The Sound of Fear

He reads and reads. and knows. always knows.

Never writes. never calls. never writes or calls.

And in the middle of the night with only a TV glow in her eyes, she turns to me with a look of fear. she says "please" and "heart broken twice" and i try to block out the fear there. laced there. saturated there. I'm the only one with hope left.

I'm the only one with fear.

I look forward to and dread each day. Please. Please. For the love of god.

And in paper dusty rooms with love songs and offical lettering she repeats "Lord, have mercy." like a plea to skies. Like a plea to skies.

And in the rain the water writes her name, they are praying too. They whisper softly:

He reads and reads and knows. Yet never says I love You Too.

March

Classes Ditched: @ least 10.
Wounds procured: bruised hip, wrist, and elbow. scratched finger and knee. Gash on elbow.
Times gone running: @ least 4
Weight Lost: -2
Letters written: 3
Times Cried: @ least 3

Summary: It's been a pretty humdrum month. Very low key. very contemplative. Nothing exciting or extreme in any sense of the word. Just chillin'... Spring break is most definately due.

And he says "it's ok to be like this, you're learning how to be only half of a person right now" and nothinghits home harder.

And the road has never seemed more furious and i've never been more afraid.

And all i can think about is how fucking much i miss you.

In the Sun

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

I know i would apologize if i could see your eyes
'Cause when you showed me myself i became someone else
But i was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can't keep awake

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

'Cause if i find
If i find my own way
How much will i find
If i find
If i find my own way
How much will i find
You

I don't know anymore
What it's for
I'm not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
'Cause i been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you're not even sure what it's for
Any more than me
May God's love be with you
Always

- Joseph Arthur

We Might Last Longest

My life can be summed up in one moment:

I sat indian style in a basket of unfolded clothes in my humongous overly filled closet going through boxes of stuff i don't like looking at on a normal basis. There's a going away party going on in my house, sad songs are playing on my computer. And all i can seem to think about is finding my polaroid camera.

And of how young you look in those pictures.

Where Do We Go?

All peaks are followed by drops. drastic ones.

i feel melancholy. i want to go to bed and stay there. all day long.

(pout)

what are we doing here?

We're Back and You Tell Me I am Home.

I'm going to miss these shortcuts. I'm going to miss these roads. I'll miss the sunsets and rises. I'll miss the rain on my bad days and i'll miss my driveway.

Most of all i'll miss The City. My city. more my city than it was ever anyone's city.

Soon it'll be time to make another place my home but maybe i'll never be able to rid myself of the sentimentality of Home.

All life long she holds off hope knowing it will never come. She checks to find it empty.

Is dissapointed either way.

The Tide is High

Maybe i never meant to ruin them. maybe i never meant to fail. Maybe i never wanted to dissapoint.

But i did. I did and i do and it probably won't ever stop.

Maybe i was the one worth milk and sugar and no one ever saw it. Maybe i had the ability to be everything i wanted to be before I was ruined.

Maybe i'm ruined. maybe i'm temple walls thrown down and alters burnt out. Maybe all this time i was golden and i only looked everywhere else for it. Maybe all this time i was golden and i never knew it. Maybe all this time all i wanted was for you to see how golden i could be.

Time passes and life happens and we all negatively affect one another. Like arms amputated. She got it to a tee. I wonder if she has both of hers still.

I wonder if i ever had any at all. When is a good time? never. just never.

I wonder if you know my name come bedtime. I wonder if he masterbates and thinks of me as he cums.

Sometimes i fantasize about the story of O. the devotion there. And i wish you could want me enough to consume me. to consume me like that.

With each day passed i lose hope just a little bit more. a little bit more. Each day i take one stp closer to "them." To be just "them." I'll always be your memory. I'll always be the one. But day by da,y moment by moment i give up a little more. I break a little more.

Past midnight the ship sinks and you feel it. something there unnamed but felt anyways. Late nights and made dinners and far off hopeless hopes. That's all i am now, isn't it.

You don't read anymore. you don't write anymore. I know deep down you care cause that's the kind we are, the tattoo scar cares, you and i. Each time we love we engrave it on the walls and wait for them to crumble. They never do. they just grow full and more full. crowded and more crowded. Till you can barely make out each signature, each "i was here" with date. But even as they fade we trace our fingers there, places we've traced so many times it's just indented now. And we remember.

Bad days we remember all but the bad. Good days it's only the good. No matter what day it is there is still a void.

I wish i had some great life story to tell you, some moral to any of this. But there's none.

