Memorial Day Weekend

Weekend was good:

• watched Indiana Jones:

I thought it was quite horrible. I think some part of me wanted to like it very much. And maybe I even enjoyed it.... But it was definately awful. It was completely implausible (even when allowed the suspension of disbelief because it was an action/comedy/fantasy movie... even given those, it somehow didn't follow its own logic) and implicitly racist. I'm given the understanding that all the Indy movies are... Bt I don't think I was ready for it. I'm too testy lately to accept stupid shit like that. And, I always seems to like Harrison Ford, he's got a rom-com ex heart-throb soft spot with me... BUt this time he was just so ungracefully old. Granted, he did well being so old. But... it was painful

• Made of Honor

I knew it would be dumb and dissapointing... and it was. Patrick Demp. didn't even give what I call "The Look." The Look is what Patrick Demp. does in all his roles. It's like the puppy "Baroo." Head slightly tilted, but not noticably so, it's just... relaxed in inquisitiveness. And his eyes soften, his brow beseeches, and his breath, some how, when he breathes, wraps around your very heart and pulls you in. And you know, through the TV tubes and non-HD (or low def) screen and the thousands of miles (and his wife, and his elevated status, and your status as dating someone else), through all this you know that he's completely sincere, completely loves you (no, me) with all of his heart and won't ever stop because the thought of life without you utterly crushes his soul. Nope, this movie, he steered clear from The Look, or maybe he didn't do it cause it's too exhausting to be so goddamned heartbreakingly true to his heart and his passion for me to do it one more time in a movie (cause he has o do it so often in a TVshow). and he didn't stay away in a good way, like how Will Smith lost his will-isms when doing that one movie... about his kid... what was it called? Happyness something or other... i remember the mispelled happiness (happyness). And in The Made of Honor, there was also no moment, that I find crucial to the overdone Rom-Com, where your heart just BROKE. where all of your insides come cryingweepingcrashing down in empathysympathyheartbrokensadness for whoever just got screwed. I go to those kind of movies for that moment. Call it catharsis, call it release, call it emotional orgasm... I like it. I like the ouchy heart breaky make me wanna die moments cause I get to walk away. I live for that horrible romantic break apart where I don't have to be apart of the drama. there's no friends I have to worry about, or sticky situations I have to pick my way out of... It's utterly string free heart breaking delightment. It didn't have that... So it was your stereotypical, relatvely shallow, non groundbreaking, cookie cutter rom-com without the best part. LAME

• Went to pescadero (strange, i know) for lunch, a drive, and to get away a little...

There are pictures that I hope to post eventually... We ran into two of the coolest, bad ass-iest sheep EVER. They were like... wool blankets rolled in the mud and pushin' the goats around. Had Artichoke soup which was relatively mediocre, didn't get to go to any antique stores, and got relatively mediocre artichoke bread. Oh, and I slipped convo topics and made my self an asshole. In my defense, I didn't know any better! and it's totally not my fault!

• went to a graduation party

For a cousin that I'm not close to, at a place that wasn't close, for food that made me REALLY sick, a drive that made me REALLY sick, and family interactions that just made me irritable. Oh, the things we do for no apparently worthwhile reasons...

• Finished a 10 pg paper

On... What was it on? Oh yea, Native American Boarding schools and their affects on modern native american life. Boy... that sure wasn't exciting. It could have been, yes, but it wasn't. Cause my class isn't, and therefore the actual assignments are not.

