I thought I had something to say.




I was wrong.

Letter to the Kids

Dear Life,

Everytime I think about the ways i've fucked up in school this semester and how that affects the rest of my life I get an acute squeezing sensation in my chest. I also get sharp stomach pains. And this is occassionaly associated with a thick and heavy feeling inbetween by eyes. Sometimes the anxiety makes it so I can't keep still. While others make it impossible to stay awake.

But I have to remind myself that what's done is done. and cannot be changed. and shouldn't be regretted. we all fuck up a bunch. and there's no rush in life. I've always wanted to speed through my life and get everything done as quickly and efficiently as possible. to the point of over doing it, burning myself out, and causing myself unneccessary emotional damage.

My life, at this point, is endless. If i don't get into school this semester and i'm still sure it's what I want to do I can try again next semester. If my GPA is fucked up and i have to work a long time and my BA takes me 6 years. That's ok. because normal people take time. people are allowed to take time.

I am not an overachiever. I have no need to be the greatest because I have nothing to prove to anyone. Only something to prove to myself. And I need to learn to be satisfied with myself and with what I have to offer.

Maybe it's time I took a step back. because i've been so pressured by myself for so long I lost track of what I really wanted to do. It seems so cliche. But maybe I need to get a better view of the bigger picture to figure out what my next step is.

If i do not succeed now that does not mean I will not succeed in the future. Because one thing has failed me it doesn't mean everything will. Because life has been bad at these moments it does not imply that it will be bad for the rest of my life.

I will fail classes this quarter. I'll fail mostly all of them. And it hasn't been because of depression or a bad school or being in a new place. It has been me. And the affects of these things on me. Constantly, people think I am excusing myself with these things. But i'm not. I'm explaining.

And everyone will judge me. At first I hated this thought most. that everyone would think i quit and i failed and think me less of a person. But I'm prepared for that. I may not be a success in other people's eyes. But I can't always be a failure in my own.

If not today then maybe tomorrow. and if not then than the day after that. It is not the end of the world to take a step back and look at things and change my life. It is not the end of everything I've worked for to fail.

I am failing. And i have to make that ok. And it will be ok.

I've felt recently like the things I do now will affect the rest of my life. And it's such a large burden to have on my back day to day. And i can't completely escape this frame of thought. But I have to realize... The things I do today will affect the rest of my life. But it will not ruin it. And that's what I've been afraid of. And that's what has been killing me and stressing me out and hurting me.

If I mess up, it will not ruin the rest of my life. It will not. I won't allow it to. I have the rest of my life to succeed. And one failure won't change that.

Please, please, from the bottom of my heart I'm hoping to really truly convince myself. And to remember.

It's going to be ok.