Only my suffering in my world. and your suffering in your world.

You'd think that we would commit some things to memory forever. to heart forever. but the feelings drift away, sift away until your grasping sand with open fingers.

Each letter i write to you, each letter i've written to you. the words, sounds and souls of them all. No matter how many i give it won't change the facts. Won't change the trembles, the mates, and all the sad memories.

I always believed in love but never soul mates. only marriage and work and loyalty. But mostly just love. forever love. did i ever not dissapoint you?

Is it so hard to ask for a little affirmation? The tears are few and far between but they come. For you only. like waiting waves. like lips long forgotten. I won't be the first driven with grief to insanity. I won't be the first to never forget you. We'll start a club and brand our thighs and chain ourselves in gold.

We'll throw up once a week to remind us of this sort of pain and cut our wrists to honor your memory. And as we frighten you more and more away we'll grow more and more devoted. Because giving up is not for our kind.

Is this quitting? is this giving up? hell, is this giving up without even trying?

Life Preview

Do you know what it's like growing up in a household centered on 70's soul music?

Let me illuminate the situation:

We, all five of us, have an embaressing penchant for sad sad love songs with cheesy cheesy lyrics. It's really our only bonding point. I mean, play a song that goes something like "too much too little too late to somethingsomething it's ooovvveerrr" and we all all at least know the chorus. And none of us can hear the word "suddenly" without adding a "sudden-lllyyyyy life has new meaning to meeeeeeeee. when there's beauty uuup aboove things you never take notice ooooof you wake up (pause for dramatic effect) and suddenly you're in loooveee." seriously. It's like a fucking boys choir. with girls. and nongod music. and 70's beats. and high pitched off key voices. DAMN.

Now this music, it doesn't just extend to the occassional record player, oh no. We all have our respective mix cds. and what do certain people do? people who won't be named as my sister. They listen to them on FULL blast on saturday mornings while showering.

But please, step back from the situation. give a look around...

sad love songs right now make me want to shoot MY FACE off. no joke. hands down.

and no, i can't be once, twice, or three times a lady. i do want him to make it like it was. it is too much too little too late. and NO i don't love it when we're cruising together. music is not played OR made for love. we can NOT cruise cross continent, thank you very fucking much.

and yes, while your parents were listening to the beatles or some other such hokey yellow ribbon bullshit mine were most likely getting high at makeout parties complete with slow jams and a disco ball. So, a warning to the kids: don't go to such parties. you'll be like mine, pretty damn awesome but still stuck with kids at like... 19.

they are pretty awesome though... those old pictures of my dad's afro and my mom's sexy flyaway hair cut. ::sigh::

i still hate sad love songs. hell, i take it back, i hate happy ones too. What should i do!?!? listen to daniel bedingfield for hours while reading old emails of how much he loves me?!

wonderful saturday...

overview of my night? Saw the girl that wants my exboyfriend who i want back. with cute hair. cute hair. stupid bitch.

Stream of Thought

I had a cry moment today.

I was in the car with my sister after a couple days of trying to form out the words i wanted to say. The streetlights were golden in the rain. The cold was creeping from my fingertips and the same song was playing over and over.

"Colors seem to fade" he sang. As if it were just for me.

And each syllable was like a contortion to my tounge. Like work. Like choking.

As if saying it then would make it more real than the whispers of my mind. More real than the nightmares and sad journal entries.

"Sometimes i'm afraid he'll come back and not love me anymore. And i guess that's what i get for still loving him. Becaus ei will no matter what he does when he comes back."

And my eyes stong and burned. ANd my fists clenched. and silently i bit down on my lip to hold it all down.

I'm so sick of having to expect the worst. I set the people in my life up for dissapointment. And everytime i love them there's a part of me that reminds me that they might never love me back. And i work so hard to tell myself to no longer hope.

And when they fail i'm just as dissapointed at my victory. Everytime i'm right about the people in my life it's bittersweet. More bitter than anything else.

And i'm sick of expecting the worst. hoping for the best. I want to hope an dhope and hope and let that be enough. I'm a good person. i know i am.

I make mistakes, i fuck a lot, i can be mean or judgemental. But i'm a good person deep down. because i can love and i can give and i try so hard not to be hurtful.

And maybe it's time i admit to myself that i deserve to expect the best. Because i'm the best i can be and it's time i expect that from the people around me.

Because i am worth loving. still loving. and he needs to. he needs to still love me. because i need him to prove me wrong. prove to me that i wasn't right when i said he didn't love me.

