Awe

Today I saw one of these absolutely beautiful dogs.

I stalked him down (as is my habit with awesome dogs) in a store hoping to "casually" bump into the owners so I could request to pet it.

I've done this many a-time. I've had outright rude refusals, threats of dog bites, and even some people ignoring me. Let me tell you, people with awesome dogs are usually NOT NICE AT ALL. It's very rare that someone lets me pet their dog. You may think I'm just a creeper and people sense this and rightfully refuse me but I insist that I am not. I am polite and completely innocent.

Either way, this absolutely beautiful and well dressed couple (I quite sincerely mean they were ridiculously pretty and so so so nicely dressed) were walking around a store in bustling union square, I stalked them down, finally and succesfully "casually" bumped into them and asked if I pet their dog. The dog was even on it's way out, it was bee-lining it SOMEWHERE. This couple, this beautiful couple, stopped their dog, said, "Of course." and pulled him to come say hello to me. It was so wonderful.

He snuffled and sniffed at my leg a couple of times (he could smell the Penelope on me). He licked and smelled my hand (My favorite thing for a dog to do is sniff me. There's just something so adorable about doggie noses and the feeling of their snout gently pushing me to snuffle me.).

They even made small talk with me about his breed, they asked about my own dog and her type. They were so wonderfully nice. They had british accents and spent a moment just being polite. And I got to pet their awesome dog.

It sounds so trivial and silly, but it totally made my night. It couldn't have only been the dog, it had to be partly having a totally human and sweet moment with strangers. It had to do with not being snubbed or ignored in a moment where I easily could have been. And I know it shouldn't matter but they were an interracial couple and it does make them much cooler in my book.

It made my night and made me just that much happier. So, English sounding white man who was rather tall and shorter Indian girl that has a really nice red coat that own a really cool giant schnauzer that was wandering around Union Square tonight: Thank  you.

Room to Believe

While I may be constantly complaining about the state of the season and it's unbearable cold if there has been anything less prepared than my psyche it's definately been my wardrobe. Over the summer I collected the most beautiful skirts, dresses, and shorts. I had shorts for work and skirts for the every day. For the first time I accumulated a summer wardrobe to be proud of. I was always so cold prepared I was a coat kind of girl. Maybe it was a lack of funds this year or an increase in frugality but I took to summer shopping like... Well, to be redundant from past entires, like summer would never end. It sincerely felt like it wouldn't, couldn't, and shouldn't. It was a sunshine and feel like I look beautiful kind of summer.

Fall crept by me like it always does. We always have indian summers here in the bay area anyways. Plus with the feeling like everyone was dying or sick, the engagement (opposite feelings, do realize), moving, dog maintaining, and work time just kept fly, fly, flying right by me. So there I am, looking cute and be-hive-ed and be-shivering.

Anyways, I digress, all of that was simply to explain that Christmas has officially solved me of this problem. I received two coats, and two pairs of pants. And I had a bit of a shopping day today.

From Adam I also received a boxed set of signed and numbered Eels records. It's it's own kind of magic.

(In case anyone is wondering I also got a really awesome Bear Portrait Book, my long awaited and much beloved entire series of Sex and the City on DVD, some measuring cups, a duck pitcher, and a lot of other really great things. Not to mention all the goodies that I never talked about for our engagement with many more to come with our upcoming BIG engagement party).

So maybe now I'll be a little more prepared, a little better adjusted for this upcoming new year. Every New Year's Eve I turn every waking moment into a metaphor to interpret my past and future. It never works. Every New years is a dissapointment and so far, each coming year has held it's own kinds if failures (and of course, it's own small successes. It's been a difficult decade so far. Hopefully this year I can be a little more relaxed and have myself a little fun. Hell, maybe this year I'll even drink so I'm not so irritable at everyone else drinking.

We're considering having a New Year's Party. I've never had a new year's party before... As we all know I'm not even much of a partier. I'm slightly excited given that it's our first new years engaged and our first in our new apartment. But then I think that everytime I have a moment to breathe I crowd it with things to do as much as possible. "The Holidays" are finally over and so all I really have to worry about is work, catching up with my sadly neglected friends, and planning the engagement party. If I commit to a party for New Year's Eve then I have a little less than a week to prepare, decorate, and invite people. Which implies a week running around being busy, trying to squish in friends, and trying to force "quality" time with Adam. And when that's over then I have only 15 days (two weeks) to make final preps for the engagement party. There are RSVP's to track down, family members to hound, DJs to find, decorations to prepare, and other such things to worry about.

Like I said earlier, time just fly, fly, flies by me.

The Canary

The best indicator of whether or not I'm PMSing is how much I can be around my parents. If i'm even just slightly hormonal then I CANNOT bear to be around them. I'm snappy, irritated, and sometimes downright angry.

I would say I'm sorry but as of right now hormones are in full swing and all I can think is, "Well, they deserve it." Hmph.

And that's that.

To Repeat Myself:

I feel like I won't ever get used to the cold of this winter. It jsut doesn't seem to make sense to me. Summer shouldn't have ever ended.

Color Theories

In an effort to be a better blogger I've decided to write something new everyday. If it's only a sentance, an unimportant thought, or just a word than so be it.

The color Chantreuse. Just by the word I assume it's something of a pinkish-purple, a magenta flavor or some such. Imagine my surprise each and every time when it's shown to me as a sort of green. What an off-named color.

AlsoL I've gotten 10 people off my christmas list and only 10 more to go! 5 are gift cards and 5 are actual gifts that I even have yet to think up. Christmas is in... 15 days?

December

Ok, So I haven't been a very good blogger at all. It's a mixture of busy movingness, mediocre content-ness, lost soul feelingness, and spirit crush-ed-ness. I've started at least 15 entries without finishing about a wide array of things: sexual fantasies, ex-best-friends, the fabulous friends engagement party we had, our new home and the tasks of making a house a home, and even the Christmas spirit. I start them, I get distracted, I forget what I was trying to say anyways, and then I never go back to figure it out.

• Let's skip all of that because it's said and done with and onto the things I really want to talk about right now. I half want to start a wedding blog but I know I wouldn't keep up with it, the same way I had two entries on the dog blog. (BTW, my dog is ridiculously adorable.)
• I need to start scheduling appointments for locations for the wedding. Places we are considering: Spain, Italy, Chile, Washington state, or home (in the broader scope) and art museums, barns, rent-a-farms, (NOT vineyards), and observatories/conservatories (in the more specific sense).
• I need to start dress shopping!! I go back and forth between breathlessly anticipating with heart flutters trying on dresses and dreading with a sinking stomach sort of hopelessness feeling. Before I can dress shop (and even location peruse) I need to get a more definite idea of our wedding budget. I know what our budget is but I still have to have "The money talk" with my parents. My parents do not want to discuss wedding monies until after the engagement party (The *BIG* one) in January. We don't need their money or even depend on it, but I know for a fact that 1) my dad will be sad if he cannot contribute to our wedding fund 2) My dad has opened up a savings account some time ago specifically for this event and 3) Both my parents ascribe to the more traditional "bride's parents pay" sort of mentality. And SO! here's what I've got so far about the dress: I don't like organza, satin, taffeta, beading, bling, or ball gowns. I'm leaning more towards a mermaid or trumpet dress but only in the most subtle of ways. I don't prefer A-line dresses and I don't think I want a shorter dress. I love lace and tulle and ribbons (but not lace up ribbon backs). I like sweetheart necklines, strapless, some ruching and/or the pinch/twist in the front. I don't need a long train but I would like to bustle the dress post-ceremony. I'm definitely not getting two dresses and I hope to find that "Wow" factor love at first sight kind of gown.
• We're considering going to Spain in the Spring. My family wants to go to Hawaii after Christmas. And possibly romantic weekend travelling sooner or later.
• The engagement party is quickly coming together. I should upload the invitations so everyone can see.
• I have gotten 10 people off my christmas list via the internet and have 10 more to go (5 I still have to decide what I'm getting, 5 are just gift cards I need to stop by various stores to get).

