Two thousand Ten

I was trying to think up a list of the things that have happened this year. The things that I've changed, that have changed around me.

I kept coming up blank.

And then I realized 2010 was a year where I was working on and focusing on stability. Some days I felt stuck in my stability and some days I felt safe in it.

In 2010 we didn't move. I didn't fall in love with anyone new. My heart wasn't broken. Our wedding wasn't planned. I had a couple nieces born but nothing that directly involves me.

I think a lot of people were sick this year. One person close to us died. There was emergency and crisis everywhere we went. Maybe that's why our life was studied calm and sameness. Maybe it was all we could do to keep it together.

But now, sitting here, nothing sticks out as a terribly trying year. We went on a couple mini vacations to wedding location scout. We went to Seattle for a weekend. We went to three different cities in Spain in just over a week. I got more colds and flus and food poisonings than I think I've ever gotten in years past. I blame it on old age. I got into petty neighbor squabbles.

I did dance classes, photography classes, considered (but couldn't afford) cello classes. I went and mastered and conquered the dog park. Speaking of dogs, Penelope got hit by a car, that was a load of fun.

I carried through on last year's resolution to develop more hobbies and to find what it is that I want to do. I'm leaving 2010 with a goal to begin the new year actively pursuing and accomplishing it.

SO! To prepare for 2011 here's what I've done:

• Got a fancy new haircut. It looks pretty good.
• Am working a new volunteer job (as well as my normal job) that I'm almost 90% sure will turn into some sort of paid job offer soon.
• We're moving out, our first day in the new place is around the 1st. Stay tuned for pictures
• My entire desk is clean
• My calendar is ready
• My life is organized.
• I'm ready to go.

I hope everyone has a safe, fun, and happy new year's eve!

Resolve

So, I've been thinking about New Year's Resolutions lately. I don't know if you know, but I'm a big believer in a good, solid NYR. I feel like people definitely shouldn't make them if they aren't ready to commit to it and I definitely think that a half-kept NYR is still a kept one.

If one resolves to exercise more and can get themselves to do it for 6 months, then that's 6 months improvement, and that much closer to having a better life or being a better person or being closer to happiness. I don't think a person should be completely unrealistic and expect to do something EVERY day for the rest of their lives.

It's official!!

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On The Move Again...

These boxes have survived multiple moves in as many years.

Looking forward to a new year where all the changes will be for the better.
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The Heart of the Matter

OK, so here's the thing:

I'm afraid that the things I'm doing aren't worthwhile things.

I'm afraid that I have no direction in life and nothing makes me happy and nothing ever will.

I'm afraid that I'll never find anything that I am jointly good at, enjoy, and don't mind doing long term.

I'm afraid I'll never find a suitable career to commit to and I'm afraid that just for the sake of commitment I'll stay doing things I hate, that I am not good at, and that make me depressed.

I'm afraid that I'm lost and I won't ever find my way.

I'm afraid that I'm too afraid and don't know how to have confidence in my own decisions and so I'll be stuck like this forever.

That's the thing.

Chronicles

I was on a sort of Christmas Spirit high from Thanksgiving and only now is it starting to dwindle away...

The euphoria from shopping has faded, the feeling of accomplishment of getting my list taken care of is anti-climatic.

We got out tree, put up lights, and I'm suddenly surprised it's just more of the usual. Work sucks, weather sucks.

I'm either covered in medication resistant hives or bug bites. Either one is no good.

A month left of the year, and what has really happened? Has my life really changed? Have I grown and become something better?

Ughk to these feelings.

Monday

For tonight's dinner? Stir fry beef and veggies over rice! (this should have been a tweet :( haha )

Really?

Ok, so I know I have subscriptions to 5 different magazines, yet this somehow still surpised me.

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The Coming Plauge

Things I Don't like:

• open toe shoes
• That achey sick feeling
• menstruation
• dingleberries (on my dog, not me)
• Sad love stories without happy endings
• silk
• back aches
• trying to think of things I want for xmas
• Being angry with people
• the inability to cut people I don't like out of my life (hello family.)
• cranky neighbors
• Needing a brake job

Things I DO like:

• The Christmas spirit
• The new month a coming
• Reading about new tropical diseases
• Magazine subscriptions (5 this year!)
• Musicals
• Favorite musicals
• wrapping gifts
• dancing
• singing even though I suck at it
• the spelling of break over brake
• word games
• Comfortable shoes
• My new phone
• My little sister having a phone

None of this was relevant to anything important or interesting.

Ah, the downfall of the internet

Pockets Full of Good Intentions

I don't consider myself a very pessimistic person, although I'm sure that's a highly contestable observation. I know I can be a bit negative in regards to my own abilities, prospects, and circumstances but I feel like when it comes to my views of others, I always expect the best.

It's one of my fatal flaws.

To be really corny, unoriginal, a little stupid, and very "high school" let me quote The Carpenters (I'm on a Carpenters kick right now, you'll have to bear with me through it):

"I know I ask perfection or a quite imperfect world. / And fool enough to think that's what I'll find."

This morning was the kind of morning I love:

The sun is out and bright. The air is fresh. It's a little cold but it's the crisp, refreshing kind.

My semi-boring life:

Things I've done today:

• Luxuriated in the extra hour of daylight savings.
• Brushed almost an entire puppy's worth of hair off the dog.
• Eaten more than my fair share of Reese's Pieces
• Bought 3 cd's and a Carpenter's record (Can I help but love them!?)
• Walked in the rain.
• Driven across the bay bridge and back for absolutely nothing.
• Had a family lunch.
• Told at least a handful of lies about my health.
• Avoided visiting relatives in the hospital. (It's nothing serious, so I don't feel OBLIGATED)
• Acted as an art model
• Fed the dog Reese's Pieces and laughed at her.

And now we're considering selling some video games to buy this dumb Pokemon game I want. haha.

Any suggestions for dinner?

Thursday Morning

This morning I was walking the dog and I realized a small rock had gotten into my shoe. With each step I felt it, I knew it was there, but I kept walking. We walked to the end of the block, crossed the street, and down the next block.

The rock hurt, but just a little. I kept walking. Once I stopped and tried to get it out of my shoe but the dog wanted to keep going forward and I had nothing to lean on. So it stayed.

