The Pros and Cons

Things I particularly enjoy:

1. When it's particularly foggy and cold and ugly. And then it clears up and is really nice when I get out of work
2. Flipping through magazines and leaving them open to a particular page or picture in the bathroom. So everyone else sees it.
3. Meticulously organizing 500+ pictures in a very particular order so when you flip through them, you go through a journey too.
4. Doggies. all of them. Wet, fat, lazy, hyper, fluffy, big, stray, black, white, wrinkly, slobbery, adventerous doggies. Particularly a little white chow named Tsunami aka My BFF.
5. Office bungles. Particularly when your sister pretends to pour water on your head... But the accidentally does it. And we all laugh in enjoyment.

Things I actually hate:

1. When people still things from my desk. like WHOLE boxes of cookies. It's actually pretty fucked up.
2. When some lady in a red car doesn't actually check her blind spot and runs you off the road screaming in fear.
3. School provided email addresses that don't actually work and actually very difficult. With a lot, a LOT, of spam.
4. When you get yelled at for work for things that have nothing to do with you. And you secretly wish you could punch your DadBoss in the face. But you actually can't.
5. When you're actually full blown hungry all day long. even after breakfast. and lunch. and 2 snacktimes.

Revolution

Well Yuck, Yuck, yuck.

I'm so sick of dark colors, mixed messages, and being a whiny baby.

From now on, only all of the following:

• Vacation
• Summer
• Beaches
• Learning how not to be motion sick
• fun times
• dinner parties
• cool bracelets, Pablo hats, and dressing cooler
• more arts and crafts (in honor of summer)

And just a sunshineyer happier blog. As in a blog the way I live my life.

And in that spirit:

Ode to Chile

Chile, you long skinny country, you.
you're so awesome.
I know this now,
I've seen you.

I bought a lot of things from Chile
A horse, giraffe, two birds, and a mirror.

I learned a lot of Spanish in Chile
like Huesitos, Chingasos, and Frutilla.

Every day but one or two
I took Siestas.
America is so gypped without them.

I felt like the only Asian American girl in the world
in the deep inner belly of Chile.

Oh, Chile,
Home of my life heroes
Isabel and Pablo.
If you could teach me your lyrical
busy ways
ruled by the Andes, Ocean, and Heavy political history.

Home of Military coups,
overpowering imperialism euphemistically called colonialism,
Communist sentiments,
and half a million stray dogs.

I've come to love you,
Chile.

You took away my sense
of smell and taste.
Even muffled my hearing.
literally.

I will wait for the day
to prove my love.

The Good that won't come out of me...

Happy: experiencing pleasure, satisfaction, or delight

Near Antonyms: abject, aggrieved, anguished, blue, brokenhearted, dejected, depressed, despondent, disconsolate, disheartened, downcast, downhearted, forlorn, melancholy; doleful, dolorous, lachrymose, mournful, plaintive, sorrowful, sorry, woeful; black, dark, desolate, dispirited, gloomy, glum, gray (also grey), grieved, heartbroken, heartsick, miserable, woebegone, wretched

Breathe

because nothing seems to do this justice:

It's far past midnight, one o'clock, two o'clock, or three. The house seems to rumble as it settles, warmed wood pushing against one another, the cold tiles shrinking away from one another.

She lays there flat on the bed int eh darkness. She begins to concentrate lower, because it's easier. Her feet, then her calves, her knees and her thighs, her hips. This is where the difficulty begins. She focuses on relaxing her fingers, the very tips of them and then upwards. her elbows and shoulders. She stops there because relaxation stops at that point.

She imagines his hands in places she doesn't want them. She imagines the doctor's office and cold that makes her shiver so hard she cramps. She imagines the silence. She imagines the loneliness. As she conjures up each individual image her chest presses in tighter and tighter.

"breathe. Breathe" she tells herself. She thinks of all the recent fights and all of the debt accumulating. She thinks of stamps and responsibilities. She imagines it at all at once. She holds it in herself and feels the pressure gathering inside of her. She holds it all at once and all together. She closes her eyes and lets it go.

With each breath she imagines them leaving. Breathe. his hands. breathe. the cold. breathe. the secrets. breathe. the anger. the anger. breathe. the anger. breathe. breathe. breathe.

As everything released rushes to be allowed back within her she feels the emptiness inside of her. The black that fills her.

"Something nice" she thinks to herself to fill the space. And in the depth of her fingers and toes and now her hollow chest she searches for something to console her. A thought or hope or image to warm her and keep the fears at bay. "something nice. something nice" It sounds trite but those are the words.

And as she searches and thinks and digs and explores. Her eyes finally fall.

She sleeps. empty and alone.

There was nothing nice to hold her.

Something Missing

To mirror a previous list-

The Only things that excite me anymore:
1. the thought of buying furniture
2.
3.
4.
5.

Things that cause undue stress:
1. Chile
2. Friends / Adam
3. Family
4. Work
5. School
6. My own depression

Things that cause me saddness:
1. The monotony
2. every day class
3. my own demands
4. the piles of paper
6. my family

Because

I've given up on the chances of anything or anyone ever making me happy.