I guess that's enough for now. Hope that everyone is well as the weather turns colder and colder

It seems to me, that a good question to always ask is:

Why?

The Singular Sensation

arriage.




What a big word. What a big meaning. To some people it means phony commitments and to more others it's a statistic of divorce.

It isn't the idea of marriage that scares me. Adam and I have been together for over 6 years now. Most of them spent in relative happiness. We don't fight or yell or go crazy. We don't play head games or love games or toy with each other's emotions. We've been told more than once that "we're doing it the right way. the good way." At least, so far as relationship dynamics and the healthiness of them go. I don't doubt that. Being with Adam forever isn't what scares me. That's the most normal, easiest to swallow, simple thing for my brain to accept.

But there's something much bigger looming at almost the exact same moment the marriage begins:

edding.




Planning the wedding is looming. I have to start doing more than loko at pretty pictures eventually. And people are wrong to assume that it's JUST my wedding. A lot of girl's think that the only whims they have to cater to are their own. Maybe that's right for them. To me? Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Adam's expectations and desires are equally as important as my own. And then there are our families. Obviously they aren't equals to myself or Adam but their opinions definitely come into play. It's like a REALLY big group project whose repercussions will be felt mostly by me.

I don't want anyone to feel left out but I don't want a large wedding. I don't have the budget for a destination wedding but I don't really want one here either. Some girls don't like certain dresses, some mom's want a something something. Both of our fathers are insisting on tradition which I'm highly opposed to.

We haven't been able to decide one measly thing other than the season. Summer. Even though Summer is "wedding season" and therefore overplayed and typical. I'm just a summer kind of girl. Ever since I can remember summer has meant more to me and is looked forward more to than anything else. The long days, the romantic feelings, the sun sun sun. I'm a summer girl.

Where will we have it? What kind of place? How far is too far? How extravagant is too extravagant?

And weddings are SO hyped up like they'll be the greatest day of your life but do people REALLY enjoy just one day THAT much? Setting it up so high only makes me feel liek there's only room for dissapointment. But at the same time, I can't BEGIN expecting it to be dissapointing or mediocre. I never aim for middleground so why should I now?

As of yet I haven't completely thought out whole thoughts. I've barely had time to digest moving and it's already time for the holidays. After the holidays it's the engagement party. So maybe after all of that I'll have enough time and space to really plan, think, and swallow and this won't be that big of a thing and I won't dread it and I won't keeping thinking, "weddingweddingweddingweddingwhatarewedoingforourwedding?"





(Also do take note of the really awesome site Daily Drop Cap where I got my fancy letters)

I haven't been able to update my blog no matter how much I've wanted to in what must be over a month.

My life has been crazy chaotic busy since july!! First it was a barrage of bad things, then something really great. And now it's just busy busy busy.

I'll make a list that won't do anything any sort of justice:

- hospitals
- funeral
- dog injuries
- wedding
- engagement
- moving
- moving again
- what will hopefully be my last move in a year, at least.
- party planning
- wedding planning

And all of normal life sort of stuff. It's been tiring, but I think I've done a pretty good job of keeping on the brighter sides of the bad stuff. I hope that things calm down by the end of January and I can feel like I'm actually living again. Not just being jam packed from day to day!

Here's to hoping!!

Until we meet again, EvilNemesisHitlerCat

Last night the neighborhood cat that I not so affectionately refer to as "The Hitler Cat" ran across the street while driving away and in the streetlight I could see that he was bleeding!

Given that we live so rural and everyone in the neighborhood has a pet of some sort, I feel like I have animal run-ins more often than everyone else. There was the lab that was stuck in my yard, there was the old blind-deaf-disabled dog I found in the middle of the street and took in, the dogs at the park that scared the bejeesus out of me, the puppy pack that hounds our streets, the german shepherd that almost attacked Penelope and I. And don't forget the baby raccoon I befriended and named Raul.

I hate TheHitlerCat. He (I assume he's a he) is always in our yard taunting the dogs or giving me evil looks. Seriously, he'll look at me through the window, unblinking, unwavering for full minutes. He's a creepy cat, there's just no other way to go about it.

So, poor HitlerCat is bleeding from his head/ear. It almost looks like the side of his head has been cut. I'm running late for the movie, it's late out, I frantically look to see if The Cat Lady is outside of her house, cause I know she was just 5 mins. previous while I was walking Penelope. She isn't. I falter for a minute or two, whispering, "go home, HitlerCat, go home."

He stares at me just a few moments longer, turns, and heads towards home. I know Cat Lady's home so I breathe a sigh of relief that I'm not going to have yet another late night animal encounter/rescue, and head on towards my movie.

So, HitlerCat, I hope you're alright, I don't know where you could've gotten a cut like that and I've seen you chilling with your homeboy raccoons before, so I don't think they'd suddenly turn on you. It was a lot of blood, so I'm still a little worried. But I'll keep my eye out for you in the next couple of days to make sure you're still around. Without you to bother me, the neighborhood will seem so empty.

This is just how it goes

Sometimes it feels like everyone is dying. Everyone is in mourning and everyone is in the hospital just waiting and waiting. I feel like my parents are older than everyone else's parents because everyone they know is sick and dying.

We spent almost all of last week in the hospital (visiting) and it's exhausting. And this week seems to be another long week filled with a grief that isn't even my own. At least once a month, usually twice, it's been funeral after funeral.

I feel like it was only just summer and everything felt perfect. The weather was beautiful and I only spent time loving and laughing and being more me and less this congestion. Even my blog illustrates this.

If I had to pick a time that marked the beginning of my current slump it was definitely after we got back from Hawaii. It was nothing but relaxing, vacation, us time. Getting back I remember a severe case of the vacation blues followed by 2 or 3 weeks of dog troubles, followed by hospital, followed by family crisis.

Basically, I'm ready for the good times. I'm ready to be happy. I'm ready and waiting for this to end.

Hear Me

All I can remember is this:

Having distinct, whole, formed sentances thoughts, and as much as I struggled little to no words would come out. Everyone around me struggled to understand.