But this entire 10 or 15 minutes I was walking with this stupid rock in my shoe. I was completely aware of it, it caused me discomfort, and yet I continued going.

I got home, took my shoes off, took a shower, went on with the rest of my day.

And now, almost 3 hours later, that exact spot where the rock was, my foot hurts. It hurts more than when the rock was actually there. Even though the rock is gone, all morning, it's felt as if it were still there.

Lately it feels like

Every morning I'm waking up on the wrong side.
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Pages

I'm on the hunt for new an exciting books to read. I practically gulped down the following in a day or two each:

• Jonathan Safran Foer's Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (A fucking heart breaking book that tore me apart with each and every god forsaken word. In all of the best ways.)
• Kazuo Ishiguro's Remains of the Day
• Ishiguro's Never Let Me Go

I feel like there's one more that I can't seem to remember right now.

Either way, I'm looking for something new and absolutely delicious. Given that I've just finished 3 world shakingly depressing books, I'm looking for something with a somewhat brighter outlook. 

There were a small handful of books that I was really excited to read but I don't quite have the money to buy them (or they're not in the kindle library.)

But! Stay tuned! Danielle and I have a new project underway. I can't wait.

Other things to do:

Actually fill out my GoodReads profile.

SO!! Anyone with book rec's?

24

Birthday Loot:

And some odds and ends: a keychain, a card, an orchid. Dinner with the family. A gift certificate.

It was a good year for gifts.

Seriously.

Is it bad that today I feel like the only thing thats keeping me alive is the prospect of gifts at the end of the week?

Better to have a stupid materialistic excuse to be alive than be dead, I guess.

I'll Cheers to that.

Nights

I just wanted to share that:

1. I have really crazy dreams. You all know that, I'm sure.
2. A recurrent image/scene in my dreams is running through fields and fields of different colored flowers that are separated by fences of barbed wire and other fencing stuff. I'm always running away from something, being chased and I have to get through the fields and find somewhere to hide. It's a breathtakingly beautiful scene, all of these flowers and fences. But I'm running through them and jumping over fences. I wonder if it's a sign or a metaphor for something I don't understand quite yet.
3. Lately there has been someone in my dream, and I'm not sure if this is from a movie or a TV show or a book that has seeped into my dreams (I hope it's from something else and I just don't remember what instead of it just being part of my dream-imagination). But there's someone in my dream that's trying to give me a pep talk. And he's saying, "Do jets fly in the rain?" or "Do jets fly when they're sad?" or "Do jets fly through all sorts of storms?!" Thinking of really ridiculous circumstances that a jet might face. In my dream I give an exasperated yes, or I say I don't know depending on the dream. And this person yells, "HELL YEAH JETS FLY THROUGH THE RAIN!!!!" (or whatever challenge the jet was supposed to have faced.) The point is, Jets do all these crazy things so I need to man up and do whatever needs to get done. This one's meaning is a little less mercurial but much more strange in the landscape of things that happen in my dreams. Where the hell did I get this from? Or how did I think of it? Or what does it really matter? Do jets fly through the rain? I don't know.
4. Last night I dreamnt (dreamnt isn't a word, but it is to me.) about a house that was in construction and like an obstacle course. I kept hitting my head on staircases that were too small to ascend and very poorly placed.

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Emerald City! (View from our hotel room)

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Spinning

When I was 7 in our ballet class we learned something called “spotting.”

All the ballerinas did it, you pick a spot, any spot that will remain your constant. You can’t let go of your spot or else the spinning will catch up with you.

We’d start at one corner of the room, one foot turned out, the other pointed. One arm in second position, the other in first.

You pick your spot and as you turn your body, you keep looking until the very last moment, when you can’t possibly look any longer, and you whip your head around, re-orienting yourself on the same spot. 

We did it slowly at first, gaining in speed. We’d do pique turns or pirouettes across the room. We’d do them in the center, on pointe or demi-pointe. Singles, doubles, some of us even tried triples.

The teacher’s voice would ring in the air, “Spot, Sydney! Spot!”

Everyone else could seem to do it. They could keep focused, they could re-orient themselves, they could go turn after turn towards that same spot, never dizzying, never falling, never letting on that the entire world was whirling around us.

They could go faster and faster. Turns and more turns. 

I’d pick my spot and somehow I couldn’t get my head to turn at just the right moment. Was I doing it wrong? Was this something I would just learn better over time? Was this something I just couldn’t do?

All the other girls twirled and twirled.

 and I did nothing but hit the floor.

I couldn’t stop the world from catching up with me…

The Steps

I'm trying to get my life back on track. I'm ready and raring to go.

A while ago, after I first graduated and as an attempt to soothe my unemployed soul I told myself that I needed to find some sort of meaning or worth in not having a goal.

Because I've always been such a goal-oriented, hard on myself, nothing is good enough, with the blinders on kind of person I was often left with that empty disillusionment of having attained a goal. That feeling of, "I got here... But now what?" I felt like I had to somehow discover something about myself beyond that. Beyond the goal.

I've struggled all of these months to find something, anything different. To make me feel like I had "found myself."


I'm considering it an experiment failed.

Things I'm No Good At:

• Being patient
• Sound financial planning
• Maintaining a clean apartment
• Pretending like I'm not crazy about my own birthday like a vain, self-absorbed child
• Figuring out what to get other people for their birthdays
• and getting through a full work week without some sort of physical malady.

A Rose By Any Other Name

I don't know when everyone got the habit of calling my by my first and last name. Everyone does it, people from high school, best friends, even my sister. My sister has the same last name, by the way. I don't know when it started, not that I'm really intent on stopping it or anything.

BFF

It's a little known fact outside of my small personal circle that one of my best friends is my little sister. It sounds a little corny, but it's true.

And because I've always had a good older sister I always hated, growing up, seeing my friends be bad older sisters to their younger sisters.

I admit that Em and I went through a period of not being very close, but I blame it on my selfish, semi-rebellious, and self-absorbed teen years and her inaccessibility given that she was a baby and hadn't yet mastered the English language.

But once we snapped out of that, we've done everything from museum/zoo trips, to pen pals when I lived away from home, MISadventures, and you're general hanging out.

