Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I've lost it. I've lost my ring.

The second I realized it wasn't on I got this sinking feeling of dread in my stomach. I knew it was lost.

Usually I only take it off for small things, washing my hands, cleaning the bathroom, if I have hives really bad. Even then I always make a mental note of the exact spot I put it. Usually a pocket or the side of the sink, sometimes my desk.

This time I didn't even remember taking it off. I checked the places I usually find it: no such luck. Did I misplace it in the midst of moving adams things? Did I take it off somewhere strange because my hives have been particularly bad? Did I slip it off in my sleep?

I've looked all day to no avail. It may sound materialistic but Adam gave me that ring on our first anniversary. I loved that ring more than any other material thing I've ever owned. That ring was symbolic. It meant something really important. And now its gone.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Anyone Hiring?

I've been neglecting my blog. It's partially because I'm frustrated with my mobile blogging. Partially cause I'm not doing anything in life.

I tell myself to stop panicking and stop letting it get me down. I mean, I've only been done with school for one full week. But I feel like it's one week wasted. I feel like a dead beat bum. I'm the kind of person with really high expectations of myself. And right now, I'm disappointing all of them.

And at the same time, it's something kind of out of my control. I can revise and rewrite my resume as many times as I want, perfect each individually written cover letter all I want. But the choice isn't up to me. It isn't like school where as long as you do everything required of you, you reach your goal. This is up to the people hiring, and up to the economy, and up to pretty much everyone but me. Which sucks. which means I feel helpless!

And there are few feelings I hate more than helplessness. It's a waiting game. It's a test of my patience. It's a show of my will power to stay determined, ambitious, and driven.

But I am very easily discouraged... I always have been... How does a newly graduated college student with little to no idea what she wants to be now that she's grown up find a job?

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Another Late Night Blog for the Books

Lately, all I've been doing is complaining and sleeping and eating and sleeping even more. Graduation dissapoints me, life dissapoints me, I need a goddamned job. I won't bore everyone here about all that. I also have been having hives worse than normal, its possible that its hormonal. I need more sleep. I've been watching too much TV and too many movies. We went to ano nuevo for the super-weaners, had a lovely picnic beneath the lighthouse. I went to Sweet inspirations late into the evening (around 10), and to City Lights (around 10 30). Drive around the city at night... I've babysat the baby for a day, i've run a bunch of errands for my mom just to pay my cell phone bill (considering cancelling that).Good or bad, it's a load of nothing, really.

The important thing is this:

Even if i'm discouraged easily and I feel like I'm going nowhere and doing nothing and i've cut anyone and everyone out of my life and i'm lonely most days and I hate my stone hard facade even more often.... At least I'm not who I was before.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Check It Out!!

(Updated My Flickr with the latest batch of Diana Pic developments!)

Friday, March 20, 2009

The Triple-Triple

Watching this video when I was in High School is one of the first things that made me realize that
1) being crazy and outcast-ish on the internet didn't matter
2) the internet was the coolest thing ever invented and...
3) I love Scrabble.

Web surfer since 1996. Blogger since 2000.

This Is It.

Wow, wow, wow and a half.

I am quite officially completely done with school. Now is the anticipation of waiting for grades.

Crossing my fingers.

Exhaustion.

Ending feelings: disillusionment, apprehension, anxiety almost like I'm forgetting something, but I'm pretty sure that nothing has sunk it yet.

Don't worry dear readers, an identity crisis is to come...

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Cracking under Pressure

Have you ever felt like the world was racing through your brain at a million miles a minute and the very bone structure of your skull was about to explode?

I feel like with my work I've been doing relatively well. I have 12 pages of the approximately 26 pages needed for all my papers that need to be completed. And I finished all my group work. But there's this undeniable pressure.

I keep thinking to myself, "I can't do this. i can't do this." and the nest minute I reassure myself, I take a breath and think "Stop that. You can do this. you'll be fine." and I get another page done.

I have my outlines, I have the materials pretty much read (except my history stuff), but I can't manage to sit down, buckle down, and just get it done.

I'm so close to the end and I'm not sure if I can follow through.

I'm being completely manic. I'm being completely crazy. I'm losing it big bit by big bit. My brain is spinning. My eyes aren't focusing. I can't spell a goddamn thing. I can't seem to focus on any one thing for over 2 minutes. what the hell is happening to me?

Finals crunch. that's what's happening.

Stay tuned for more craziness and the outcome of the quarter.

Monday, March 16, 2009

8 pages down of my research paper, only 12 officially more to go! And suddenly I feel a little less inclined to panis, a little more sure of myself.

