Revealed

http://itexplodes.blogspot.com/2007/01/post-my-secret.html

Have we refused Loud enough?

I'm not always sure exactly what's gone on. I don't know the difference between real reasons and personal justifications. I don't really understand the power of self denial. What do we do with the secrets we're too ashamed to admit to even our closest friends? With secrets we barely want to admit to ourselves?

And when we're forced to how do we deal with the weight of the burden hanging from our necks?

What's the difference between things that should never have happened and things we're merely ashamed of? How do we know if we allow things to happen or if they're simply our fault?

The realization and discovery of old mistakes stands much closer to our backs than we see.

Who is to be held accountable for the irreprable damages of a year ago?

Who is responsible for the shame?

Velvety Fur

Dream:

Like watching a movie I went through the pains of birth. Quick screaming montage with sweaty hair, hand squeezing, and screaming. And then I brought a life into the world.

It was nameless. Simply, My Baby. And I knew I had never loved anything more.

My baby was a bunny. a very large bunny. And I held it in my arms just as anyone would do to their baby. It was grey and white. with big ears and a cute dome shaped bunny head. And it was incredibly soft. unbelievably soft. And I love my soft-furred bunny baby. I cherished it.

And I brought it to a family party in a restaurant / dance club. And everyone wanted to hold and pet My Baby. But everyone carried it here and there. But they were getting to close to the speakers and I knew that the loud noise was hurting My Baby's ears (given that they were large bunny ears). And so I coddled and protected her like a loving mother would.

And then, even though my baby was only 2 days old as I was putting her into her carseat and holding the handle she said her first word. "Hanger" in regards to the handle of her carseat. and she was only two days old. And I was beaming with pride. My wonderful, soft, loving, sweet, bunny My Baby said her first word at only two days old. And I couldn't wait to brag.

I know I don't want any children. But I think I miss the overflowing affectionate proud love that I felt for my Bunny Baby.

My Baby was something like this but bigger and softer and grey.

Progression

Dear self,

Bah humbug to school. and to future planning. and my family's expectations. and my own dissapointments. Schools return answers for acceptance or not in a couple of months. I dread it. What will I do with myself? What will I do for the rest of my life?

My family wants me to have a dependable, responsible, respectable career. But what does that mean? What does that imply?

How does one tell the difference between something they're really interested in and something they want to do for the rest of their lives? Sometimes I think at one point in my life I had the potential to be something wonderful. And everything beat it out of me. The things I have met with have quieted me. I have never known the language in which to express myself.

Or I could be copping out. I just have no talent. and no ability. I don't know how to commit to my decisions. and I don't know how to finish the things that I start.

I am a failure. And that is the real root of my unhappiness. Even worse, I have had the ability to succeed but out of laziness I chose to fail. And now it's too late. And that is the root of my unhappiness. And that it far more contemptible than being born a failure.

I was raised in a home of oppurtunists and office workers. And I convinced myself that I had so much more to offer. Only to realize in early adulthood, in my second prolonged ugly stage that my life is so much more meaningless than I had hoped.

I have nothing to offer anyone. let alone the world. I have fallen into the masses of the mediocre.


and I have an eternity of a lifetime to contemplate my mistakes.

I feel disconnected.

don't i always?