He called me. talked for 40 minutes. said he wrote me an email but didn't. Just a touch dissapointed.

But i got to talk to him. which was nice. all questions remain unanswered.

whatever.

When Will This Get Better?

I feel this need to talk to someone but i know it won't go anywhere. I don't even really need help. there's no advice to give. i jsut want to talk abou tit. to talk and talk and talk.

But who calls someone for that? how irritating. Instead i'll jsut yammer on and on and on here.

exciting.

I just don't see how we came to this. how i've become this. i'm like 2 steps to completely psycho. as it is i'm obsessed and ridiculous. but i feel like i can't help it. i can't help it. how DID we become this?

Over and over and over and over. i think the same like 3 thoughts all fucking day long.

so many ridiculous questions i don't even want to know the answers to. statements whose response i can't begin to hear.

why. why. why the fuck did this happen? what did this to us? how could this happen? how?

I can't sleep. i can't think. i can't focus. the only thing there is you. you. you. you.

everyone keeps telling me to stop. but i can't seem to.

I tell myself things liek "maybe you should lay off the internet for a while.." cause i know if i weren't to check then i wouldn't know and i woudln't obsess and it'd get better...

But i can't help it. i can't help it. i can't help it.

I like repeating things 3 times. it's pretty ineffective but makes me feel a little better.

How could he?

To my All

I'm sorry my hair never flowed in the wind. That i never wore colors that brought out my eyes. I'm sorry i was neither mesmerizing or intoxicating. I'm sorry i wasn't sweet voiced or sweet anything, really.

I'm sorry that i was no writer's cliche. Or artist's conception. I'm sorry i wasn't beautiful.

I don't think i've ever known how to be.

I'm sorry for never knowing my heritage but somehow bending back to the same weak willed woman role. I'm sorry for reading too much and never memorizing poetry. I'm sorry i couldn't paint or draw or smear my hands with colors and make something we could all call art.

I'm sorry that when it rained my hair never worked. that when i was happy i wasn't also pretty. I'm sorry storms were never romantic to me. That your heart never caught at sight of me. I'm sorry that i could never be model pretty. model thin. model clean.

I'm sorry i've never known how to be deep, dark, or jaded. I was only always complex. there's a difference. I'm sorry i never learned the difference between love and passion. intelligence and wisdom. I'm sorry i've never taken consequences into thought.

I'm sorry I don't look good in dresses. That i'm nothing romantic.

I think i'm even sorry that my hair was never lighter. That my skin was always brown. Because we all know that brown girls aren't beautiful.

I'm sorry i didn't even have pretty asian girl hair. Mine just frizzes. I didn't even have typical asian features.

I'm sorry i wasn't blonde and pretty. I'm sorry i was neither strong or delicate. I wasn't ever frail or well built.

I'm sorry if i never had a compatible sense of humor. Or i wasn't fun enough. or carefree enough or anything enough. When i tried i guess it all came out wrong.

I'm sorry i couldn't play any instrument or sing at all. I was never musically inclined.

I'm sorry i never wrote good poetry. or good stories. and always wished i could.

I'm sorry for wishing. i'm sorry for hoping. i'm sorry for everytime i made you feel like a dissapointment. you weren't. i'm sorry for claiming that i've worked so hard. i'm sorry for giving up.

I'm sorry for wanting you. or needing you.

I'm sorry my eyes never sparkled or twinkled or shone. that my smile didn't either. I don't have the ability to be rosy. or graceful. That being sad is confused with wishful. and thoughtful with angry.

I'm sorry i didn't laugh more. That i cried too much. that i was never comforting to hug.

I'm sorry that i've always been hard to fall in love with. But so easy out.







(I'm only half a body without your embrace.)

In a Nutshell

I'm jealous.I'm jealous.I'm jealous.I'm jealous.I'm jealous.I'm jealous.I'm jealous.I'm jealous.I'm jealous.I'm jealous.I'm jealous.I'm jealous.I'm jealous.I'm jealous.I'm jealous.I'm jealous.I'm jealous.

I, Sydney Tan, am (which doesn't happen that often) confessedly jealous.