I'm not very good with kids and I don't think I ever will be. And I don't think we click the same way she can click with other semi-adults. Like my cousin who loves kids and kids love her. But we both try, and I think that's the most important part.

As an older sister, I feel like it's my responsibility to show her how to be responsible and to make the right decisions all while making sure she doesn't feel lonely, or too much like a kid, or put down on.

I keep a running list of things I should slip into conversation with.

Actually written down on a post-it as of a couple days ago and staring at me in the face currently:

• Independent Thinking
• Personal Development
• And, a Woman's position as an independent.

 When's the last time you were challenged to actually think about these things and iterate relatively complete and coherent thoughts on it? It's harder said than done and much harding to casually slip into conversations without sounding too preachy.

But it's important.

This Night

Sometimes my life is rolling ball of shit. I'm stressed, I'm depressed, I'm hopeless and downtrodden. I often feel like my very soul is crushed.

And then I remember that's just my work life and things exist outside of it.

I go home and I remember that some moments are absolutely perfect. Incandescent.

Making dinner together, dancing, laughing, the dog looking at us like we're crazy. I don't need anything else. Delicious love.

I don't need any more friends, I don't need to worry about what bank records need what, or even what's going to happen tomorrow.

I just need to breathe and be happy.

Lost day

It's strange how a crisis can make you completely re-evaluate the meanings of things in your life.

I'm torn between this instinctive urge to protect myself and ensure I'm not vulnerable and.....

Being alone in my protection.

Night Fight

I know I never post about anything interesting other than my dreams, and I’ve been trying to get back to posting more (for my like 2 or 3 readers). I’ll get around to it eventually. In the mean time:

Last night I had a very vivid dream.

Buildings in the Sun

Lately I’ve been pretty stressed out at work. I feel like I have so much to do and so much pent up energy set on getting it done, yet somehow I can’t focus, I can’t focus on actually getting anything done. So the work piles up and I’m sitting in my chair, my body unable to keep still for even just a moment without a tremendous amount of effort. I get more and more worked up each day. I let myself down more and more each day.

And it’s no secret that I absolutely hate the city where I work. It’s nothing but fog and dreariness and ugliness and just your general soul-crushing mediocre completely uninspiring kind of place.

And not that I know the whole city well, but I usually get stuck in the same circles: to the bank, back from the bank, to the post office, back from the post office, to the office supply store, back from the office supply store, to Starbucks, to lunch spots, (to the hospital), and back again. It really doesn’t help with all that ugly soul crushing feelings. But I’ve worn these paths down and there’s little wilderness left.

But sometimes I’ll be sent somewhere absolutely new.

For instance last week, I went to get lunch from somewhere I’ve never been before. It was a lot of the same thing: slummy looking, fog covered, grime, and some people waiting for a bus. I double parked, ran in, paid, arranged the three bags to prevent spillage, and headed back. And somehow, on the hillside I would consider totally familiar, with the sun shining just so, I saw a relatively pretty building that I hadn’t ever seen before. It was modern-ish and had a different look than the buildings that are usually here. It wasn’t some GEM of architectural masterpiece but it was different and it was new. With the way the sun was shining it was almost pretty.

Which I’m going to take as a lesson in perspective.

It’s something I have trouble keeping sometimes.

I know I always start my blogs as if what I'm about to say is a new realization or sudden understanding or a secret that I'm letting you in on.

But hey, it's a blog. Isn't everything on a blog going to be an admission of some sort.

Crazy Hair Thursday

I have a long list of bad habits that I'm constantly aware of that I have. Sometimes I'm attacked by a crippling self-hatred. I figure it's just part of life sometimes.

If I could magically turn into someone else, I feel bad to say it, but,

I would in a heartbeat.

I admit it

Sometimes I can only look at one thing at a time...

Happy Birthday Barack Obama!

I got this present for you, but decided you probably didn't want it and I'll do you the favor of holding onto it for you.

Penelope

This might sound a little silly but there are quite sincerely few things I love more than my dog.

Stuck

This will come as no surprise but, I feel as if I live and am sometimes stuck in a crazy dream world.

Every night, often times 2 or 3 times a night, I have long, intense, vivid dreams. Almost all details are clear and nothing makes sense.

I usually wake up feeling drained, tired, anxious, or even afraid. Sorry for what's gone on or angry.

My dreams too often translate to real life. Where I'm walking as if in some sort of haze and the only thing I can think about are the impossible happenings of my sleep.

I have dark circles under my eyes and all of my rest isn't restful.

Last night I had a dream that all my older siblings were tiny little kids (the way I see them in really old pictures) being beaten by my father (keeping in mind that my dad has never even been close to abusive in any way) and I was the only adult, begging and crying to try and save them and stop him from beating them. I had another dream that I was trying to sew this scary scarecrow while a teacher yelled in the background and somehow, the fate of my family depending on the completion of it.

The other day I had a dream that I was stabbing a man to death with a reed like big piece of grass after accidentally killing a man with icicles.

I either need to stop watching crime shows, stop reading the news, stop taking my hive meds, or just take a chill pill.

It's bubbles under the sea....

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Living in a Dream World

Since I am a person of constant vivid dreams I'm always searching for some sort of meaning or understanding of them in my waking life. Often, if the emotions are strong enough I won't be able to shake them for days.

My dream less strong emotion and more really strong images. So I figured I'd show everyone what google-ed dream dictionaries show my dreams to mean.

The Bereaved

I feel like I exist in this completely warped and separate world.

Islands of Despair

Isolated, in silence, each island lets the waves lap along it's shore. Small waves of wetness. Of sorrow. Of hushed sobs and sighs.

There is nothing original or appropriate or helpful to say in the face of grief. In the midst of grieving.

How does the sun turn in this small sea when so many storms have come to force?

In the world that I'm used to, the land where I was raised, noise could block out the feelings we were and were not feeling. As a child we were never expected to understand black clothes and funeral parlors. Children are the only reprieve from death.

I thought that we were done with this. Done with tragedy. Done with crisis. Done with long nights and long nights and longer days. It is summer, isn't it?

Has it been a year? Has it been two? It hasn't stopped pouring. Was I wrong to hope for even just a handful of months or a year to just rest? Rest our hearts. Rest our souls. It's been nothing but hospital beds and hospital beds and black mourning clothes and flower arrangements and cemetery grass and all these awkward, swollen, silences where I can't think of even just one word to say.