And I was suddenly frustrated, not only at my inability to communicate what I needed, but the realization that I physically could not. I was trapped in a body that didn't work the way I expected it to. I heard the hush around me as everyone came to terms with the fact that I was "handicapped."

"No, I'm not retarded or anything. I have thoughts, I'm thinking, I have real sensible thoughts!" But all that came out were simple words.

Till I Drop

oh boy....

Dear world,

I have a problem. I am addicted to shopping. If I could make a list of the things I've purchased, you'd all be ashamed.

I don't want to have this problem!!! It just makes me feel so.... goood.... (sobs sobs sobs).

hahhaha. It's not the actual shopping that's so bad, because I surprisingly keep it in check. It's the feeling when I do shop.

And you know what?! Ebay TOTALLY exploits these feelings! Not only am I shopping, but I'm WINNING!!!!! I get obsessed! With thoughts like "well it's just unfair if they win 2 dollars over my budget, so... I'll increase my bid by 5." and the next thing you know I'm thinking "well, 10 dollars is like nothing. I'll increase it by 10." And then it's more like "well what can I REALLY afford? More than this. AND it's still less than store value..." Until suddenly I've won something for more money than I wanted to spend in the first place.

I can't get no satisfaction...

Deep, Deep, Deep

The sky is beautiful at home tonight.

It's like I look up and I can feel the pressure on my chest from the infinite depth. It's just deep, deep, deep. It's looking back in time a million years and you can feel it.

A million stars.

Endless and breathtaking every time.

On risk of sounding like a total lame-o and being my normal sydney over eager self I'm going to geek out in an abnormal way to geek out. AKA, I'm just going to be excited.

YYAAYY! Danielle is back!!!

That is all.

Today (the 8th) is officially mine and adam's 6 year anniversary. Le wow.

Dear world,

Take a big breath because I think it's time to jump.

Life is on the horizon and maybe I'll start living it.

Just maybe. Just maybe.

The Orchestra

I don't want to be this person that's always so down and out on myself. I don't want to be exactly everything I am right now. And sometimes I see what has to be done to fix it... and I just don't know how. and sometimes I know how but I don't know how to try. And sometimes I don't know if I'm trying too hard or if I'm continually giving up.

I'm at this strange spot in my life where nothing is happening and I want something to happen and I just don't know what. I've been waiting for this stroke of inspiration or to be hit by some magical faith in myself or to stumble onto something that just made sense. I've been not so patiently waiting for the peices to simply fall into place.

There's a part of me that says that nothing ever just "falls" into place, and that I can't WAIT for things to happen, I have to aggressively make it happen. I can't be passive about success, I need to stand up and grab at it.

But everytime I thought I had done that, when I saw that I was unhappy and aggressively worked for somethign better to make me happier, it hasn't worked out. I seemingly pick these things to do because i can't be doing nothing and I have to make it happen myself, with my own two hands. I force myself along and along and along, and suddenly I realize that I never wanted it to begin with, I just felt the need to have SOMETHING, ANYTHING.

So, I thought I would try something different this time. I wouldn't force myself to swallow anymore. I wouldn't be overtaken by the need to go, go, go, go. I would wait until I found something that I actually, truly, sincerely wanted so I could go for it, get there and be happy. I was waiting for something to make me want it.

And now I don't know. It hasn't come and maybe it never will. Maybe it won't make sense.

It's hard for me right now not to be really down and out on myself. I don't like to admit that I'm such a self-pitying kind of person, but I am. Or at least, I can be. Right now, I just don't know how to believe in myself. I just can't.

In case you were wondering...

The following are currently official:

• I am in the midst of a momentary black hole life crisis. These usually pass in a day or two's time.
• I am a complete and total internet stalker. Go ahead and ask me what I know you want to know but don't want to ask. I know. People should pay me for the information I can dig up.
• I also just received my Lubitel 2. My new medium format TLR that it one half vintage perfect condition wonder and one half gift from god. I haven't played with it TOO much because I've only had it 2 days. Here are some pictures of me and my new favorite toy.

PS I made an entry or two via cellphone email while in Hawaii, none went through apparently.

It's just been that kind of day

Penelope was sick all last night. I barely slept. I was cleaning up vomit all throughout the night. The poor thing looked so pathetic.

The vet, relatively unimpressed with her symptoms that confounded me (her face and eye were horribly swollen, then the vomiting, diarrhea, she peed in house which she hasn't done in over a month, and she was generally lethargic). He took her temp, barely looked at her, declared her fine. Fucking asshole. If she dies I'll blame him.

Spent all today babysitting (working on a saturday?). Slept most of the day much to emily and adam's chagrin.

It's nice to see the sky without hmb fog.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Si señor

Valparaiso en la noche

IMG00184-20090804-1347.jpg

Testing mobile picture blogging...
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Let's play that game, you know, the one where I tell one true story and one false and you have to guess which is which.

Last night I had this dream about climbing through a forest. I kept going up and up and up and I kept forgetting what I kept climbing for. I decided I was in love with the birds. I was in love with everything. So I kept on climbing.

Or maybe

Last night I didn't dream at all and it was just this heavy heavy dark and deep slumber where I felt and thought nothing and I felt emotionally congested all day long.

Is it cheating if they're both false and they're both true? Or only one is completely true and neither are actually false?

The Lou

My newest camera crave: A lubitel.

On Lomo I can get a brand spanking new plastic model complete with 1 year warranty for a balk-worthy three hundred and fifty dollars (I spell it out to emphasize the large amount).

OR!

Even better! I can get an old antique most likely working usually sans manual one on ebay for as low as 20!! Granted, the shipping is usually between 25 and 30 dollars. But hey, sounds like a deal to me!

As some of you may know I consider myself a not so artsy, not so fartsy, and not so talented type of person. (I don't MEAN to always be so self deprecating. To me, it isn't an insult or putting myself down, it's simply acknowledging my strengths and faults).

But I do have a growing interest in medium format film cameras. I think there's a potential for me to be SO interested I might even consider photography a hobby (take into consideration that many feel they can call themselves photographers with only a small sense of vanity. I am not this. not quite yet, at least. I'm just a person that takes pictures sometimes). The thing that stops this from being an actual hobby, you wonder?

The mooooonnneeeeeeeey. Developing and printing film runs quite high. I wish I could afford it a thousand times more often.

For now I'm saving money for mine and Adam's trip. But when I get back? Watch out ebay, my unemployed ass is out to get you.

On other hands: underwater camera in hawaii? you're SO on.

So today I was listening to the radio and that beyonce song "halo" came on. It was a weird song. And then I started thinking about julie and julia and husbands and wives and girls and love and such.

It led me to this:
I have never and probably will never revere a man like that. He's an angel? A saint?? What does that make me? If I think he is those things then what must I think I am? A monster?

And it's kind of gross to imagine a woman, a girl, who thinks SO highly of her significant other that he's her angel, wears a halo, or is a saint. Adam, who is a thousand times wonderful and completely considerate, and always going to do the right thing. To me, even he isn't so high and mighty as to be *evangelical.* I've never thought he was SO great I was blessed just to be loved by him.