Jealous.

Stupid girls with their stupid hair and stupid pretty smiles. Stupid girls with stupid arms and stupistupidstupid happy looks. Stupid girls being everything i'm not except i'm stupid too. stupid stupid. stupid. stupid.

Stupid hope. and stupid jealousy. stupid heart. and stupid dissapointment.

Stupid girls with stupid names and stupid everythings.

Stupid girls who probably fall for your sensitivity and light colored eyes. and your hair. and your perfect body. and your godforsakingly cute dimples. stupid stupid girls. stupid girls who probably don't complain about your facial hair and love the same kind of music as you. that, when you take them home, probably get along swimmingly with your friends. Stupid girls all better than me in a thousand different ways.

(sigh+ pout + sad love song = sniffle)

Stupid ___ with his nice cuddling body. and Eric's awesome everything. stupid me trying to split things up. and it not working because i love you still. godfuckingdamnit. stupid stupid stupid.

Stupid saddness and stupid love. stupid stupid love. stupid clingy feelings stupid pushing people away. stupid distance. stupid poems and stupid songs.

And i guess while i'm complaining i should add: Stupid me. stupid stupid me. for 1) being perpetually awful 2) perpetually awful to you 3) forbeing perpetually awful and pushig you away 4) being perpetually awful, pushing you away, and then sincerely hoping for you to meet someone new. and 5) having all of that be my fault.

stupid life. stupid stupid stupid life.

Sleepover Sunday

I waited all week for word. Received none. Come sleepover morning there it was. Simply only.

A note.

That's it.

Spent all day dissapointed. Cried for you to pass the the time.

Counted down the days till you'd be home again.

family yelling. pms and guilt. wanted you here.

Thought about god and church and how maybe i'll start going. maybe i'll start believing.

Would anyone believe me?

wanted warmth.

And It's You

I am happy.

I mean, i have my emotional moments still. but for the most part: i'm happy.

completely wonderfully deliriously happy.

I have awesome friends. no contest.

I have no drama. (not really anyways.)

And i'm absolutely completely wonderfully deliriously happily in love.

And that's enough for me right now. Everyone says i'm being ridiculous. That i should give it up already or that i'm investing too much into things too quickly or whatever. That maybe i'm pulhing things from sky castles or happy memories or this pleasent gap called my ass.

And i am. i know that deep down as much as i don't want to admit it.

But for right now... I really need to be happy. I need to wake up each morning and not mind it too much. I need to keep my head up and the work rolling. I need to be ok right now.

And if that means i'm going to allow myself to hopelessly love adam then so be it. So what if he never sends message or email. or that he doesn't call. that he probably never thinks of me. that he's going to start moving on too.

That's ok. i want him to be happy too. and he's going to do whatever he needs to to be happy.

But for right now the only thing really pulling me through is Adolfo (unwaveringly)

and sometimes the knowledge that you have my heart.

I smile to myself about it all day. i think of you and smile.

and that's what i need.

so everyone who thinks it's wrong can try and find somethign better for me.

They aren't going to Find it.

is there still hope?

You All Know You're Jealous

First post of the day:

::megasigh:: he so called me. he called me. he called me.

:sigh:

i'm such a silly girl thing. i'm so excited that i don't eve have my glasses on.

that and i'm freezing my ass off.

god! i don't even knowwhat we talked about! ew. next time i'm so going stalker on his ass and recording the conversation. LOL. no really.

he said he'd call me again. so yay for that?

PS perfect timing. i regret nothing. yea. take that.

i'm lying. i'm going to wake up one day and realize i fucked up a good chance with a really great guy for someone who might not ever love me agian. AWESOME.

i don't care much for that anymore. the fact that he might not loveme back.

the way i figure it... I Love Him. And that enough for me.


ew. and i SO spilled the beans. i'm ashamed. he says "so tell me about this new guy you're dating?"and me being who i am, which is a complete and total dolt i say "oh. well we're not"

"you're not dating anymore? why? what happened?" and i i just COMPLETELY blurt out in half a breathe : "yeawellthethingisirealizedi'mstillinlovewithyousoiwaslikeyea?no.andsowe'renot. but that's besides the points. ADOLFO'SBEENREALLYGOOD!"

and theni breathed. and talked abotu adolfo's new shirt. he allowed for this changeof subject. THANK GOD.

when i first heard his voice i was so happy i almost cried. ALMOST. didn't. i will when i go tak ea shower.

