Revealed

http://itexplodes.blogspot.com/2007/01/post-my-secret.html

Have we refused Loud enough?

I'm not always sure exactly what's gone on. I don't know the difference between real reasons and personal justifications. I don't really understand the power of self denial. What do we do with the secrets we're too ashamed to admit to even our closest friends? With secrets we barely want to admit to ourselves?

And when we're forced to how do we deal with the weight of the burden hanging from our necks?

What's the difference between things that should never have happened and things we're merely ashamed of? How do we know if we allow things to happen or if they're simply our fault?

The realization and discovery of old mistakes stands much closer to our backs than we see.

Who is to be held accountable for the irreprable damages of a year ago?

Who is responsible for the shame?

Velvety Fur

Dream:

Like watching a movie I went through the pains of birth. Quick screaming montage with sweaty hair, hand squeezing, and screaming. And then I brought a life into the world.

It was nameless. Simply, My Baby. And I knew I had never loved anything more.

My baby was a bunny. a very large bunny. And I held it in my arms just as anyone would do to their baby. It was grey and white. with big ears and a cute dome shaped bunny head. And it was incredibly soft. unbelievably soft. And I love my soft-furred bunny baby. I cherished it.

And I brought it to a family party in a restaurant / dance club. And everyone wanted to hold and pet My Baby. But everyone carried it here and there. But they were getting to close to the speakers and I knew that the loud noise was hurting My Baby's ears (given that they were large bunny ears). And so I coddled and protected her like a loving mother would.

And then, even though my baby was only 2 days old as I was putting her into her carseat and holding the handle she said her first word. "Hanger" in regards to the handle of her carseat. and she was only two days old. And I was beaming with pride. My wonderful, soft, loving, sweet, bunny My Baby said her first word at only two days old. And I couldn't wait to brag.

I know I don't want any children. But I think I miss the overflowing affectionate proud love that I felt for my Bunny Baby.

My Baby was something like this but bigger and softer and grey.

Progression

Dear self,

Bah humbug to school. and to future planning. and my family's expectations. and my own dissapointments. Schools return answers for acceptance or not in a couple of months. I dread it. What will I do with myself? What will I do for the rest of my life?

My family wants me to have a dependable, responsible, respectable career. But what does that mean? What does that imply?

How does one tell the difference between something they're really interested in and something they want to do for the rest of their lives? Sometimes I think at one point in my life I had the potential to be something wonderful. And everything beat it out of me. The things I have met with have quieted me. I have never known the language in which to express myself.

Or I could be copping out. I just have no talent. and no ability. I don't know how to commit to my decisions. and I don't know how to finish the things that I start.

I am a failure. And that is the real root of my unhappiness. Even worse, I have had the ability to succeed but out of laziness I chose to fail. And now it's too late. And that is the root of my unhappiness. And that it far more contemptible than being born a failure.

I was raised in a home of oppurtunists and office workers. And I convinced myself that I had so much more to offer. Only to realize in early adulthood, in my second prolonged ugly stage that my life is so much more meaningless than I had hoped.

I have nothing to offer anyone. let alone the world. I have fallen into the masses of the mediocre.


and I have an eternity of a lifetime to contemplate my mistakes.

I feel disconnected.

don't i always?

I thought I had something to say.




I was wrong.

Letter to the Kids

Dear Life,

Everytime I think about the ways i've fucked up in school this semester and how that affects the rest of my life I get an acute squeezing sensation in my chest. I also get sharp stomach pains. And this is occassionaly associated with a thick and heavy feeling inbetween by eyes. Sometimes the anxiety makes it so I can't keep still. While others make it impossible to stay awake.

But I have to remind myself that what's done is done. and cannot be changed. and shouldn't be regretted. we all fuck up a bunch. and there's no rush in life. I've always wanted to speed through my life and get everything done as quickly and efficiently as possible. to the point of over doing it, burning myself out, and causing myself unneccessary emotional damage.

My life, at this point, is endless. If i don't get into school this semester and i'm still sure it's what I want to do I can try again next semester. If my GPA is fucked up and i have to work a long time and my BA takes me 6 years. That's ok. because normal people take time. people are allowed to take time.

I am not an overachiever. I have no need to be the greatest because I have nothing to prove to anyone. Only something to prove to myself. And I need to learn to be satisfied with myself and with what I have to offer.

Maybe it's time I took a step back. because i've been so pressured by myself for so long I lost track of what I really wanted to do. It seems so cliche. But maybe I need to get a better view of the bigger picture to figure out what my next step is.