So dear world, stop making love sound so gross and servile. No matter what you say he's no god. Just a lowly human like you

The Art of Variation

You know what I get really sick of?

I mean, don't get me wrong, I love art in general, and certain kinds of art (i'll keep it vauge for ease). And I frequent popular art geared blogs and websites and like to see the new sorts of things coming out.

But I'm getting really rather bored. Because I'm sick of all the white girls. No offense for those of a more "fair" complexion. One is not better than the other but I feel like that's rarely represented in popular art. Or possibly just "pop art."

The pictures are these whimsical, gorgeous, breathtaking, and beautiful pictures of women in various states: strong, weak, clothes, naked, plain, adorned, sketched, painted, sculpted, and photographed. And they're nice.

But brown women can be these same things too... And it isn't even just a 'colored' woman that I want to see: I want to see variation. There'll be a sea of red haired, blonde haired, tawny haired, but always white girls... And then one black woman. And if we're lucky a japanese or chinese girl. I want to scream at the world that there are things that exist between these points on the map. All asian is summed into chinese or japanese, all brown is summed into black. I want to see girls I can relate to. I want to see one white, one brown, one tan, one black, and one everything girl.

Even some of the artists I see online that are of a "brown descent" draw these stunningly beautiful blonde girls.

And it's just. so. boring. I get bored of the same eye shapes and nose shapes and chin lines.

Let's start a revolution.

"You can't eat it but it sustains you"

Late night blog times!!! YAY! It's so exciting for me to have ramble blabber mouth via typos and squinty eyes!! (by that I mean sleepy eyes. not asian ones.)

A couple of things to talk about.

First off, Happiness:
To be ridiculous I could say that I love to be happy (because I know all the rest of you despise it). But to be more coherent and less ri-cock-ulous I will say this: being out with friends, laughing and joking around and talking, actually talking, I feel more like myself. I feel like I'm remembering who I am and coming into my own and being the person I think I am. And that I'm grateful for that.

The upside to be a constantly pessimistic and oft times depressed whine-azoid, is that when I'm happy and truly happy, I know it, I let it run through every part of me. It's like stretching and blossoming, and I don't take it for granted for one second. I'm there and I'm present and I love life and I love my friends and I love myself.

and that's just great.

Second, Tattooooos:

In a flurry of online-ness, late night sleepy face searching, and perhaps a blur of strange deciscion making, I've decided that I need to get the tattoos I've been wanting for awhile asap. I think I want 3... And I'm just SO excited.

Here's the thing. there are a handful of writers that I think to first when I consider favorites. My favorites are my favorites because in some way or other I feel like reading them has utterly and undeniably changed my life. It sounds cheesy but I'm completely sincere. There have been times when the things I have been reading have ignited and inspired me, have helped me grow and walked along the same path as me, have pulled me through and saved me. So it's really important to me, picking which small tidbit, which meager bite of the literary sydney pie, I pick.

Here are the main life changers for me, I think: Gabriel Garcia marquez, pablo neruda, kurt vonnegut (an extreme favorite and incredibly loved but I'm debating whether or not he was a life changed or just an interest and hobby), Anais nin, and Isabel Allende.

I've already practically decided on a pablo neruda quote, "In secret, between the shadow and the soul" with a possible extended version of, "I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, / In secret, between the shadow and the soul."

there is the possible K.V. quote, "Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt." Which I like.

And I don't know if there are any good isabel allende quotes or if I'll ever be able to pick just one g.g.m. one.

Oh the choices, oh the permanence.

A little bit country, a little bit of Rock and Roll

Things I need:

• A job
• A life
• Something to do in the afternoon
• A serious nap.

I'm pretty sure I used to be somewhat... artsy. Nowadays all I do is half assed arts and crafts with my little sister. I feel stagnant, like I haven't produced or done anything worth being proud of in a while. Post-college, sans job, I feel like a deadbeat with no beat. complain, complain, complain, it's all I ever do.

I tell myself it's ok to slouch around for a little while, trying to figure myself out. Because really? I have absolutely no clue. I don't know what I want to do, I don't even know what kinds of things I want to do. I don't know what I enjoy and what makes me feel like a viable human being. And that's ok. Everyone needs to take some time to do these sorts of things all the time... At least, in movies they always do... And I guess it's better I take the time out to do it now rather than 30 years from now (although figuring this out 4 years ago instead of now would have been a better idea). Knowing me, I'll decide something and a handful of eyars later change my mind again. It's a bad habit but I guess it's only human.

And seriously, holy hell, it just took me 5 minutes and a calculator for me to decide if I'm 22 or 23. I keep forgetting... Which is strange. Does this mean I'm getting to that girly age where I start denying how old I am? Nah, I've always had trouble remembering how old I am. Ever since I was 15 when people ask my first instinct is to say whatever number comes to mind first. Either way, time is passing and my "it's ok to figure myself out" time is waning.

Dear world, what am I going to do with myself?

Sometimes I question whether or not my hives still come every day... Maybe my quasi-illness has subsided and I'm just taking medicine for nothing! Somtimes I want to test not taking any of my medications at all (there are 3).

And then there are nights like tonight, when I forget to take my meds at all and then 3 hours later I realize because it feels like my body has been doused with hot oil. I don't know, obviously, what that feels like, but it's definitely an intense burn and itch covering my entire body. I quickly become red and inflamed. I've likened it to a REALLY bad sunburn: hurts to the touch, burns so much I feel a little feverish stemming from just below the skin, itchy but too tender to itch without pain, redness. Oh, and include swollen hands, fingers, toes, facial features, and the pads of my feet.

I really hope one day this subsides, one day really soon. Cause it really is unbearable.

The Cosmo Blues

For some reason, lately, I've felt very out of touch with the women of the world and sometimes with being a woman myself. It's kind of a strange thing... I've never felt any sort of shame or embaressment or closed-ness about every part of my feminity but I kind of do all of a sudden... As if there is private information that i can't let on to everyone else. Which, as I'm sure many of you know, is SO not my style!

And today, while doing my FAVORITE thing (walking aimlessly in the drug store), after having a brief period talk with Danielle, I suddenly realized I haven't read a woman's magazine in a LONG time. I somehow missed it. I missed glamour photoshop shots and TMI filled sex surveys. I tend to stay away from them because I despise the advertisements of disembodied women and seeing the fashion shoots with women making dead faces/murdered faces and the whole "how to please your man" constant theme. It makes me sick. I think I might hate everything a woman's fashion magazine stands for. All the blonde, skinny, perfect, and normalized girls make me sad. I tend to read nat. geo.s, newsweeks, the occasional rolling stones, various arts and crafts mags, and even a popular science every so now and again. In a perfect world I could let go of my wedding magazine obsession. In defense of that one they usually have very little to do with women or murdered looking fashion. It's all about favors and fonts and dresses and colors and cakes, my favorite things! And plus, any kinds ofmagazines that feature different letterpress companies are 10 points, by me.

