Meet Penelope!!!!

I absolutely undeniably completely and utterly love my new puppy.

She's SO sweet! Really calm and mellow, especially a puppy but she's also really playful. She knows how to fetch a ball already! And to sit! and she's housebroken!!!

We picked her up at the airport and I just melted. She's so small and soft and absolutely perfect!

We've played all day, gone to the dog store, took a couple naps, gone on a bunch of walks, met a lot of people, taken some drives, and cuddled a BUNCH. I carry her around like she'll be this small forever.

She's met James Bond and Tsunami... Their relationships are... tentative.

Her paws are ridiculously soft too. Her tongue is a really dark purple. She's about 14 pounds of lovable fluff.

The End.








Also: new blog - The Dog Blog

Jenny Lewis

I can't even begin to describe how phenomenal Jenny Lewis was. I can't even wrap my brain around how she can sing THAT good. It's like golden honey or something equally smooth and shiny and absolutely awe-inspiring. Not only do I wish I could sing like her, I wish I could BE her. Every day.

How do people sing like that?! I don't know!!! How are people THAT talented and jaw droppingly awesome?!

And to top it off she was a great performer. I have no idea how I'll weed out only a couple of pictures to post on here. There's so many and I want to show them ALL. I want to go again. I want to go to everyone of her shows every day every where. She was just THAT good.

And while the pictures make her look relatively somber, it was a completely different experience from watching Rilo Kiley because she seemed somehow more animated. She seemed happier, smiling more, as if she were genuinely enjoying her time performing. Not that she seemed UNhappy in Rilo Kiley, it was just a different feel. Her whole face moved, sometimes grimacing or contorting, she snarled often. I loved it. 

She played with Barbara, the drummer (who later also sang and played guitar), Danielle who played various instruments and sang, some guy with big glasses, Fisherman Dave or some such on an instrument I can't even begin to name and Jonathan Rice, her current boyfriend.

 

Rise up with fists...

It was seriously amazing. All of my favorite songs were played and her voice was like perfection 101% of the time. I have 3 short videos that I may post later on.

Also, we bought a poster, and while waiting for the set change, a guy came up to us asking if it was the poster at the merch shop. Turns out he made it! So the entire show and after we chatted to him and kind of made a new friend! He showed up process pictures of screen printing the posters and it was all around cool.  I'm a stalker and looked at his website (on his business card that he exchanged with Adam), his work is REALLY cool and he's been able to work with a lot of awesome bands. He resides at: Tragic Sunshine . He was a really nice guy, his posters are super cool. And... Well, Adam and I are always excited when ANYone talks to us. That's how uncool we are. 

Also, please note: Tomorrow I'll bomb the internet with pictures of my puppy. It's arriving at 10:35, available for pickup at 11:35. New blog to follow.

Updates: Mimicking Bird and The Sadies

And finally, up to date stuff. Tonight, May 28th, at the Fillmore, Adam and I went to see Jenny Lewis (main singer from Rilo Kiley).

Opening acts for Jenny Lewis. The Sadies, although I've never heard them were exciting and awesome. Everyone really got into it and they were really great. I'm glad I got to hear them play live or else I never would have discovered them!

The Mimicking Birds: their myspace is here. 

The Sadies: who are found right over here. 

This guy and his brother. They both played guitar and... the one standing to my left also played what looked like a violin, but was played more fiddle-ish.

And any band with and upright bassist is ten points by me.

Especially one that looks this cool.

Updates: Graduation Announcement Pictures

Well, my parents requested I have a picture to go along with my announcement and instead of getting the standard cap and gown LifeTouch school portrait Adam and I did a little photo shoot in my backyard.

Here's a few, so all you blog readers remember what I look like.

Also, I had Adam photoshop out how much I was breaking out on my forehead for the final chosen picture.

AND, I wore the flower because it was so over the top it just had to be Me.

As you can see, my face doesn't have many ways to show cheesy fake smiles. My favorite was the third cause it was most "Me" but the final vote on that one was that it showed too much cleavage.

The final choice is the last one. With added soft focus edges and slight color changes. 

Updates: Tunnel Vision

As we drove further up the hill we came upon Construction 129, an unfinished military something or other. It was way strange and way cool. Read more here: Construction 129  

We also got a chance to listen to the tunnel singer perform ( Her site is here: http://www.tunnelsinger.com ) It was unexpected, surreal, strangely eerie, and beautiful. 

Here is the open pit where the cannon was supposed to be placed.

Possibly one of my favorite graffiti messages I've ever seen. Even if later I realized it's a Lil Wayne quote. Maybe I should start listening to more rap if this is what they're saying...

