The Logic of the Climb

Let’s be diplomatic about this. Let’s stop ourselves from falling and look from a birds eye view.

Before the climb: make sure you’re in securely. Count the check offs. One, I’m secure. Two, secure in the right place. Three, align, or realign if necessary, until it suits who you are. Four, make sure the other is there.

To be logical we’ll say: The path is marked in red stones along the wall. The grade is written at the bottom. The goal is sectioned with tape at the top. If you use more than one color stone than the level you’re climbing is immediately less. Less worthwhile, less of an accomplishment.

There is a list of commands to reaffirm the levels of being ready. If climbing, I’ll start. The ground will respond. It’s my turn again, and this time it’s double checking looking over my shoulder “this is about to start, I’m going.” And they will respond with “Go.” Something along those lines.

Here are some tips: always be sure to look where you place your feet; do not be careless. Also, if possible back climb, always back climb. This means to retrace your steps downwards on the wall. It builds skills.

This is when the ascent will begin. It will take trust, cooperation, confidence, and sometimes a leap of faith. Once or twice, hopefully no more you’ll veer from the set course; take a green rock, or a little blue. Just to keep you going.

Do not stop too long, you’ll lose momentum. Do not fall too hard, you’ll lose determination. Do not overanalyze, you will lose courage. Do not look down, you’ll lose hope.

Most people reach the top, feel accomplished and come down. In different situations, you can stand at the top, look down, and feel true pride. Other times, you’ll never come back down. Everyone wishes for that kind of climb. The kind of climb where you’ll remain on high, when you won’t ever be put back to ground level. Few achieve this.

Where will this take me? How long will I wait? How long will I trust you with this? How many different stones must I use, distancing myself from the path, will I need to take to keep me going? Will I ever reach the goal? Will I have to descend? What will I accomplish at the end of this?

Will it be worth it?

Are you Sure?

For all my anger and huf and puff... for all my blinding fury...

I'm really just all talk and venting. When it comes down to it, i have intense guilt and regret complexes.

The moment something is done I want to take it back. I am drenched in remorse.

Here's a fun game I found... Well it isn't THAT fun, it's a little anticlimatic.

But that's ok, it's amusing nonetheless. Everyone should come play. because it's interesting.

www.lost.eu/626a4

You have to sign up though. you just can't go look and see.

it's awwessoommee

Forgiven Fantasies

Inappropriate thoughts at VERY inappropriate times this weekend. Old obsessions.


Last night:

He and I were talking. internet. just the written words scrolling throuhg my mind accompanied by chimes. A trip to the beach, maybe it was the zoo. being pulled from our new conversation to drive carload after carload of family. All I could think about was him. And that because I missed that exact moment I knew I had missed my chance. forever.

Awake to a turned back and closed arms.

Under the Blacklight

After much fighting with my mother and a lot of unneccessary comments I've found (made)t he time to read up a little bit on the new RK album:

Critics all across the board are hating on the new RK sound. The main problem they present is this: Rilo Kiley were once different, good, and special because they were witty and clever. And yes, I admit, their lyrical honesty paired with the puns and clevernesses were quite good. And this new album doesn't obviously feel clever. What they're talking (actually, singing) about isn't disguised enough. It's too... easy. It's all sex sells and eighties throwbacks and something something la la la L. A. something something. Which I'll admit, i'm not really buying. But that's ok.

What I'm more dissapointed about is the general sound. This one is jumpier and/or dancier. Like I could listen to it and do a silly strip tease (as long as I don't pay attention to the depressing subject matter of the lyrics). But it's mostly Jenny Lewis. I think she's a really great singer. Which she's really shown in a couple of songs here and there on previous albums. Of course, every song on a CD can't and shouldn't be showboat and showboat. But just one or two, ya know? None of these songs really do. She's all mid range partial talk voiced. Have you ever heard those new high school punk bands where they simply pick anyone willing to sing and allow them to sing? And it sounds kind of like a whine and kind of like a prolonged conversation, and a lot like a bug in your ear? This is slightly reminiscent of that. But mostly, I think a lot of girls can sing to a certain extent. No all or even most, but a lot can... It sounds like talking in a non abrasive tune. I can sing like that. I'm no Kelly Clarkson American Idol. But I'm not exactly ear peircing.... That's how Jenny Lewis sings these songs... Like this is the best she can do but it's only mediocre. But we all know she can sing better. She's half talk half humming singing.