Even just one word as a boat, a raft, a signal fire in the darkness. Just one word to bridge the great expanse across this table, these chairs, this room full of so much grief, this indefinite space betweens these islands of despair.

Misery is a funny thing...

Enclosed

Sometimes I feel like I live in just... An ugly world.

Everything is grey and cemeteries and ugly building, and claustrophobic cubicles. My every day is fog and banks and drab ugly parking lots and completely lifeless, colorless, bland buildings.

I feel like I exist in a place where there's no beauty.

The Week

I originally intended to write about how excited I am for film development and self processing.

Last night I processed my first roll of film (chemicals and pitch black claustrophobic room and all!) It was terribly exciting and all morning long it's been the only thing I could think of.

It feel goood.

My own personal little pharmacy

If I don't have this with me at any given moment I'm probably a little stressed and anxious.

I have:

Zyrtec (cetirizine) : my H1 blocker
Zantac (ranitidine) : my H2 blocker (normal people take this one for stomach problems. )
Singulair (Montelukast) : my leukotriene blocker (normal people use this for asthma)
And a couple of Tylenol cause I've been getting a lot of headaches lately.

I've also been on: claritin, allegra, and pepcid. All for my hives. So far this seems to be the best combo of meds, although I admit I double up on the zyrtec occassionally.
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Jitters

I could be wrong, but I suspect that I react to "First Day of School" with a little more anxiety than the normal person.

On the Horizon

I'm working on a couple of new projects. Stay tuned.

In the mean time, I keep forgetting to post about my weekends. (for those of you that are interested)

I'm a Girl of Obsessions

Things that I'm constantly obsessed with, talking about, or grossing other people out with:

• Really horribly gruesome murder, rape, kidnap, or attack stories. This also includes drugs gone awry and devolved into the murder, rape, kidnap or attacks.
• Strange illnesses or life threatening conditions. This includes brain worms, pretty much any parasite, or really rare and debilitating diseases.
• Dogs, puppies, and determining their breeds. I'm actually pretty good at it.
• Cameras, buying cameras, and my unending needing for film monies.
• Musicals of most types but not musicals or all types.
• Odd history factoids. I have this bad habit of being kind of schools-y. I constantly want to talk about useless school like useless knowledge that no one cares about. When people embrace this part of me, I know we're friends.When people make me feel strange, awkward, and nerdy for this.... I feel strange, awkward and nerdy.

And that's pretty much just it!

Wedding Rambles

It comes as no surprise to those of you that know me and those of you that read this blog that I've been pretty wedding obsessed almost my whole life.

I wasn't the kind of girl that married her barbies or made her teddy bears date. I was never boy crazy. Come middle school all my friends had crushes or boyfriend or broken hearts. Most of the time I lied and said I liked someone just to say it. I knew deep down that it was no crush. That I was faking it.

I even went through a phase insisting that I was an independant. That I'd never get married. That I'd never relinquish my modern day womanly rights for something so silly as a marriage.

And then I fell in love.

Monday Morning

Strawberry cupcake from San Francisco's best That Takes The Cake, light on the frosting -- breakfast of champions.
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Shop Shop Shop

Last night, after bit of didn't-get-to-go-shopping blues, I satiated my need for some retail therapy via internet sales.

How Do I Think I Got Here?

Science.

A conversation that will forever haunt me is when I told my parents for the first time that I don't believe in god.

They had previously thought I just didn't like going to church and didn't ascribe to their direct religion.

For those of you that don't know my parents, they're pretty devout catholics. I wouldn't call them hardcore in that they believe hardcore. They're no Born-Agains or Mormons or.... whatever else. But they do go to church every Sunday. My mom used to cook dinner for the priests like a favor to god. I think they were born into it and they just never bothered to question it. They're devoted. I think that's a good way to describe them.

I think they expected me to be the same way? Because I don't live the law-less, wild, and horribly god-less life like my brothers and because I don't preach around disrespecting god and calling religion stupid like most atheists, they just assumed I was like them. God-fearing.

So, as an act of anger, frustration, rebellion (just a little), and honest to god (haha) truth, I told them: I am an adult now. And I'm not going to church with you anymore. Not even holidays.

You see, as soon as I was old enough I stopped going with them every Sunday. I'd sleep in and absolutely love it. As I got into my teenage years they could begrudgingly drag me to Christmas, Easter, mother and fathers day, their birthdays, and a couple other random holidays here and there. The priest would call it being a CEO. Christmas Easter Only. I did it because it made them happier.

So, back to the story, I tell my mom I'm not going to church and she says, "But you still believe in god, right?" And it was posed as if it could only be positive. As if she were asking me, "You're still my daughter, right?" or "You still breathe, right?" or "You're still a human being and not some horrible monster....... right?"

When I said no it was like a small bomb exploded in their heads.

In unison my little bible-thumping little sister and father exclaimed, "How do you think you got here?!" No, wait, it was probably more like, "HOW DO YOU THINK YOU GOT HERE?!!!"

My dad roared from across the room, "SCIENCE?!?!?"

And then it was like a small bomb exploded in my head.

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury

I like to entertain myself by taking those REALLY horrible MySpace-esque surveys. Really, I do. There's nothing I love more in the world.

But they're a little out-dated.

I also love to entertain the thought that I will one day be on the jury of a high profile crime case. Something about a murder or better yet, serial murdering.

Imagine my excitement when I see on The SFist a list of questions they're asking potential jurors for the BART killing trial. (In case you want to know the whole story it's here. )

I couldn't be happier.

Civic Duty

Usually I make the half hour trek to my parents house out in El Granada to vote every voting type day because:

1) I'm too lazy too re-register where I live now given that I may not be living there much longer.

And

2) I like having the full voting experience with old people, electronic voting machines vs. Fill in the line ballots, and stickers. It's like reading a book. It's more than just the words: it's the turning of the physical page, the smell of the book, the feeling of accomplishment to put each page behind you.

But this year I've gotten busy. I even missed the last voting day! I know it was one of those local measures sort of thing, but it's still the first time since I've turned 18.

So, I've decided to register to absentee vote.