• Had ice cream

Two bad ice cream experiences:

1. Yogurtuille in San Mateo, a new place downtown that I think they want to be the new "it" thing. I had one spoon and wanted to throw up. You'd think a name like Yogurtuille would hint to me that in fact, it was made with yogurt... But I try it and am still surprised to find that it tastes like nasty ass cold yogurt. If you didn't know... I fucking hate yogurt. I have never once had a spoon of yogurt cause 1) the texture makes me want to vomit 2) the smell makes me want to vomit and 3) i licked a yogurt spoon once and the taste made me want to vomit. I don't like yogurt. I never have and I never will and I never want to. I hate yogurt. I could say it a million times. Yet, I'm the idiot who thought, "oh, I'll get like a huge ass cup of frozen yogurt and share with everyone since everyone is pissy as hell." Everyone was too pissy to have any... So Ihad a whole thing to myself, which I didn't consume. I threw away like 4 dollars on 1 spoon and no happiness.
2. Fentons in Oakland, it was a long wait, super busy, and i was feeling incredibly horribly ill. It wasn't bad, they had good french fries, but i was so sick that the texture of perfectly normal ice cream made me incredibly grossed out. The dairy, I couldn't take the taste of milk. And the Coffee was VERY strong coffee. Which I didn't enjoy at all.

• Spend a lot of time being sick
• watching a lot of TV
• and sleeping... A LOT.

Multiple Worlds Theory

There is a theory that multiple universes exist one on top the other, parallel, never to intersect with one another. This is based on the theory that an electron within an atom is at all places at once. It is nowhere predictable, with no routine path of travel, yet is everywhere, it moves so quickly and with such randomness that it travels every possible path. If an atom can be nowhere and everywhere at once, so the theory states, so could the entire universe.

I’ve read that according to this theory with every choice we make our world splits into a parallel universe, one take one path, the other takes the other.

If I decide to take a walk, then in another universe there is a me deciding to stay at home.

Accordingly, with the theory, parallel implies that these entire states of being never intersect. Into infinity.

Sometimes I wonder:

Is there, in some other universe, a “me” that has made the right choice every time a choice was encountered? Is there a “me” that always knew or could somehow understand that there was a better choice, and rather than make the mistake… avoided it? What is that “me” like? Is she successful? Is she happy? Has she reached some sort of glorious existence that I will never realize?

Has she never hurt any of the people she’s loved? Has she graduated from school? Has she been good at everything she encountered, or has understood that she cannot be good at everything and is ok with that? Is she stronger? Smarter? Faster? More beautiful? I wonder if in some other “me” that I’ll never meet, whose path I will never intersect, there is a goodness to such an ultimate degree that I cannot even fathom.

If, in a parallel universe, there is a version of myself that has always been right… Does that mean there is also one that has always been wrong? And every time she was to make a choice she dubiously made the wrong one? Were all of her errors in earnest, because she knew no other way?

Is that “me” truly me? Am I that one? Is there a possibility that that could somehow be the universe in which I exist? The one who only makes mistakes because vision has been clouded with delusion and thinks that wrong is right and right is wrong?

If I could understand these things, would I be a different person than I am today? Right now?

In a parallel universe do I not have to wonder about these kinds of things because I am granted the confidence of knowing that I always made the right, better, and smarter decision?

I wish I didn't hate school so much.

The Color of hatred

I am unsure of the proper way to deal with overt racism.

It lends itself to feelings of frustration, helplessness, and an indescribable sense of pain.

I ask you, my friends, How does one cope? 

How do we cope when we are witness to debilitating racism?

It's somehow stuck in my memory. I think of it every day. How can you look at people the same way and with the fair amount of understanding and remain free from judgement when you have felt threatened and almost ashamed of not only yourself and the color of your skin... But your entire background, your culture, your family for their background and culture, and the world you exist in? 

How do we manage to function in what is supposed to be a color free world when we're aware more than ever that we ARE colored? 

At this time in my life.... How do i react? What is proper?

What an Itch

Ok, so here's my self diagnosis:

I think I had a form of angiodema. It wasn't chronic but recurring. This means that throughout the years, relatively randomly, with no known triggers, my face has swollen up. My lips, sometimes nose, sometimes my eyelids. It was rare and as a family we decided it was somehow stress related. 

It escalated to my fingers and toes swelling. The palms of my hands. and the bottoms of my feet.

I remember very rarely and semi-vaugely getting a hive here or there in small batches. But never long enough to cause concern. Or, again, with any known triggers.

