And What Experience Have You Had that Applies to this Position?

Erhm... It's one o'clock and I have to be up at 7 tomorrow... Yet I'm still messing around the internet. I sucks.

I feel like this blog has run its course, I don't update it ever I don't even like updating, and almost all my thoughts feel inappropriate....

Tomorrow I have an interview at a law firm... I hope it goes well, obviously, but I won't put all my eggs in the same damn basket. (ker-sigh) job hunting is so.... trying. It's like I'm at level 4 depressed about it (1 being the worst?) and I don't want to get any worse and things aren't getting better and it's just so.... so... not only helpless frustration but... so unchanging. It isn't like you get a progress report or you know what level you're at and what you need to get the job. It's like an ebay star, you need a certain amount of points to get the damn star. And so because you know how many points you need you're more willing to hang out "ok, 6 more positive reviews and I have the yellow star!" Finding a job is just wandering in the dark looking for a light switch and the walls change position every 10 seconds. There's no one there telling you "hot, hot... Hotter, hotter, SUPER hot!" like when you're a kid. It's just aimless and progressionless absolutely unchanging undirected waiting. If I have an interview does that mean I'm closer to getting a job? No, because until I get the job it's all square 1. God... I'm so sick of square 1.

I mean, how many times should I change my resume and take new approaches on cover letters? How many interview outfits until someone picks me? I mean, I shined my shoes tonight! SHINED THEM! BY HAND! I shined my fucking shoes. I just want someone, practically anyone at this point, to say, "Hey Sydney, look at all this experience you have! and wow! a college degree? Awesome!! I think you're great and I pick you. I want you. You're the one." Is that really so hard?! Is that REALLY so hard?!???

Or at least I'd like to know that I was somehow on my way. That I'm not treadmilling. I'm going somewhere. Yea, That'd be nice...

La Fin de Semana

It's always hard to come home after a nice weekend.

Adam and I went to Mill Valley for a cute little weekend getaway. We didn't do much hiking mostly because we went to some jank ass park. We went to a vista point on the southbound side of the Golden Gate Bridge. We went further up the hill to these old fort/gun/cannon sites and the top of Hawk's hill. Then on to Union Square for a whole lot of nothing.

Pictures to come...

Last minute britney concert, THE CIRCUS

500 Days of Summer

Inspired by the heat wave that's been baking everything out here I want to take this opportunity to gush about this movie I've been DYING to see.

500 days of summer.



Practically everyone I know doesn't like Zooey Deschanel but I can't help let my feelings for her grow. Maybe it's the fact that her name is Zooey. That was enough to win me over. And everyone thinks her dead pan, barely acting performances and irritating and horrible. To me they're quirky and her bad acting is somewhat endearing. Also, she is a spitting image of Katy Perry but she can sing better! Maybe it's cause she was "Dorothy" in that sci-fi channel remake of the wizard of Oz. Either way, I like her and I'm excited to see this movie.

Not just for her, mind you but Joseph Gorden-Levitt who is totally cute. Who most will remember from Angels in the outfield.

And the trailer looks totally cute. And I love movies about sunshine and love and complications and if there's at least one choreographed dance scene I'm sold!

Side note: I sat out in the sun basking in the heat for over an hour. It gave me a headache, made me sweat all over, but effectively made me browner. :) <--- unneccessary smiley.
More here: 500 Days of Summer

FML

I had a relatively dull weekend despite the wonderful weather...

Living situations are putting more strain on my happiness than I expected.

Even the good days are dampened by various anythings or others and it's really just crap.

I know, I'm being impeccably eloquent.

Here's a possibly horrible metaphor for my weekend and currently my life:

I've been trying to get my favorite cupcakes lately. I went once, possibly twice, and they happened to be closed. I finally make it there while it's still open and they have ALL the flavors of cupcakes that are my favorite. I can't make a deciscion as to how many I should get or what kinds. In the mean time, Adam takes a call and leaves me to decide on my own and the formerly empty store becomes jam packed with people. So the pressure is on. I quickly make my choices with this sinking feeling of dread and anxiety, like I'd regret it all later. I walked away continually looking back. Should I get more? Should I have gotten a different combination? Should I have stayed and eaten them there? The day progresses and I'm getting busier and more distracted. We're doing this, that, and the other. This entire time I'm forgetting that I have cupcakes at all. And suddenly it's like 1 in the morning, I'm exhausted and I remember I have cupcakes. I decide we should eat one just to eat one, even though I'm barely even in the mood anymore. We half one and head to bed. The next day I bring the cupcakes to a party to share. Again I forget them.