Just for this one time.
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Material Monday

Maybe I talk about material things too often, I'll call it a bad habit.

It's because my brain is only ever filled with the following things: fighting off depression, fighting off the feelings of a relatively mediocre so far life, worry about various relatives in the hospital or distant but still present family friend deaths (or the effects of both on those that are closer to me), being ridiculously in love or ridiculously irritated at love, small bickerances with friends and shopping. Seriously.

If I only ever talked about the other stuff can you imagine what a downer reading and writing this blog would be? It's a bit of a downer as it is, but we can't very well make wine from water, now can we?

Plus, I'm a girl in my early 20's whose found love, lives on a moderate income, and has spent the earlier half of the past decade worrying about things from global warming to the military industrial complex to proper birth control. I shouldn't have to feel guilty about being a little materialistic.

Saturday Morning

Ok, it isn't morning.

But I have the best boyfriend ever.

He makes me jam sandwiches even when I look like crumb.

the end.

Tomorrow Morning

I'm so excited and happy I could dance.

Instead I'll type excited like this:

aljkerlakjlvkjalktrjal;wkejfl;aksdjflakjrtlkajfkl;ajdljakjerejieruoiawuenckeahfkj.

seriously.

Perspective

I have a hard time talking about these sort of things.

Talking about dreams and goals and my aspirations makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. Like just to speak it aloud to one person opens me up to the whole world for judgement. Currently I'm in the state that just one mal-judgement or unkind word could squash me forever. I'm fragile.

That being said, while browsing quotes I've run into this:

"It's never too late to be what you might have been"
- George Elliot

(Picture by me)


I'm trying to apply this to my frame of mind, my daily life, and my very soul. I whisper it inside of myself to remember.

I can't function half blind.

Sometimes at the end of the day it feels so damn good to take my glasses off.

Maybe that's just a really bad metaphor about the weight and burden of needing to see the world.

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Just another Monday...

with a sudden craving ignited by the internet and fueled by my menstruation adam and I jetted off to the city for some cupcakes!!

Two closed cupcake places later and a 10 min. Drive later we settled on the most delicious panaderia.
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Is it my birthday yet?

People talk about being "good with money" all the time like it's some sort of olympic sport.

I accept that it's a different kind of talent that I just don't have.

The Things We Carry

Usually when I bake, cook, or hardcore clean I take off my engagement ring to save it from getting stained, besmirched, or be-yuckied. I keep it in my little goose measuring cup.

Temper Temper

Last night / this morning I had a dream I was burning to death.

Seriously.

What more could I want?

The sun isn't even fully set and it's 8pm.

Summer has officially arrived and I couldn't be more excited.
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Shoes and Jumping

OK.

So as I'm sure you all know my blog entries are almost always too long. I start with a point and then I just ramble ramble ramble off until all hope is lost of ever being found.

Well, you'll be happy to learn that I just figured out how to insert a jump. SO, interested in reading about my bad ass (and occassionally just bad) blogging skills? Then read on after the jump!

The Lack of Accountability

My Mother's day turned into a kind of total flop. I know, contradiction to be "totally" and "kind of" but how else do I say it?

I'm not meaning to be dramatic. I know it sounds that way. It really isn't a dramatic big deal. It's just a conversation starter.

But anyways, my house is a freaking mess. It's all I ever complain about because it truly is perpetually messy.

Here's how my day went:

• Woke up late. Contacts too dry. Lounged around till far too late.
• Had a relatively mediocre boring lunch.
• Went to the flower shop to check out the completely stripped selection of lame flowers. Bought varied bunches and made my own cool bouquets.
• Rushed over to catch my mom and give her her flowers. I saw her a total of 2 minutes and she was not happy about it. At. All. (Not that my bouquet was a flop. She liked the flowers it's just that she was being dramatic and is currently hating life.)
• Dejectedly wasted time at Quickly, Staples, various phone stores, and a couple of stores.
• Thai food for dinner - relatively normal boring Thai food.
• Home for a 7 person rock band session (in turns). I tried to sing and I think I strained my (still healing) voice. I lost it a little bit again. Damn me, I'm sick of being sick. I think if I'm not a little better tomorrow I'll FINALLY make a doctor's appointment. Everyone wants to yell at me to go to the doctor but it's easier said than done when A) you don't have insurance B) are living paycheck to paycheck and don't have ANY money to put into your savings account that's been titled and reserved for the wedding of your dreams and is practically empty and C) you google all of your symptoms and everything points to Laryngitis which according to the internet is just treated with home rest.
• Anonymous neighbor note on our door that pissed me off. It's not that it was an unreasonable request (to "limit our steps" after 10pm). It's that: 1) we were obviously home 2) if they had knocked I would have explained that the dog does zoomies uncontrollably and we have more guests over on a Sunday night than usual because my military cousin is in town for only 4 days until who knows when. I would have apologized and promised to really try and control the dog in the future. And 3) the note wasn't signed, no number was left, it was typed as if to disguise handwriting, nothing to set them apart. Anonymity is a mask for cowards to avoid accountability. 

Plenty of people put up with plenty of flack from neighbors, everything from sex noises to dog barking to shootings and attempt to vent in private and not intrude on another's sovereignty. But they couldn't just keep it to themselves? Am I being crazy? 

Another neighbor asked us previously not to have the dog pee on the grass. To our face. We apologized, said ok, and I never never never let her pee on the grass. I even walk by the stupid little alleyway where there's a bird's nest that protectively flies over me, scaring the shit out of me, every day just so the dog won't pee on the grass. Sure, I secretly mocked the neighbor for a little bit in private and tried to avoid running into her because I was scared I'd get in trouble again. But she talked to us herself, she asked nicely, we responded nicely, we avoided bothering each other again, problem solved.

Do I leave anonymous notes on other neighbor's doors asking for them to please shut their CONSTANTLY whining kid up? Or to stop having sex in the late morning because it interupts when I want to sleep in and be late for work or occassionaly in the afternoons? Noooooo. Maybe I should.

I think I am being crazy and possibly non-sensical. I'm still sick and I'm exhausted.

Lately I've been getting this strange feeling. As if I'm losing my place in space. You know when you're reading a book, you daze out a little, realize you're really just looking at letters? And then you try to half-heartedly, while still in a daze, try to find where you left off? It's as if you're just making circles in the letters and words and spaces between them. I feel that way in space.

