To the beat...

I'm bored. I can't very well be active cause a certain someone is very much asleep and I shouldn't disturb them. I'm also hungry.

To stave off my boredom and hunger I will make a list of things:

1. Where is the date on my blog? Hiding...
2. I don't know about you but I'd really like to eat something large, delicious, and wonderfully filling that won't make me feel sick, fat, greasy, smelly, or generally bad. Which means nothing fill my criteria.
3. Myspace is generally bad for my esteem, I somehow always leave wishing I were prettier or dantier or poutier or smaller or more fashionable or thinner or sadder or badder or poufier or more refined or overall less me. 
4. Listening to Adam snore makes me happy, although he may get mad I admitted this in a blog.
5. I still don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing in life. But I'm pretty sure that I've inadvertantly taken a scorched earth policy about it.
6. I secretly (or not so secretly) love to sing. And I think Adam and myself will ever only be the ones to hear it.
7. I'm very unphotogenic... Is there some sort of class that helps to fix this problem?
8. I've decided that I shouldn't feel bad for giving up on ever becoming a writer. Because there's a chance I have plenty of life yet to live. And once I'm good and old and ready and wise and full of love and full of life I can write the books I've always known I've had in me.
9. Lately I've been having a lot of leg, back, and life pains. Growing pains?
10. I got my barack obama shirt, car magnet, and poster. VIVA OBAMA!
11. I want new shoes, I need new pants, and I definitely need money.
12. I always spell definitely wrong. I naturally write "definately," oops.
13. I can't wait to move out of my parents house so I can:
14. Put whatever I want wherever I want on my walls and,
15. Have the furniture I pick where I pick and I can also
16. Have sex at any given moment.
17. I've really been wanting to get into photography but haven't had the energy for a hobby. I'm all for that hazy golden 1970's photo look. It makes my heart stop.
18. When I get a job and the time I'll remember to keep my new year's resolutions.
19. I will also resume old hobbies like the general making of junk.
20. Valentines is coming up soon, o0o0o, what's everyones big plans?
21. We're watching The Phantom and going to Disneyland... Jealous?
22. I know what I want to do for Adam but I just hope I have enough time to buy it/make it/do it/find it. (I can't give away the action, it'll give away the present. and Adam DOES read this occasionally. I only know that cause he occasionally busts me out for what I put.)

Please make a note to youtube it up on pageant kids:

You don't bring me flowers, You don't show my date...

Having some template problems, yo.

Maybe I shouldn't type actual evidence that I use "yo."

It's actually a rather unamusing story. Once I was behind a Toyota truck of a color I don't remember and all the letters of the TOYOTA banner usually embellished on the rear door of a pickup were gone except for the prophetic "YO."

And sadly enough, I have to admit to once having a real road rage problem. I thought it was a period PMS-associated stage I was going through. But it came to it's peak when I 1) a hardcore tailgater chose me so I blocked him with another slow car who had the bad luck of being next to me for at least 15 minutes and only stopped when Adam begged me. And, 2) I followed someone, tailgating, and cursing and yelling... Home. To their home to be exact... When I laid on my horn to show my anger I realized I had a real problem. It stopped then and there. And this "YO" moment was of a much smaller degree of rage but before my breaking point.

So, on my one way little road out of home, the glorious highway 92 before they introduced the second lane, I'm stuck behind this horribly slow truck. Let me tell you, I haaaaaaaaaaaate going slow. So the entire 45 minutes I'm stuck mere feet from this snail paced truck I'm rolling my eyes yelling "YO!!!! yo. YO? yooo!!!" over and over. I was alone in my car, YO-ing to no end.

And from that moment on, I couldn't delete it from my vocabulary. Unamusing, sad, and a rather irrelevant story to my real point.

YO TEMPLATE. yo.  where's the date, yo?

I've been on a news craze/current events mania. I've lately been finding the strangest enjoyment and even amusement in almost all things political, if not at least intruguing.