BUT ANYWAYS! Today I suddenly wanted to read one. front to cover. As a compromise I just browsed one while in the store. I skimmed the "what men want in bed" survey that took up like 4 pages, I laughed at the "are you bad girl hot or good girl hot?" quiz, and I only glanced at the fashion spread. Then I stumbled on something that's relatively normal women's mag sort of stuff that I kind of forgot about...

The part where it's actually about women. it talked about bodies and periods and girl-like questions and feelings. I found myself surprised that there were things *I* actually think and wonder about. It answered questions for me that I haven't thought to google, didn't pick up in any of my many health classes, and my sciences mags didn't answer.

I put the magazine back and went aboutmy drugstore trip. I squished the dr. scholl's insoles, I picked out unshreddable floss, I oggled highlights and pencils that I don't need, I browsed condoms.

And then on my way home it started to sink in... That small section was a small consolation to women across the contry that, "hey, you aren't alone. You're normal. That thing that happens to your body that you're too embaressed to ever ask your girlfriends about? It happens to plenty of us! There's nothing wrong with you!" And that's nice.

In a haystack of bad things, I found a good one. And that's not so bad.

Howdy

Items I have for my costume:

• Cowboy man shirt hemmed for girly body minus sleeves = long cute shirt / too short dress
• Cowboy kids hat made of straw with a cowboy star on the front
• Kick ass cowboy boots from thrift shop

I'm also adding pre-owned (meaning I already owned them) denim shorts. And I'm still hoping to get a cute white dress and a belt. Also, I am convinced my locket is somewhat western. And so are my peacock feather earrings I've yet to wear.

Bitching

Because I'm tired, on my period, and a little crabby can I just saying something? And it'll be along the same lines of my usual comments in the middle of the night:

Now that we're out of high school and slowly gathering steam in our 20's, is it too much to ask that people not blog about: wah wah, no one cares about me. boo hoo, all my friends aren't really my friends. And I wish someone would come and think about ME for once.

cause ew. No one cares about you? either keep it to yourself or learn to care about yourself. Your friends aren't your friends? then dump them, get new ones, or be alone. Because it's better to know you have no friends than to have fake friends and beg them via blog to care about you. Also, if you're asking to be the center of attention, chances are that this request isn't a one time thing, so get over it. As much as we wish it did, the world doesn't revolve around you.

these sort of sentiments are normal, healthy, albeit annoying ones when we're 16, 17, or hey, even 18. But 22? 23? Don't people start having a bit of security by then?

Get a life.

On a positive note: I had a great day. Puppy classes, nap, hang outs, little bit of the babysitting, a couple of walks, too many s'mores, and a mediocre movie. The bests. Also, my puppy is sleeping in the bathroom right now, COMPLETELY knocked out. It's freakin' adorable.

Another thing to complain about: I think my jacket with my keys in it was stolen. The jacket was like a couple hundred bucks a handful of years ago and it's like 100 to get a new key for my car. My house keys, while replacable, kind of hold a lot of sentimental meaning, as silly as that is. I've had this one keychain since I first started learning to drive at like 15, there's a gift key that Adam has a match to, a little lock that I've had since I was 17. They aren't terribly important things, but things I'd like to have back nonetheless. Also, the convenience factor.

Nine thing to be happy about

A list of awesome things from my day!

1. Sleeping in.
2. Cute puppy being not that bad.
3. Making suncatchers
4. seeing an episode of Wizards that I've never seen before
5. Hip hop class!
6. Ice cream
7. Getting to hang out with Danielle (shout out!)
8. Nighttime walk with the dogs and my dad (and we even got along!)
9. Tofu, broccoli, and tonkatsu for dinner (did everyone know that my mom is probably one of the BEST, most diverse, and gourmet cooks EVER?)

What could possibly make this day any better?

Only time will tell.

The Cowboy Times

Cowboy costume almost complete!!!!

I should make and wear and do costume WAY more often.

Some more that I'm dying to put together:

• Sailor
• 70's disco queen

OK wait, that's a short list... But these are ones I quite sincerely want.  Costume themes that I'd love to actually integrate into everyday life!

About Me

I've lately been thinking about: If I had to describe myself quite sincerely, without irony or embaressment myself in several qualities, what would I say? Almost, a MySpace about me without the networking, whorey pictures, and minus TheSpace. If I had to simplify myself in, to pick an arbitrary number, 5 qualities, what would be most important? here's what I've come up with so far.

• I am Brown. Yes, this is at the top of the list. And to be completely honest I rarely even consider myself first asian or first filipino. First, I am brown. I haven't decided if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Growing up in a place that's predominantly caucasian, I don't hesitate to say that being so brown was... different. There were times that I would have given almost anything to be able to have pretty light hair or be able to consider myself "fair" skinned but I've grown up since then. I've had no choice but to learn to embrace and love the fact that I'm brown. I can't vouch for whether or not my color made my life any easier or harder but I can say it has defined in some way.
• I am a very habitual person. That is to say, once I've developed a habit it's a thousand times hard for me to break it and if something is outside of my norm it's hard for me to incorporate it as a new habit. This is one of the reasons I don't let myself dabble in drinking or drugs: once I'm there I'd let myself fall into it full force. Being habitual is a very fine line between beign a person prone to obsessions or addictions. This also applies to my relationships: I'm either all in or all out. When i have to quit a friend or a habit, it's like detox. I feel the entire spectrum of emotions swining from one to the other in seconds and barely scraping by, I have to drag myself out of it inch by inch, almost not escaping death.
• I was an English major. When it came to thinking about school, even though I graduated as a legal studies major, I'm much more like an english major in every sense of it. My first memories of being angry was anger at the fact that I couldn't read yet when I was 4. It isn't abnormal or surprising for me to stay up all night for weeks at a time if I'm interested in a series of books enough. I practically define myself by the books I read: classics because I can't come to grips with the everyday life of modern literature, magical realism because I'm such a dreamer that reality couldn't ever be enough, and love stories because I could never fall out of love with love.
• I'm from a pretty big family. And I feel like no one could ever truly know me until they know my family, if even only to see how we're all exactly the same (and all exactly opposites). My parents have been together for 32( 31? 33?) years and they've had kids like this: Sonny, (18 mos.) Grace, (2 yrs), Santiago, (6 yrs) Me, and then (12 yrs.) Emily. And to tell a little about all of them in just a couple of words. My mom was from the dirtiest, poorest part of some city or other in the philippines (so i've been told) and she's half crazy, half hilarious, and half super bad ass. I think we're too alike and it puts us at odds. All of our flaws are the same so we haven't yet managed to find a way to be close. My dad's family was so rich in the philippines that they owned a zoo and when his dad died he was willed PLANTATIONS. Both my parents come from pretty turbulent (and interesting) family backgrounds which I may get into at a future date. Both were in a gang as teenagers, had kids early, and are now super paranoid about pretty much anything that can harm. My brother Sonny is currently.... thirty.... something... 31? He's got 4 kids ranging in age from 14 to 4. He looks like a teddy bear, is a total goof ball to everyone but me and so far has proved hard to actually know. My sister Grace is the family member I'm closest to. Even though we're 8 years apart I like to think that a majority of our lives we've been best friends. She can be a little aggressive, a little obstinate, and occassionally a little scary, but she always means well. She's also the biggest scaredy cat in the world and owner of co-fraidy cat, Tsunami. Then there's my brother Santi, he's 2... 20.... 28? And he has a baby named Zoey who I babysat for a little while. We're currently in a fight in a big sort of way and I'll sum it up in saying that he's a really volatile kind of guy. He thinks he can make his own rules no matter what that implies: sometimes good and sometimes bad. And then there's my little sister, only 10. I'm babysitting her and trying to teach her how to be a kid. She's mostly really nervous, pretty lazy, way paranoid (direct from the parentals), but all around a good kid. I could get into my family for PAGES but I'll stop myself here, even though I've rambled for quite some time. I hate my family, sometimes I like my family, but there's no ifs, ands, or buts about it, They're one of the biggest parts of me.
• And for the long awaited number 5!!! What else is there to me? I guess I might as well admit I'm just a hardcore romantic. I love Love and I spend at least a little bit of time every day contemplating the meanings, boundaries, and stretches of love. I've come up with mor elove analogies and metaphors than anyone cares to know, I suck up love stories via book, tv, movies, and friends' lives like it were water. There's nothing I'm more excited to talk about than someone's recent fall into love, out of love, problems with love, or exaltations. I've got a pretty stable love life myself (5 years and going strong to number 6 in a couple of months) so when I say that I love love, I really mean it. I don't love flings or affairs or people cheating twenty million times. I don't care for half assed definitions of love. We're all allowed different takes or even mistakes but fake love is one thing and actual love is another. I opt for the second.