AND NEXT WEEK ON DAYS OF OUR SYDNEY:

we'll count all the ways we canoverthink and over feel into a 10 minute phone call.


ps. we all know i am.

A Lesson on Longing, Mistakes, And Distance

Assignment: Tell about a dream you've had.

She kneels before him.
THe rough ground imprints her knees.
She winces in pain.
And hides it.

He lays in window Light.
He's sick or tired.
Perhaps both.
beseeching.

And he places his hand
against the bare of her neck.

THe blankets and sheets lie
in knots.

He pulls her in.
Meets no resistance.

They rest their heads
Against one another
And breathe.

Too afraid to kiss.
They breathe.

There are no words.

Utitled For Now

And she says:
"please. Not now.
I'm not ready for this."

And he disregards her.
Pour his heart out anyway
onto the floor
Allows it

to wet her ankles
the edge of her skirt.
get into her shoes.

to increase her discomfort.

And all she can do
is cup her hands
To bail the water out.

A Secret Letter

Dear You,

I miss you something terrible. It's awful. awful awful. All words fail me.

I think o fyou. constantly. and i almost wish you'd tell me to quit it. that you're over me.

This week i'm officially "breaking up" with my new him. although i never considered us officially dating. You were always just my boyfriend.

I'm trying so hard to be happy. and i am. when i'm with adolfo. when i'm with andrea. these breathing times when i can sorta let it go.

But i don't ever forget.

I desperately wish there was something i could do. There isn't.

Please forgive me in my lapse of good judgement. Forgive me in my weakness.

"It's a mother fucker. being here without you. I won't ever be the same."

I feel as if i'm being pathetic. and desperate. please come prove me wrong.

I am queen of emotional confessions.

dear you,

I miss you terribly. awfully. unbearably.

please come put me back together.

Yours Always.

Road Tripping. Can you Dig it?

ok! like the fiftieth entry for the day... but to FINALLY talk about my weekend!

like omg.

let's make a list:

1. left for LA on friday afternoon around 3ish. stuck in traffic for EVER. played double digits and out of state. beginning of bruise. danced and made traffic friends (by friends i mean people who gave us crazy looks or shook their heads in disdane). Adolfo drove most of it. me clocking in 3 or 4 hours and int hat time going only 100 miles. give or take.
2. Ate at the apricot tree. wasn't so bad.
3. Arrived in LA at around 12 ish. 1ish. was lost in LA for a bit. we drove through: historic filipino town, beverly hills, korea town, ended in little tokyo. finally find hotel. Check in. change. pillow fight. sleep.
4. Went and saw Cal State LA. it was pretty. a touch sun shiney. i liked, indeed.considering major in english - creative writing. and then a minor in french or spanish lit?
5. Breakfast in... where was it? no! it was like 12ish. and we walked around this... i don't know what to call it... mexican district? either way, it was like the LA equivalent to Mission. and then walked through the Jewelry District.... (we were lost on foot. silly in deed.) soon change to banking/ financial district? find park. find restaurant. REALLY good pasta at CPK. indeed. walk back to car like 50 million blocks away. go through big scary tunnel.
6. Back to Hotel. check out their Japanese tea garden. see little old ladies in kimonos... like... erall japanese people. in real kimonos. lol. watch a movie. take a nap.
7. Drove past china town and thai town. Hollywood blvd. shopping + walking + eating. clothes.
8. Hotel. Ready.
9. Clubbing on Santa Monica Blvd. oh yes.
10. Hotel. warm clothes. walk around little tokyo at 3ish in the morning taking pictures. getting scared by darklike people behind mission fences. still traffic on highway.
11. Hotel again. change + scary movie turn off early + sleep.
12. Awake at 10:30. check out at 12.
13. Sunset Blvd. Breakfast at IHOP. lol.
14. Beverly hills again. Rodeo Drive. Obscene comments for rich white snotty people.
15. road home.
16. Adolfo drives. confirmation of bruise. stop at Andersen's. was aaaaaaaawwwwwwwfffuuulllll. fun drives. and love and such.
17. home around 930ish?