And that's what dissapointed me. Oh, that and a lot of the songs have the same tone and feel. which can lead to boredom.

But overall I haven't really listened to the CD enough to know for sure. Music is like Art and Literature, the further in you dig the deeper you realize it is. The more you find to love and cherish. Once I know all the words and the proper tunes, only then can I really feel about a song. So... Maybe I'll jump in and in a couple weeks resurface with a completely different feeling.

Waiting to Explode

Disclaimer: I'm too stressed. I'm too pissed off.


Life is so much fucking bullshit right now it's fucking ridiculous.

There isn't one fucking good thing going on right now.

- Work sucks so fucking bad that I get stress induced uncontrollable stomach aches EVERY day.
- My relationship with adam is so fucked up that depending on the day I really wouldn't be surprised if we broke up.
- My family and I are fighting so bad That i can't bare to have a half second conversation without boiling over in anger or crying
- I'm starting the hardest school that i've ever been to in a subject i've NEVER studied in a month. and I don't have a fucking place to live. Great. fucking great.
- I'm fighting and have been fighting with my best friend for fucking months now over petty shit and stubbornness.

I'm just so fucking over all of this goddamned shit right now. I'm over everyone adding more to my plate and more to my plate without bothering to fucking consider whether or not I can handle it. I'm sick of people thinking they're helping me or being sweet when they aren't doing a goddamned thing but making it worse.

Right now I feel so angry and overly stressed at everyone and everything that I don't WANT anyone's help anymore. I don't want anyone to offer help now that it's too fucking late and i'm fuckign drowning here. Maybe if anyone cared enough they should have helped before it got to such a point. maybe they should have offered to help when it was a bearable fucking load.

I don't want anyone in my fucking life. I don't NEED anyone. I don't need stupid Adam and his stupid lack of planning and inconsideration. I don't need my stupid sister to talk to just to fucking tell everything I've said. I don't need my idiotic parents to demand I find a house to buy and then refuse to give any goddamned help. I don't need any friends that I'll think I can rely on and begin to love and then have them in any way hurt me, use me, or misuse me.

I'm SO sick of it all. I'm sick of the downfalls of every last one of my relationships. I'm sick of so much bad and no good. I'm sick of no one giving back to what they're taking out of me. I'm sick of feeling completely bogged down by resentment and bitterness. I'm sick of everything.

just everything.

Otra Vez

Anger.

Manic Mondays

Call it PMS, call it a phase. If you want, call it a rut or a general bad mood...

No matter what you call it, it doesn't change the fact that:

1. I hate work more than life itself
2. I am 9,000 x's irritated and sick of my family
3. It's only 10 30 in the morning on monday. there are approximately 7 hours and 4 days left of the week.
4. I hate speaking on the telephone with my parents. worse yet, I hate seeing them.
5. I'm sick of my yucky relatives picking at MY cupcakes
6. I'm cold. and i HATE daly city.
7. that there's a certain stench in the air no matter what in the daly city. literal stench.
8. I'm tired
9. I'm hungry
10. And I hate my life currently.

The Thousand Night Pain

Problems. insecurities.

Sighs. a lot of them.

I smell like the party I just cake from: too muc smoke, cheap burgers, bowl after bowl, and being outside. But I old ladied out. Came home at 11. I'm not a good people person anyways. It makes my stomach hurt.

How do I say what I feel the need to say without sounding ridiculous?

I don't know how to let go of all the things that have hurt me at my most vulnerable times. I don't know how to stop it from continuing to hurt me.

I read about it in magazines. I think about it everyday. I allow it to change who I am, how I am perceived, and the choices I make in my life, the ways I react with people...

I distance myself from the people in my life because I feel they'll never understand all of it. And I clicg so desperately to the only one who knows even though we may not be right together anymore.

