I haven't told you this but I've come to realize you'll what I'll miss most.

http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/994/593/1600/saved.0.jpg

I thought i was pushed to my limit's end. I thought all of me was exhausted. I thought i had a load more heavy than I could bear.

And then i met morning anger.

Scattered Thoughts

you're stretching me and stretching me. Pulled thin.

I accidently touch myself and wish it were your hands instead.

What old things wasted. what old things wasted.

unsure and afraid.

breaking point.

You have no power on me now. no power on me now like you did before.

Your words and sad sentiments like rainy days long passed.

It's summer. Can we let ourselves be happy just for a bit?

I am now. now. now.

Do you Remember That?

"Let's Just Say it was a Memorable Impression"

A date?!?! what am i? absolutely crazy???

I thought i was supposed to be love hermitting. I thought things were supposed to stay casual. I mean, sure i've been entertaining ideas of casually seeing some people here and there. And sure, i complain all the time about being lonely and desperately horny... But a date?!

and don't tell me that one single date is nothing in terms of committment. that's a lot.

I've committed to interact with a boy for over an hour. me? pleasent for over an hour? What am i supposed to talk about with a person I don't know? no social lubricant.

dry interaction. with a stranger. in a very awkward situation.

And here i was contemplating my social inadequecies. and i've set myself up for a date. daaattteeeee.

What do I think is going to happen? oh god. what's going to happen?

I mean, we'll talk. maybe we'll snack. i'm hoping to god he doesn't expect to eat. you've all seen me eat. i'm messy. i can't be messy in front of a stranger in which i'm casually pleasently interacting with for over an hour.

And what if it goes well? what if i like him and he likes me? How does dating even go in our quasi adult world?! do i call him? wait for him to call me?

what if we like each other so much we go on a second date. and what if a third? do i have sex with him then? no... we have sex when we're ready.

I'm not even ready to trust someone enough to date and i'mthinking about being ready to fuck?

Adam's coming home in like six days. then what happens? I doubt times one million that we'll get back together but it'll be such an emotional mess. And i'm supposed to rope someone else into this? Isn't it bad enough that I've dragged other boys into it? god.

I'm so dumb. sssoooooo dumb.

ANd i'm so "jaded" and distrustful and angry that i barely believe we'll go out tomorrow. He'll call me and cancel. or he won't call and then we just won't go out. I have issues right now. As is obvious. I can't date someone now. I'm insane. people don't want to date insane people. and insane people shouldn't willingly date.

I need time. I need time to get over my issues, not be insane, and be ready. But who has that sort of time? I don't. I have the remnants of a night and the starts of a morning.

Date. God, who do i think i am?

There is no Truth. Not in this dead beat alley.

Fate has stopped along the way and this is our last chance. It never Comes back.

Take me one last time.

Passion

I'm pretty sure that I look much more like a doll than I did 5 years ago when I played one in the nutcracker. I think it's the curls.

Today someone guessed that I was 14. wow. talk about a demotion.

JohnFromTheBank called me today.... awkward. weekend plans... maybe. But he breaks my NoHMB rule... Although i tease Andrea all the time about making dating rules... It's ok, i usually break mine anyways.

I'm so in love with Clive Owen.

I hate School quite officially.

IceBreaker: If you were to tell the best story in the entire history of mankind in one word what would it be? why?

It's been officially decided...

Life with weather like this is one big ass bucket of crap.

Also:

time, life, people, boys, noise, days, waking, school, and work all suck as well.

(Sometimes i'm glad i don't have a gun. because PPMS time i'm likely to shoot first. think later.)

Note to self:

really now, just give it up.