For picture coverage try : http://codezlenom.blogspot.com

I would write about all the happy golden moments inbetween but i'll save those inside me better. sacred. private.

Twenty Somethings

I'm having eczema breakouts everywhere. it's pretty gross. I think it's a shower thing... But no one believes me... Zelda Sayer Fitzgerald used to have eczema breakouts. Hers were stress induced. and it'd get so bad throughout her entire body and she wouldn't be able to move. Yea, book i read.

Either way,

I'm so sad about my somethingsomething that i can't seem to sleep. I wish i knew what to do. I wish i knew how to fix it. But really, there's no way. no way to fix anything. It's just something i have to deal with and bare.

Bear...

(sigh)

I guess it's just another way of Life that sucks fuckign ass. I'm listening to my sad songs playlist on iTunes. And i'm deathly in love with the eels.

Do i have anything important to say at this point in time?

nah. I never do.

Except that it's laura's bday tomorrow.

And These Are the Moments of Life

A Moment

I'll listen to this message a thousand times. Just to hear your voice.

I'll write a thousand letters that i'll never send or post.

But it all comes down to this:

I'm sorry for all the times i took you for granted.

Clubbing last night.

Fun. like always. :mega sigh: how i do love clubbing.

How i do love adolfo.

And dancning.

And dancing with adolfo.

::megamegasigh::

Getting ready and cleaning up before leaving to LA. am VERY tired. room QUITE a mess. much homework to be done. what a weekend.

I know what i want. I know what i need. I feel like my life is falling apart and there's a very immature part of me that does in fact, want to go get my razor, cry in a corner and make pretty patterns.

And then i'm glad i grew out of that. Yes, it's my first instinct at times like this, when it feels like everything is spinning out of control and my life is no longer mine. But i don't.

But i do know what i need:

my center.

I need you here wordless and understanding. Defensive and protective: of me. not yourself. Just like always.

I want that easy fit. i want that. i want that. I want the sound of you around me, your familiar smell.

But you're not here.

_______


I"m considering dropping a class or two. i'm like borderline breakdown at this point.

On Thursday Nights the Lights Dim

(homework: poem on another culture)

Shoulder to shoulder
The bodies move.
Shirts thrown,
Skirts rolled.
The flash of skin
In darkness

Illuminated momentarily.

Everyone dips and curls
Sensually.

“Shh,” she whispers
As her hand finds yours:
Pulls you in.
Pull you out.

Breathless.

And she stands before you,
Hips swinging.

Affirmation of Immortality.

Your eyes shut.
Your heart to the music beat.

And the crowd pushes closer.
Pushes closer.

And He's Waiting

(freewrite: "imagine you're in a room within your heart. in this order. What do you hear? there is a window. what do you see outside of it? Someone is there, who is it? What are they doing? THere's a door, it's locked, what opens it?)


The bass is high,
It speeds and slows:
Moving.

The sky outside is scarlet:
It sings.

And in the corner he stands
Dressed in black.
Cool as ever.

His graceful hands trace beauties
You could never keep without him
Onto the walls with a thin, black brush.

He stops.
He sees you—
Watching him.
Enchanted.

He cries for you.

His sighs
And tears

Washing away the locks
And doors
And walls.

Love comes.

Everything clears:
The sunset
The paintings
The music.

There is nothing.

I just wish i knew he was reading. That he still cared.

Brandy Morning

Fell asleep against his knee, the most comforting thing after it's been so long.

Woke to watch the sunrise through red lace curtains.

A touch of shame. embaressment. Mostly just gratitude on the most romantic drive home ever. THe fog settling over houses, above it all, the sun rising, full moon still low.

His warmth.

