I sent in my secret. and when I know that no one knew. still.
I felt more alone than ever.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Sunday, April 8, 2007
Easter Sunday Almosts
I saw him from across the parking lot and I knew. And he knew. and he looked at me. And we were too afraid to do anything but that. I walked away to find Adam. And Darby.
She was a golden beautiful kind of gil. the kind that smiles. the kind that seem always young. And she looked at me like she was attracted to.
and we went into her yard. and everyone was there. He was there. we got lost while everyone played and laughed and the sun caught the water in rainbows and our eyes caught the sky at sunsets.
and we didn't speak. but it was him and I and I had finally found him.
The next day to play at hiding. wit the discovery of a stalker. All of the pictures, all of our belongings. and the shame we felt at being discovered.
and then morning
She was a golden beautiful kind of gil. the kind that smiles. the kind that seem always young. And she looked at me like she was attracted to.
and we went into her yard. and everyone was there. He was there. we got lost while everyone played and laughed and the sun caught the water in rainbows and our eyes caught the sky at sunsets.
and we didn't speak. but it was him and I and I had finally found him.
The next day to play at hiding. wit the discovery of a stalker. All of the pictures, all of our belongings. and the shame we felt at being discovered.
and then morning
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Just One
Dear Life,
I'm incredibly unhappy at this moment in time. I am restless and embittered.
I hate knowing my flaws and feeling like I don't have the power or energy to right them. I hate my lack of strength in staying angry and pretending it's ok only so I can think about it every morning and every day I get the oppurtunity. I hate my own doubt. I hate saving things like emails and letters and being ashamed of my own feeling. I hate seeing what others have said and because I've harbored these other feelings letting those old words sink in with the same amount of longing. I hate that I have A One I'll always wonder about. I hate that I hide and deny all feelings. anger, hate, happiness, love. I hate that I have to constantly schedule my life and I hate what my life has become. I hate my family situation. I hate my culture situation. I hate the people and things I encounter day to day. I hate what's going on in my life. I hate that I have nothing and no one to identify with. I hate that I am so much of a nothing. I hate overhearing conversations and other people's voice and my own depression. I hate what you did to me. I hate it every fucking day. I hate love. I hate hope. I hate determination. I hate pride. I hate humility. I hate my ability to hold onto a grudge no matter how much I don't want to. I hate that I put things away and don't think about them because dealing with them will tear me apart. I hate that I'm weak. i hate that we aren't strong. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate that I'm so full of hatred. I hate how short life is. I hate how long every day is. I am so full of hate.
I want to go home. I want to go to bed. I want to sleep this all off. I want to sleep it all away. I don't want to be alone. But I'm too afraid to allow anyone to be there with me. I want a moment of silence. I want a moment of peace. I was just a second to gather myself and let it all go. I want to close my eyes. I want to feel the sounds muffled around me. I want to fade it all out. i want to fade it all out just for a moment. I'm so desperate. right now. today. no. right now. I want someone to hear me. I want someone to know. I want someone to see me. I want to know I'm not alone. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to fight. I don't want to cry. I just want to silently be there. I want someone to silently know. I want everything to fade away. only a second. only one. I want to let it all go and never allow the waves to bring it back. I want to feel the cold of the ocean. I want it to still me. Still my blood pulsing in my brain, in my ears constantly reminding me of everything that keeps me grounded. I no longer want to be grounded. I want to float away. I want to float away. I want to be weightless. i want to be above it all. I want to let it all go and let myself be carried away by forces stronger than my hatred. I never want to be brought back to shore. I'm so scared now of myself and what my life is coming to. I'm so scared of all I'll never fully be able to do because of the fear and hate inside of me. i want to be cleansed. I want to be free.
I want anything but this...
I'm incredibly unhappy at this moment in time. I am restless and embittered.
I hate knowing my flaws and feeling like I don't have the power or energy to right them. I hate my lack of strength in staying angry and pretending it's ok only so I can think about it every morning and every day I get the oppurtunity. I hate my own doubt. I hate saving things like emails and letters and being ashamed of my own feeling. I hate seeing what others have said and because I've harbored these other feelings letting those old words sink in with the same amount of longing. I hate that I have A One I'll always wonder about. I hate that I hide and deny all feelings. anger, hate, happiness, love. I hate that I have to constantly schedule my life and I hate what my life has become. I hate my family situation. I hate my culture situation. I hate the people and things I encounter day to day. I hate what's going on in my life. I hate that I have nothing and no one to identify with. I hate that I am so much of a nothing. I hate overhearing conversations and other people's voice and my own depression. I hate what you did to me. I hate it every fucking day. I hate love. I hate hope. I hate determination. I hate pride. I hate humility. I hate my ability to hold onto a grudge no matter how much I don't want to. I hate that I put things away and don't think about them because dealing with them will tear me apart. I hate that I'm weak. i hate that we aren't strong. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate that I'm so full of hatred. I hate how short life is. I hate how long every day is. I am so full of hate.
I want to go home. I want to go to bed. I want to sleep this all off. I want to sleep it all away. I don't want to be alone. But I'm too afraid to allow anyone to be there with me. I want a moment of silence. I want a moment of peace. I was just a second to gather myself and let it all go. I want to close my eyes. I want to feel the sounds muffled around me. I want to fade it all out. i want to fade it all out just for a moment. I'm so desperate. right now. today. no. right now. I want someone to hear me. I want someone to know. I want someone to see me. I want to know I'm not alone. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to fight. I don't want to cry. I just want to silently be there. I want someone to silently know. I want everything to fade away. only a second. only one. I want to let it all go and never allow the waves to bring it back. I want to feel the cold of the ocean. I want it to still me. Still my blood pulsing in my brain, in my ears constantly reminding me of everything that keeps me grounded. I no longer want to be grounded. I want to float away. I want to float away. I want to be weightless. i want to be above it all. I want to let it all go and let myself be carried away by forces stronger than my hatred. I never want to be brought back to shore. I'm so scared now of myself and what my life is coming to. I'm so scared of all I'll never fully be able to do because of the fear and hate inside of me. i want to be cleansed. I want to be free.
I want anything but this...
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