I think it's just somehow built up... To my case of chronic hives. For what feels like forever but is more like the past 3 months I've had chronic hives. And really bad ones.

All up both of my arms, fingers swollen to a point that I can't move them. Hives onmy back, neck, hips, sides, legs. It's usually worse on my hands and arms.

It's fucking unbearable. In the past 3 or so months there has only been one and a half days where I didn't have hives. It felt like the grip of some unforgiving monster finally loosened. And I could relax. and I could breathe.

Cause let me tell you right now... I can't breathe. I can't relax. Hives are frustrating. they're itchy. they make me cranky. I feel helpless against an unknown foe.

UNBEARABLE I SAY!!!!

It has significantly decreased the quality of my life.

Hear me Roar

It's recently come to me that I've never used my blog as a sort of soap box for my political and intellectual views. I should, they are actually, very important to me.

I grew up opinionated and loud, with a sense of righteousness and hope for change. Somewhere along the way, I lost that. I lost the sense of not only who I am, but who I can be.

Only now, through looking to empower myself in various ways, and reading various forms of political and social reforms, am I beginning to gain that sense of myself back.

In a nutshell I have decided the following

1. I am a feminist. That is undeniable.
2. I am not a Radical Feminist. There's something about any extreme politcs that make me wary. I cannot believe that patriarchy is the only evil in the world.
3. I think I fight more from a post-modernist woman of color in America sort of stand point.
4. I am not a Marxist. Like radical feminism the extremism is a little too much for me. I cannot believe that property rights and the borgeousie is the only evil.
5. I don't think I believe in liberalism.
6. I don't believe in capitalism.
7. Those who do not vote and care nothing for our government are the beginning of problems in our country.
8. I am scared and ashamed of the things our country has committed with the veil of justice.
9. I feel like the best of patriotism is to question anything and everything.
10. I hate the American flag.
11. Constitutional law bores me to no end.
12. SO does linguistics.
13. I don't appreciate or accept the power the Supreme court wields.
14. I don't think the Senate should be so goddamned useless. I feel like it's a bunch of money grubby elitest patriarchs fighting over who gets the biggest peice of pie. They haven't done anything useful or powerful in decades.
15. Don't think that means I agree with the the Unitary Executive that has slurped up power since Jackson like it were heroin. I don't.
16. I don't think it's always appropriate to complain about these problems in our society because I'm not always prepared to fight them.
17. I do believe the personal is politcal.
18. I believe in more socialist swaying revolutions.
19. I like the idea of more revolutions.
20. The coming recession (depression?) frightens me.
21. I am a woman.
22. And I have a Voice.

To prove that...

Here's probably the shortest and least complicated and most idealistic paper I've ever written for school. It required no outside text references and relied on simple argumentation. Please take into note that I wrote it at 1 in the morning after like, 18 hours of avoiding it. I think its really repetitive and I may have spun circles. I haven't even proofed it. once.