If I can stay focused I can do this. I can do this.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Thursday, March 12, 2009

ROAR!

Let me begin by saying that I love those dumb stuffed animal mounted on plaques as if they were real stuffed animals. Everytime I see them online or in stores I get a not so secret thrill. They're super cute in a creepy retarded sort of way. I love them, how could you not?

Let me follow those comments by explaining that due to my last day of school excitement I've spent all day going ROAR! into the phone. Those that have long term known me know that I'm quite prone to making animal noises, especially roars. If some may even recall my old voicemail which was a series of roaring...

All of that prelude simply to post this:

My newest PostCrossingCard.

 
How perfectly me is that?! I got it and I felt like it really was a small world after all. You know, to be a total cheese ball.
Adam says to this in a gruff old man voice, "Yea? Is this what they do in Germany? Hunting down defenseless stuff animals!?" And then he started to cry cause I don't think he's cool...
It's from a nice girl name Jessica from Germany. She tells me that she lives in a town close to the border of the Netherlands. She is currently working on getting her diploma in "Case Management."

She also loves to dance and read (which I say I enjoy in my profile).

Yay to postcard!!!!!!

I also recieved my 8 rolls of film of a questionable ISO from ebay in the mail today. WHAT A GOOD DAY TO BE ME!

It Took a Long Time To Get Here

Well World, I have some exciting news for everyone:
TODAY WAS OFFICIALLY MY LAST DAY OF CLASSES!
Now, if everything goes according to plan, and by according to plan I mean I pass all my classes, then I'm practically graduated!
I have only 3 final essays to turn in and one finals class that I have to attend. My essays are:
  • 6 pages on 2 themes that are recurrent in the mediterranean from 1492 - 1942
  • Finishing up a group project of a 15 page paper (2 of which I still need to write) and,
  • 20 - 50 pages on Japanese Internment and its constitutionality
And the final class I have to go to, while being at a ridiculously inconvenient time (from 7:30PM to 10:30 PM), is only to listen to a bunch of presentations that I don't care about and doing the class eval (which is why I'm really going).
OOOOOOHHHH
EMMMMMM
GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
PS: Good bye Slugs forever, I'll never miss that ugly ass mascot

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Grab Onto Me Tightly as If I Knew The Way

At the Belmont Library unsuccessfully working on my essay and instead, people watching.

 
Beautiful book cover found on the shelf... (told you I wasn't working on my paper).
also reading Mutts, the comic....

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Numbered Days

Holy fucking shit in hell.

I just realized that today is my second to last day of classes, possibly ever.

That means on thursday it is the last class of my bachelor education.

Holy holy holy crapzoids.

I have one 12 page paper (Wednesday), a group 15 page paper (Tuesday), and my research paper of 20 - 50 pages still to do(Thursday).

Stomach turning, ulcers. Omg does time fly...

More stress, details, and jitter thoughts to come...

Monday, March 9, 2009

Ink'd

As some of you may remember, I was previously considering getting a tattoo of a quote of something that was important to me, I narrowed it down to something Pablo Neruda, Isabel Allende, or Gabriel Garcia Marquez because they're my all time favorite writers and I can sincerely say have changed my life. Not only have I gone to Chile and seen all of Pablo Neruda's houses, stalked down and met (and got an autograph from) Isabel Allende, but I've allowed their words to sink into my very soul. I also consider an Eels lyrics because to me they're just all time super classic Sydney. They've been my favorite band for years unwaveringly. I only had one CD when I went to Europe and it was the Eels, There are few bands that I could say I've listened to and memorized all of their cd's and enjoyed each song. Every one of their shows have been amazing and many of their lyrics are astonishingly wonderful to me.

So here is a small compilation of poems and one song that I am in the process of considering. I will make bold the quote (s) I'm considering.

Feedback appreciated!

Pablo Neruda - Sonnet XVII

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul. ( in spanish: secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma. )



I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving
but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

Pablo Neruda - Come With Me

Come with me, I said, and no one knew
where, or how my pain throbbed,
no carnations or barcaroles for me,
only a wound that love had opened.

I said it again: Come with me, as if I were dying,
and no one saw the moon that bled in my mouth
or the blood that rose into silence.
O Love, now we can forget the star that has such thorns! ( Spanish: Oh amor ahora olvidemos la estrella con espinas!)

That is why, when I heard your voice repeat
Come with me, it was as if you had let loose
the grief, the love, the fury of a cork-trapped wine

that geysers flooding from deep in its vault;
in my mouth I felt the taste of fire again,
of blood and carnations, of rock & scald.