Why am I doing this? again? Why do I always?

old habits die hard. Some fears never do.

Housing

I didn't win my house. House shopping is like bidding on ebay. It's relatively dissapointing when you lose too.


I'm not sad-sad. or upset. like everyone thought I would be... And I don't know if i'm pretending or not. or if it's just a mood. But I dunno...

It sucks. and I'm a little bummed. But maybe I'll find something much much better.

The Material World

Things I'm so excited about That I can barely breathe and my heart is palpitating like I'll die:

1. The Gabriel Garcia Marquez movie coming out in november. AAAAHHHHHH
2. Rilo Kiley CD + show + hanging out with JD
3. THe new Julie Delpy movie
4. Having a house and decorating it
5. THE NEW GABRIEL GARCIA MARQUEZ MOVIE!!!!!
6. Clive Owen on the cover of Details.The world's most idiotic magazine in the world. (but gotta love the clive.)
7. Buying a new phone!!!!
8. Buying pictures for my walls.
9. Getting to relax and not go to work for a week or two before school starts
10. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! GGM! MOVIE! FAVORITE BOOK **EVERR*** BECOMING A MOVIE!!!!

On other hands, we watch Becoming Jane on friday. I absolutely loved it. it actually made me cry 4 very large crocodile tears. And then made me very depressed for the lack of romance in my life. which of course made me mad at adam. which was amplified when he was too sleepy and sick to respond to me talking to him. But i'm over it now.

Our anniversary is in a couple weeks.! ahh!

Bank me Tender...

To my dear bloggerettes:

I am writing you now to vent. because I am so steamed the fuck up my head is whirling and I'm gonna fucking hit someone real goddamned soon.

And I want you to keep in mind that once upon a time ago I was some sort of sweet, mild, passive young thing that never got angry, wouldn't consider hitting anyone, and barely knew how to raise her voice. Now I have what are called "Violent Tan" tendancies.

Now, on with the story, I'm fucking pissed. I hate the goddamned bank, I'm going so far to say I officially hate all motherfucking banks.

So, because of work I used to go to the bank at least 3 times a week. And we developed a rather friendly relationship. They knew my name, I knew theirs. And hell, they know my family (through work) and I even know which schools they go to. (the tellers.) FUCKING HELL, i even brought them some sort of office christmas present Rum cake. those assholes. And while business has been pretty slow going only twice a month if we're lucky. But sure, it's all good.

But as of late the bank has been increasingly difficult. And I mean Difficult. And my patience is run out.

First, is the waiting. And the lines. At one bank I have to go to there's around 10 people in line at any given time. With 2 tellers. And somehow, Daly City is composed of the world's most difficult Bank Customers apparently so each person takes at least 15 minutes at the teller. Is it really SO hard to have a "slow person line" and a "quick" one? Have your deposit slips ready, hand them to the teller, get your cash if need be, the receipt and you're done. Should take five minutes. If even that. If you have a lot of deposits we'll allow a couple of minutes longer. But extended low voiced conversations!? What are you explaining to them?! The theorem behind your negative bank account? I really don't know what a person could be talking to bank worker for other than polite small talk. I don't know what sort of problems, questions, or explanations that are nessessary to a bank account. Do you have money? Do you not? Is there anything beyond that needed? Absolutely not. Bargaining may work in international markets or yard sales but the bank will NOT budge. Waiting over 2 minutes at the bank is too long for me. I need service and I need it now. Call me a bitch but a bank just is NOT doing it's job if you need to set aside over half an hour just to make a deposit. Banking is about convenience.

And more than just the lines and the other customers taking too long. There's also a VERY large problem with those stupid little teller girls gossiping and giggling in the bank. Please do not make time to tell the girl next to you about how the teller at some other branch said so-and-so to the district manager while looking at my check with empty eyes. Please do not leave me waiting in your little station while you go to the back and then to the front and then to the manager and then to the safe to follow the manager and then to the back and then finally to your station when you need an override. Go from point A to B. Not to every other place mindlessly wandering. It really tries my patience.