If i do not succeed now that does not mean I will not succeed in the future. Because one thing has failed me it doesn't mean everything will. Because life has been bad at these moments it does not imply that it will be bad for the rest of my life.

I will fail classes this quarter. I'll fail mostly all of them. And it hasn't been because of depression or a bad school or being in a new place. It has been me. And the affects of these things on me. Constantly, people think I am excusing myself with these things. But i'm not. I'm explaining.

And everyone will judge me. At first I hated this thought most. that everyone would think i quit and i failed and think me less of a person. But I'm prepared for that. I may not be a success in other people's eyes. But I can't always be a failure in my own.

If not today then maybe tomorrow. and if not then than the day after that. It is not the end of the world to take a step back and look at things and change my life. It is not the end of everything I've worked for to fail.

I am failing. And i have to make that ok. And it will be ok.

I've felt recently like the things I do now will affect the rest of my life. And it's such a large burden to have on my back day to day. And i can't completely escape this frame of thought. But I have to realize... The things I do today will affect the rest of my life. But it will not ruin it. And that's what I've been afraid of. And that's what has been killing me and stressing me out and hurting me.

If I mess up, it will not ruin the rest of my life. It will not. I won't allow it to. I have the rest of my life to succeed. And one failure won't change that.

Please, please, from the bottom of my heart I'm hoping to really truly convince myself. And to remember.

It's going to be ok.

List Me To the Moon

To do by 11 o'clock:

Clean
Dress
Pack
Print all articles
Wash dishes
start and finish 5 page paper
take out garbage

That's it!!

To do by Monday:

Read all articles.
do... 2 study sheets.
One take home final
Prepare for one essay exam
coordinate when I'm moving home
and stuff....

To do before end of life:

relax a little.

I am filled with the silence, the music, and the screams of the entire world. They press on the cage of my insides and i feel like i am crying even when my eyes are dry and i am silent.

I want so desperately to not feel so alone.

Desolation

I'm sad. I feel isolated. I feel so alone. This entire time being in LA i've felt physically and emotionally alone.

But right now I feel like all of the great relationships i've worked to build in my life aren't so great because of my shortcomings and my needs. I feel distanced.

I feel deserted.

I feel like this entire time i was forming these relationships around gaurds to myself that I know never work anyways. And these guards, i will admit, are sometimes (and other times not) in response to the guards I see others building from me. I feel like everyone has distanced themselves from me. and in return I furthered the distance.

What was I supposed to do? continually push?

ANd now the distance that I have created has become so great that there are no longer connections enough to bridge the gap.

I feel so desperate and hopeless. I feel like nothing could help me anymore. Like the cold has soaked into my soul.

And the only thing that has been able to revive any life feelings within me I could call genuine have been from the books I've read and I want to shirk life and my responsibilites and my connections and all of my people to dissappear and unbecome and to evaporate and to be absorbed

into these false worlds made of words.

I want someone to talk to, simply enough. to talk-talk to. to completely open up to. about the one hundred meaningless things and the two hundred meaningful things. I've realized that my life is lacking in communication with other girls. Because we are a different species within ourselves with different forms of communication and support. and i really wish i had that right now. i really really wish i had that.

at one point i saw my depression as drowing. very similar to literal drowning. As in being pulled under by waves and losing the feeling of control and the sort of hush beneath water. and the gasping and fighting and pulling for air. and some people get too tired of fighting and they give up. and the rest of us have to hope that we find refuge. or are saved.

but the feelings i'm feeling now? they're much less violent and strong as a struggle for life against the cruel elements of nature. This doesn't feel like death. It is desolation. I am in a desert and I have enough food and water to last me long enough. The sun isn't hot enough to blister my skin or anything as dramatic as that. I'm simply on flat desert land and caked dirt. no moving sand. and as far as my eyes can see in either direction there is only this. I could be lost. I could be going in circles because there's no way to mark or direct. only emptiness and desert. I feel hopeless that I'll ever find civilization again and my voice seems to have dried out other than the conversations i'm holding within my mind. It's long and monotonous. and most of all it is lonely.

I feel so done and tired with friendships and relationships. I feel so tired of the guess and check and the love and hate and the hit or miss. I am so tired of being alone and pretending I need no one. I need people in my lives. I need a social network. I need friends to talk to, and friends to party with, and friends to hang out with, and friends for all of it with. I need any sort of society. I need civilization again.

I will include no justification for my thoughts for they're only merely that: thoughts and feelings. And I wish I had something to share it with other than faceless readers. or none at all.

In Four Years

It's amazing how much I miss the space my things took up.

Amazing how I can feel so over.

I don't have anything to say anymore. I'm not angry. I just have nothing more to say to you.