boxes.
7. A crap load of laundry and folding.

Attempting to regulate sleeping schedule. Difficult. Love too much sleeping life style of college lazy bum.

Must find job soon. And finish my resume. blahhh

New Plans

I plan to start putting pictures up here much more often. Making it more of a picture blog rather than a writing one.

Its just hard on me, cause I generally hate taking pictures. I get embaressed.

Will try harder more often though. And actually charge my camera more than once a year.

Like Its Ours to Keep

The end of finals... The end of yet another quarter... Two down, only two to go.

I feel like I'm cheating myself by not double majoring. But I also feel guilty to stay any longer. Like it's so easy to throw away a thousand bucks a month. I mean, education isn't THROWING it away, per se. But it sure isn't easy to think that 3,00 per quarter is EASY.

But in my defense, I do truly appreciate it. And I feel like I am more grateful for all of my educational oppurtunities than some other people I know. I take full loads every chance I get, I try not to miss many classes. I'm doing well. But more importantly I actualy truly feel like I'm really learning. Like everything I read is blowing my mind.

I love that feeling.

Housing situation was a winner. (rolls eyes). You win some, you lose some. I won the war, I lost some friends. I won some self respect, I lost a couple of shit faces in my life. Most importantly, i've won, they've lost.

Or something like that...

It's strange to think of the things people do and why. I hope that in some odd years I'll be able to look back on this whole mess and understand it. And in retrospect, learn to forgive it. There are few emotions that I hate more than anger. It's the feeling of being misused, humiliated, and/or shocked. I've felt these and many more emotions in the past months. And it makes me a little sad to say it took me all of 21 years to come to the conclusion that I can still be a good person and refuse to be treated like shit, walked on, and generally taken advantage of. But I guess I'm glad it came now. Better late than never.

Still happy overall. I have a very few small amount of people in my life that mean a lot to me. But they deserve it in every way and I appreciate them every day. Someone (or a lot of ones) told me that I put too much value in people, and it's hard to live up to that. I don't believe in those same sort of ideals. What am I supposed to do? Value everyone as very little so they won't dissapoint, and live a relatively empty life? Not my cup of tea.

The people in my life now, the very very few, are incredibly horribly valuable to me. And losing one more could very well shatter my very heart that is so much apart of me. And sometimes that is incredibly frightening. But it's worth it.

My life is rich and I am happy. I go through the day satisfied, content, and generally settled. There was someone I loved more than I thought possible. And in a matter of months had to deal with the repercussions of their horrible behavior, inconsideration, disrespect, and denigration.

No matter how much I love someone, I'll never let that happen to me again. I will never stand by the wayside, while the guns are all aimed at me.

I guess that's all.

To Whom it May Concern,

You matter so little to me now, it's almost surprising.

You took it too far. And now you're so distant you are of insignificant size. Hah.

Hows that for emasculating.

We Are Not Alone

Anymore...

Torn

I've had a really hard time adjusting to life lately. Being pulled from fighting depression and just being depressed.

The thing is... My heart is broken. And i'm really hurt. a little shell shocked. And sad.

I miss having my best friend. I really really do. And I think about it behind everything I'm thinking about.

I'm having a great time with all of my friends. We're all laughing and I love life. I love this life I've built for myself. I love everything. I love my family. I love school. I love my friends. I love Adam. Hell, sometimes I even love being so transitory and practically living out of my car.

But I loved him too. And I don't know how to stop doing that. And I miss loving just one more person.

I don't want him back in my life. and I don't think I could love him again... But... it's still really really hard for me.

Everyone says that it will take time. I'm trying to give it time. I know everything will be ok...

Its just that right now? Right now is really hard.

I'm torn between crying uncontrollably to laughing uncontrollably. I feel so manic. so bipolar. So insane.

And then i remember that there's a reason for this. That i'm not just making these things up. They aren't chemical botches in my brain. I am sad. i am happy. 

If it weren't for Adam and Grace I would be completely lost. 

I just... I thought, hell, I thought I knew that he would be the one person to be in my life for the rest of it. dependably. reliably. for suredly.

And now I have to accept that there's a chance he'll never be apart of it again. And I won't be allowed to be in his life either.