Secondly, about banks, don't treat me like a goddamned criminal every goddamned time I need cash or worse yet, a cashiers check. You have over two thousand dollars of MY MONEY that (as banking systems go) you're using to do whatever underhanded corporate maneuvering that banks do. Seriously, you can trust me when I want a measly two hundred for the weekend. You can stop giving me those evil corner eyes. And more importantly, business accounts. We have several business accounts for various DBAs or whatever. I come here so goddamned often and am practically our company representative. Because you're requesting far too many signatures, extra IDs, and account numbers for back up. It's getting a little ridiculous. Obviously, they're a bank. They can't go passing out money left and right with no verification. That's ok, I understand that. But seriously, I've been going to the same bank and seeing the same ugly people for over 2 years now. You still don't recognize me?

Well it's officially been a hour since my bank trip from hell and have finally cooled off. So I'm stopping this rant here. But I am leaving in no way satisfied.

Fable of the Mermaid and the Drunks

All those men were there inside,
when she came in totally naked.
They had been drinking: they began to spit.
Newly come from the river, she knew nothing.
She was a mermaid who had lost her way.
The insults flowed down her gleaming flesh.
Obscenities drowned her golden breasts.
Not knowing tears, she did not weep tears.
Not knowing clothes, she did not have clothes.
They blackened her with burnt corks and cigarette stubs,
and rolled around laughing on the tavern floor.
She did not speak because she had no speech.
Her eyes were the colour of distant love,
her twin arms were made of white topaz.
Her lips moved, silent, in a coral light,
and suddenly she went out by that door.
Entering the river she was cleaned,
shining like a white stone in the rain,
and without looking back she swam again
swam towards emptiness, swam towards death.

Pablo Neruda

This sinking

Sometimes I have the meanest cruelest thoughts about people. And I think it's killing my soul.

But, while I'm inclined to stop it... I'm obviously not trying hard enough.

I think over the past couple of years I opened up completely new sides of myself and while it's been a self exploration experience it has been retrogressing. In a sort of big way.

I feel like I got to a certain point and so much was taken from me. And in the process I hid away (perhaps lost) the better parts of myself.

And there's a lot to sort out. And some days i'm ready to take on the task but most of them I let my complacency and fear dictate my actions.

Nightmares over the weekend have significantly shaken me up. No matter what starts me being scared, or starts me being angry, or starts me being depressed...

In the end it's always the same thing. The same thing I am afraid of. and angry at. and depressed about. And so those are the emotions that have ruled. And so this is what I have fixated on.

Once I understood what happened I knew it would take an eternity to work through it. But I never could have guessed how it would change my relationships and the people I care most about.

Patience, courage and love are all that will sort anything out. Let's just hope Pandora remembered to close the box in time to allow those few jewels to remain within me.

Keep Dreaming

House hunting is hard, complicated, and irritating. My whole living situation is pretty much all of those right now too.

I'm sick or something like it at least 2 days of the week. And I try to blame it on my period but apparently that isn't a good excuse for the rest of the 3 weeks in every month. I guess that means 1) i'm unhealthy 2) i'm too stressed out or 3) i need more sleep.

There aren't enough hours in a day for me to sleep as much as I want. I want to sleep in till 12. Take an hour nap at 2. and then a 2 hour nap at 7. and then i want to go to bed and 3 in the morning. That'd be my dream life schedule. And while I'm talking about my dream life...

I want to write in front of a window every morning. I'd like to sit in the sun and be warm and happy till my head hurts. And I want to eat everything I just so happen to crave as much as I want. I want to buy a lot of things... clothes, furniture, shoes, books... I want to buy everything. And I want to have a home. And I want to travel. I want to see the world and get a little taste of everything. I want to be so heartfull that it inspires people. I want the ability to allow myself to be passionate about the things I believe in. And to share that with the world. I want to know all of the constellations. I want to have the worlds most comfortable bed. And room. And I want to have a lot of sex. lol. maybe that was inappropriate.

And on a much more negative side... I want to never have to come to work here. or see them. I'm 1,000 x's sick of 70% of my family.

Back to the grind of the everyday and the wonderful disrespect showered upon me by my relatives.