Class Paper – The Goals of Feminism

When posed with the statement, “Gaining equality with men should be the goal of feminism” there are many mixed reactions. It is a simple statement and at first it has few implications. It seems obvious that the main interest and tie of all kinds of feminism is the fight against patriarchy. This is an over simplification of what feminism hopes to achieve. Once it is truly thought about and investigated the implications of this statement come to light. This statement assumes one feminism that is fighting a single battle against a single purpose and all other fights are unnecessary to reach the ultimate goal of justice. To disappear all women into one single woman is an injustice and violence. It essentializes all those that have certain reproductive organs into one group of people with one homogenous interest and personality. This statement also assumes that there should only one goal of feminism and the most important goal is equality with men. Feminism, if it does not already, should have multiple goals and multiple interests to cater to the multiple levels on which feminists fight. Because of these reasons this statement cannot be accepted. To be equal to man is an important goal but it should not be the only one. The main goal of feminism needs to be a balanced and all encompassing goal of ending all inequality.
The goals of feminism need to include, rather than exclude, the various forms of feminism. There are countless aspects of feminism each with its own approach to inequality and with its own view of what it is to be a woman. There is Liberal feminism, Radical feminism, Marxist feminism, Eco Feminism, Cultural Feminism, and countless others. To decide that one is more important than the other or worse, that one represents true feminism while the others do not, is based on personal bias and unfair assumptions. Assuming one kind of feminism and one kind of woman normalizes that kind of female, typically a middle-class, white, and heterosexual female, as representative of her entire sex. This excludes all others. This exclusion perpetuates the “traditional” oppression of women of color, women of different economic class, women with different sexual preferences, and so on. This not only ignores but continues the oppression of some by certain kinds of women. For feminism to have a truly legitimate goal it cannot seek the promotion of women at the expense and downfall of different kinds of people. For a woman of color, to be forced to choose between whether she is black first and a woman second or vice versa is to sacrifice and integral part of herself. It negates an entire existence and way of life to presume that a woman can only need one kind of right and only fight for one kind of justice. For feminism to be strong it needs to realize that this division of interests is not a fragmentation that causes weakness. It is strength. If the goals of feminism can hold and embrace all the goals of women it will have the power of all women, half of the entire population. If the goals of feminism were to include the goals of all those challenging the supremacy and domination of a class of elite, hetero-normative, white, and monotheistic men it would have the support of more than half, it would have the support of a roaring majority. If feminism’s goals could be based on inclusion and egalitarianism rather than exclusion and normality it would not only gain strength and power, it would gain the equality that it seeks.
The goal of feminism must not enable the continuance of inequalities with its beginning statement. To state that there is only one goal states that, to feminists, there is only one important domination in society that must be fought. This ranks oppressions, which is a crime in itself. There are significant ways in which patriarchy has affected class relations, racism, and even the relationship between generations (to name a few). There are also important ways that class systems, racist structures, and age relations, have affected and propagated patriarchy. All dominations are equal in that they are injustice on an entire class of people. Different groups have basically the same belief that ending their favored form of oppression will end all oppressions. Marx believed that once the laborer was free all of humanity would rise as a unified humanity where there would be no sexism and no racism; granted, Marx was, given him time, racist and sexist. Radical Feminists believed that same thing, simply a different form of tyranny. They believed that once patriarchy lifted it powerful grip on society we would find no racism and no class interests. These approaches, while their intentions are honorable, are not realistic. Ending any one kind of injustice does not end all and we cannot assume that we can tackle them one at a time if each one is stepping on the others to win. Injustice anywhere is injustice everywhere. Feminists should not fight one, hoping it will be the end all, ultimate goal. Feminism needs to take into account and plan to fight all battles of discrimination, full force, all at once. If feminism can stop the upholding of any sort of prejudice from its methods and arguments and stop the hierarchy of struggles it will have already taken the first step towards victory.
To assume that to rid the world of patriarchy would be the fulfillment of equality is incorrect. Gender equality is not the equality to end all equalities. Its goals need to be much wider ranging and broad in order to gain strength and stamina. Feminism is complicated, multi-faceted, and densely rich. It cannot be essentialized, degraded, and standardized into this one goal and this one importance. It should be based on open doors, open arms, and understanding, not prejudice and judgments. Every aspect of feminism is important. The feminism of women of color, of socialists, of domestic concerned, of international, of homosexual, of heterosexual, and of any age are important and must be included. Feminists cannot be made to choose and rank their experiences and struggles at the expense of others. The goals of feminism do not assume a utopia or Garden of Eden where there will be no color, sex, class, or prejudice. The goal of feminism and feminists realize that one struggle does not dominate another and an end to all oppressions will be realized. It sees that it is an ongoing fight, that will be difficult and obscured every step of the way and because it is an ongoing fight in different areas it needs to face every aspect of injustice at exactly the same time, without neglect, in order to be effective. When the goals of feminism are inclusive, expansive, and warring at every front of inequality will be when the walls of domination begin to fall and the reaction will be one of victory.