But at teh same time, i've had my fair share of love. of falling. of being. I just don't want it to be the time to let go.

I miss him. i miss him SO much. I miss being held. and not just by anyone. but by him. i miss feeling protected. i miss feeling beautiful. I miss him so much that i can't sleep. That all i can do is eat. That i have dreams upon dream upon nightmares upon nightmares of somethign so simple as a call. Because i've been waiting and waiting and as much as i hate it i know i can't stop.

I can't be a cutter. I can't just cut people out of my life. Connections with me never end cleanly. I just don't know how. And id on't even really want to start. i don't want to be the kind of personwho can close a door, turn a back and be alright. It's just not who i am. It's just not what i do.

I want and i want. i need and i need.

And for now, that's just going to have to be ok.

And Tonight...

I miss Batman. I miss Goldust. and Max and hell, even Bobby.

Most of all I miss you. I miss your dimples. I miss laughing. I miss playing. And hugging. and I miss the way you smell. I miss feeling breathless. I miss hearing "I love you" back.

I miss the way you'd wait for me. I miss having you in my bed. I miss you telling me what to do.

I miss your house. and your family. and the streets i had to turn on to get to your house.

I miss the way you talked to me. and the way you looked at things. I miss watching you draw and I miss the beauty in what you made.

I miss the smell of your room and the feel of your blankets. I miss the mornings we'd crawl in together.

I miss our sex. The sex i no longer remember.

I can't remember our last kiss. I guess people don't remember things like that because they think it'll be the last time. And then it just is. And it slips away and away and now i really have no clue.

You kissed the top of my head in the parking lot (the one where you first said i love you. the one we used to have sex in. the one where we cried so many times before. the one we smiled in so many times before) right before you left. And i think it made my heart hurt. But the last real kiss?

I remember that we didn't kiss the day i cried over lunch. Or the day we took a nap together. I can't remember what happened after that. It must have been when we had sex that one friday or tuesday or some day. January 13th. mayb elater, maybe sooner. That's the dayi cling to.

I don't remember what it's like...

i miss walking places with you. I miss the night with you. I miss your tv and your movies and i wonder of your house has changed at all.

I wonder if you've changed at all. Soetimes i think you'll coe back grown beyond me. You won't find me attractive anymore. interesting anymore. worthy anymore.

ANd i guess that's what i have to prepare for. and whatever comes is what i deserve for loving you. whether it be the worst or the best.

But i will say that I still wish I could go home to you everynight.

It's just gotten harder to dream.

Oh, and last night?

I began sewing my thing. and i made muffins. and i refuse to take a shower right now.

And In My Dream there were Pigs

Past couple of days have bee chock full of lonely moments. The kind where i don't want to be alone but there's no one to cal or no one to have come over, or nothing to take up my time. Doesn't happen often given that i'm with adolfo most waking moments. and that i don't usually mind being alone...

I miss my stupid adam.

I had a really bad dream last night and i felt like i couldn't wake up. my sister called me, solved the problem. I wanted to call him, make him whisper in sleepy voices that everything was alright.

We all know how much my dreams emotionally affect me. It's just so stressful. Not only do i get scared from teh dream but because it plays on so many phobias i get anxiety issues. and i just, it stresses me out. LIke i need to talk it out but who wants me to call them at too early in the morning to talk about my whacked out dreams that don't matter to real life anyways!?

::sigh:: i feel yucky.

:mega sigh:

i'm too emotional to type.

Baby

I think few people can say that they've been deeply surprisingly afraid of newborn babies.

they're just creeeeeepy. they give me the heebie jeebies. :blech: ew. ::shudder::

seriously though, i clicked on a photoblog and i swear the first picture was this newborn beign footprinted and somethign inside of me flinched, jumped, and clenched. and no, not my starfish. (rusty sheriff's badge?)

and i quickly closed the window. first reaction. now i'm going to bed and i might get nightmares. how awful.

Oh How i Pretend

Being Slutty is Fun...

Will You Help Me?

So here it is, plan and simple (is anything ever simple?):

I don't know how to go on without him. I don't know how to accept that it's over. that i've been defeated.

Because no matter how much i hope and how much i can convince myself. No matter how happy it makes me

He just doesn't want me anymore. He only calls once a week if even that. He never emails or messages or anything. And when he does it's perfunctory. But he hasn't emailed or messaged anyone else. He's incredibly Busy. I mean, if we were all in france would we spend all our time on the internet?

But how long will i make excuses for him? When will i learn not to?