I blink too long or close my eyes or daze out a little and for a brief second it's like i'm spinning. I don't know if my feet are on the ground and if up is up and down is down. I'm spinning. It's like a dizzy feeling in the back of my mind. Like suddenly I'm just floating. This is turning out be more difficult to explain than I anticipated. It's like a form of free-falling without the feeling of the wind pushing against you. It's a weightless sort of feeling. Like if you don't grab hold the whole world will evaporate. I have to constantly hold onto things like walls or desks as if to tell my body, "You are right here. You are on the ground. You will not float away. This is where you are." It's a mild sort of vertigo.

I used to get this feeling when I was really tired. When I'd go to sleep at 4 or 5 in the morning only to wake up at 7 and have to function in the world. That stage of tired right before anxiety steps in (I get a lot of anxiety attacks when I'm not sleeping well). But lately it hasn't been dependant on my tired level. I could be perfectly awake when suddenly I lose my place. Lose my space.

It could be another form of my same old vertigo. I usually get it when I'm PMSing. But for me, vetigo is more when suddenly the room slams. It's a visual thing. It's like the room just drops. It's like a super high power dizzy. Sometimes it literally make me fall over. It's as if I'm in a snow globe and someone just turned it completely and physically on it's side. Instead of being a peice of slow-floating glitter or gold foil flake I am a rock. I have all the weight of gravity upon me. It sounds pretty crazy but my sister and my mom both get it and it only ever comes around my period. Periods can do funny things to a girl.

If Andrea reads this she's going to insist that I go to an ENT again, to which I'll refer her to bullet point number seven.

I'm rambling because I'm tired. I guess it's time to go to sleep.

Hope everyone had a better Mother's Day than I. Especially actual mothers.

Busy, Busy

I'm a bad blogger. I never blog consistently and even when I do it's just a bunch of garbage. Garbage, garbage.

To fill the empty space I attempted to do this long ass survey in the style of circa 2007 MySpace. It was vyer long. I do the entire thing and then realize it was much lamer than I had anticipated. I deleted it and here's what has resulted:

In case anyone is interested and hasn't talked to me lately here's what's going on with me:

• I've had Laryngitis for over a week now. It was one of the longest lasting, slowest healing sicknesses I've had. It's mostly just really irritating to be sick day in and day out. But yesterday I actually had a decent amount of energy for most of the day so, I think I'm officially getting better. I should be over it in a day or two.
• My cousin just had brain surgery to remove a pretty large brain tumor. As much as I complain about my family and as distant as I often feel, they are still my family. And one good thing about such a large familial network is the way we can rally at times of crisis. Everyone has been at the hospital pretty much every day he's been there. That means anywhere between 10 - 30 people at all times, whether he's awake to realize or not. Everyone takes turns bringing dinner and snacks for everyone in the waiting room. Everyone is there after work, constantly calling. It's a big thing and to be honest, it makes me proud to be apart of my family. (But don't tell anyone I said that! I'm not usually so sweet. I have a reputation to uphold!)
• Last weekend, Adam and I trekked ALL the way to Guerneville to check out a possible wedding location. It was really beautiful and it looked like a lot of fun, but I'm not sold on it quite yet. Wedding planning so far has been a slow process but location is one of the most important factors for us. Overall for the weekend we drove over 375 miles or something like that. It was exhausting (especially while sick!)

Here's a picture of the place we looked at.

• This weekend we're going to Sacramento because Adam's little niece chose us as her godparents for her first communion. Me? A Godparent? But she chose me and what am I gonna do? Say no? It's cute either way, and all we really have to do is get her extra presents. It makes me feel special, they like me. haha.

And that's about all, I guess.

Oh, and any feedback on the new layout? I'm loving Blogger's new template designer.

Sick Sickly

I have a temperature of 100+ and all I'm feeling is the burning of my eyes.

I'm so groggy that I can barely spell. I'm sounding out all the words. (but maybe I'm always like that and I don't realize).

I feel like shit but I'm too sick to fall asleep. I hope my nyquil kicks in.

Spring Cleaning

For those of you in the know, you would know that I live in what I call, "a constant state of squalor." This is perhaps a little melodramatic, but, as you all know, I am relatively melodramatic.

But I'm just a bad cleaner. There's no ifs. ands, or buts about it. I'm no good. Try as I might, I stop trying and return to my normal bad self. To have things so messy makes me feel somewhat immature, as if it's a sign of my life falling apart. If I were really "together" then my shit would be organized, simple as that.

But, for the past couple of weeks I have subjected poor Adam (and myself, of course, but I chose this therefore I am the subjector and he is the subjectED) to a good bout of SPRING CLEANING!

Before we left for Madrid I pretty much tore the house apart! I dumped out the contents of at least 4 purses (this is strange, I understand, to have not only so many purses but so many purses filled with so many things, and all at the same time. But that will have to be another entry cause I'm rather long-winded on the subject). I did about 4 loads of laundry and threw everything on the couch. I went through pretty much everything in the apartment evaluating it's travelling value. (Is this worth the bulk in my bag? Will I REALLY need it? Will I really use it?) And finally I finished packing a mere 2 minutes before the taxi got to our house.

We got home and... Well, unsprisingly enough, all of my mess had been waiting for me that entire time. (don't worry we threw away any and all perishables or possible stinkies. It was clean mess).

But I was tired. I blamed jet lag. The day after we got back I had to go to work. Adam was SUPER inundated with homework and midterms. I had a serious set of post-vacation blues. I continued to live out of my luggage for at least 2 weeks after we got back (So I'm an over packer AND I bought a lot of clothes while there, sue me.)

So for a month our mess grew and grew. Old mess, new mess, inbetween mess. We would try to tidy here and there but tidying isn't enough when you're facing the Mount Kilamanjaro of Messes.

We hit rock bottom. There was no longer any place for walking, sitting, living, or dying.

The light of a civilized, mature, together, and sanitary young girl clicked on.

"It is time for Spring Cleaning," I declared!

We have since cleaned absolutely everything. I finally put the luggage away, I recloseted my purses, my shoes are all in the closet. We cleaned the bathroom! We cleaned the kitchen! We even had the carpets shampooed!