In the tunnels there were these strange pitch black rooms. I mean, incredibly horribly pitch black. The darkness seemed impenetrable. I dared Adam to go in, even tried to push and drag him. We cautiously approached the doorways. It was as if the darkness pulsed and repelled us. It was seriously one of the scariest things I've encountered. And then Adam screamed and grabbed me scaring the SHIT out of me. I've never been that scared, I literally pushed him and BOLTED out of there! I haven't run that fast with that much determination in as long as I can remember. When I realized he was just messing with me, due to my embarrassment at my very sincere and genuine fear I fell into hysterical laughter and we attempted to venture back to the rooms. We never went past one step into the doorway, it was just far too terrifying.

We used Adam's camera flash to look inside and illuminate the pure black. Surprisingly enough there were really intricate and detailed graffiti on every wall. It was amazing.

And here is the view from the other end of the tunnel. You could also see a lighthouse, a windy road, and the ocean to infinity.

One of the best weekends I've had in as long as I can remember: failed hikes, small parks, little towns, big scares and all.

Updates: Golden Gate Style

After we went to the forest park and gave up on Mill Valley we had your standard vista point/Golden Gate Bridge Photo op. These are pretty standard San Francisco, but it's always fun to go up and remember what a beautiful place you get to live in.

Updates: Forest Addition

I'm about to slap through a slew of updates from the past month or so! This isn't everything I've done, these are just the pictures I'm finally getting onto my computer!

Mine and Adam's weekend getaway to Mill Valley a handful of weeks ago. (The last week of april was it? I don't know, either way).

We walked around a *very* small park as we half heartedly looked to Mt. Tam and/or the Muir woods... We didn't find it but this teeny tiny park was coolish...

It had tall trees with old men playing guitar and people walking their kids and dogs

Just for the record, my hair was NOT in pigtails. it looks like it in this picture for some reason...

The Science of Sleep

Last night I had a dream I was dancing, I remember every step. For the first time for as long as I can remember I felt something inside of me that once defined me. I think it was beauty. I didn't care for anything. For anything outside of those movements. I wasn't lost for once, I found myself. Like something was coursing through me, from fingertip to fingertip, through my heart and every inch of me. It was like I was suddenly released from a vacuum and the air stopped crushing me. Like my heart was beating. Like my lungs were growing. Like everything inside of me was growing. growing. growing outwards. Like I wasn't trapped anymore.


I don't know what makes me feel more alive: my dreams or my actual life.

I don't know what makes me more afraid: my life or my dreams.

Which haunts me more?

Either way, I can't seem to exist only in one. I can't seem to find myself in either one. Sleeping or awake I feel dislodged. I feel I should be in some other sort of world. No matter where I am I feel lost.

3 Month Eval

So, it's mid May, approximately 3 months since I finished with school. I've sent out more resumes than I can begin to count and have had two interviews. Still unemployed. I've taken the really big step back of part-timing it at my parent's office.

Here's a list of pros and cons

Pros:

• Money is money and work is work. I need money. I need work.
• My parents REALLY need the help at the office and can't really afford to hire someone else.
• It's LIKE I have a job because I get paid (sans tax), make my own hours (aka sleep in till 11), and when I don't want to do something, I admit, I cop out with, "I don't REALLY work here."
• Also, it gives me something to do in a day other than play video games and sleep and waste time online.
• And I don't have to take crappier jobs or jobs I'm completely not interested in because I have this sort of safety net. In other words, it allows me to have standards while job hunting, which I can only assume a normal person doesn't always have the luxury.
• Such as, telling my stupid temp agency bitch no everytime she offers me work for like 3 hours for a handful of dollars. It's kind of satisfying in its own way...

Cons:

• A step backwards is  step backwards. I'm not learning anything new, I'm not gaining any new experience I can hope to apply later, I'm not creating any sort of network. I'm professionally isolated.
• My parents are REALLY big bitches on occassion. The yelling and mood swings are a little much to deal with every day ALL day.
• The things I do here stress me out to a maximum, more so than another job. With another job I'd be allowed the distance of knowing that it's a business. It runs itself, isn't dependant on me, my life is relatively untouched. Here? The things I'm doing DIRECTLY affect not only my life but my entire family's life. If a deal falls through here I see the repercussions on our groceries that week, or on utilities being shut down.
• I think I've grown complacent. I've grown disgustingly satisfied at being static...
• I don't have the pride or the sense of accomplishment from having a REAL job.

Another thing to note, I've actually grown REALLY discouraged and don't send out as many resumes as I used to... Ok, I'll be honest, I haven't sent out any. It's tiring though! Writing and rewriting and proofing cover letters, sifting through ads, determining what I'll compromise on or not. It's wearing down on me. And I know you aren't supposed to take breaks, but god, I feel so dismal.