I asked him and he couldn't even answer. He couldn't even say "sydney, this is over." Just avoided the question, red the rest of the emails, called to talk about nothings.

(they weren't really nothings. they were nothings that made my heart ache.)

He couldn't even answer through email. just a simple, "no."

Adolfo said we all know i wouldn't be satisfied with a yes or no answer... But anything would be better than just leaving it in the air as it is. Leaving me to draw my own conclusions so as to realize that i need to move on.

I don't want to move on.

Shouldn't forever mean at least a little while? Is giving in really giving up?




and if i stop letting him break my heart, what will take it's place?

Of Course

I'm tired. I'm cold. I don't want to go to work. My body is sore. I'm hungry. I can't sleep. I'm scared. I'm stressed. I'm worried. I'm cranky. Demanding. Needy.

I dread. I yell. I dance to make it go away. But then it doesn't go away. I felt proud when it said i lost two pounds. I felt ashamed to be proud. My hair is a mess. My hands don't seem to work. it's raining out.

I think i'll go eat worms.

What if he comes home and I realize I'm much more in love with all I idealized him to be?

Today i realized i'm an awful poet. and an awful writer. and now i have no idea what i'm doing with my life. what am i doing!?!?

And then there he stood in front of the class all balding and grey haired and for some incredibly unknown reason i was overcome by the urge to ask him, "was i really so awful to him so that he hates me now?"

As if this stranger full of poetry would know. As if any of the million people i've asked would know.

You haven't answered me yet.

I have a secret journal although i'm not inclined to secrets and all i write about is you. Even more so than here.

A Spy Among Us

It sat in the middle of the room
Watching us.

Acting as the
Critical eye of god.

Eavesdropping into our conversations.
Labeling us.
It thought to itself:
“This one here is pretentious.”
Or:
“That one needs to hush.”

And it’s grey foundation
Full of squeaks
Started to creep it
Away.

The orange and yellow arms
Processing the data
Whistling with excitement
Readying it for storage

In some great
World database.

So later,
In the middle of the night
When insomnia hits

Dressed in an alluring nightgown
With a cup of sweet tea
Destiny can come uncover it.
Log in.
Reply to some.
Trash the rest.

And organize our lives.

Freewrite: Write abou this big ol' hnk of something that was in front of the class covered.

On Cancer Fears

Homework: Change, cycles, loss

In some woman’s liver
Not so far away
A very friendly white blood cell
Approaches another.

They decide it is love at first sight.
They settle in, begin a family.
At first there are only a few children.

And these children,
Knowing nothing about
What is and isn’t socially acceptable
In today’s highly educated and civilized world
Begin to interbreed.

They slowly form a settlement, a town, a city:
A mass.

Until one day,
The kind host of this
White Celled Wonderland
Begins to have feel a pain.

But these self righteous cells
Will have no part in this nonsense.

This complaining and prodding and sampling
That the woman is simply condoning to.

There is no need to villianize
This mean old woman with
Her doctors and nurses and X-rays.
It is quite obvious.

They revolt and grow in power
Against this tyranny. Protesting,
“Human rights can’t stop our fights!!”

Until,
In some white blood cell
In some woman’s liver
Not so far away
A bit of radiation quite sweetly
Meets another.

They shake hands, introduce themselves,
Put their hard hats on and
Begin to work.

And with very advanced technology
And natural curiosity
As simple tourists
They rampage the city.

And soon,
The complex world of cancer
Crashes.

To save a
Much more intricate one.

Just to Get it off my chest

I'm like two steps beyond stressed.

I need a wind down. Here goes:

my mom is sick. again. and yes, this does make me very very apprehensive.

My sister is sick. again. and yes, this too makes me equally apprehensive.

I know i can do nothing about the two of them but i'm incredibly worried nonetheless.

And then: Sean (my cousin) just moved away. Cora's leaving in a month. That means two people gone from the office = stress stress stress

I'm leaving soon. omfg. stress.

Adam Blues = stress.

I haven't been sleeping or eating well.

Today while eating lunch (early lunch with too many helpings of food) i almost wanted to cry because i wanted to stop eating and couldn't. i just couldn't. it was frustrating and sad all at once. I think i have an eating disorder where i eat too much and figure my problems can be swallowed just as easily.

And i have really weird ass cramps. and school is going crazy. and blah.

I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. And i want everyone to be healthy. healthy and happy.

If everyone were healthy and happy and i could get some sleep i would most definately be satisfied with life.

And i want it to stay sunshiney forever.

There. i feel a little bit better.