I remember, look them over, and they're a disgusting melted mess.


Not only were they melted into a sopping pool of melted frosting but my life has been reduced to the insignificance of overly expensive snacks.

I do this really strange thing on occasion when I'm alone:

I'll be struck by the urge to cry by whatever thought or event of the moment. And because I've been trained to not cry I immediately fight off crying. At the same time I want to cry so I begin forcing myself to.

In one expression I'm half making myself cry and I'm half trying really hard not to cry. No tears are flowing and I struggle to figure out which I should commit to.

Because I'm alone I usually decide to let myself cry. But then, try as I might, I've lost momentum and can't seem to muster it back enough. I realize the ridiculousness of trying to make myself cry and quickly change my subject of thought.

Strange and completely unnecessary to state yet here it is. Take it or leave it.

I've got...

Can't you hear me?

Do you want to know what I'm sick of? Do you want to know what I'm incredibly sick of?

Being unemployed. And being thus poor. I am sick of the lack of job posting and I am sick of the lack of responses. I'm sick of being considered entry-level and I'm sick of calculating and recalculating my salary requirements lower and lower and lower. I'm sick of scraping by.

I'm sick of the "For Rent" section craigslist ads showing the most beautiful prime location San Francisco apartments that I won't be able to live in, or ever live in even if I did have a job. I'm sick of looking at these really awesome totally me prints for sale on line that I won't be able to buy, or the equally awesome various junk that I would love to purchase and cannot. I'm sick of rich living in general. I'm sick of the price of a pair of jeans. I'm sick of the price of fucking water.

I hate how it's so expensive just to live. I'm sick of having to buy shampoo, or my 200+ dollar a month drug habit that can't be avoided. I'm sick of the price of food even when I only eat one meal a day. I'm sick of having to think about how I might have to pay for a more enjoyable form of exercise if I want to stop being so fat. I'm sick of how expensive dinner is. Or how expensive gas is even though it's not that bad compared to last year. I'm sick of getting overdraft notices from my bank account.

I'm sick of people asking me what I'm doing now that I'm graduated because I'm not doing anything. I'm sick of people asking if I heard about so and so in the news or this and this politics. I haven't. I stopped watching TV. I stopped listening to the news. I've turned off the radio. I can't bear to listen to this and this economist saying it'll get better soon or it'll hit rock bottom in 6 mos. or it's much worse than we feared or barack obama is doing this or barack obama isn't doing enough or this is going really bad or this isn't so bad as we thought or unemployment rates are low or unemployment rates are breaking every record. It's fucking dismal. And I hate it. And I've shut out the world. Want to know what I do? I play video games all day. I sleep all day. Most days I barely even both to brush my hair or change. That's fucking life, so deal with it. I'm sick of everything.

I'm sick of people saying it's easy to make a few million dollars or someone someone is playing professional sports after graduation or just got a trillion dollar job. I'm always really good at quite sincerely being happy for other people when they succeed without even a consideration of jealousy or any other negative feeling. But I'm kind of sick of that too. I want the happy feelings to be for me. I want the happy things happening to happen to me. I'm sick of hearing about the good coming to others, especially the others that I know only put in 70% effort. I know I don't have this horrible, hard, or rough life but I'm sick of it anyway.

I'm sick of mediocre. I'm sick of flat-line. I'm sick of being reminded of what it must be like to be at the top when I'm in a middle-level, plateaued malaise. Just fed up. Fed, fed, fed, fed up. Overflowed. Inundated. drowned.

Sick today. Running errands for my mom. It's funny how something so simple as sitting down can make you feel so much better when you're sick.

Ten Minutes to Downtown is Ten Minutes Too Far

So! To update! Like I haven't in a long time...

Last thursday we went to the get up kids show, one of my favoritest bands EVER. (my all time favorite is the eels, TGUK comes a really close second). I almost got swallowed by a crowd-rush wave, a beer spilled on me, all my favorite songs played, and I got to semi-meet them for half a second afterwards (3 of the 5). Here are some blurry pictures from my cell phone.

Here is one I'm stealing from Tiffany's tumblr. I didn't bring a real camera with me....

Then friday I picked up Tsunami. Saturday felt like it didn't exist. Sunday spent twelve hours moving my sister. It was tiiiirrriiing.

Monday (yesterday) I did the following:

• 
  
  Washed my car (by hand),
• 
  
  did all of my laundry (have yet to fold),
• 
  
  cleaned my room, which includes moving my desk and sorting my text books for ones to keep and ones to try and sell.
• 
  
  cleaned my bathroom
• 
  
  had some doctors appt adventures with my little sister
• 
  
  and helped start unpacking the gajillion boxes at my sisters house (after a target trip)

Today is mostly nothing and running errands for my mom. taking a shower (hopefully! lol), eating cereal, and possibly a bank run.