Anyways, the point of this entirely too long entry is that as part of Spring Cleaning we finally took a stand, put our foot down, and demanded the leak be fixed. So now, our window no longer leaks!!

I'm very excited for the lack of squalor. All that's left is to frame and hang our pictures (so it looks more lived in, decorated, and awesome), decorate just a little, organize the bookshelves, scrub the fridge for invisible germs, finally paint the bedroom (We've had the paint and equipment all this time, I was just waiting for the window to be fixed), oh, and clean my car.

Next up? Baking night tonight con platanos. Pictures and recipes to come.

This just came in the mail!

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Contagion

I'm pretty sure I'm going a little crazy. I don't know if I'm freaking out. Am I freaking out?

Is this the way I eract to so many people getting sick and dying?

CAuse yesterday I was completely freaked out that there was something wrong with ME (unresolved. depends on today's happenings whether or not I make a doctor's appt or if yesterday was just me being crazy.)

Today I'm convinced that there's somethign wrong with Penelope. I mean, I'm always mother hen, over protective mother over her but I'm usually right (how many UTI's has she REALLY had?!) and I just don't know what to do.

I feel scattered. worried.

But at the same time I feel irrational. Like I'm really being crazy. That yesterday was perfectly fine. and the dog is perfectly fine. and everything is normal and I'm blowing everything out of proportion cause everyone else is getting sick, I'm projecting problems onto myself (and the dog).




ughk. I'm so neurotic.

To take a popular trend from Tumblr and indulge my vanity here's a GPOYW: the Monday Edition.

We've finally cleaned our house, put all my clean clothes away folded, and I'm free to lounge around guilt-free. A quick note in my new journal and I just turned on "The Hand that Rocks the Cradle," hopefully I won't chicken out and turn it off midway.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

I easily see that I have lived a very blessed life.

It wasn't till I was 14 that I even knew anyone that had died and even now, to this day, I have never had to feel any horrible, terrible loss.

I have lived a sheltered and what some might call a perfect life. I have been protected from some of the greater injustices or violences or even just simple losses.

My mother and father are still married, alive, and healthy. All of my siblings, while some were reckless in their younger years, are equally alive and healthy. I've even been dating my first love since, well, since the beginning. The heartbreak I have experienced has been different. Because instead of being tempered by time, acceptance, and moving forward it was, while at times intense and I don't doubt that it was real, it was relatively short lived, it was still within my grasp and slight control, and instead of being weathered through and dissappeared it was healed.

So far, the sound of this seems like there will be a "but" but there is not "but."

I have existed so far in my life in some beautiful bubble. There have been scares and worried but nothing so much as to change my life or truly affect me or even to slightly affect me.

I don't want that to change. I don't want that to change ever.

And with things going the way they are, with mortality ever pending and change ever looming, I feel this stressing need to face it. Face that there could be hurt in ways I have yet to experience. I'm scared.

Plenty of people face plenty of hard things every day. But I have not. I completely understand that my existance has met practically no adversity.

What if I'm not strong enough? If I'm too weak? What if I cannot rise to the occassion? What if I just can't do it? What if I can't do it?

So many times people have met negative situations with grace and kept something vital within themselves alive and well. What If I cannot do this?

Sometimes it feels like the whole world is tumbling down and the debris is finally threatening to fall upon me as well, to break me from this protection, and I'm here, waiting, anxious and afraid, looking up bricks and bodies and hopes and dream fall down around me, saying over and over, "Please not this time. Please do not let this fall upon me. Please not this time."

This just in:

And it totally made my day!
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Broke Broke Broken

It would be just my fucking luck to find a working polaroid camera in the absolutely looks awesome edition for 5 dirt cheap dollars at the flea market like an angel from heaven lighting up the sky with golden clouds and harps

AND

for them to start ACTUALLY retailing the film again after what feels like YEARS of nonproduction and trolling eBay to watch the bids go higher and higher into fucking obscurity

AND

for me to actually be able to get film at a relatively decent price in perfect condition with THE most beautiful swoon inducing boner giving boxes

AND

to use one pack which is a MEASLY 8 pictures to discover that I absolutely full heartedly and quite sincerely LOVE. AND I MEAN LOVE the pictures

ONLY TO FUCKING JAM IT AND EFFECTIVELY BREAK IT.

I'm obviously very upset over this.

How?

The question I'm left with, now that I have finally begun what might actually be considered wedding planning, is how do I begin to know where to start and/or how to choose?

While I have these sorts of thoughts about all sorts of things (invitations, ribbons, flowers, colors) I'm going to talk about the impending D.

The Dress.

My earliest memories of planning out my wedding dress are from 7th grade. I was like 11. It probably started earlier than that though.

I would walk to and from science class with my friend Logan probably ENDLESSLY boring him with talk of bell sleeves and velvet (I know, right, wtf?!). I even remember the feeling of being in a school hallway, everyone pushing past us, and holding out one arm, with the other brushing it along in that entirely feminine and girly way to signify how I wanted the sleeves to fall.

In my disgustingly ugly taste I probably wanted something that looked like this:

From there my tastes changed (thank god). I went through a Sailor Moon lookalike phase where I swore I wanted my dress to look like this:

I even remember drawing sketches my freshman year of high school to put into my binder. I won't even consider embaressing myself and putting the scans up.

And as I grew up I even started opposing the idea of marriage. I still wanted a dress.

I'd secretly buy wedding magazines and pull pages of dresses I liked. My dream dress is still this multi-layered tulle with assymetrical roses on the skirt ball gown. I'd never wear it but I'll never stop loving it. It was quite honestly my first love of an actual dress. It used to make my heart race.

So here I am. A girl that's whole-heartedly getting married with an approximately medium sized budget considering what to wear to my own wedding.

Now that push has come to shove I'm at a complete loss.

People buy several homes in a lifetime, several cars in a lifetime, more pairs of shoes than most can probably even count, but some people will only ever buy one wedding dress. And for those that aren't true believers in the marriage forever concept you can't very well argue that there will only ever be one first wedding. One first dress for one first wedding. I imagine it to be like a drug high, there's never any as good as the first. Or sex, as bumbling, embaressing, or horrible it is, the memory of your first time having sex will always be there.