From the silicon valley to DC appointee (go california but boo corporate government complex?) To the rise in polled country approval of things like interracial or (and?) Gay/lesbian marriage, and immigration restrctions (I'm more for opening borders). Also, I think I mentionedbefore about the Roe v. Wade aniv. And a general celebration about the continued right to choose.

And to gavin newsom's hoped for run for gov. After the terminator in... 2011?

In newsweek he talks of this last year of his mayoral agenda, '"Gay marriage isn't anywhere in here [health care and welfare reform is]...points to his heart... But it's fundamental; it's in here.' Whether you like it or not."

Heartwarming.

Things to note:

I'm full swing obama-crazed what with the considered close of gitmo, the prospect of sCHIP (sp?), and the lifted ban on global abortion/family planning whatever whatev.

But I must say I fail to see the connection between promised peace an 2 - 3 brigades sent to afghanistan.... (Keeping in mind that a brigade is 3,000 - 5,000)

The real question, I guessss, is what sort of bipartisan goodies are there in afghanistan that look so juicy?

Another thing to note:

My tea intake is up at least one cup a day due to recent research that 3 cups a day prevents breast cancer in girls. But damn, the caffeine makes my bones jingle jangle

Last thing of note:

I'm full fledged lion mane haired today. It's uncontrollable...

In Sleep

Last night I had the strangest really cool dream.

To begin with, I was a boy driving this HUGE humvee type truck thing, refueling at the last station in what could have been a million miles. I was also waiting for a girl, and when she came into my truck it was a breath of fresh air. But due to some bad trades we had no water or food to keep us on the trip.

We drive through dunes and sandy hills (more dunes) going on an on through a sort of endless golden brown haze of wind-patterned sand while our identities and roles quickly shift unnoticed (as happens in dreams).

And we're 3 aboriginal boys, human boys, running away from the police of fantasy creatures because humans aren't allowed on this land. We run through swamps and become covered in mud. WE run through a tunnel of ever changing bright light colors making the strangest shapes on the walls. It's triangular and we crouch down, pressed against the wall, allowing the colors to shine onto our skin to camouflage as the henchmen that look like toads or ogres or really large men in uniforms rush past us gruffing and huffing.

We run out of an red-doored emergency exit to see the most idyllic beautiful forest up ahead. THe trees make the shape like a disneyland princess castle and it practically shines and glitters in the distance. It is our goal because once in this magical forest we'll be protected.

We begin to lope through the open field which is like any movie picturesque open field, with wheat and grass up to our waists being gently and rhythmically moved by a breeze.

But we hear a shout and know that the guards have seen us, we stop dead, look one another in the eye and all run back towards the rainbow tunnel and swamp.

We're clinging for dear life through waves and mud and our dying strength to the poles of the bottom of the pier that holds the tunnel up. WE duck under it hoping to escape detection. If they see us here, there's no where left to run.

I wake up just as I hear the shouts of our discovery.

Can someone please put the date back on my blog?

While your at it, please make me more interesting.

I'm in need of a blog makeover.

To Update

I suppose it's time to stop being so vauge via blog about my current state of life, it's taken up by:

Sleep
Crazy uncontrollable dreams that leave horrible impressions all day long
Hives and different medication combinations
Family time to the max
Feeling like I'm being a horrible and inadequate girlfriend
Slacking off with school work (already in the second week)
Reading homework
Avoiding doing homework
And being in a bad mood.

I feel so distant from the normal world when really i've been here the entire time. You know, dealing with mortality, education, and the progression of my life.

There have been a lot of things to think about, one of which is, What am I doing the rest of my life? Am I wasting away?

To try and make myself feel better I attempted to make a purchase too large for life.

I was denied.

No surprise there. hahahaha

Dream Weaver Please give me Respite

from dream moods dictionary:

A recurrant dream of mine lately (at least two or three strong ones in the past month)

Flood

To dream that you are in a flood, represents your need to release some sexual desires. If the flood is raging, then it represents emotional issues and tension. Your repressed emotions are overwhelming you. Consider where the flood is for clues as to where in your waking life is causing you stress and tension. Alternatively, the dream may indicate that you are the one who is overwhelming others with your demands and strong opinion. 