Post-Graduation

I've had a lack of updates lately cause my life has kind of flat-lined... I could be depressed about it, I guess, but mostly I've grown apathetic. I tell myself that the job market right now sucks. I tell myself that I know more graduates that I can count having the exact same problem. I tell myself I've only really officially been out of school for two weeks. And two weeks? That's like no amount of time. I'm still young, I'm taking some time. It doesn't mean I'm a failure or I'm not going anywhere or that I'm a nothing. This is just what's happening. I should stop freaking out because I have really little to no control over the situation. I should relax and just accept what it is because I have little to no control over it. I don't know if I'm saying this to convince myself or to convince everyone else because I'm so insecure about it...

But I guess it'll figure itself out. Things will work out eventually. I don't have to be full speed ahead to accept and like myself. I don't need a path immediately. I don't have to feel worthwhile everyday, right? Or maybe that should be, I don't have to have a job to feel worthwhile?

I may feel like crap, but I just have to learn to calm down and not be so hard on myself. I'm really hard on myself. It gets tiring sometimes. I want to just relax and let it go and I just don't know how all the time. I need to think that I'm going to be ok sometimes. I need to think that I don't always have to worry and obsess to be ok. I need to remember that there's a whole big wide world out there and if it's not working right here right this instant, it will somewhere eventually further down the line. I don't need to be on high 24/7 to get anywhere. The world moves on it's own. I don't have to feel apprehensive and afraid or anxious of my future. I don't need to be depressed or sad or disappointed. I can just be ok. I can be ok and let all that other stuff go...

Right?

I just... It's just... It can be so hard to remember all of that. I feel like the world is looming over me menacingly. Everything feels dark and heavy. To be more cliche than normal, it feels like the walls are closing in on me and it's getting harder and harder to breathe. I feel like I've made some grave mistake and I must repent in order to save myself. But I don't know what the mistake was or is, and I don't know what salvation looks like. I'm nervous. I'm lost. I'm wandering. Things I don't really know how to be yet. I suddenly have to change and become accustomed to this entirely new world and I'm not fluent in the language.

But, I mean, to be completely honest with myself... As much as I've always wanted change, change, change. I've always been so bad and change. I've always been so afraid of change. I've always been best at stability. I remember, as trivial as it sounds, that the first time I really learned about and understood equilibrium it seemed like the most logical, sensical thing I've ever learned. Like this sort of basic scientific concept could be applied to not only every aspect of life but to the world itself. It was a revelation. An epiphany, in the most Joyce-sian sense. I should have known then that no matter how much I've wanted change in my life that I'd always really be seeking equilibrium. Not exactly stability but at least, a stable understanding of instability.

Here I am at a crossroad and I can't begin to understand where anything leads or what I think about anything. I talk myself into circles and I try to reason and unreason everything. I feel like... Like I'm bound to make the wrong decision just because I feel the need to make a decision.

How do I learn to stop myself? How do I learn to actually relax? How do I learn how to stop beating myself up over these sorts of things? How do I begin to apply the concepts of "it's ok" that I know?

How do I know how to begin the rest of my life?

Mid-Week - Inches and Falling

I went to Office Depot and carrying two boxes of manila envelopes I managed to scrape across my forearm pretty bad. It only hurts to touch but it's really lame cause now I think that everyone will think I'm some sort of cutter. How embaressing....

Also, I went to Starbucks which I VERY rarely do. It became a pretty ugly situation...

Other things:

Things I'm constantly thinking about/debating in my head:

• Fantasy vs. Reality
• Settling vs. Accepting
• My obsession with being self aware vs. my extreme denial on occassions
• Happy days vs. not so happy ones and the real underlying reasons behind those
• The reasons behind my hives
• The images that we create vs. the images before us
• Hopes and dreams vs. being rationally adult 
• The power of dissapointment and disillusionment vs. Life

 Why do these sorts of things feel like they have to be different? Maybe they're really all one thing.


Other things to note:

• Summer is coming and that means I'm starting to feel alive and in love and a little crazy but only in the best of ways
• GET UP KIDS TOMORROW!!!
• I still don't have a job... hahah
• I love that new show Cupid. It's probably my soul mate. ughhhkkkk I can't wait for next week.
• I love wednesday walks. in sunshine or rain.
• I've had too much caffeine today
• My dreams at night... They haunt me all day.

After all my whining and complaining Adam found my ring... oops...