After such a long night. of calling too many people. or not enough.

There's nothing like Betrayal

how could you?

how could you lie to me like that? abotu something that mattered so much to me.

and just turn to her like happy and your back on me again.

you fucking asshole. you ASSHOLE.

yea i bet she's fucking happy you went to france. so glad you had a safe trip and you're nothing but puppy smiles tripping over yourself to apologize.

what a fucking liar.

why would you do that. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT.

why would i do this? ask questions i'm not ready to hear the truth for. look through thigns i'm not ready to see. break walls i'mnot ready to walk over.

i just can't believe you would do that to me. You of all people.

"oh, i'm so sorry. she meant nothing to me. i was SO awful to say those things. i only did it because she made me. i'm a snivelling pathetic little shit with no sense of loyalty. no sense of love."

wow.

honestly, i'm completely taken aback, shocked. I didn't think you had the power to be such an outright asshole. no, really, of anyone i know you were the last i figured that could do such a fuck-ass dick thing. and know it. yea, so you've hurt me. but that could take a back burner, blamed on myself. but this? wow. i applaud your skill.

i guess i just figured... with how much you meant to me, that i could ever mean so little to you.

I just remembered the time you put that box beneath my car to find after school. It was raining. there were trinkets inside. I was your queen. Like a treasure hunt i followed you to the restaurant. And there you were, waiting with flowers.

How i loved you then.

do you remember what we did last valentines? i can't seem to remember...

We made so many days important they all swim together. birthdays, anniversaries, last days together for a week.

god, how i love you.

Haikus

02/07/06
(assignment: write five haikus)

______________________


The warmth of his breath
Gasping along my bare neck—
Against the cold night.



____________________________


The large orange Moon
Hangs low over distant lights.
Waves crash onto our feet.



________________________


Cars sliding past with
Rainbow water trails flying
Against the highway.



_________________________

Tangled through her hair
He pulls in closer. Closer.
Breathless sighs, melting.



_________________


The beautiful boy
In the loud music club light
Kisses other boys.



_____________________


Her smooth polished hands
Fall into the thick dark mud
Without shame or guilt.

I haven't cleared you from my room. my life. I wake up and I hold the gifts you've given me. your pictures still on my wall, your name at the tip of my tounge.

I don't expect anymore. i barely wait.

i don't want to think of how i've hurt you. I've been so absorbed in my own pain and your own apparent apathy (defense, i know) that i didn't stop to think. To think how angry you might be. How so much of this is my fault.

I was ridiculous to think you could forgive me all my mistakes.

I'm sorry. so sorry.

Unplayed Piano

I don't know why you never call. WHy i expect you to. Why i send emails. why i think of it all day long.

Are you angry? angry how quickly i've grown used to another boy's lips. How i can't remember how you and i used to be.

It's not the kissing i miss. Not the sex like i thought it would be. Maybe it isn't even the love. Because we've gone over and over what love meant to me.

It's the way you read me. Knew me. picked up all my signals and gave me what i needed. it's the easy body language. the comfort. the safety. The way my body could fit perfectly into yours and have that not taken out of context.

sometimes i miss the pain. the affirmation of reality.

I always thought you and i didn't have real conversations. I've only just realized it was only the sound of one anothers voice we needed.

Remember when i told you that really crappy shampoo analogy? If anything I hope we both learned that lesson.

Because sometimes i think back to all the times i could have kissed you. and didn't. The times i could have just let you love me. and didn't. all the time i wasted hating andhurting and pushing and pushing and pushing you away.

And now there's nothing left. no love. no sweet. no goodnight calls or reminders. there's nothing.

No matter what i do or how hard i try there's still only nothing. Not hope or wishing or faith could change it. Nothing.

Here is our lesson. Here is our regret.

strike that. here is my lesson. my regret.

I'm glad you've learned to live.







__________________________________



PS i would have done anything for you. would have died for you. given my everything only and always to simply belong to you. you could have beaten, bruised, and branded me. if only itmeant i could prove how much i loved you. how yours i really was. Chained me, raped me, hidden me. As long as you kept me. as long as i loved you. 'tell it like you still believe the end of the centruy is a change for you and me.'