And so, that's me. For those of you that know me, was I right? Was I wrong? Do I have a really slanted perception of myself?

And what about you? I think everyone should do it. So world, What are 5 things that truly define you?

Sunday Funday

Here's what feels like the fact of the matter:

In order to get my life together I need a job. And in order to get a job I really need to get my life together.

If the world were perfect and it were easy to follow what we want to do and there were no such thing as a need for money then maybe all of this would be easier to figure out.

I don't know what I want to do with my life. I have barely a clue. I know what I DON'T want to do, which I guess is a start. I just have to sort out what exactly is the path to the end.

I have to stop feeling so down and out about myself because it's kind of gross and it really doesn't help anything. We're all allowed to feel a little lost sometimes just not all the time.

I'm a work in progress, and really, I'm trying. It's a long and sometimes ugly road. It's the journey that's important. And at least I'm sure of a couple of things:

I going to do it. And I deserve it.

Complaints

Today my little sister asked me a question that suddenly made me put my life into a new life. I'm the kind of person that doesn't always understand myself or the things I do or my life in general until I'm asked to explain it. That's part of the reason I blog. But either way, my little sister asked me if in high school if there was a certain college I was looking forward to. And in my usual rather forward and blunt fashion I decided to tell the truth. And for the first time I put it into words. I told her:

About half way through high school I gave up on myself. I stopped believing I could do anything and I stopped wanting good things for myself. I gave up on school and so I did really badly. So when graduation time came around, I couldn't even believe I could get into any college. I didn't even want to try. So I went to community college.

Not to say community college was all that bad, or that's why everyone goes there. It did me good for the 2 or 3 years I went. But for the first time I actually looked it in the face. I have the tendacy to just give up on myself. It comes down to it and I can't believe in myself.

And what an ugly, horrible quality. What a pathetic, sniveling quality.

Take dance for instance: I danced almost my entire life. Since I was 4 years old because my mom thought I would love to be a ballerina because I walked on my tip toes all the time. And almost every day I danced I loved it. I wasn't any good, that much is inevitable. I was a goose in a class of swans. I was in this prolonged ugly stage as a brace-faced super dark brown girl in a room of perfect nosed, piano playing, and bone-thin girls. But that shouldn't have mattered. Because I wasn't there to be a star, I wasn't there to go to dance college or be the lead in the recital. I was there because I loved it. But I got so tired of being the one that stood out and being told I was only a copper or a bronze or getting the sympathy silver. We literally had exams every year and we were GRADED. I cried everytime I got my grade back because I put so much of my heart into it. So I walked away. I can't even remember what I told myself to justify quitting, I just remember feeling heart broken, like I let myself down. In the face of adversity instead of shining, I gave up on myself.


How does one start believing again? How?

New laptop!!

GPOYW: Monday, bored, and playing with my webcam edition.

See, I can be like all the other internet girls. Aren't I just as cute?

Real life rambles: Hip-Hop class tonight!!! Also attempting to try ballet and contemporary classes. Just started Tango Argentino with Adam.

Yippie kai yay

I'm going cowgirl a la Zooey Deschanel via The Go Getter.

The movie felt like it really started during the second half. If you only count that part, it was a good sweet movie. Interesting, but not trying too hard to be so. If you count the beginning too then it was only mediocre. Left me wondering what the hellw as going on more often than not. But we all know I secretly have an indie crush on zooey deschanel. It was all after the horrible remake of the Wizard of Oz, Tin Man. Anyone who plays dorothy gets insta-points from me.

Anyone who dresses like a cowboy/cowgirl gets even more. Especially when they pull it off so cute as she does.

(I still can't WAIT to see 500 days of summer)

UPDATE APPROXIMATELY 10 MINS LATER:

P.S. Zooey deschanel, I was browsing internet pictures of you and apparently you were blonde at one point. Don't do that. ever. again. seriously. Not only do you look horrendous but you lose SERIOUS points for it. SERIOUSLY.

Is Insanity Inherited? It feels like it sometimes...

There are days....

There are days that I am grateful my family is so wonderful and wholesome and absolutely normal.

Then there are other days...

Now, don't get me wrong, they're cool and all I guess.

But it's currently 9:45 in the evening and what do I get?!!? A TEXT MESSAGE FROM MY MOM.

Oh, now, a text message, that's pretty normal. My family texts and emails more than we talk, so ok, I can handle that.

If you ever wonder where I get my crazy from it's definitely from my family. And to many of you I have tried to explain my kooky, complicated, large, and oftentimes infuriating family. But I think this might top the cake.

MY MOM MASS TEXT-ED MY ENTIRE FAMILY HER LIVING WILL.

double you tee eff.

seriously?

SERIOUSLY.

Five flavors of crazy, 18 crazy points, 16 tiers on the crazy cake.

And what brought this upon us? Michael Jackson's death.

Who does that?1 Who does crazy stupid looney things like that!?!? MY MOM! THAT'S WHO!

I immediately went to her room (yes, i'm like 20 ft. away, just in the other room) to tell her that she's crazy and crazy and the only word I can think of is crazy. I then remind her that I request life insurance about a month ago, so maybe now that she's afraid she'll die we can consider my death. She agrees, says that everyone should have life insurance.

My 10 yr. old little sister wraps up the conversation with, "Do I have life insurance?"

I feel like right now I need something to ground me. Something to hold me down.

Because right now I'm spinning. I'm falling out of control. I'm floating and I just want to feel like I'm really here again.