It's this weird mediocre depression where I'm not exactly SAD or self pitying... I'm just really lackluster. I have no motivation to do anything, I have no energy to complete things. I just want to sit and sleep and waste away time until something forces me to wake up. I don't want to die or anything melodramatic. I just feel really really... Tired. Tired of the day to day, tired of morning to morning. I'm tired of being so in the middle. I'm fed up. I am unhappy yet I'm too unhappy and too powerless to change anything TO make me happy which bothers me even more.

I've been like this for 3 months with no end in sight, according to the latest economic reports.

What am I supposed to do?

Just so you know...

My family has announced this past weekend that for my graduation gift I'm getting a puppy. I've spent all week searching for names. Here's my list so far, please add your two cents:

• Penelope (For short possibly Penny)
• Penelope Neruda (Penny N.)
• Hamburger
• Rilo
• Ella, Elle, or Stella
• Einstein
• Chunkers
• Oscar (it's a girl but I can't help but love boy dog names. They sound rounder)
• Calypso (Cala)
• Soleil
• Hubble

And believe you me, that's the SHORT list! I want a name that's not too embaressing to scream down the streets if she ever get's lost. I once had  dog named Dog-Dog, that was embaressing. But I want it to be a humorous name, something that's slightly ridiculous. I like the thought of a really ridiculous dog name. And of course, it has to be euphonious.

I'm hoping to have a long list of dog names, get the dog, play with it a little while, and then pick. I hope that I see the puppy and my heart collapses and all I can think is, "That's my dog!"

But speaking of graduations, I got my announcements in the mail, I've folded them all, I've even taken my picture for distribution! All I have to do now is the long process of addressing them by hand!

So, about a week till D(og)-Day, a month till my ceremony, and 2 days till Adam's birthday!!!

OMFG

Dear Blogger Readers,

Please guess what this is.

Cause OMFG. seriously.

This is what I do at work:

I complain about working while not getting any work done! Yay for Paint, Yay for fridays, and mother fuckin' boo to working on saturdays.

So You Think You Can Dance

So, Can I please take this oppurtunity to say...

I am SO excited for so you think you can dance this season. Ok, I'm excited about dance in general. But  le sigh...

Orchid Le Pens

Today feels like a day of missed connections. Not in the craigslist kind of way, but in that, so close and yet so far from being a good day kind of way.

Went on a walk with danielle but I felt strangely energy-less. I usually have fun laughing and walking and I leave tired but satisfied. Today I just wanted to go back to bed and take a nap...

I think it's cause yesterday I spent all day sleeping. It's given me that strange sleep-depression.

Adam, doing me a super great and expensive favor picked up my pictures that I've been waiting FOREVER to get developed. I was really excited, hoping that I'd have a couple good ones. Barely any of them came out at all. One I think got exposed because I didn't wrap it well, another I left the stupid cap on the camera for like 5 pictures. The rest were just bad. I thought I might have conquered my learning curve (leaving the cap on, winding it wrong...) but apparently not. And then there were the 5 I had to ruin cause my camera was broken and I needed to open it. I was excited and then really let down. Let down by my own inability. It currently feels just like a really expensive hobby. When before it was an expensive hobby that I didn't mind because I liked the result.

Then I got my pens that's I've not only been searching high and low for but finally found and ordered offline. And, to be completely honest, they're not really living up to expectations. Maybe they have to grow on me. Or maybe they were better appreciated in retrospect.

Maybe I'm just being a whiner cause it's such a nice day outside and I'm in the office and I can't go out and play... Let's go out and play! I'll shut up, I promise...

And OMG, I Know I'm president of America but like, Mr. Garcia, You are just the BEES KNEES.

"The president reportedly fawned over Garcia Marquez, telling him he'd read everything he'd ever written."

Thank god. I have something in common with Barack Obama and yet another reason to idolize him: he's met my idol.

An Accomplishment

For all my moaning and complaining about how much I hated school and how graduating is meaningless to me and how I'm so embaressed to have finished college late - Ordering my announcements makes me actually excited to graduate.

Sure, maybe its partially because I love paper and I love the thought of little letter type things that have MY name on it. And yes, it's partially because I decided I would buy a wax seal to seal all the envelopes.

But I think a majority of it is that my parents are proud of me and they're excited about sending these stupid little braggery cards to everyone they know. My mom asked me to order 75 - 100! I'm not the usual type for a scene or showing off my accomplishments (even the times I know I deserve it) so we compromised at 50. It made me feel special. It made me feel like maybe the world doesn't care that I've gotten my degree and maybe the working world barely cares cause it's just a bachelors and maybe I barely care cause the certification doesn't help my life. But my parents care. and my family cares. And, surprisingly enough, that really means something to me.