The Eels - The Stars Shine in the Sky Tonight

i can't live in a world that you have left behind
seen a lot, been through too much
but this is where i draw the line



it's not where you're coming from
it's where you're going to
and i just wanna go with you

 
december is a lonely month
in a year of lonely days
it's hard to tell which way is up
or down or out
or through the haze


people cheat and people lie
while you just watch it all go by
counting days until you die


the stars shine in the sky tonight
like a path beyond the grave
when you wish upon that star
there's two of us you need to save


it's not where you're coming from
it's where you're going to
and i just wanna go with you



I've also decided that I want the tattoo in rather small letters in a font I have yet to pick on my upper back, half on my shoulder blade, more to the side than centered. It's hard to describe the spot but I could easily point it out...

 

Thursday, March 5, 2009

The Great Adventure

After almost 5 hours of adventure walking yesterday which included but was not excluded to: shell hunting, tide pool poking, steep hill sliding, butt muddying, dog watching, pictures, and our fair share of TMIs; I would recommend the following: ensuring you have your car key at all times, having a little bit of luck on your side, at least one family member waiting for you back home, and at least a little bit of a sense of humor.

How Half Moon Bay became adventure central, I really don't know.

But that was all yesterday.

(Salvador Allende, the topic of my group project)


Here's today's agenda:
  • Finishing my part of my group project (hopefully?)
  • Printing out all articles and finding books for my solo research paper
  • Driving home, getting there HOPEFULLY by 8?
  • Reading aforementioned research paper material
That's ambitious enough for today... We'll see if I even get that far.

For the weekend:
  • Reading ALL research paper material
  • Beginning and hopefully (fingers crossed to my determination) an outline for my paper
  • Polishing any presentation material as needed
It doesn't seem like a much in list form, but believe me, compared to my normal weekend workload, it's a lot.

If I can get all of those done in that time frame, which seems simple enough, then I'll only need at least 4 pages a day written of my research paper to finish in a timely manner. I only have to worry about 1 final exam this quarter which is nice. It's just this damn research paper I'm stressing over.

(My research paper is on Executive Order 9066 which resulted in Japanese Internment)


I've never really done a serious research paper that I felt was actually going to be graded. I've written possibly 2 or 3 papers before and they were for classes I knew were so lax and the teacher so ridiculous that it didn't matter if the paper was horrible. I was relying on the fact that they wouldn't be read and actually considered.

I had one teacher say we could count pictures into the page count!

But given that this is my senior thesis and a really BIG deal, I don't want to be saving it until the night before, panic attacking and fighting off my urge to nap insted of work. I'm really bad at not procrastinating. So if in the following days anyone wants to allocate library time with me, it'd be more than welcome.

Now, to continue with today's work...

end note: I think I'll blog every day about my progress on this "staying on track" bit so I feel more pressured to perform. So I can drill it into my head.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Life Phases


  • I drink Orange juice and tea like medicine: forced chores. I'm proud of myself if I can manage something other than pasta, bread, rice, or grains aka anything fruitlike or somehow vegetable matter.
  • I feel like something in my life is coming to a close and rather than being a light at the end of the tunnel it is the edge of a cliff. I am facing an abyss.
  • While my body has stopped bothering me so much the hives still come without fail, the medicines have clouded up my day to day life so I can't even seperate what is me and what is merely side effect.
  • The rain, rain, rain is a-coming down and it doesn't make me depressed anymore just tired, tired, tired.
  • Somtimes I remember how much I like not speaking at all.
  • BOASAS - my favorite online comic: Boy on a stick and Slither

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Tolerance in Salonica?

It's times like these where I wish I smoked, drank coffee, did crack, and/or ANYTHING that would relax me while also keeping me awake.

I don't think in my life I've ever so heavily doing any of those. Thank goodness that all night I had access to none. Or else I couldn't vouch for my safety. haha.

I just have to finish this paragraph and then I can turn in this lousy peice of shit grade. I think even if I get a D, my other essay grade will boost it up enough that I'll have a C average.

Holy shit! I have to get ready for school...

Professional Procrastination

My recent mad dash for new internet facets (and the deciscion to abandon MySpace and Facebook) has really been the symptoms of my horrrrrrible procrastination. So is blogging, come to think of it.

I can gaurantee that at least 95% of all my blog entries in the past week were done during times I told myself I would be working on my research paper or various other essays.

I didn't work on any of them and now, at 7:30 in the morning, the morning it is due (at 10) I'm quickly typing half thoughts and horribly disconnected paragraphs just to have something to turn in.

Is it horrible that my newest mantra is "As long as it's a C?"

ughhkkk, almost done. 1 page left.... must focus....

Monday, March 2, 2009

Sunday, March 1, 2009