Espresso Black

I haven't been blogging as of late due to computer unreliability and internet fuckassedness. BUT!

Get this... I'm excited... Are you READY?!??!

I'M GETTING A NEW LAPTOP! HURRAH! HUZZAH! HOORAY! WOO HOO! YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!

I've wanted a new laptop probably since I got my last one... Which was what.... 4 years ago? Possibly 5? No, It must have been 4.... Anyways, I had a Sony VAIO something or other or other as a.... birthday? gift from my parents. My dad knows people at Sony so he got a refurbished something or other for relatively cheap. I know absolutely nothing about my old laptop, come to think of it. What the memory or RAM was.... Either way, It was good for awhile, great for a time, and then it died.

I can blame lindsay lohan all I want for my laptop's death but the truth of the matter is that it was just meant to be. It was an old thing that I trekked with me to the far reaches of CSM, LA and every single day to Santa Cruz. For a while it was my main computer (especially after the death of my desktop) but again, it is dead. Well not COMPLETELY dead.It turns on and you can use it for sometimes even an hour until the blue screen of death and even then it has to be plugged in cause the battery will die otherwise and I'm too damn cheap to buy a battery for a laptop that barely works anyways!

Anyways, I digress, I'm rambling and I need to hurry up and finish so I can get ready for the day.

I GOT A NEW LAPTOP! I got it for a really good price with everythign I wanted, 4gb RAM, 320 harddrive, intel centrino core duo whateverwhatsits. And it's cute. There were a lot of customizable options given that it's an hP but when I compared how much I needed or wanted them to the price I mostly just opted out of them (other than the higher than standard RAM). I got fancy employee discount on it, so I'm even happier. I also feel the need to brag about how ridiculously cheap it was compared to a macbook. So hah, take that.

Cause let's be honest, I want to say at least half, if not more, mac owners don't really NEED a mac. They get them because they're trendy and cool and they look absolutely beautiful. While my laptop isn't absolutely beautiful, it's definately cute and I REALLY don't need anything a mac has to offer for the price. So yay, entertainment/consumer geared laptop for half the price for me.

ALSO! It was so cheap it gives me a little leftover of my graduation money to take dance classes! so I'll update about that EVENTUALLY.

Here are some important things to note:
1) I've had little to no computer access lately which is the reason for my lack of updates. I'm considering buying a new laptop with my grad money but I'm afraid I'll regret spending it all on one thing.

2) My dog is an asshole because she won't take no for an answer. When I'm mad at her I call her my dog otherwise she is my puppy. We're having trouble potty training and biting. She's a wild filly and I haven't decided if I want to break her spirit.

3) I really need to start being more aggressive and proactive about working towards a better life for myself because I pretty much gave up on that like 2 months ago after the sterling and clack interviews. Obviously someone broke my spirit.

4) My graduation dress was a hit. It's been my only success as of late so I'll bathe in it. I had the cutest dress and the oh so cutest shoes. Let's play dress up!

Meet Penelope!!!!

I absolutely undeniably completely and utterly love my new puppy.

She's SO sweet! Really calm and mellow, especially a puppy but she's also really playful. She knows how to fetch a ball already! And to sit! and she's housebroken!!!

We picked her up at the airport and I just melted. She's so small and soft and absolutely perfect!

We've played all day, gone to the dog store, took a couple naps, gone on a bunch of walks, met a lot of people, taken some drives, and cuddled a BUNCH. I carry her around like she'll be this small forever.

She's met James Bond and Tsunami... Their relationships are... tentative.

Her paws are ridiculously soft too. Her tongue is a really dark purple. She's about 14 pounds of lovable fluff.

The End.








Also: new blog - The Dog Blog

Jenny Lewis

I can't even begin to describe how phenomenal Jenny Lewis was. I can't even wrap my brain around how she can sing THAT good. It's like golden honey or something equally smooth and shiny and absolutely awe-inspiring. Not only do I wish I could sing like her, I wish I could BE her. Every day.

How do people sing like that?! I don't know!!! How are people THAT talented and jaw droppingly awesome?!

And to top it off she was a great performer. I have no idea how I'll weed out only a couple of pictures to post on here. There's so many and I want to show them ALL. I want to go again. I want to go to everyone of her shows every day every where. She was just THAT good.

And while the pictures make her look relatively somber, it was a completely different experience from watching Rilo Kiley because she seemed somehow more animated. She seemed happier, smiling more, as if she were genuinely enjoying her time performing. Not that she seemed UNhappy in Rilo Kiley, it was just a different feel. Her whole face moved, sometimes grimacing or contorting, she snarled often. I loved it. 

She played with Barbara, the drummer (who later also sang and played guitar), Danielle who played various instruments and sang, some guy with big glasses, Fisherman Dave or some such on an instrument I can't even begin to name and Jonathan Rice, her current boyfriend.

 

Rise up with fists...

It was seriously amazing. All of my favorite songs were played and her voice was like perfection 101% of the time. I have 3 short videos that I may post later on.

Also, we bought a poster, and while waiting for the set change, a guy came up to us asking if it was the poster at the merch shop. Turns out he made it! So the entire show and after we chatted to him and kind of made a new friend! He showed up process pictures of screen printing the posters and it was all around cool.  I'm a stalker and looked at his website (on his business card that he exchanged with Adam), his work is REALLY cool and he's been able to work with a lot of awesome bands. He resides at: Tragic Sunshine . He was a really nice guy, his posters are super cool. And... Well, Adam and I are always excited when ANYone talks to us. That's how uncool we are. 

Also, please note: Tomorrow I'll bomb the internet with pictures of my puppy. It's arriving at 10:35, available for pickup at 11:35. New blog to follow.

Updates: Mimicking Bird and The Sadies

And finally, up to date stuff. Tonight, May 28th, at the Fillmore, Adam and I went to see Jenny Lewis (main singer from Rilo Kiley).

Opening acts for Jenny Lewis. The Sadies, although I've never heard them were exciting and awesome. Everyone really got into it and they were really great. I'm glad I got to hear them play live or else I never would have discovered them!

The Mimicking Birds: their myspace is here. 

The Sadies: who are found right over here. 

This guy and his brother. They both played guitar and... the one standing to my left also played what looked like a violin, but was played more fiddle-ish.

And any band with and upright bassist is ten points by me.

Especially one that looks this cool.

Updates: Graduation Announcement Pictures

Well, my parents requested I have a picture to go along with my announcement and instead of getting the standard cap and gown LifeTouch school portrait Adam and I did a little photo shoot in my backyard.

Here's a few, so all you blog readers remember what I look like.

Also, I had Adam photoshop out how much I was breaking out on my forehead for the final chosen picture.

AND, I wore the flower because it was so over the top it just had to be Me.

As you can see, my face doesn't have many ways to show cheesy fake smiles. My favorite was the third cause it was most "Me" but the final vote on that one was that it showed too much cleavage.

The final choice is the last one. With added soft focus edges and slight color changes. 