The only people that I don't hold at a distance are the ones that hurt me the most. I'm forgetting what everyone has ever told me about family. or about love. And I'm forgetting that I ever wanted more from you.

One day I'll leave all of this behind. and everyone will regret that they didn't hold on when they had a chance.

I have discovered so many new lows.

And On...

I sent in my secret. and when I know that no one knew. still.

I felt more alone than ever.

Easter Sunday Almosts

I saw him from across the parking lot and I knew. And he knew. and he looked at me. And we were too afraid to do anything but that. I walked away to find Adam. And Darby.

She was a golden beautiful kind of gil. the kind that smiles. the kind that seem always young. And she looked at me like she was attracted to.

and we went into her yard. and everyone was there. He was there. we got lost while everyone played and laughed and the sun caught the water in rainbows and our eyes caught the sky at sunsets.

and we didn't speak. but it was him and I and I had finally found him.

The next day to play at hiding. wit the discovery of a stalker. All of the pictures, all of our belongings. and the shame we felt at being discovered.

and then morning

Just One

Dear Life,

I'm incredibly unhappy at this moment in time. I am restless and embittered.

I hate knowing my flaws and feeling like I don't have the power or energy to right them. I hate my lack of strength in staying angry and pretending it's ok only so I can think about it every morning and every day I get the oppurtunity. I hate my own doubt. I hate saving things like emails and letters and being ashamed of my own feeling. I hate seeing what others have said and because I've harbored these other feelings letting those old words sink in with the same amount of longing. I hate that I have A One I'll always wonder about. I hate that I hide and deny all feelings. anger, hate, happiness, love. I hate that I have to constantly schedule my life and I hate what my life has become. I hate my family situation. I hate my culture situation. I hate the people and things I encounter day to day. I hate what's going on in my life. I hate that I have nothing and no one to identify with. I hate that I am so much of a nothing. I hate overhearing conversations and other people's voice and my own depression. I hate what you did to me. I hate it every fucking day. I hate love. I hate hope. I hate determination. I hate pride. I hate humility. I hate my ability to hold onto a grudge no matter how much I don't want to. I hate that I put things away and don't think about them because dealing with them will tear me apart. I hate that I'm weak. i hate that we aren't strong. I hate everything. I hate everything. I hate that I'm so full of hatred. I hate how short life is. I hate how long every day is. I am so full of hate.

I want to go home. I want to go to bed. I want to sleep this all off. I want to sleep it all away. I don't want to be alone. But I'm too afraid to allow anyone to be there with me. I want a moment of silence. I want a moment of peace. I was just a second to gather myself and let it all go. I want to close my eyes. I want to feel the sounds muffled around me. I want to fade it all out. i want to fade it all out just for a moment. I'm so desperate. right now. today. no. right now. I want someone to hear me. I want someone to know. I want someone to see me. I want to know I'm not alone. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to fight. I don't want to cry. I just want to silently be there. I want someone to silently know. I want everything to fade away. only a second. only one. I want to let it all go and never allow the waves to bring it back. I want to feel the cold of the ocean. I want it to still me. Still my blood pulsing in my brain, in my ears constantly reminding me of everything that keeps me grounded. I no longer want to be grounded. I want to float away. I want to float away. I want to be weightless. i want to be above it all. I want to let it all go and let myself be carried away by forces stronger than my hatred. I never want to be brought back to shore. I'm so scared now of myself and what my life is coming to. I'm so scared of all I'll never fully be able to do because of the fear and hate inside of me. i want to be cleansed. I want to be free.

I want anything but this...

The Gardenia Carry All

I keep hoping I'll have something important to say. Important and acceptable enough to put in a blog. But I don't.

What feels like my entire life I haven't had anything to hide about myself. Maybe everything that was apart of me wasn't immediately obvious but I didn't have any deep dark secrets to be ashamed of.

I do now. And that's changed me. significantly.

I'm still the same person I was a year ago but in a sense, worse off. I'm more afraid of the things around me. I'm more indulgent to any vices I previously had and have grown new ones.

Sometimes, on days like today, it's hard to think if there's been anything positive. I'm supposed to say that i've grown and i'm a better person. But that isn't always true.

On other equally unimportant hands:

Things I've bought in the last weeks:
1. Vintage Underwood Typewriter
2. Pretty colorful sun dress
3. the most gorgeous bag in the world.

Things I've done of little significance:
1. finally cleaned my room
2. finally updated my computer, aim, and internet.
3. got accepted into only 1 school. waiting on the other
4. gone to the doctor what feels like half a million times

Things I want to do:
1. buy new furniture
2. wear more dresses
3. move out.
4. move on.
5. think of a birthday present for adam.
6. paint and decorate.
7. stop taking daytime naps
8. start doing my homework
9. buy cute shoes
10. buy my ticket to Chile.

I wish i had the artistic means and media to express the surrealistic beauty of my dreams.