Good

My Birthday was good...

A couple of sharp parts here and there... but overall good. which is good

housing is going alright. and school is up to there. and blah

but generally... still good.

and that's good

Ready? Ok!

I spoke too soon...

I felt happy and stable and satisfied for once. For a little bit.

And now I'm just so overwhelmed. I'm in over my head. And I'm worried. I'm discouraged. And :sigh: I'm really sleepy. And my back always hurts. and my stomach hurts. and i'm sleepy.

I feel so lost in my classes. I've met loads of people, but haven't really made any friends. I haven't been ballsy enough to initiate relations with my teachers for future letters of rec.

And while I've officialy declared my major. And I officially have a plan. I'm just having a down time right now...

And I'm need of a hug. and a pep talk.

Two weeks and Counting....

"It's the gradual descent into a life we never meant..."

I feel everything being to fall away, and even though it isn't quite gone, I miss it already.

I miss it.

Caught a Bus?

I never bother to keep up with my blog. But I often look and search back through it to see who I was at the time or where I stood.

At LOT has been going on. I'm finally moved into Santa Cruz. Finally seeing more about this long distance relationship business. It's good and bag and good again. Or some such.

And the most exciting of all...

I'm at a real college. If I could I would give the "real" part in neon lights with shine.

And as much as I wish I could say, for my dignity and in defense of community college, that it was the same and equally difficult... It's really really not.

Obviously the major I've chosen isn't going to be easy for myself. And the classes aren't going to be these little larks in the park. But I think for right now, I'm mostly dealing with the intense level of intimidation. I'm much more scared and doubtful than I am confident. I feel like an 18 or 17 year old freshman has that blissful confidence. I had it too once. As I heard once, "infuriatingly sure of themselves." Once I was able to believe in myself easier, simply as a gift of age. And this confidence allows them to take, head on, the things that are coming right at them.

But I can't. I feel like I second guess myself too often. I feel like I am often too humble when I should be pushing my way through to be noticed. That's something I've learned over the years that I never understood before, and in no way do I feel like it is wisdom. But more it's a sort of baggage. But I've learned this anxiety to kee myself invisible. I've learned to be so afraid of sounding like an idiot, that I'mmush more idiotic inmy silence. I have developed problems articulating my thoughts or feelings. And that is very much an hinderance. While it was ok to take the middle rows in community college, it isn't anymore. And while it was ok to not take myself seriously in community college, it isn't anymore.

And I have SO many readings. and such STRONG urges to be napping. and...

I do get homesick. Well, maybe not sick-sick, like I used to in LA. If there was a misery scale and killing myself was number 10. and being only slightly unhappy was 1. and 5 was moderately depressed.

In LA I was a 9. In Santa Cruz I'm a 2, possibly 3.

But I go home often enough to keep it in the low range. Things that I miss?

having a passenger side mirror. hah. hah. hah. not funny yet. really.