Updates: Tunnel Vision

As we drove further up the hill we came upon Construction 129, an unfinished military something or other. It was way strange and way cool. Read more here: Construction 129  

We also got a chance to listen to the tunnel singer perform ( Her site is here: http://www.tunnelsinger.com ) It was unexpected, surreal, strangely eerie, and beautiful. 

Here is the open pit where the cannon was supposed to be placed.

Possibly one of my favorite graffiti messages I've ever seen. Even if later I realized it's a Lil Wayne quote. Maybe I should start listening to more rap if this is what they're saying...

In the tunnels there were these strange pitch black rooms. I mean, incredibly horribly pitch black. The darkness seemed impenetrable. I dared Adam to go in, even tried to push and drag him. We cautiously approached the doorways. It was as if the darkness pulsed and repelled us. It was seriously one of the scariest things I've encountered. And then Adam screamed and grabbed me scaring the SHIT out of me. I've never been that scared, I literally pushed him and BOLTED out of there! I haven't run that fast with that much determination in as long as I can remember. When I realized he was just messing with me, due to my embarrassment at my very sincere and genuine fear I fell into hysterical laughter and we attempted to venture back to the rooms. We never went past one step into the doorway, it was just far too terrifying.

We used Adam's camera flash to look inside and illuminate the pure black. Surprisingly enough there were really intricate and detailed graffiti on every wall. It was amazing.

And here is the view from the other end of the tunnel. You could also see a lighthouse, a windy road, and the ocean to infinity.

One of the best weekends I've had in as long as I can remember: failed hikes, small parks, little towns, big scares and all.

Updates: Golden Gate Style

After we went to the forest park and gave up on Mill Valley we had your standard vista point/Golden Gate Bridge Photo op. These are pretty standard San Francisco, but it's always fun to go up and remember what a beautiful place you get to live in.

Updates: Forest Addition

I'm about to slap through a slew of updates from the past month or so! This isn't everything I've done, these are just the pictures I'm finally getting onto my computer!

Mine and Adam's weekend getaway to Mill Valley a handful of weeks ago. (The last week of april was it? I don't know, either way).

We walked around a *very* small park as we half heartedly looked to Mt. Tam and/or the Muir woods... We didn't find it but this teeny tiny park was coolish...

It had tall trees with old men playing guitar and people walking their kids and dogs

Just for the record, my hair was NOT in pigtails. it looks like it in this picture for some reason...

The Science of Sleep

Last night I had a dream I was dancing, I remember every step. For the first time for as long as I can remember I felt something inside of me that once defined me. I think it was beauty. I didn't care for anything. For anything outside of those movements. I wasn't lost for once, I found myself. Like something was coursing through me, from fingertip to fingertip, through my heart and every inch of me. It was like I was suddenly released from a vacuum and the air stopped crushing me. Like my heart was beating. Like my lungs were growing. Like everything inside of me was growing. growing. growing outwards. Like I wasn't trapped anymore.


I don't know what makes me feel more alive: my dreams or my actual life.

I don't know what makes me more afraid: my life or my dreams.

Which haunts me more?

Either way, I can't seem to exist only in one. I can't seem to find myself in either one. Sleeping or awake I feel dislodged. I feel I should be in some other sort of world. No matter where I am I feel lost.

3 Month Eval

So, it's mid May, approximately 3 months since I finished with school. I've sent out more resumes than I can begin to count and have had two interviews. Still unemployed. I've taken the really big step back of part-timing it at my parent's office.

Here's a list of pros and cons

Pros:

• Money is money and work is work. I need money. I need work.
• My parents REALLY need the help at the office and can't really afford to hire someone else.
• It's LIKE I have a job because I get paid (sans tax), make my own hours (aka sleep in till 11), and when I don't want to do something, I admit, I cop out with, "I don't REALLY work here."
• Also, it gives me something to do in a day other than play video games and sleep and waste time online.
• And I don't have to take crappier jobs or jobs I'm completely not interested in because I have this sort of safety net. In other words, it allows me to have standards while job hunting, which I can only assume a normal person doesn't always have the luxury.
• Such as, telling my stupid temp agency bitch no everytime she offers me work for like 3 hours for a handful of dollars. It's kind of satisfying in its own way...

Cons:

• A step backwards is  step backwards. I'm not learning anything new, I'm not gaining any new experience I can hope to apply later, I'm not creating any sort of network. I'm professionally isolated.
• My parents are REALLY big bitches on occassion. The yelling and mood swings are a little much to deal with every day ALL day.
• The things I do here stress me out to a maximum, more so than another job. With another job I'd be allowed the distance of knowing that it's a business. It runs itself, isn't dependant on me, my life is relatively untouched. Here? The things I'm doing DIRECTLY affect not only my life but my entire family's life. If a deal falls through here I see the repercussions on our groceries that week, or on utilities being shut down.
• I think I've grown complacent. I've grown disgustingly satisfied at being static...
• I don't have the pride or the sense of accomplishment from having a REAL job.

Another thing to note, I've actually grown REALLY discouraged and don't send out as many resumes as I used to... Ok, I'll be honest, I haven't sent out any. It's tiring though! Writing and rewriting and proofing cover letters, sifting through ads, determining what I'll compromise on or not. It's wearing down on me. And I know you aren't supposed to take breaks, but god, I feel so dismal.

It's this weird mediocre depression where I'm not exactly SAD or self pitying... I'm just really lackluster. I have no motivation to do anything, I have no energy to complete things. I just want to sit and sleep and waste away time until something forces me to wake up. I don't want to die or anything melodramatic. I just feel really really... Tired. Tired of the day to day, tired of morning to morning. I'm tired of being so in the middle. I'm fed up. I am unhappy yet I'm too unhappy and too powerless to change anything TO make me happy which bothers me even more.

I've been like this for 3 months with no end in sight, according to the latest economic reports.

What am I supposed to do?

Just so you know...

My family has announced this past weekend that for my graduation gift I'm getting a puppy. I've spent all week searching for names. Here's my list so far, please add your two cents:

• Penelope (For short possibly Penny)
• Penelope Neruda (Penny N.)
• Hamburger
• Rilo
• Ella, Elle, or Stella
• Einstein
• Chunkers
• Oscar (it's a girl but I can't help but love boy dog names. They sound rounder)
• Calypso (Cala)
• Soleil
• Hubble

And believe you me, that's the SHORT list! I want a name that's not too embaressing to scream down the streets if she ever get's lost. I once had  dog named Dog-Dog, that was embaressing. But I want it to be a humorous name, something that's slightly ridiculous. I like the thought of a really ridiculous dog name. And of course, it has to be euphonious.

I'm hoping to have a long list of dog names, get the dog, play with it a little while, and then pick. I hope that I see the puppy and my heart collapses and all I can think is, "That's my dog!"

But speaking of graduations, I got my announcements in the mail, I've folded them all, I've even taken my picture for distribution! All I have to do now is the long process of addressing them by hand!

So, about a week till D(og)-Day, a month till my ceremony, and 2 days till Adam's birthday!!!

OMFG

Dear Blogger Readers,

Please guess what this is.

Cause OMFG. seriously.