Nightmares and Dying Wishes

Her voice is weak through the hallway. Sounds of showers and rising steam. She calls you. feeble.

THe last word we've ever wanted to describe her. Sick. Tired. older.

WE never wanted to realize your mortality. "please" you say, begging. This can't be true, this can't be true.

But it is. One by one her organs revolt. test after test. knife after knife. surgery after surgery.

It approaches.

You never want to grow up. not in that way. not in that way. Never want to be the adult. Never want your mother in the ground.


She is strong and beautiful. Thin and tall. She is wonderful. wonderful.

Goddess in god. Light in light. How many words will never begin to describe her?




"Please," I say.

On her knees praying: begging.

I'd give up the world to keep her.

Believe

And he says "just like you said it would"

and i know he's addressing me. and my heart goes out to him. the same hear that's been his these so many years. And i know the situation and the inappropriateness of it all...

I feel like a liar. Like someone with no heart. Like this entire time i've been doing these awful things and saying these awful thoughts and feeling these awful feelings. And they were all undeserved. inappropriate. Wrong. Just wrong.

Sometimes i forget about the seperate lives rule and in the back of my mind i think "oh, i'll just tell him later" but there is no later.

he no longer addresses me.

I shouldn't care, shouldn't mind. I've a new 'he' now. full of jealousy and history and sweet thoughts.

"just like you said i would." over and over it plays in my mind. you remember me. you think of me. maybe once you took me to heart. maybe now you still do.

And that's enough. just like you said it would be.

I never meant to Love you still.

Depth is Overrated

Things that make me sad:

1. when congressmen (women too) only contact voters seeking "donations."
2. When certain people don't answer certain calls after someone who will remain unamed (me) finaly gets over the big gulp of hurt pride enough to call.
3. the fact that my cousin can't come home yet. stupid military.
4. the fact that i'm such a horrid prude, sometimes.
5. being so tired i have chest pains and am on the verge of crying all day long.
6. the main form of communication with a best friend of mine is accusatory blog entries. It's ok, i still love you.
7. being interminably irritated with my dad for no reason. i feel bad but can't stop it.
8. having too many periods. can anyone say my third in like 9 weeks?
9. the thought and fear of moving away to be alone after it's taken so long to find friends that are worth it and then when you move they'll learn how to live without you and then you won't be friends anymore.
10. (this one makes me the most sad) SCHOOL.


Things that make me feel sexy:

1. doing homework fresh from teh shower on my bed naked
2. dancing in clubs with barely shirts on
3. giving eyes
4. adolfo
5. wearing skirts. and/or high heels
6. low cut shirts and push up bras
7. wow... so it's been a stretch to think of that many. i give up.

What a stupid night

Dream 1:

I was angry and so i wrote a text mesage to someone. said something along the lines of "yea. my aunt and cousin think so too. god. they're so nosy." they find my cell phone. find the text message. they cry and leave. angry.

I'm so guilty i don't know how to bear it.

Dream 2:

there's a damily party and two large cats. One looks like it could be a cheetah mixed with a bengal. It's roaming and running the streets while all the kids chase after it. it confuses me. I continue to walk and there's a larger lion cat in a cage. EVeryone stands and wants to touch it. I see her chains and begin to cry. And through the tears i see her flesh rotting in several places. THere's holes in her body where you can see her insides. I start screaming fo rthem to let her go. She needs help, is the thing. She'll die, is the thing. They'll all get in trouble if someone finds her here like this.

I'm so guilty i don't know how to bear it.

____


I wake up feeling sick.

i fucking hate you. i hate teh power you haveove rme. i hate how you constantly dissapoint me. Do you realizet aht? YOU FUCKING DISSAPOINT ME.

how's that for hurtful. how's that for mean.

well how about this one.

i'm dating someone new. i'm dating someone better for me. i'm dating someone you'd hate to see me dating.

take that. take all of that. yes it's mean. yes it's unfair.

yes it's a thousand times selfish.

but of all people you're not allowed to hold any of that against me. ANY OF THAT AGAINST ME.

you're a bastard. a fucking jerk.