 And last night's

Train

To see or dream that you are in a train wreck, suggests chaos. The path to goals are not going according to the way you planned it out. Or you may be lacking self-confidence and having doubt in your ability to reach your goals. 

Lost

To dream that you are lost, suggests that you have lost your direction in life or that you have lost sight of your goals. You may be feeling worried and insecure about the path you are taking in life. Alternatively, you may be trying to adjust and get accustomed to a new situation in which the rules and conditions are ever changing.

Love

To dream of love of being in love, suggests intense feelings carried over from a waking relationship. It implies happiness and contentment with what you have and where you are in life. On the other hand, you may not be getting enough love in your daily life. We naturally long for the sense to belong and to be accepted. 

 

Mud

To see mud in your dream, suggests that you are involved in a messy and sticky situation. It also suggests that some internal cleansing is needed. 

To dream that you are walking in mud, suggests that you are feeling weighed down by a situation, problem, or relationship. You are feeling frustrated.

To dream that mud has gotten on your clothing, signifies that your reputation is being attacked and called into question. Consider the term "mud-slinging" to refer to some politicians.

Not to definitively say that I believe in "dream interpretation" but when you're being driven crazy and feel like you're about to lose it major time it's necessary to look for answers. To look for some sort of clue as to what the hell is going on.

I'm sorry I couldn't Be there. But I'm here now. And I am This. And I need you.... I can't. I'm too afraid. This Isn't Real

In strong dreams feelings are so much more overpowering and poignant.

I can't seem to bear it.

In my dream You were there, knocking on the door, looking for me. I wanted so badly to open it, but I knew if I did I was lose it all over again.

I listened to the knocking and slept on. and on. and on. And I should have never woken up.

I feel jarred into real reality. Would prefer to be in my own. Would prefer to be stuck in my own alternate universe.

If all the world is a stage, then my day to day life I am performing. And when I sleep I'm finally behind the wings, resting the act, remembering what it's like to be myself for myself.

I'm just tired, is all. I'm going crazy and I'm losing it because I'm tired. I'm always like this when encountered with extreme lack of sleep. I'm always like this when I start ignoring the fact that I need to sleep. I need some sleep. I need to sleep so I can wake up somehow less crazy, and somehow calm, and somehow rational.

I'm sick of the smell of cigarettes. I'm sick of the smell or perfume. I'm sick of the noise, I'm sick of the noise. I'm sick of the upkeep and the dissapointment. I'm just so tired.

And I dream too strong and so I'm not resting. But I'm so tired and I can't seem to sleep and I'm lost. I'm lost.

I've been quoting songs too much. Oh well.

I NEED SOME SLEEP
The Eels

I need some sleep
It can't go on like this
I tried counting sheep
But there's one I always miss
Everyone says I'm getting down too low
Everyone says you just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go

I need some sleep
Time to put the old horse down
I'm in too deep
And the wheels keep spinning 'round
Everyone says I'm getting' down too low
Everyone says you just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go
You just gotta let it go

You just gotta let it go

I'm pretty sure I'm about to lose it. I'm pretty sure I'm about to lose it.

Write a hundred times, "I am ok."

I am OK. I am OK.I am OK.I am OK.I am OK.I am OK. I am not ok....

Crescendo

Two deaths in the family in a matter of hours. I won't lie, I'm avoiding the family time.

I've written a handful of blog entries I think I'd rather "draft" for now.

But what I can't seem to hide is, What do you do in the the face of grief? If you don't believe in hell you can't believe in heaven, and if there isn't a god and there isn't an afterlife, is there no consolation from death?

It's hard to see someone lose their son, grandfathers, fathers, brothers. In a day.

Is it some sort of really strange coincidence? Or maybe there's some sort of story i'm missing out on here. Maybe there was a connection.

My uncle's girlfriend barely coherently through tears said, "This wasn't the deal. You were my stronger half, this wasn't the deal, we were a family of two." and my heart bled for her.

And I wonder, is this simply what death is and I was allowed to turn a blind eye till now? Is that how we all die? Is that how we'll all die? Is this just how it is?