My new favorite commercial: Chile's

In a fakey commercial a white man promotes a restaurant called "PJ Blands" serves food made from cardboard and brags that taste doesn't matter as long as there's a lot of it. A white couple smiles, another questions why everything is so tasteless.

Then a tall, black, super chic couple watching the commercial look at each other in confusion. "Are they serious?" They wonder, obviously refusing to be tasteless. And then they go to chile's!!

I wouldn't normally notice the race of people in a commercial but it was made SO blatantly obvious! Hilarious, hilarious, hilarious. Obama-fluence? Possibly...

A Story of a Night

It's almost embarrassing how much quality time with the Stink makes me feel better. About pretty much anything.

We attempted to see 500 days of summer at the SFIFF but after standing in the rush line for a little over an hour we were turned away. It was almost worth it because we got to see Joseph Gordon Levitt. He was walking through the line with a camcorder asking people to speak about love. It was strangely cool...

I turned away. I find that even if I do find myself in a situation I could only dream I would come by, I let it pass. Every one of my chances to do anything slip by.

What would I say about love?

I'd say that I've been with Adam (previously referred to as "the stink") for over 5 years and I've learned a lot about what love does and doesn't mean. And sometimes the worst or the hardest part for me is dealing with people's judgments of long term relationships. I'm always afraid people will judge me. or us. Which is ridiculous, I know. But somehow, over time, it's been implied that people who stay together somehow love each other less. Or the love is forced. Or the love is suffocating. Or the love is... Bad. And the hardest part for is that I feel I have to prove that it just isn't so. That I'm not -- that we're not that kind of love.

It is the good kind of love. The real love. The hard love. The best love. I feel sorry for the people who can't understand that. That can't understand that love doesn't always have to hurt you. That you can see someone every day and love them just that much more every day. I pity people who can't imagine what it's like to be able to care more about another person than yourself but not have to worry that will take away from yourself because as much as you give the other person gives too. It isn't always take, take, take. It's give, give, give. And that doesn't have to be a bad thing.

I'm sick of Love's bad rep. I'm sick of the negative connotations. Like I'm sort of sickly dependent girl who can't stand on her own two feet or needs a guy's validation. Cause i don't. I'm not.

If you can't find any real flaws in a person do you throw it away? It seems so illogical.  I mean, he isn't perfect. I'm not perfect. We are not perfect. But why waste time being unhappy if you don't have to be?

Not all relationships or loves have to be on again - off again super turbulent heart breaking or dramatic love. You don't always need screaming and crying and yelling and he said-she said to know its real love. You don't need all that horrible mess and muss to be grateful for something. You don't always need to have it taken away to realize what you have.

Love can just be. It can simple always be there. And some days are bad days and you argue. And some days are good days and it's like the glorious golden light of the universe is shining down on you. And some days you're together all day while others you barely have the time. But it's there.

It isn't just love, it's trust that they love you just as much. It isn't just trust, it's faith that they'll always love you. It isn't just faith, it's hope that nothing will ever end it. And it isn't just hope, it's work every day to be a better person and to appreciate the goodness is other. And especially more than work it's happiness. It's happy to be sad with someone, happy to trust someone, happy to be faithful, happy to hope, and especially happy to work.

And I know its so cliche but from the bottom of my heart I know it's better to have loved and lost because I've known real love and I've known true fear and I've known pain. And I'd rather take all bad in the world any day as long as I had the memory that such glory, such beauty and such utter unadulterated astounding feelings can exist. And I won't be ashamed of that. And I won't feel guilty about that. And as sickeningly sweetly gross as it all is it's so damn sincere and heartfelt that I don't take any of it back.

And that's what I would say about Love. That's what I believe about Love. And missed chance or not, that's what I would have to say.

Weather Woes

Rain brings out the worst in me
and dreams bring out the fear.
I've been sleeping all day and its been raining all day
And everyone wants to be everywhere and I'm not here and I'm not anywhere.

My eyes have been dry but I think I'm still drowning.
I'm not begging for help but I think I'm still drowning.

It's hormones and rain that bring out the whiner in me.
It's mostly hormones and rain and fighting and a lack of sleep and being unemployed and working on things I don't care about that bring out the sighs in me.

Sometimes I'm afraid I'm just the kind of person that always feels lost.
Not because I am
but because I force myself to be.

Sometimes I'm afraid I'm just the kind of person that makes herself feel the things she doesn't want to feel.
I have a choice
I just pick the crappier one.

I'm waiting to figure it out