WHY THE FUCK COUDLN'T I BE ENOUGH?!

I hope you're miserable without me. because you'll never get me back. you'll never get me back. you'll never get me back.


(andi know you'll never try and i'll let that hurt me further)

On a Scale of 1 to 10:

The past couple of days : 2
Yesterday : 8.4
Last night : 10
This morning: 10
Right now: if we're lucky we'll say 3.

If she sent one in this is what they'd say:

"I never said I love you."

"I hope you realize that Paris is worthless without me."

"I love him when he makes me cum."

"I'm too afraid and confused to let you break me down."

She has a Secret Diary

This isn't the first time. Won't be the last.

You call it unlove. I call it unlove.

Let's just call it niether of us care anymore.

Forget those days. forget those hurts. Forget the whatever fell between.

Forget it all because you have to.Forget it because nothing will ever change the fact that i'm not strong enough for you.

Because I'll always love you.

And that won't ever be enough. (just like you loving me won't be enough.)

_____

In dirty white washed bathrooms she leaned her head against the walls and cried. Yes, cried for lost loves. And afterwards she didn't call you... Called a closer someone. Of course she didn't tell. She wouldn't have told you either. It was just the comfort of another voice. The comfort.

Always, all those years, I saw it as you were dark and jaded. Hard and tough. Everything i couldn't be.

And I could be a believer, a hoper, a lover, a magic in disguise come smile with me.

But that's not who you are anymore. Not who i am.

Together (but not together) we've grown up and grown strong and let's be honest, we don't need each other anymore.

If anything... I need you so i can believe again. If anything... You need me to be angry at.

M31 (Her Location in Space Against a Field of Nothing)

I have seen the rings of Saturn.

Pleiades, her sisters.
Orion’s nebulaic sword.
The red war of Mars.
The connection between
Aldeberan, Antares, Aquarius.
The Dog Star.
North Star.
Majors and Minors.
Twins.

The haze of Andromeda from light years away.
Her screams above the cliffs.

And I have stood there too,
Hair flying into the wind
Soaked and curled with saltwater spray.
Chains along my arms.
Eyes searching the sky.

Feeling the weight of infinity.
Of self-sacrifice
Looking back in time.
Fearless.

Prepared for Salvation.

(Homework Assignment: poem on ordinary extaordinary)

The Summer Prelude

The Spring enters with trepidation.

A young, naked girl dipping
The end of her toes in a lake.

Slowly,
Afraid of cold.

A foot comes next.
Bare leg.
Goosebumps along her body.

Sunshine is not constant.

Diving or screaming,
Hiding or smiling,
Between the waves of clouds.
Teasing.
Begging.

“Jump in,”
She says.

(freewrite excercise: Begin a poem with 'the spring enters with...')

Second Edition

And (as contrary to previous posts as it is)

for the first time in a while (a bit, perhaps?)

I miss him. I realize how much i loved him and i miss that.

And the sad part is... I think most about his body. The way it moved. the way it looked. how undressed and golden we were at one point. Plain faced: I found him utterly breathtakingly beautiful. And not in the sense to demean his masculinity (cause apparently i do that often to boys around me.) But because he was. and because i loved him. I know there were bad times. But more often than that were those heart swelling good ones. Where it didn't hurt. When looking at it all didn't hurt.

Times when i wasn't ashamed or embaressed. times when i could feel. oh feel.

But it was so easy to be angry while he was so hairy. So dirty. So equally cold.

I suppose there's a lot to be said for comfort and sex.

Tuesday? Indeed.

I feel quite accomplished today. I did all of the following:

woke up early
took a shower
did my homework in bed
got out of the house early enough to grab a chai
made it to school and class early enough to read
completely focused in math class
went to all my classes
made of list of everythign that needed to be done and when for the entire week
bought my film book, registered in both places, and emailed my teacher.
read all 30 pages of the Keats poems i needed.
went to class again, finished lab.
went home early.
worked on math for like 10 minutes.


See! i'm proud... aren't you?