The worst idea of grief, the one that scared me the most was life going on and on and never stopping for anyone. And it has. Everyones lives continue with sicknesses, and boyfriends, and school, and work, and a million other things. And I somehow want it to stop. Can we stop? Can we all just stop?

So many people's lives have stopped. And as a mockery the rest of us (because I'm included) just keep on going.

How do you help someone cope with mourning? How do you tell your best friend from childhood, you're only friend from childhood, that you held her fathers hand as he was nothing but skin and bones beneath a bed sheet, and asked him to hold on until she could come say goodbye? But he just couldn't. How do you hold someone back from the abyss?

I'll be honest, because lying is so inappropriate. I am not mourning. We barely knew each other, after all. Maybe he took us to the movies once, maybe he got us lunch sometimes, maybe he was seamlessly weaved into certain parts of my childhood. I won't pretend out of respect for him and those that loved him that I can grieve as much as they. But he was jenna's father. He was my lola's son. He was my mom's brother. And I cannot turn away from that.

I pick her up from the airport, from what I assume was two days of hell that I can't begin to imagine after 4 months of hell that I can't begin to imagine.

Auld Lang Syne

Ok, enough of being horribly dismal and ridiculously depressed. I've focused on the bad for too long. Here are the bad things:

1. My car broke broke broke down
2. My computer is broken
3. My laptop is broken
4. My cell phone is broken
5. I feel horribly fat
6. My sister and I: biggest fight since Cain and Able
7. no job, no prospective job, no idea what I'm doing for the rest of my life, completely lost in life
8. Fighting/fights with Adam
9. Hives, headaches, menstrual problems, and many problems associated with medications.

I know it could be so much worse, and that's what everyone wants to remind me. It serves as very little consolation. Just because it can be worse doesn't mean it isn't bad. And  many people will find comfort in knowing they are not alone in whatever it is they're going through: misery loves company. I am the opposite in some ways, it makes me feel so much worse to know that everyone goes through the same miseries: it proves that these trials are normal, inevitable, helpless parts of life.

But, especially with a recent change of events, the holidays, and... I guess a dire need of a pick me up. I need to remember that there is so much good.

1. My car is actually being covered by the warranty. Even 250 of the towing charges. That's a ridiculously huge load off of my chest. 
2. My cell phone got fixed for now.... for free!
3. My sister and I made up for christmas. (We both didn't feel like being mad anymore anyways)
4. I got to see the snow.
5. I have a possible job option up and coming..... o0o0o0o0o
6. I have an absolutely hands down wonderful McWonderful boyfriend/best friend. That even if we occassionally hit a rough patch is still there for me in every aspect and way. Yay, go Adam.
7. I have a handful of good friends, who I enjoy spending time with, talking with, and even occassionally just emailing with that I can laugh with, be happy with, and feel like I'm less of a lonely bast.
8. I finally got my period, I have an allergist appt. in a week so hopefully we can find a new medicinal cocktail.
9. I start school soon!!!!!!!! So my brain won't be stagnant level max!
10. I finished my Kurt Vonnegut book which I very much enjoyed (anyone else love Vonnegut? I always loooove book buddies, and i've read most vonnegut books if you ever want to chat it up)
11. Adam and I got Disneyland tickets for christmas! (may possibly get to see The Phantom after all)
12. I got cool new shoes and gonna get a super awesome bluuuuuue jacket
13. I had a good new years eve, a good christmas, and everyone I love is safe, sound, and gonna be ok.
14. I cleaned my room, cleaned my house, taught my little sister how to ride a bike, pet the dog, and got to play with a puppy

So, Life is awesome. There are so many good things I appreciate every moment of every day. And even during my series of small catastrophes I would lose it, lose it, and lose it if it weren't for the million small and large things that I  enjoy, love, and am definately grateful for. So next time someone asks, "How've you been?" I'll stop being such a no good downer McDowner grinch and hesitating and saying "ehhh... I'm allriiiiiiiight." My medicines make it easy to forget how to smile.

So I'm forcing myself to remember. Smiles.