One wedding dress.

One wedding dress on a moderate budget.

One wedding dress on a moderate budget that will satisfy over two decades of dreaming and fantasizing.

And I guess you can argue that it doesn't REALLY matter, and I see that it doesn't. I would happily agree to wearing a pantsuit or potato sack if it was the only way I could marry Adam. I know that Love is the most important aspect and the exciting prospect of spending the rest of my life with him. Really, I completely understand that. But... I mean... I only get to do this once. I don't think I'm being unreasonable.

There's advice everywhere for "brides on a budget" that they are their groom should make a list of things that are most important to them for teh wedding so that way, as long as the top of the list is attended to, they won't feel like they're falling short. Or it isn't everything of their dreams. I'm a list maker, I practically did this before happening upon the advice. For me, in the scope of my whole life, the things that are and have always been most important to me about a wedding are:

1. The groom. He had to be my prince-charming, Mr. Darcy, Mr. SecretAgentMan, and so much more all tied into one.
2. The dress. Ah, the dress.
3. My family (my immediate, special, actually liked part of my family) being there with me, just as happy as me, just as happy for me, and beaming.

So, to sum up everything I've just said:

My dress is important. So how do I go about making such a big deciscion? I can't very well only be partially satisfied.

How do I find the dress of my dreams? Will I know the moment I put it on? Will it hit me suddenly and magnificently? Will it be a slow realization of a growing love and adoration?

I don't doubt that most dresses I try on will be beautiful, but will they be special enough? Will they be captivating? How do I finally commit, make the big jump, and after waiting and planning and hoping for so long pick just one dress?

Finding someone to marry may seem difficult enough but hell, there's all that time dating before hand. Dating is (obviously) like a marriage test-run. If they're no good you dump them, you find someone new and better and just a little more perfect. The same thing goes for homes and car and bad outfits. You have time to feel it out.

This dress? It's a move it or lose it type of deal. You get one shot. You don't have marriage test runs or dress rehearsals.

You have The Day, you have The Aisle, you have The One waiting there for you, seeing you for the first time in all of your weding day regalia. So picking and choosing The Dress is no small deal. I feel like on my wedding day I want to look like what I would look like in Perfect World.

How?

Should have stayed for the sunset

As a break from my Spain trip vacation pictures -athon that I'm sure is boring you mindless (I didn't post Barcelona/the end of my trip last night because I was too lazy)

I wanted to say that I've never been a Pearl Jam kind of person. In fact, I'm not sure if I've heard or even LISTENED to many Pearl Jam songs at all

but for some reason

something inside of me has always responded to:

I waited all day.
you waited all day
 but you left before sunset
and I just wanted to tell you the moment was beautiful.
Just wanted to dance to bad music
drive bad cars
watch bad TV
should have stayed for the sunset...

if not for me.

Sometimes I want to get into trouble. Sometimes I want to be bad. Sometimes there's something inside of me begging to be let go.

Cause I'm wild.

The Zoo!!!!

Our second to last day we finally made it out to the zoo!

Now, I like zoos. Adam and I are avid zoo go-ers. But this? This was special.

And not just because non-american zoos let you get REALLY close to the animals. Because they do. There are signs everywhere telling you not to feed the animals they're so close you actually COULD! I, who has a weak arm and has never played any athletic sport, could EASILY throw a rock at something as dangerous as a bear!!!! That fact alone is pretty awesome. But it gets better.

and it doesn't get better JUST because it's a zoo AND huge aquarium AND has dolphin shows AND has over 20 bears.

This zoo, the madrid zoo..... are you ready?

Are you really ready?

because, get this, the madrid zoo has PANDAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

panda, panda, PANDAS.


Yeah, you better freaking believe it. I could barely breathe with excitement.

I've SEEN the pandas once before at the sane deigo zoo. but this was NOTHING like that.

That was like seeing a celebrity at a concert in a pack of photographers.

This? This was an intimate night out with just the pandas, adam, and I eating dinner, sipping wine, and discussing life. This was the pandas and I hanging out on our own terms having a great time just getting to know each other.

Call me a crazy stalker that creates an imaginary love affair between myself and the victim, I don't care. We love each other and there's nothing anyone can say to convince me otherwise.

Oh, and I saw some other animals. whatever.

If I had a dollar for every picture I took of those pandas I'd probably be a millionaire.

Segovia

On Wednesday we took the Renfe train out to Segovia. We debated between segovia and Toledo for a little while. While I really liked that Segovia is apparently a perfect example of Castillan Spain, I was a little more drawn into the fact that Toledo was famous for it's historical peaceful existance between Castillan (and catholic), Jewish, and Muslim people. I learned a lot about the three communities interactions in more ancient days. But, we finally made our deciscion when reading that the castle was possibly inspiration for Walt Disney's castle in Disneyland. I know, an educated and diplomatic choice.

Here we are in the train on our way.

 

We also chose Segovia because it listed a more things to be seen. Here is the Roman Aquaduct. It was resurrected in the first centruy AD and still stands strong and tall. It was beyond impressive. Epic, to say the least. Awe-inspiring.

The town was small and picturesque. It reminded me of the Beauty and the Beast where everyone opens their windows to sing together the same song every day. While walking through we would see old people greeting each other in front of bakeries and cafes as if everyone knew everyone. It was cute.

Here I am walking up to the Alcazar (Castle).

This is a picture of the cathedral.

We toured inside the Alcazar (even taking the audio tour with these funny phone looking things) and clumbed up it's tower. I didn't take any pictures of the outside of the Alcazar (that was Adam's job) but here we are after climbing the 156 steep ass stairs to the top of the tower. Segovia is in the background.

Here's Adam inside the castle listening to his audio tour guide.

While in Spain we saw a lot of medieval armor and weapons. Of course my favorites were the filigree-ed swords.

Segovia is famous for it's roast suckling pig. So after the cathedral and alcazar we found a restaurant open to give it a try.

It was melt in your mouth delicious. Adam looked like he was going to cry eating it. Call us cruel for rejoicing in eating child-animals but it was pretty good.

Segovia was very beautiful. A perfect european town.

Our last picture in Segovia before catching the bus to the train station and then taking the train back into Madrid.